


So Glad to Meet You, Angeles

by wannaliveindeansdimples



Series: Angeles [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Big Brother Dean, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Love, Car Accidents, Declarations Of Love, Drug Addiction, Drunk John, Emotional Dean, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Love, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff and Angst, Frottage, Hand Jobs, High School, Homophobic John, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, John Winchester's Bad Parenting, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Past Abuse, Pie, Protective Dean Winchester, Rape/Non-con Elements, Schmoop, Teen Romance, Verbal Abuse, Young Castiel/Young Dean Winchester, Young Dean, Young Dean Winchester, Young Love, Young Sam Winchester, Young Winchesters, bisexual!dean, characters listed in approximate order of most appearances, child!gabriel, child!sam - Freeform, family baggage, gratuitous use of maple syrup, gray sexual!cas, lewd interactions with an ice cream spoon, mild violence, not dean/cas or sam/gabriel, or mentions, past trauma, puppylove!sabriel, various sexual orientations, wow this story sounds a whole lot darker than it felt when i was writing it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-09
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-01-24 03:39:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 133,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1590341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannaliveindeansdimples/pseuds/wannaliveindeansdimples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester falls for one of the most popular boys in school, Castiel Angeles. Before he can pursue a relationship, unforeseen events threaten to drive them apart forever. He's also struggling with raising his little brother and dealing with his mostly-absent father's rampant alcoholism. When he learns a shocking secret about Sam and his best friend Gabe, it strengthens his resolve to take care of his little brother, no matter what. From his friends and family, Dean learns more than he ever expected about love, forgiveness and hope, but the road to happiness is not a smooth one for any of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **There are many potential triggers in this fic, in case you skipped the tags and the summary. I have done my best to tag everything I can think of, but I may add more as it gets going. Several of the bad, tagged things are in the past and are merely referenced in the story. (I will try to give warnings before each chapter where something bad happens, but I can't guarantee I will always remember.)**
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> **This first chapter starts the thing off with a bang, as there is a major character injury.**
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> This work and its sequel have taken 6+ months of my blood sweat and tears and a large chunk of my mind, soul and heart to complete, so I hope you find something of value in it. For the first time, I am feeling nervous pre-posting. Your feedback, in the form of kudos, comments, tumblr messages, etc is always more than welcome and encouraged.
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> The Sabriel contained herein is non-sexual because they are preteens, but their love is definitely a central part of the story. (For adult, sexual Sabriel, stayed tuned for the sequel, which will publish as soon as this one is fully posted). 
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> This is _NOT_ a WIP. The fic is complete (as is the sequel), and I will upload chapters ~~on MWF~~ approximately every other day until they are all posted. 
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> My beautiful beta [Mahbbys](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mahbbys/works) made this possible with her endless encouragement and complete lack of hesitation to tell me when something was not right. [EDIT 10/21/14: She also made me FANART! See collage below]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas asks Dean for a ride home. That drive goes well for Dean, but his next does not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger warning: Major Character Injury.**
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> This chapter is basically Led Zeppelin, kissing and pain.

 

Dean looked up from his locker just as Castiel Angeles walked around the corner. Somehow, Dean always seemed to know when the gorgeous brunet with the piercing blue eyes was nearby. He really couldn't decide if it was a gift or a curse. Just like always, Dean's heart dropped into his stomach at the sight of Cas and his too blue eyes. 

Dean knew he probably shouldn't think of him by a nickname. They had spoken only half a dozen times and technically weren't even friends. He just couldn't help thinking of the guy as Cas, though. ‘Castiel’ seemed stuffy and prim – it didn't suit the youngest Angeles brother at all. Stuffy and prim didn’t describe Cas. Oh, he was buttoned down, sure, but there was an undercurrent of passion beneath the surface that Dean could practically taste whenever Cas was near him. Or maybe he was projecting. 

To be honest, there wasn't much about Cas that didn't scream sexuality to Dean, even though the best part – or worst – was that Cas had no idea the effect he had on people. He didn't seem to care too much about physical appearance – his or anyone else's. He rarely dated, either, which made life easier for Dean. He didn't know if he could take seeing Cas with some stupid cheerleader, like that chick Haely who obviously had her eye on him. 

Dean had only been at Southpoint for a few months, but he’d had a thing for Cas almost right away. It was only getting stronger as the weeks wore on and he didn't know what he was going to do about it. 

At least half the girls in the hallway were currently staring at the boy with the sapphire eyes right along with Dean. Apparently it was only Dean's gaze he sensed, though, because Cas made eye contact. Then Cas smiled, which sent Dean's heart lurching. Somehow he managed a half smile of his own. When he realized Cas was making a beeline for him, Dean thought he might actually die right there. 

“Winchester!” he called as he came closer, that deep, sexy voice doing things to Dean. “Hello, Dean. I was hoping to catch you.” Dean couldn't help that his smile grew wider at that, any more than he could help flicking his eyes down to Castiel's thick perfect mouth. “Do you think I could get a ride home with you? I still haven't gotten a chance to see your car up close.” 

Dean's sense of humor was instinctive, which kept him from acting like the love struck idiot he felt like. “You just don't wanna wait for your brothers to be done with football practice and you think sweet talking my Baby will get you a ride.” 

Cas gave a nose- and eye-crinkling smile at that. “That is also true, Dean, but I really do want to ride in your car. You have yet to play me that song you told me about.” 

Dean couldn't believe Cas even remembered. That conversation – their first and only real one – had been a couple of weeks ago. They hadn't had another conversation since then, so Dean had assumed it was a one off that meant much more to him than to Cas. “Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. What song was it again?” He hadn't forgotten at all and he knew exactly what song, but he didn’t want Cas to know that. 

“Something by Zeppelin, I think? Things that shouldn't be?” Cas’ face scrunched up in a way that was adorable. “I don't know. I’m afraid I don’t know that much about music.” 

“Well, listen, I was actually about to cut out of here, so we'd have to leave now. You cool with ditching?” Dean knew he was taking a risk. He hadn't planned on leaving early at all, but he had a shift at Bobby's after school. If he waited through the next two periods, he'd have to drive Cas straight home, with barely time for the one song. If they left now, he could take Cas for a drive, get to listen to that voice for a little while, and maybe get to play him a whole Zeppelin album. On the other hand, Castiel Angeles wasn't a guy who missed a lot of class like Dean Winchester, so he might just decide to find another method of transport. 

Cas didn't even hesitate. “Let me grab my bag and I'll be ready to join you.” 

“Cool. Just meet me out front.” 

Dean wanted to jump up and down, pump his fist and do all the stupid macho things other guys did when their crushes said yes to spending time together. Since he wasn't exactly out about his bisexuality, and since he didn’t even know if Cas liked guys, he restrained himself from doing any of that. Instead, he packed his book bag and headed for Baby. 

Cas was already waiting by the time Dean pulled up in front of the steps. Dean knew he had no right to be as excited as he was, but he couldn't help it. He really, really liked the guy. He'd mildly crushed on Cas for his looks alone right after seeing him for the first time. Once Dean had talked to him, though, gotten a chance to see how smart and funny he was...he was lost. Their previous conversation, in which Dean had talked about “What Is and What Should Never Be”, was one of the best times he’d had since moving to Southpoint. Maybe longer. 

Thinking about that reminded him that he was supposed to be playing a song. Dean went ahead and popped in Led Zeppelin II, but he kept the stereo off for a minute so he could talk to Cas. 

“You want to go straight home or you wanna ride for a while? I could take you down 69, show you what my Baby can really do.” It was the road’s real name, but Dean had chosen his words and his route deliberately. 

“Oh, I definitely want to ride.” Was Dean imagining the smirk that seemed to play around Cas’ mouth? 

“Cool, man,” Dean replied, trying for nonchalance, when inside he was cheering. “Well, hey, uh, if it's cool with you, I'm just gonna play the whole album?” Cas told him that was fine. 

He'd just wanted to share his music with Cas, but when “What Is...” led into “The Lemon Song” and then “Thank You” he regretted his decision a little bit. It was hard to keep his mind off the crush he had on his passenger when Zeppelin was singing about nothing but sex and romance. 

Finally, he turned down the music in the middle of “Heartbreaker”. “So, uh, what do you think, man?” 

“About the music or the car?” 

“Either. Both,” he said. _Me,_ he thought to himself. 

“Well, I will have to hear the songs again to really form an opinion – although the one with the lemon lyric is pretty clever. But I love the car. It's...badass.” Dean could tell that was most likely the first time Cas had ever said that phrase in his life. He liked that Cas had made the effort just to compliment Dean’s car. 

He laughed a little. “Yeah, yeah she is.” 

“You restored the car yourself? That's impressive. The interior is very nice and obviously the engine is very powerful.” 

Dean was starting to get the distinct impression that Cas was trying to flatter him. If he didn't know better, Dean would swear Cas was acting like some of the girls he'd taken out. They were the ones who didn't give a single shit about cars, but pretended to care because they knew Dean did. 

Dean thought that it had to be just wishful thinking on his part. Even if Cas was into guys – and Dean really didn’t know – well, Dean wasn’t unpopular, but when it came to popularity he was hardly in league with the Angeles brothers. Leagues above when it came to looks, maybe, but socially he was not on their level. 

He was a mechanic, for fuck's sake. He was reading into things. He must be. It was better if he didn’t jump to conclusions, especially since he didn’t even know if Cas was less than 100% hetero. 

“Yeah, well, I work on cars for a living, so I know what I'm doing.” 

“I wish I could do that. I'm terrible with mechanical things, especially cars. I tend to break them.” He laughed and Dean loved the way his whole face changed with it. “Guess that makes us a good pair, huh? I break cars and you fix them.” He smiled at Dean shyly, looking up at him sideways through half closed eyelids and quickly back down again. Dean could swear it was flirtatious, but he was so scared to hope. 

They rode in silence for a few minutes and then Cas said, “No one will be at my house for a few hours. Would you want to head back there and hang out for a while?” 

Dean's heart was thudding and his mouth was dry as he said that he would. He had to remind himself that Cas was not a girl he'd asked out on a date. He had no reason to believe that Cas felt anything for him other than friendship. It was dangerous to get his hopes up. He knew he was supposed to have gaydar or something, but he had always thought his was broken. He didn't know whether other guys were into him unless they were sticking their tongue down his throat - which had happened exactly no times. 

Then the thought of Cas kissing him like that made Dean's dick jump in his jeans, which was the last thing he needed. Dean did his best to concentrate on the road and following Cas’ directions after that, instead of just how sexy Cas looked today. When they got to Cas' house, Dean resolutely did not watch Cas’ ass as Cas grabbed sodas from the fridge, and instead ogled the spacious kitchen that was almost as big as the whole Winchester house. He knew after seeing the house that Cas' parents wouldn't have approved of him, even if either he or Cas had been a girl. He'd sort of known where Cas lived, but he'd never actually seen the place. 

"Let's go out to my room," Cas said, ending Dean's depressing reflections. 

Dean followed behind Cas, far enough back that he could finally steal glances at the brunet's perfect ass. Dean's own legs were bowed, but Cas's were lithe and perfect and straight. Like all of Cas probably was, Dean reminded himself. Dean frowned when he saw that Cas unlocked his door with a key, but he said nothing. 

Cas suggested they sit on the loveseat by the window. Dean angled himself so that he could look at Cas while they talked. He noticed there was a book perched on the arm of the couch, something about reading body language, but it was lost from view when Cas sat down in front of it.

"Body language, huh?" 

"What?” He turned around and saw where Dean was looking. “Oh. Yes. I'm interested in all sorts of languages and in particular the ways we communicate without speaking. Humans are fascinating creatures." 

Dean wanted Cas to keep talking because his eyes had lit up about the subject. So he asked, "Have you read the whole thing? Like, can you read my body language right now?" 

"I'm hardly an expert, but I can try." He examined Dean very closely, so closely that Dean hoped he wasn't blushing under the intimate scrutiny. "Well, for starters you're fidgeting, which means you're nervous." Dean immediately stopped the movement of his hands. Cas just laughed. “Do you want me to stop?” 

Dean shook his head no, but he held his hands still, anyway. Cas didn't mention it when Dean's knee started bouncing lightly. 

“Ok, let's see, um...well, you've got your knees pointed toward me, so that means...you, um, you like me? I, uh...” Cas faltered then and didn't continue, letting his statement hang in the air. 

Dean's first instinct was to move his legs away, and he would have done just that, except he noticed two things at once that stopped him. The first was another book, this one a well-worn paperback, lying near Cas' feet. It was called “[ ]-Sexual: A guide to finding your personal prefix”. The second thing Dean noticed was that Cas' own knees were pointed, if anything, even more directly toward Dean. When he saw them he looked up, into blue eyes swimming with conflicted emotions, like fear and hope - and excitement that came from both. 

His heartbeat was so loud in his ears he thought the whole world might be able to hear it. His breath was shallow and he couldn't quite swallow down the lump in his throat. But Dean knew they were at an important crossroads. Either they resolved the issue – and Dean potentially got something he desperately wanted - or they ignored it - and probably lost any chance at even being friends. He summoned all his courage and turned to face Cas a little more directly. 

“I do like you,” he said, his voice breaking and barely audible. He cleared his throat and forced himself to keep going. “Looks like maybe you like me, too?” He looked pointedly down at Cas' knees and back up, a questioning look on his face. Cas looked like he wanted to answer, but couldn't find his voice, so Dean decided to take a huge jump. “My prefix,” he said, shooting a glance down at the book, “Is, uh, 'bi'. What-” He stopped and licked his lips. “What's yours?” 

Cas, looking confused, belatedly glanced down at the floor and saw the book lying there. Understanding dawned on his face and he gave Dean a shy, hopeful smile. “It's 'pan', I think. Do you, um, know what that means?” he asked, dropping his head shyly and looking back up at Dean through his lashes. 

Dean nodded. Without his being aware of it, really, his right arm was moving toward Cas, fingers reaching out. Cas noticed the movement and looked down. He stretched out his own fingers and their fingers touched. In the next breath, they were holding hands, Cas' thumb stroking Dean's knuckles, Dean's fingertips caressing Cas' palm. Dean never knew how much electricity there could be in holding hands, but he felt like there were no other sensations just then. All he could feel was that one part of his body where they were touching. His whole being, all of his awareness, was centered on that single point of contact. 

After a moment, Cas raised his eyes to Dean's again. Cas had always seemed to him to be so confident, but now all that had faded and left insecurity and shyness in its wake. Dean himself had never been confident when it came to dating, even when it was girls, though he could fake cocky when he needed to. He found he was even less so with guys, especially one as attractive as Cas. On the other hand, Dean felt like Cas' insecurity left it up to him to take the lead for once. 

He dropped his gaze to Cas' full mouth. He licked his lips again and lifted his eyes back to those incredible blue ones. He leaned forward slightly, hoping Cas would do the same. Cas didn’t disappoint, though he didn't move as much as Dean would have liked, either. Screwing up his last ounce of courage, he reached out with his left hand and cupped Castiel's jaw. He swept his thumb across his cheekbone, searching those blue eyes for any sign of rejection. 

Instead of resisting, Cas melted into the touch. He rubbed his face against Dean's palm and bit his lower lip. Dean used his hand to pull Cas to him, finally closing the gap between them. Neither one closed their eyes, though, until the second their lips made contact. Each made a sound in his throat when their mouths pressed together. Dean had felt a current run through him at the touch and could only guess that Cas had felt something similar. As the kiss deepened, Cas took Dean's face in both his hands, stroking and petting his hair and face as though he couldn't convey enough with just his mouth. 

When they finally came up for air several minutes later, Cas gruffly told him, “You don't know how long I've wanted to do that.” Then he pulled away slightly and dropped his eyes, as if afraid he'd revealed too much of himself. 

“Probably not as long as I have,” Dean countered with an easy half smile. Now that it was clear Cas liked him, all his fear was gone. He could tell Cas was afraid he was going to run, but Dean had no interest in going anywhere. 

His honesty apparently made Cas bolder, too. “Oh, really?” he asked with a challenging smirk on his face. “You've wanted to kiss me since _before_ your first day at Southpoint?” 

“Oh, come on, Cas. You didn't even know I was – what?” he asked when Cas cocked his head to the side and looked at him oddly. 

“Did you just call me Cas?” 

“Oh.” Dean's face flushed. “Yeah, sorry, I-” 

“No, I like it. My...someone used to call me that a long time ago. It's nice.” Cas face split into a wide, sweet smile and Dean's stomach did a little somersault. “But, yes, I noticed you on your first day. You were walking down the front steps as I was walking up. You were distracted, but you smiled and said hi when we passed each other.” Cas ducked his head and murmured, “I'm sure you don't remember.” 

Dean thought back to his first day and how he'd stayed after to talk to his advisor. Then Sammy had called to say Dad hadn't shown up to pick him up for his doctor’s appointment, so he'd rushed out. He had a vague memory of smiling at a cute face, but he obviously hadn't seen Cas' eyes then. If he had, it wouldn't have taken him until the next week to notice and start crushing on him.

“I do, actually. Sort of,” he confessed with a sheepish grin. Cas looked up then and Dean couldn't stop himself from saying, “God, Cas, your eyes are just...I feel like you can see straight into my head. They're, uh...” It was his turn to falter and be shy now. “They're amazing.”

Cas' whole face lit up at the compliment as though no one had ever told him that before. “Really? I like yours better.” His smile was shy and Dean marveled again at how different he seemed from the confident, popular kid who’d been in his car just a little while earlier.

“Cas, I gotta say, I’m having trouble getting used to you being shy. I mean, I know we haven’t talked all _that_ much, but you’ve always seemed so sure of yourself.” Cas became visibly uncomfortable, so Dean hastily told him, “Hey, man, it’s fine. We don’t need to talk about it. I kind of like knowing I fluster you like this, though.” His lopsided grin flashed for a moment before his face grew serious. “I’d rather kiss you again, anyway.”

Cas immediately pulled Dean’s head toward him. There was nothing shy about the way his tongue claimed the inside of Dean’s mouth as _his_. Dean loved the warm velvety lips sliding against his own. He sucked first on the bottom one then on the top, which was actually slightly fuller. Cas’ hands had resumed their petting, only now they were reaching beyond Dean’s face and hair. They caressed his neck and shoulders and slid down his chest. They finally came to rest around Dean’s waist, pinkies just grazing the top of Dean’s ass above his low slung jeans.

As a teenaged boy, Dean was used to sexual frustration. Still, ignoring his throbbing erection was a definite challenge this time. After a few more intense minutes of kissing and petting, Dean pulled away with a shuddering breath. He leaned his forehead against Cas’, staring at his swollen pink mouth. They were both panting. Dean’s hands were rubbing up and down Cas’ sides, but he brought one up to cup the brunet’s face.

"I could kiss you for hours," he told Cas huskily, massaging his cheek. "But unfortunately, I have to go to work soon."

Instead of responding, Cas pulled him in for another kiss. This time it was slow and almost tender. It was a kiss that said that Cas was looking for more than sex, so Dean responded in kind. He wanted more than a physical connection, too. He ended the kiss earlier than he wanted, but he was aware of time getting away from them.

Dean smiled and confessed, “I’m glad you finally talked to me again. I was getting worried.” Then he sobered. “I really felt a connection with you that day on the bleachers, you know.”

Cas laughed. “I felt a connection with you, too. I’ve been trying to come up with an excuse to talk to you again ever since, but I didn’t know if, well, you know.” He sighed heavily. “I wasn’t sure if I was chasing a lost cause. Even after I came up with an excuse, it took me a week just to work up the nerve to ask for a ride.” He swatted Dean lightly on the arm. “You could’ve talked to me first, you know.”

Dean looked at him incredulously. “Dude, seriously? You’re, like, one of the most popular guys in school. Every girl there wants to date you. I had about a 300% higher chance of rejection.” Cas laughed, but he didn’t deny it. Dean glanced at his watch. “Man, I really hate to do this, but I gotta go,” Dean sighed as he pulled away and stood up. “When can I see you again? Are you free this weekend?”

“Not tomorrow, but I’ll be free Saturday night. Can you pick me up about 7?”

“It’s a date,” Dean agreed, grinning. When Cas didn’t return his smile, he sobered. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, it’s just...my family, they don’t…” He waved his hands, unable to find the words.

“They don’t know that you like guys. Yeah, man, it’s cool. Mine doesn’t know about me, either. I’m not planning to advertise that we're more than friends, ok?”

The relief on Cas’ face hurt a little, even though Dean completely understood it. Then Cas said, “I wish we could. Advertise it, that is.” And that took the sting out a little bit. “I really like you, Dean.”

“Yeah, Cas. I really like you, too.”

One last quick kiss and Dean was heading out the door.

* * *

 

Dean was still riding high on the previous afternoon when he got to his second period class. He had never really cared for his Physics class, but he wasn't prepared to overhear homophobic macho posturing when he sat down. Apparently, there was a rumor about some guy offering another guy a blowjob – Dean automatically assumed it was a rumor, and not fact, because he hadn't seen it happen and that's how high school worked – and some guys were talking about how they'd take care of any little queer who tried the same with them. Dean didn't listen too closely, but the gist of it was that they'd deal with it using over the top violence, in lieu of a simple “No, thanks, I'm not gay.”

He could feel his face start to burn. He wasn't ashamed and he wasn't afraid. He was just mad. He couldn't risk starting shit with those guys. If Dean got in trouble, no way would Dad let them stick around here like he had promised and Sam would be devastated. So he couldn't call them out on their shitheadedness, no matter how much he might want to. He decided Southpoint High was about the last place he wanted or needed to be right now.When he got up to leave, he saw that it was Cas' brothers Zach and Raphe and some other guy Dean didn't know. He felt a little bit sicker, but he kept his face impassive as he walked past them and out the classroom door.

He stopped long enough to shove his physics book in his locker and slide a note into Jo's, asking her to get his assignments for the rest of his classes. Then he was practically running to his car. He wanted to put a fist in the middle of someone's face. Did that desire for violence make him as bad as them? He didn't think so, but he didn't really care at the moment, either way. He wanted to show them they couldn't treat people like subjects.

Instead, he slid behind the wheel of his Impala and made his way toward the nearest exit as fast as he could. He was going too fast around the corner, but the lot appeared deserted, so he wasn't concerned. He was exchanging speed for the violence he couldn't have. Then he whipped around the next corner and everything went slow motion.

He saw Cas, standing in the driveway, too close. He saw his blue eyes go wide as Cas realized he had nowhere to go. Dean felt himself press his foot toward a brake pedal that seemed a million miles away. He turned the wheel, seemingly through molasses. Then the passenger fender hit the boy who had spent yesterday kissing him senseless and time sped up again. Cas seemed to bounce off a nearby Ford before coming to rest on the ground. The Impala finally stopped and Dean threw her in park and flew out of the car toward the broken figure on the asphalt.

“Cas?!” The blue eyes were closed. His lip was split and his right arm was turning colors already. His left leg was at a bad angle and there was a knot rising on his forehead. If Dean had thought he felt sick before, it was nothing compared to how he felt now. He ripped his phone out, cursing himself for obeying the school policy of turning it off on grounds, and when it finally booted up, he dialed 911.

"I need an ambulance!" he told the answering dispatcher. He barely recognized the high pitched keening voice as his own. "My friend got hit by a car! He's...” His voice broke in the middle and he had to swallow hard to go on. “He's breathing, but he's not…” He was almost sobbing as he said, “He's not waking up..." his voice going even higher on the last syllable. His gaze swept the broken figure in front of him, eyes welling, gut clenching with fear.

"What's your location, sir?"

"I'm at Southpoint high school. Back parking lot. Please hurry!"

He hung up and then got to his feet. He stood there for a moment, holding his head in both hands, turning back and forth. He took in the isolation of the parking lot. From this side of the property, the school sat at the top of a tall hill. The lot they were on couldn't be seen from the street or any of the buildings on it. Only a couple of school windows faced this way and the view was obstructed by a row of cars and some pretty thick trees.

The campus was deserted. No one had come running out and he thought chances were good that no one had seen what happened. The blacktop had been repaved recently - before Dean had enrolled he supposed - but it was too dark for any tire tracks that might be there to show up. He wanted to do the right thing, he really did. And he would wait until the ambulance and police came, but...he thought about how rich and powerful Cas' family was. He thought about what would happen to Sam if he went to jail for anything.

He came to a decision and got back into his car, parking it in a space well past where Cas lay, much closer to the exit. He knew it wasn't right, but he also knew it was the better of two evils, if not actually the lesser. He just didn't see another way. What if Cas...what if he _died_? The Angeles clan would be out for blood. They would see to it that he was charged for manslaughter at the very least. Sam's life, not just Dean's, would be ruined.

After parking his car, he went back to where Cas was lying on the pavement, the brunet’s breathing shallow. Cas’ face had started to bruise around both eyes. His arm was swollen now. Dean, not knowing what else to do, held Cas’ good hand and murmured words of encouragement. All the while, he tried to piece together a simple yet plausible story for what happened.

When the EMTs arrived, they gently led Dean off to the side to wait as they checked Castiel's vitals and strapped him onto a board. They rebuffed Dean's worried questions as kindly as they could while continuing their work.

When the police arrived, they spoke with the paramedics only briefly before the ambulance was pulling away, siren screeching. He answered the officers questions while watching the ambulance drive off.

"I was walking over to my car, when all of a sudden this red car flew around the corner and just nailed him." His voice broke and he had to take a moment. "They took off and just left him lying here."

He answered a few more questions. They asked what kind of car he had seen - he chose a popular model he saw all the time - and whether he had seen the driver - he said he hadn’t. Then they wanted to know why he had been leaving school - he claimed he had felt nauseated. Finally they wanted to know whether he knew the victim and he answered, cringely inwardly at hearing Cas referred to like that. Then they were done and he was cleared to leave.

He hopped in the Impala and headed toward the hospital, praying that there was no visible dent on his fender - or at least that the cops wouldn't notice if there was. When he got to Southpoint General he had to ride around and up three levels before he found a parking spot. He made his way to the elevator and down to the emergency room lobby, heart pounding in his ears.

"Hi, my friend was brought in a few minutes ago. Hit and run? His name is Castiel Angeles."

The duty nurse was talking about privacy and giving him the run around when he spotted Ellen in her scrubs. He called her name and his face must have told her he needed a favor. She sent the other nurse to check something and waved him over. He told her what had happened and she looked around, checking for prying eyes. She pointed to a nearby chair.

"Go sit there. As soon as I know something I'll tell you. If you're planning on sticking around I'll try and take you to him when he's put in a room." She held up a finger before he could thank her. "No promises, Dean. I'll _try_."

She was gone 20 minutes and his nerves were on edge by the time she got back. She said Cas was in surgery, but so far he was stable, though he hadn't regained consciousness. She left again, promising to come tell him when she knew more.

The next two hours were a blur. He sat there in the waiting room in a kind of trance, not really thinking of anything. He saw people come and go, noticed odd details he immediately forgot. Nothing about it felt real. He barely noticed that his backside had begun to ache. At some point thirst pierced through his haze and he got up to go to the water fountain and back, but it was like sleepwalking.

Finally Ellen was back and he didn't really understand what she was saying at first. Then she was leading him down the hall and the movement helped him focus on what she was saying.

“-haven't been able to reach anyone in his family yet, but it probably won't be long, since the police have probably gone to talk to them by now. You've got a few minutes, though. He's not conscious, but you can talk to him. They won't be able to tell about brain damage until he wakes up.” Dean's heart lurched at the words “brain damage”, but he didn't say anything. “He's got a lot of broken bones and some bruises, but physically, he's probably gonna be fine. He'll need physical therapy for his leg, but they'll probably be able to take the pins out later.”

“That's what the surgery was for? His leg?”

“Boy, did you hear a word I said? Yes, I told you, they had to go in and put his leg back together with pins.”

“Sorry, I'm a little out of it. Seeing your friend get hit by a car will do that, I guess.”

Her expression softened and she ran a hand back through his hair. He made a face, but secretly he craved the attention. When he moved his head into the touch, she smiled and did it again. Ellen was the closest thing he had to a mother, but physical affection wasn't something either of them was easy with. This much contact was actually a rare treat.

“I'm sorry your friend got hurt, Dean. You go on and see him now. You coming by later to get your homework from Jo?”

He nodded and turned toward the grim-looking room they'd stopped in front of. The lighting here was not bright like the emergency room. Instead, the lighting in this area was dim and yellow. It was probably meant to be serene, but it came off as sad and somber instead. He took a deep breath and walked toward the door. When he opened it, all he could see at first was the shape of feet under covers, the left one oversized in its heavy cast. He was happy to see that the room had a large window, so there was better light, even though the curtains were mostly drawn. When he moved forward enough to see Cas' face, he felt sick again.

He knew Cas was 17, but right now, he looked like a 12 year old – if that 12 year old had been beaten up and left at death's door. He was pale and bruised and his face was slack. An oxygen tube crossed his swollen face and swooped over his ears and down his neck, across the mottled black and blue and purple that ran down onto his chest. Machines beeped on either side of him.

Cas wasn't on a breathing machine, which Dean thought was a good sign, but he really didn’t know. He had no idea why the guy would need oxygen for that matter. The only time he'd been in a hospital was when Sammy was sick...but he didn't want to think about that right now.

He stepped around the bed and took Cas' left hand in his. He had to be careful because there was an IV tube taped to the back of it. He stroked the fingers gently. He couldn't believe that yesterday these fingers had been caressing his face, clutching at his hips. Dean stared at the hand a long time, unable yet to bear looking at Castiel's face when he couldn't see those intense blue eyes. When he finally dragged his eyes up, he immediately wanted to look away again.

“I'm so sorry, Cas,” he whispered, the sound barely more than a breath above the sound of the machines.

He had done this. Dean was responsible for the state Cas was in right now. It was hard enough right now, knowing that he was physically going to recover. What if he didn't wake up? What if he'd lost his motor skills or something? How could Dean live with himself if there was brain damage? The tears hit so fast and hot his face actually hurt. The muscles around his eyes burned with the effort of creating the hot tears that scorched his face as they fell. His throat ached from the lump in it. His lips pulled back in a grimace as a sob escaped him.

He let the tears come for a minute, needing to let himself feel the pain, as punishment. But he didn't let himself lose control completely. Knowing he couldn't be found crying over Cas like this, particularly if Cas' brothers showed up, he forced his emotions under control as quickly as he could.

He couldn't bear to see how fragile Cas looked. The handsome brunet, who had stolen Dean's breath with kisses only 24 hours before, now had two black eyes and a knot the size of an egg on his forehead. The rest of his face was puffy and so very pale under and around all the bruising. Dean hated seeing him like this. He never meant for this to happen.

Dean needed Cas to be all right. Not because it would make him feel less guilty, though it would. Not only because no one had ever kissed him the way Cas had, either. But because Cas was a good guy who didn't deserve this. Because the world needed blue eyes like those in it. Because he couldn't bear to think about never hearing his voice again. He could still hear it in his head, telling him – no, he couldn't bear to think about it.

Checking to make sure he had shut the door behind him, he gave in to a sudden impulse and quickly leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss on Cas' forehead and then another on his too-dry lips. He stroked Cas' arm again and rubbed Cas' jaw with his thumb. Then he forced himself to step away.

He knew he needed to move out to the waiting room before the Angeles brothers showed up. He dreaded having to tell them he'd been the one to “witness” the accident, but he knew it had to be done., if for no other reason than it gave him a reason to come back to the hospital to visit. If he had seen what happened, it made sense for him to be more invested. He also figured it would look less suspicious if he stepped forward as the person who'd called 911 and gotten Cas brought here.

He left the room quietly, casting one long look over his shoulder as Cas disappeared from view. He headed down to the vending machines to grab a soda, then made his way to the waiting room. Once there he sent quick texts to Sam and his dad, letting them know his friend had been hurt and he'd be late home. He wasn't due at Bobby's until the next morning, which was a blessing. He settled into a chair to wait for Cas’ family to show up, and unhappiness settled in him to wait until Cas was better.

* * *

Castiel's heart was beating triple time in his chest as he neared the corner. He knew when he rounded it that Dean would be there, at his locker. Dean Winchester, the gorgeous new guy who had been keeping Castiel up nights. He was so much cooler than Castiel was. He had a leather jacket, a badass car, smoldering green eyes and more charm than anyone else Castiel had ever met before. Castiel Angeles was popular only because his brothers were popular. Only because his family had money so he could wear designer clothes. He hadn't earned it. Dean probably didn't have money, but he had everything else.

There he was. And he was looking right at Castiel. The youngest Angeles boy tried his best to affect an air of nonchalance. If he was going to go through with this plan, he needed to keep it together. No way would Dean give him a ride if he fawned over him and acted all moon-eyed. He walked over to where Dean was standing, surprised that his heart wasn't visibly beating against his chest like some cartoon.

"Winchester," Castiel said and then he was asking and Dean was joking, but agreeing. He brought up the song Dean had talked about and then did his best to act like he didn't remember, since Dean didn't seem to. Then Castiel noticed that Dean claimed he was leaving, but the books he put into his locker were the same ones he was taking out when Castiel walked up. They were the books for his next class. Was he leaving early to try to get out of giving Castiel a ride? Or because he really wanted to go?

"Meet me out front," Dean said and Castiel walked back to his own locker in a daze. By the time he got down to the steps, his legs felt numb. He couldn't believe he was still standing upright. Was this the stupidest idea ever? Then he was in the car and they were driving.

It wasn’t his usual kind of music, but he was enjoying Led Zeppelin, anyway. Not that he was paying as much attention as he maybe should have been. He kept stealing glances at Dean's profile, wishing he didn't have to sneak. He wondered if Dean could feel his eyes, but he couldn't stop himself from looking. Once Dean looked over while he was looking and Castiel thought he'd die, but Dean just smiled and asked him what he thought of the music and the car.

Then there was silence and Castiel realized it was do or die, now or never time. This was the whole purpose of getting a ride, after all. To try to get Dean to his room so he could try to read his body language and see if he was remotely interested. Castiel shoved the words out, as casually-sounding as he could, but the adrenaline that surged through him threatened to make him sick. Why couldn't he just have gaydar like other people? Instead, he lived in fear of another Sam Andriel disaster.

Once they were in his room, all his ability to keep his cool disappeared. This was his space and now Dean was there in it, filling it up. Dean was in his room, where no one came but Castiel. Dean was standing in the room where Castiel kept all his treasured books and his collection of pretty rocks and his underwear - and Castiel found it hard to breathe. He was literally so nervous he was shaking and he hoped like hell Dean couldn't see it. He’d forgotten and left the body language book sitting out. He was glad he had, since Dean saw it and gave him the perfect opening, but it wasn’t very smooth.

Castiel tried to be bold. He saw the tell-tale signs that were supposed to mean that Dean was, in fact, into him, but once the words were out of his mouth, all the fear came rushing back. What was he doing? This was dangerous. What if he was misreading all the signals and Dean didn’t like guys at all? He could get himself punched in the face - or worse. This was gonna be worse than Sam. It was gonna be so much -

“...prefix is, uh, ‘bi’,” Dean was saying. Belatedly, Castiel realized Dean wasn’t freaking out at him. He had nodded toward the floor and the book. Oh. Castiel really had not intended to leave _that_ book out where anyone could see. He really, really hadn’t. But everything was suddenly ok. Mostly _because_ he had left that book out.

Fate or happy accident, he didn't know or care. Because they spent the rest of the visit kissing and that was everything right now. They made a date and Castiel could hardly believe it. Something good was happening. Something he had wanted, dreamed about, for months was actually happening. He was riding a high so intense that none of his brothers could knock him down that night. He was still floating the next day when he got to school.

He had study hall second period and he decided to skip it and take a walk around the grounds. He wished he could go for a run, but he didn’t want to spend the rest of the day soaked in sweat. So a walk would have to do. He thought maybe on the way back, he might find the Impala in the area Dean always parked it.

Thinking about it, he couldn’t wait to just run his hand down the smooth finish so that he could feel closer to Dean for a minute. First, though, he wanted to walk down to the back parking lot, down to the apple tree that was close to the road. He had always wanted to sit underneath it and he felt like today was as good a day as any to try something new. He’d been hiding out from life long enough.

He loaded Led Zeppelin on his iPod and popped in his ear buds. After listening to it several times the night before, he had decided he really liked this music and not just because it was Dean’s - though that certainly helped. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this good. Then he reached the pavement and saw Dean and remembered that good things never really worked out for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, that was a rough one. My beta refused to speak to me or read anymore for days after this one. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Follow my [author Tumblr](http://jamiedeanwrites.tumblr.com//post/118453611081/the-story-of-jax-and-dylan) for boys kissing, pansexual facts, book news and general shenanigans.
> 
> ♥


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes Sam to visit Cas in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting a day early because, uh, it's mother's day? Or something. :)
> 
> There is not nearly as much pain in this chapter, though there is some.
> 
> If you're waiting for Sabriel, that starts in the next chapter.
> 
> Enjoy!

It was late on Wednesday afternoon. Just as he had the previous two afternoons, Dean had skipped his last two classes. He wanted to get to the hospital early enough so that running into Cas’ family wouldn’t be an issue. He had visited every day since the accident. On Saturday, he’d left his shift at Bobby’s and come straight over without even stopping for food - and then he had spent the whole time trying hard not to think about the date he and Cas were supposed to be sharing that night. He’d come by on Sunday morning, but Cas’ family’s arrival had given him only a few minutes. 

They’d moved Cas to a new room after the first night. Dean no longer had to walk around the bed to get to his good hand. As had become his routine, he walked up and kissed Cas on the forehead before sitting down and holding the frail hand in his. He stroked it absently while he told Cas about his day. Mostly he didn’t look at the face of the pale figure on the bed. The swelling had gone down, but in fading the bruises had somehow become more horrible to look at, all yellow and brown and _wrong_ on that beautiful face. 

He did look at Cas when he said, “Cas, I wish you would wake up, man. Please. I need you to be all right, ok?” Tears sprang up in his eyes, but he chased them away with rapidfire blinking. His vision was so obscured for a moment that he didn’t see the eyelids in front of him start to flutter. When his eyes were clear again, he thought at first he was imagining the movement. Then the lids popped open and a pair of bloodshot bright blue eyes bored into his. He leapt to his feet. 

“Cas?! Hey man, hey!” 

The face in front of him squinted in evident confusion. Cas looked down at their linked hands, his brow furrowed. He tried to speak, but his unused voice was too hoarse. Dean jumped up and grabbed the pitcher of water, pouring him a small cup. He maneuvered the straw around and allowed Cas to take a few small sips. Cas nodded and dropped his head back when he was done. 

“Thank you,” he croaked out. “Who are you? What’s happened to me?” 

Dean felt his heart drop into his feet. 

“I’m, uh, I’m Dean. Dean Winchester?” Cas just looked at him blankly. “We’re...we’re friends,” he finished lamely. “You were hit by a car. You don’t remember?” _You don’t remember_ me? he thought. Cas shook his head. “You hit your head twice, so I guess that’s not surprising. You’ve been in a coma for almost a week.” 

“You were holding my hand.” Cas said, his head cocked to the side. Before Dean could say anything, he straightened his head and he asked, “Where are my brothers and sister? Why is it just you?” 

“It’s, uh, still school hours. They’ll be here soon. Actually, I guess I should call a nurse, let them know you’re awake,” he said, as if in a fog. Cas didn’t know who Dean was or why Dean had been holding his hand. He tried to console himself with the fact that at least Cas couldn’t contradict his story to the police, but it was a hollow victory to say the least. He told himself it wasn’t running away when he left to get a nurse, but it felt like it. 

He felt awkward as the medical personnel poked and prodded and asked Cas a hundred questions. He figured he wasn’t technically supposed to be there, but everyone seemed to forget about him in light of Cas being awake. He could have left, but he wanted to seize the opportunity to just watch Cas for a while, unobserved. Cas was too busy with nurses and the doctor to notice Dean’s attention. His face looked much better, now that it was animated again. The bruises didn’t seem so bad. 

The doctor said they’d need to keep him a couple more days for observation and that Cas would probably need physical therapy when his casts came off. Then the staff was leaving and it was just Dean and the guy who didn’t know who he was, alone in the room. Dean walked forward slowly, one hand in his pocket and the other scratching the back of his head. 

“I, uh, I guess I should go now,” he said without making eye contact. 

Before Cas could speak, another nurse Dean recognized came into the room to take some blood. She chatted to them as she worked. “Glad to see you’re awake now, honey.” She nodded in Dean’s direction, her fingers never faltering in their precise movements with needle and tubes. “This one here has shown up every day just to check on you.” She finished drawing the blood and discarded her gloves. “Sat with you for hours, just talking,” she said, patting Dean’s shoulder as she walked around him to make a note on the whiteboard. “You’ve got good friends, Mr. Angeles,” she said with a wink as she walked out of the room. 

Dean cleared his throat. He was afraid Cas was going to ask questions he wasn’t ready to answer. He had been bold that day in Cas’ bedroom, but all that confidence was gone now. It was a lot harder for Dean to think about how they’d kissed and shared one amazing afternoon now that Dean’s recklessness had landed Cas in the hospital. It was a lot harder to think about it when Dean knew he would have to _tell_ Cas about the amazing afternoon in order for Cas to even know it had happened. 

“I, uh…” Cas looked around, as if there were words hidden somewhere in the room. “Will you stay until my brothers and sister come?” 

Dean looked at him, surprised. “Uh, yeah. Sure, man.” 

Cas asked for more water and Dean obliged. “Can’t talk much. Talk to me?” Cas asked gruffly. “Tell me how we met?” 

So Dean started with what Cas had told him, about the moment on the steps. Dean left out all the romantic subtext and just gave him the bare facts. Something flickered across Cas’ face for a moment, but he shook his head, as if he’d lost an almost-memory. He weakly waved a hand for Dean to keep talking. Dean talked about the afternoon on the bleachers, when they’d talked about all kinds of things. Then he started talking about the ride in his car. 

He had no idea how to talk about the rest, but he never had to try. He was about to start talking about Led Zeppelin when the remainder of the Angeles clan walked into the room. They were all polite but dismissive, except for Anna. She gave Dean a genuine smile for which Dean was grateful. 

He gave Cas a little wave as he slipped out the door. Cas didn’t wave back, but he had given Dean a bemused half smile. Dean didn’t know if he should visit again the next day. If Cas didn’t remember him, maybe it was better if he left him alone. He decided he’d had enough hard thinking for the day and he would leave the choice until tomorrow. 

He got to Bobby’s way early, but the place was busy and Bobby put him to work right away. He was glad of the distraction as well as the extra money he’d see on his paycheck. He lost himself in the guts of cars for the next several hours, and then headed home. He ordered a pizza and went upstairs for a long, hot shower. He was toweling off his hair when his phone started buzzing against the sink. 

He didn’t recognize the number, but it was local, so he picked it up. “Hello?” 

“Hello, is this, uh, Dean?” It was Cas’ voice and Dean couldn’t help the joyful way his heart sped up at the sound. 

“Yeah, who’s this?” He hoped he sounded more casual than he felt. 

“It’s Castiel Angeles. I, um, I found your number in my phone and I thought…” There was a silence for a moment, then Dean heard muffled voices, as though Cas had the phone pressed to his chest. “Sorry, the nurse came in. Um, anyway, I wondered if you’d come back tomorrow night? My brothers will probably leave about 6, so…” 

“Do you-” he tried to say, but his voice cracked and it came out a croak. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Do you remember me?” He tried to keep the hope out of his voice. 

“No,” Cas said with a sigh. “But I got the impression that I’m...important to you. Am I wrong?” 

“No, you’re right,” Dean said quietly. He didn’t elaborate. He couldn't. 

“Ok. So if that’s the case, I suspect you were also important to me before my accident?” 

“I think so.” 

“The doctors say the memory loss will probably only be temporary. So I thought maybe if I spend more time with you it will help jog my memory. ” Dean’s mood lifted considerably at the idea. There was silence on the line for a moment, then Cas said, “The police came by while my brothers were here. They said you saw what happened?” 

Dean’s mood instantly dropped again. “Um, yeah. I was there. I’m the one who called 911.”

“That must have been very upsetting. I’m glad I don’t remember any of that.” 

He tried not to let his mind fill with images of Cas lying broken and bleeding on the ground, but he couldn’t seem to stop it. “Yeah, it was pretty fucking scary.” The last time he had been that scared, a five year old Sammy had fallen off the back of their parked moving truck and landed on concrete. The infinite seconds - before Sam had opened his eyes and started crying - had been some of the scariest of Dean’s life. That night had been the last time he’d been in a hospital - up until last Friday, anyway, when both those records were broken. “So, uh, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night?” 

“Ok, Dean.” Cas hesitated before hanging up and Dean waited. “I...thank you. Bye.” Dean couldn’t help but feel like Cas had wanted to say something else, but he didn’t let himself dwell on it. 

Once he was dressed he went downstairs in time to answer the door for the pizza delivery lady. She was too old for him, but cute enough that he flirted anyway. He knew nothing could come of it and the interaction made him feel better, so he didn’t see the harm. He called Sam to the kitchen to eat. He didn’t know where their Dad was, but he figured he’d be there when he got there. If there was no pizza left when he showed up, that wasn’t really Dean’s problem, was it? 

“Hey, Dean! Man, that smells awesome, I’m starving.” 

Dean could only laugh at that. “Dude, are you ever _not_?” He grabbed a couple paper plates and handed his not-so-little brother one. 

“Very funny. Oh, hey, how’s your friend?” He asked before shoveling almost a whole piece of pizza into his face. 

For Sam, Dean was able to let go of all the negative aspects of the afternoon and focus on the bright spot. He punched his brother lightly on the arm. “Dude, with work and everything, I almost forgot to tell you - he woke up!” 

His bright smile was genuine. Here in his kitchen, away from blue eyes that no longer recognized him, he could be happy and relieved that Cas was awake again. That there was no brain damage. That, even though he didn’t remember who Dean was, Cas wanted to see him again. 

“Dean, that’s awesome!” The lanky twelve year old had almost finished three whole pieces of the pizza and Dean was only on his first. He figured he’d better eat faster if he wanted to get enough to be full. They chatted about various things while they ate. There were two pieces left when Sam finally declared himself full. 

“You got homework?” Sam shook his head no. “All right, put the rest of the pizza away and we’ll watch a movie.” 

“Don’t _you_ have homework?” 

“I did it at Bobby’s.” Sam looked skeptical, but Dean raised an eyebrow and Sam moved toward the pizza in silence. 

They watched the movie and joked around till it was past Sam’s bedtime, but Dean figured one time couldn't hurt much. They hadn’t gotten to see each other as much this past week because of everything with Cas. Sam protested when Dean finally forced him up to his room, but since the kid was barely keeping his eyes open, the protest was rather half-hearted. 

“Love you, bro,” Sam murmured sleepily as he stumbled toward the bed. 

Dean’s eyes crinkled and his mouth turned up in a fond smile. “You, too, Sammy.” 

Dean walked into his room and undressed down to his boxer briefs. He set some music playing on his small stereo and turned off the bedside lamp. He stood for a moment, adjusting to the dark room and staring out the window at the street below. When Dean finally climbed into bed, he was remembering the time he’d spent with Cas the previous Thursday. He hadn’t allowed himself to really think about it since the accident. 

It was his first time kissing a guy and Dean couldn’t have asked for anything better. Those were probably the best kisses he’d ever had, period. He had always liked it when girls took the lead and he found he liked it just as much when Cas did. The way the guy had stroked all over his face and body like that...he was getting hard just thinking about it. 

He gently stroked himself through his underwear, thinking about those big blue eyes and lush lips. He thought about the tapered fingers that petted and clutched and stroked. He imagined them around his cock, fluttering over his balls, playing with his ass. He fumbled in his bedside drawer for the washcloths and cheap lubricant he kept in there.

He could have cum within moments once he was slick with lube, but he chose to make it last, spinning out the fantasy for several minutes, until he was panting. When he imagined Cas’ eyes looking up at him, as Cas’ full wet mouth closed around the head of his cock, he began to cum, barely getting the cloth up in time to catch his sticky white release as it shot out of him.

He wiped the lube off with the dry part of the cloth and tossed it into his hamper. He dropped the lube back in the drawer. Then he passed out, on top of his covers, in post-orgasmic bliss. 

Getting through school the next day was hard, in large part because he’d been skipping so much the past week. Thankfully, Jo had helped him out with assignments, but that didn’t spare him the lectures on attendance. Finally it was over and he was in his car, heading to Bobby’s. As Dean had expected, Bobby didn’t object to letting him leave a few minutes ahead of his normal 5:30 quitting time, once he heard that Cas was awake. That would give him time to get home for a quick shower, throw some dinner together for Sammy, and get back to the hospital by 6:15. 

The time spent fixing leaks, changing oil, and replacing brakes flew by much faster than school had. He was done with everything there was to work on by ten after 5 and Bobby let him head out. Dean greeted Sam first when he got home and made sure the kid was doing his homework. Then he went to the kitchen and threw some stuff into their rice cooker. Dean let Sam know when dinner would be ready and told him that they could eat together if Sam was ready when it was. Finally, Dean ran up to take his shower. 

As was usual when he didn’t use the shower for self-pleasure time, he was quick but thorough. He loved working on engines, but he hated the black grime he got on his arms. He wore gloves for his hands for the bad jobs, but he still ended up with filthy fingernails. The Winchesters went through a lot of soap because of it. He didn’t stop to wash the shower like he usually did because he wanted to make sure he had time for everything. 

“Hey, Sam,” he said, popping back into his little brother’s room. “You’ll probably have to clean the tub before you take a shower tonight. Sorry about that.” 

“You going somewhere?” 

“Yeah, I’m stopping by to see Cas. He asked me to come by later today. I just wanna get to the hospital well before visiting hours are up. I’m gonna be later than I said as it is.” 

“Ok, cool. I’m almost done. Is dinner ready?” 

“It will be by the time you get washed up and down to the table.” 

Dean scooped the rice dish into two bowls and a Tupperware container. He put the bowls on the table, then grabbed two forks and a couple of sodas and carried them over just as Sam came in the room. Sam looked excited when he saw the food, and Dean thought it was probably because it had so many vegetables in it. Apparently he was wrong, though. 

"Oh, man, is this the spicy kind with the ground beef in it? I love when you make this!" 

Dean was surprised. Sammy hardly ever complimented their food except when it was pizza. Dean always thought his brother didn't pay that much attention to what Dean was feeding him. He never asked for certain dishes or anything. Well, except requesting more vegetables in general. 

"I didn't know that. Should I make it more often?" 

"Nah, I like that you mix it up. You always make good stuff, this is just one of my favorites." 

"Uh, thanks, Sam," Dean said gruffly, with what were definitely _not_ tears in his eyes. 

"You heard from Dad this week?" Sam tried to sound casual, but Dean knew his brother hated it when their dad stayed away for so long without getting in touch. 

"Does his leaving his laundry in the hamper count?" 

Sam rolled his eyes, but Dean could see the hurt he felt. 

"Sorry, man. Look, do you want me to stay in tonight?" He didn't want to miss seeing Cas, but Sam was obviously upset and he didn't want to leave the kid alone. 

Sam looked pleased by the offer. "Cas is waiting for you, though…” From his hangdog expression, it was obvious he didn’t want to be alone. Then he perked up. “I could come with you. Your friend wouldn’t mind extra company, would he?” 

Dean had a moment of panic, but he thought it was really the best solution. It wasn’t like Cas remembered that they were...whatever they had been. More than friends. Less than boyfriends.

“That’s a great idea,” he told Sam brightly. “Lemme just call him and make sure he’s up to having another visitor.” He went upstairs with his cell phone and called the cell number he’d saved to contacts the night before. It went straight to voicemail, so he called the hospital and asked for Cas’ room number, but no one picked it up after 10 rings. He went back downstairs.

“Ok, Sam, I’m gonna bring you with me, but I couldn’t get in touch with him. You done with all your homework?” Sam nodded. “All right, grab a book to read, just in case. When we get there, you wait outside the door. Let me make sure it’s cool with him. If it’s not, you’re gonna sit in the waiting room and read for a few minutes, ok? I won’t stay long if he doesn’t want you there, though, cool?”

“Yeah, man, cool. Let’s go.”

Dean was a bundle of nerves the whole way to the hospital. He let Sam pick the music for once and the terrible tunes were in no way soothing. They were almost there when he remembered that Sam didn’t know about Cas’ memory.

“Oh, hey, Sammy, listen,” he said, gratefully turning off the radio. “Cas hit his head pretty good. His memory is a little off. He, uh, he doesn’t actually remember who I am, other than the fact that I was there when he woke up. So I just didn’t want you to wonder why, if things are awkward or he asks a lot of questions.”

“Aw, man, that sucks. It’s probably just temporary, though. Happens a lot after accidents.”

“Oh, yeah?” He’d given up questioning how Sam knew things he didn’t. The kid was super smart and really invested in learning. He sought out information the way most kids his age sought out trouble. They talked about amnesia and other head injury-related topics until they got to the hallway where Cas’ room was.

“Ok, hang back here, Sam. I’ll just be a second.” He took a deep breath and stepped into the room, polite smile plastered onto his face. A male nurse was doing something to Cas that Dean couldn’t see. He knocked on the door with two knuckles and the nurse looked around.

“Come on in, we’re almost done here.” He finished whatever he was doing and walked over to make a note on the board. “Ok, Mr. Angeles, call if you need anything.” He smiled at Cas when he said it and when Cas smiled back Dean felt jealousy prickle in his chest. He forced himself to ignore it. The nurse continued to smile as he turned to Dean, and so did Cas, and that helped. Not like he had a right to be jealous anyway.

“Hello, Dean. Thanks for coming by.” 

“Yeah, of course. I mean, we’re friends.” He said it with what he hoped looked like an easy smile. In truth, it hurt that he had to remind Cas of the fact, even if Cas couldn’t help it. _And his head injury is your fault_ , a nasty voice in his head reminded him. He cleared his throat and shook off those thoughts. “Listen, um, I hope you don’t mind, but I brought my little brother with me? He was gonna be home by himself and…” 

If anything Cas looked a little relieved. “No, I don’t mind. It gets pretty lonely in here. Bring him in.” 

Dean went to the door and motioned Sam inside. Before he could introduce them, Sam was striding toward the bed, left hand outstretched. Cas reached his hand up to take Sam’s. 

“Hey, Cas, I’m Sam. Sorry about your accident.” 

“Hello, Sam. Thank you. I’m on the mend.” He looked at Dean then. “You...did you call me Cas before?” Dean had a hopeful moment, but then Cas continued, “The day I woke up?” Dean nodded. He turned back to Sam. “Most people call me Castiel,” he explained. Sam looked as if he might apologize, but Cas only smiled at him. “I like “Cas’, though. What grade are you in, Sam?”

Dean spent the next half hour mostly just watching his brother and his friend interact. They were easy with one another right away and that made Dean really happy. Sammy was the most important person in Dean’s life, so it was important to Dean that his friends got along with the kid. The fact that Cas genuinely seemed to like him made it that much better. Sam liked Cas, too, and Dean felt more confident about his crush - even if he hadn’t really had a choice in the matter.

They had started off chatting about books, and that led to talking about Cas’ apparent love of nonfiction - about animals and bees in particular. That had turned into talk of science and now they were discussing Sam’s science project. Sam was talking animatedly about the robot he and Dean had built. Cas was asking if Sam built a lot of machines.

“Nah, not really. Dean’s the mechanical one. He’s a genius with engines and stuff. That’s why he’s such a good mechanic. I couldn’t have made the robot without him. I’m more of a breaker than a fixer,” Sam joked.

“Oh, me, too,” Cas said with a fond smile. “I guess that makes you and Dean a good team.”

The conversation so closely echoed the one he and Cas had had in the Impala that Dean felt a little ache in his throat. Instead of giving in to the sadness, he ruffled Sam’s hair. “Oh, yeah, great team - I had to learn how to fix things coz he kept breaking them!” His smile was teasing and Sam playfully punched him in the arm.

“How did you really get into fixing cars, Dean?” Cas’ demeanor said he was genuinely curious and not just making conversation or Dean might have changed the subject.

“Uh, my dad’s good with cars. When I was younger, he used to show me stuff. The Imp-uh, my car used to be his.” Dean corrected himself when he realized Cas wouldn’t remember the Impala.

“Yeah, but it was a junker when Dad gave it to him. Dean got it running and looking awesome again.”

“You seem to have a fan, Dean.” Cas hadn’t meant to, but his words embarrassed Sam a little.

“Pfft, yeah right. He’s good with cars, but he’s still a dork,” Sam postured, complete with eye roll. “I mean, he’s got that badass car and he still can’t get a girlfriend!”

Dean had heard this from his father since he’d first started at Southpoint and started crushing on Cas. It wasn’t like he didn’t know it was unusual for him not to date. Then again, it wasn’t like he normally brought the girls home, either. It stung that he couldn’t tell Sammy the truth. Not because he thought Sam would care or judge him. But because the guy he liked, the first guy he’d kissed, was just a few feet away - and had no idea who Dean was.

He grabbed Sam and dug his fingers into the kid’s armpits, a known ticklish spot. Each of his statements afterward was punctuated with another jab of the fingers. “Oh, like you’re such a hit with the ladies? What, like, do all the 6th grader honeys swoon over that mop top of yours? Do they? ‘Oh, Sammy, I love your glorious _hair_!’” Dean said in a wild falsetto. His grin was slightly evil as he teased and tormented his younger brother till he wheezed and squeaked and begged for mercy.

For the first time ever, Dean heard Cas belly laugh. Almost immediately, though, the laughing turned into “Ow, oh, stop, stop! Hey, don’t make the person with the bruised ribs laugh, guys!” which was followed by more laughter. Dean grinned at him, but let his brother go.

“Sorry, dude.” The apology was somewhat marred by Dean’s cocky grin. He’d managed a two-for-one, making both of his favorite people laugh. He was pretty pleased with himself.

They talked for a while about what Sam was taking in school and then about Cas’ favorite classes from other years. Cas and Sam tried to talk to Dean about his subjects, too, but Dean deflected and asked Sam about his grades. Dean didn’t want to get into how many times he’d skipped this past week to come see Cas - and he had a feeling it would come up if they kept talking. It was just the way his luck ran.

They moved from school to music. Cas and Sam had similar taste, though Cas was more inclusive. He liked all kinds of things. Sam made a joke about Dean’s Led Zeppelin and a frown crossed Cas’ face for a second. “I...I feel like…” He shook his head.

“What’s up, Cas? You ok?” Dean was concerned he might be feeling bad after all the laughing.

“No, I’m fine, just, I don’t know. Led Zeppelin almost sparked some deja vu, I suppose. But if it was a real memory, it slipped away and I lost it.” He shook his head again and talked about another band he liked, called The Decemberists, of which neither Winchester had ever heard.

The same nurse came in a little while later, to take more readings. On his heels was the cafeteria cart and Cas’ sad looking meal. The nurse told them on his way out that they had fifteen minutes until the end of visiting hours.

Cas thanked them for coming by and told Sam it had been nice meeting him. He shook Sam’s hand and then Dean, without thinking, started to lean down to kiss Cas’ forehead, as he had everyday when Cas was unconscious. He saw Cas’ eyes widen and that’s when he realized what he was doing. He hastily leaned toward Cas’ ear and, in a loud stage whisper, said, “Thanks for putting up with my pain in the ass little brother.” He plastered his best imitation of a jokey grin on his face and clapped Cas on his good shoulder. Sam punched him in the hip and called him a jerk.

“See you later, man.” Dean said to Cas when he straightened up. “Want me to come back tomorrow? Or are you getting out of this joint soon?”

“Uh, I don’t know when I’m getting out, but I don’t think it’s tomorrow.” The injured brunet was clearly still flustered by Dean’s unexpected proximity a few seconds earlier, but he tried to hide it. “I’d like the company, if you’re not too busy…”

“He’s not busy, Cas. No girlfriend, remember?” This was Sam’s way of getting back at him for the pain in the ass comment.

“All right, I’ll be here same time tomorrow. Sam can’t come, though. He’s washing his hair.” This earned another laugh from Cas and another punch from Sam. The latter was definitely worth it for the former.

* * *

Castiel heard someone say “Cas” and his eyes fluttered open. He was greeted with the most beautiful green eyes he had ever seen looking back at him. He didn’t know who they belonged to or where he was. He hurt all over and he couldn’t move his right arm or left leg. There had been a hand holding his, but it jerked away. His mind was fuzzy. He wasn’t sure of everything he was saying. He really liked those eyes.

Then there were doctors and nurses and he couldn’t see the eyes anymore. Were they gone? He was sad, thinking they might have left. Then the medical staff left him in peace and he saw that the green eyes and the equally beautiful face to which they belonged were not gone, after all. He was so relieved that he asked the boy to stay. He was afraid that he - Dean, his name was Dean - wouldn’t want to, but he agreed readily.

He asked Dean to talk because Castiel himself could barely think. He didn’t know how much of it he would be able to retain, but he didn’t care, either. He found he liked the voice as much as the eyes and the face. Watching the lips move was a bonus. He had a moment where he could picture school steps and those green eyes together, but it faded quickly and he was back in the room.

Then it was his brothers and Anna invading the room, sending Dean away again. He got rid of his family as quickly as he could. He played up his physical pain so he could ask for rest. His mind was clear now, at least. But he still didn't remember Dean. Or anything about the school year. The last thing he recalled before waking up in this room was going to the beach with Anna in July. There were fuzzy half-memories floating around, but nothing solid. Nothing he could hold onto for longer than a moment.

The pain was a constant thing. He could have called for meds, but he wanted to wait until it was closer to bedtime, so that he had a better chance of sleeping. To distract himself, he picked up his cell phone, idly. He found himself looking through his contacts until he found the entry he was looking for. He was glad he sorted his contacts by first name because he suspected he would have given up before he reached “W”.

Before he could stop himself, he was dialing the number and asking Dean to come see him again. He didn’t say so, but he wanted him to come at night because nights were the worst for him when it came to loneliness. He always had trouble sleeping, but even before that, once the world outside grew dark, so did his mood, his heart seeming to drop like the sun.

As soon as he hung up the phone, he was second-guessing himself. He had asked Dean to come at night because that was when Castiel was most vulnerable, but he hadn’t considered what that might mean in terms of Castiel’s ability to hide his attraction. By the time the next evening came around, Castiel was equally as terrified to see Dean as he was excited to see him. What if he let something slip to Dean about how beautiful Cas thought he was?

When Dean finally arrived, Cas couldn’t help the smile that broke out on his face. The male nurse probably thought it was for him, but truthfully Cas caught a glimpse of Dean out the open door before he walked in. Castiel’s mouth had moved of its own accord, widening and opening up and crinkling up his face. Still, he was nervous about what he might do, so finding out Dean was not alone was a welcome bit of news. He got to be near Dean, but he had a buffer to keep him safe from himself.

Why did his name have to be Sam, though? Castiel didn’t hold it against the kid, but he really did feel sick whenever he heard that name. Not that he did hear it all that often. As the time with the Winchester brothers wore on, he started to get used to it. He liked the way the boys interacted with each other. Castiel found he liked Sam a lot, actually. He also realized that he liked Dean’s personality as much as his face and that meant something to him. When he found out Dean didn’t have a girlfriend, he tried not to read anything into it, but he couldn’t help the hope that sprang up.

He knew he’d never be able to ask Dean to come back again. Not face to face, anyway, and calling him, when he’d just seen him, would be weird now that he wasn’t freshly awoken from a coma. He was relieved and happy when Dean offered to come anyway. There would be no buffer this time, but Cas thought he was probably ok with that now. Or at least, he thought so until the next day, when Dean was there and Dean had to put his hands on Cas to help him adjust his position. Then Cas had to use all his willpower not to shove his mouth against the blond’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There now, that wasn't so bad, right? I live for comments. SPEAK TO ME I BEG YOU.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3, time for a sleepover. In which Dean meets Sam's best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some angst in this chapter, but really it's mostly happy things. I really don't know if I will stick to the MWF schedule because as soon as a chapter is edited, I want to post it immediately! But I promise to try and keep it to _at least_ MWF. Blessings to my beta [Mahbbys](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mahbbys/pseuds/mahbbys) without whom this fic would not be possible at all. Go read some of her stuff and show her some love.

It was finally Friday again and Dean couldn't believe it had been a whole week since the accident. Bobby had called first thing to see if he wanted to take Garth's shift, since he had called in sick. When he left school to head for Bobby's, Sam called him to find out if his friend could stay over, since his mom was working. Dean said it was fine and promised to let them order a couple of OnDemand movies and some pizzas. 

When Dean got home, he was running late already. His last job at Bobby’s was a waiter, which meant he had to finish it before he could leave. He was not in the mood for finding Sammy’s door locked. When Sam finally came to the door, he would only open it a crack. His face was flushed and Dean had a really good idea of what he was up to in there. He told Dean he’d be right out and quickly shut and locked the door again. 

Dean said, “Downstairs, Sam. Now.” His voice brooked no argument. He took the stairs two at a time himself, as a measure to calm himself down before his brother got down there. He walked into the living room and took several deep breaths while he waited for Sam to arrive. 

When the disheveled preteen walked in, he tried to act innocent. He wasn’t quite meeting Dean’s eyes, but his eyes were wide and his face was blank. Dean wasn’t fooled. The boy’s face was still flushed red in the cheeks like he’d been playing sports - or making out. 

“Sam, is this what it’s come to already?” 

“What are you talking about, Dean?” 

He knew the walls were thin, so he kept his voice low and on the verge of a whisper. “I get that you’ve got hormones, kid, I do, ok? But you can’t lie to me and tell me you’re bringing home some guy friend when you’ve really got a girl up there! I mean did you really think I wouldn’t find out?” 

“Dean, it’s not a girl, it’s Gabe, we were just-”

“Sam, you don’t lock your door when you’re ‘just’ anything. Your hair’s a mess, your face is all hot and sweaty - and your damn mouth looks like you got friggin’ collagen injections. So don’t tell me you weren’t up there kissing.”

“I wasn’t, Dean, I swear! We were-” Sam froze when they could clearly hear his bedroom door open and footsteps come toward them.

Dean pursed his lips, eyes wide and looked at Sam as if to say “Now we’ll see, won’t we?”

“Sam, is it cool if I grab a soda?” As the sentence ended, the speaker finished coming down the stairs and came into Dean’s line of vision. When he saw the short, sandy-haired boy, Dean’s face lost all color. He’d never for a second entertained that when he had this conversation with Sam, it would be from this side of it.

Dean recovered enough to say, “Help yourself. Gabe, right? I’m Dean. Listen, you mind staying down here for a minute? I need to talk to Sam up in his room, ok?” He said it all in a rush, grabbing an obviously terrified Sam by the arm and leading him toward the stairs as he talked. He thought he heard Gabe agree, but he honestly didn’t care. He got Sam into his room and closed the door, gently pushing Sam in the general direction of the extremely disheveled bed.

Sam had tears in his eyes when he turned to Dean. “Dean, I swear we weren’t,” he began, his higher-than-normal voice breaking as he tried to reign in his obvious fear.

“Sammy, stop.” Dean’s voice was low and calm, but firm. His brother did, but his eyes welled and his lower lip trembled. Dean sat beside him on the bed and put his arm around his shoulders. “Sam, you know I love you more than anything, right?” His brother nodded, not making eye contact. “Were you kissing Gabe when I got home?” Sam didn’t look up, but he slowly nodded, a sob escaping him, and Dean saw two fat tears land on his brother’s jeans.

Dean took a deep, steadying  breath before broaching the next question. “Sam, are you gay?” It took longer for his brother to respond this time. When at last he did, it was a single shoulder shrug. Dean sighed and nodded.

“Look, Sam. You’re not in trouble and I’m not mad at you, ok? Just...be more careful. If I had been Dad, this conversation…” He felt his own measure of fear then. “It would, uh...be going very differently. Like, very badly, Sam.” He frowned and added, “And don’t...don’t rush into anything, all right? Take it slow. Take care of yourself.”

Sam still hadn’t looked up. “You think I’m a freak, don’t you?” His voice was barely audible.

Dean couldn’t help the laugh that came bubbling up at that. “No, Sam, come on. No, I don’t think you’re a freak. Not at all.”

Sam shot him a glance without looking at his face. “Yeah, right. You’re trying to be the good big brother, but I know you’re disappointed.”

“Sam, I’m _not_. You don’t…” Dean realized there was really just one best way out of this for them. He wasn’t ready to do this, but then he supposed Sam hadn’t been, either. He cleared his throat and stood up. He forced Sam to look at him with a knuckle under his chin. “You were joking yesterday about me not having a girlfriend. Well, you wanna know why I haven’t dated any girls since we got here? The real reason? It ain’t coz I’m a dork.” Sam tried to smile at that, but he mostly just looked miserable and confused. “You met him last night.” The confusion only increased at that. “I haven’t dated a girl lately because...I like Cas. 'Like' him, as in I want to date him. I...we kissed the day before his accident.”

Sam’s eyes grew wide. “What? But...you’ve always dated girls.”

“Yes, I’ve always dated girls and I have always liked girls and I still like girls. But I’ve also always liked guys. Cas is just the first one I liked enough to...whatever, I like him. You’re not a freak.” He waited for Sam to say something, but he didn’t. "So, that shrug, does that mean you don't know if you're gay? Does that mean you like girls, too?"

"It means..." Sam sighed and leaned back on the bed, propping on his elbows. "It means I just know I like Gabe. I've only ever liked girls before, but I've never kissed one. With Gabe it was just...different. I don't know, Dean. This is new. We've been friends for a few months, but this is the first time anything happened."

"It's ok, Sam. You don't have to have an answer. If you’re ok with it and Gabe’s ok with it…” Dean tried to think of all the things he wished someone had told him when he was struggling with his attraction to boys. “It’s not weird. It’s just different from average.” He smiled at Sam, his face full of affection and pride. “And you’ve never been average at anything.” Sam finally smiled a real smile back and Dean felt a weight lift.

“So, wait,” Sam said, his face clouding again. “You and Cas kissed...but now he doesn’t remember you? Dude, that _sucks_.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.” He didn’t say more, hoping Sam would let the subject drop.

“And hey, I’m not ready for...you know. Anything else. With Gabe. Just, you know...kissing’s nice.”

“All right, good. I hope you’ll take your time and not rush into anything. It’s...it’s a big deal, ok? Make sure you’re really ready - and _safe_ ,” he emphasized with lowered brows, “when...when the time comes. Whether it’s with Gabe or a girl or whoever. Just remember, you can talk to me, ok? About anything.” Dean checked his watch and tried not to react to how late he now was. “Listen, I really need to get out of here. We good?” Sam nodded, smiling. “All right, awesome. Love you, Sammy,” Dean said, squeezing his brothers shoulder.

“You, too, Dean. You’re the best, you know.”

Tears pricked Dean’s eyes as he turned away. Remembering his earlier promise, he dug into his jeans. He pulled out some cash and handed it to his brother.

“For the pizzas. You probably wanna get drinks, too. You can get two movies, ok? Nothing higher than PG-13, though, unless you check with me first. I don’t want you dreaming you’re turning into a demon like last time.” Sam surprised him with a quick hug around the neck. Dean laughed as he returned it, but those tears prickled again.

Dean no longer had time for a shower, so he just headed out to his car. He was still reeling from his conversation with Sam. That had been a shock. He’d never suspected Sam might be anything other than straight. From the sound of it, though, neither had Sam. It was possible that his attraction to Gabe was a one-off, Dean supposed. It didn’t really matter, in the long run, anyway, because one thing was for damn sure: Dean would make sure it was easier on Sam than it had been on him. He started the engine and headed out.

On the way to the hospital, he decided to try to call his father, but it just went straight to voicemail. He wasn’t surprised. He left a “just checking in” message that he didn’t really expect a response to. He pushed thoughts of his absent father out of his head. He’d be back when he got back - or he wouldn’t. Dean couldn’t deal with the latter possibility, so he ignored it.

When his mind was still, his brain turned naturally toward thoughts of Cas. He found that his heart rate sped up the closer he got to the hospital. Dean didn’t understand how just knowing he was about to see Cas, even though Cas didn’t remember him, even though Cas was in the hospital because of him, could possibly make him feel better, but it did. He was excited that he was about to see Cas. More than he maybe had any right to be, but he couldn’t help it. Those blue eyes, and that voice, and that personality...they did things to him.

His hands were shaking by the time he walked into the hospital room. Cas’ smile was bright and happy, and the way seeing Dean walk in made Cas’ eyes light up warmed Dean to his core. Especially since he assumed Cas still only knew him as the guy who had been there when Cas woke up and nothing more.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas. How you feeling today?”

"I'm ok. It's nice to see a friendly face. I mean the nurses try, but-" He shrugged instead of finishing the thought.

"Aren't your brothers and Anna still coming to visit?"

Cas made a face. "Anna was here earlier and that was nice. A couple of my brothers came by later, but..." Cas' face was sad as he sighed and looked toward the dark window. "We don't really get along." He turned back to Dean and said, "I don't mean that we argue, I just mean, we don't have a lot in common. They don't really understand me. It's not like you and Sam."

"Ha, yeah Sam and I have even more in common than I ever thought." Dean said it without thinking and instantly regretted it. He quickly changed course in hopes that Cas wouldn't question his statement. "But yeah, I know what you mean because that's the kind of relationship I have with my dad."

Cas face was sad yet guarded. "My mother died when I was very young. My father...no one knows where he is." Dean knew this already from their conversation on the bleachers, but he said nothing as he watched Cas shift uncomfortably in the bed. "It's just been the siblings for a long time." He tried shifting again, but he was obviously having difficulty.

Grateful to be able to change the subject, Dean asked, "Hey, Cas, you need some help? You look pretty uncomfortable."

Cas' face was relieved. "Would you mind? I'd like to be up higher in the bed."

It wasn't until Dean got close that the two of them saw the flaw in the plan. They were going to be very close and touching in a way that was as intimate as a hug. Dean ignored the awkwardness - or tried - and quickly wrapped his left arm around Cas' ribs and placed his right hand in the brunet's armpit. Cas did the best he could to assist as Dean hoisted him higher in the bed.

The small maneuver had drained Cas' strength and he collapsed back on the bed - right on top of Dean's arm. Dean tried to pull away so he wasn't lying on top of Cas, but his movement was limited and he was now face to face with Cas, with only a couple of inches between them. Unable to meet those blue eyes head on, his gaze slipped automatically to Cas lips instead. He swallowed reflexively and then Cas was leaning toward him.

Cas stopped a hair's breadth from Dean's lips and huskily whispered, "You're free."

"What?" Dean asked, aware of nothing outside the face and breath in front of him.

"Your," Cas cleared his throat and turned his head slightly, voice squeaking. "Your arm is free."

"Oh. Oh!" He pulled back hastily. "Yeah, cool. Uh, more, um, more comfortable now?"

Cas nodded, not making eye contact. To break the awkward tension, he said, "So you said you and your brother are more alike than you realized?"

Caught off guard, Dean unconsciously focused on Cas' full lips as he replied, "Yeah, we share some of the same, uh, interests." He excused himself to the restroom, where he splashed cold water on his face and attempted to get a grip.

When he returned, he was calmer and he changed the subject. "So, I know you don't remember me, but are there other gaps? Like do you remember this semester at school? Or is your memory just blank after a certain point?"

Cas looked very relieved by the topic change. "I don't remember much of anything about the past 4 months. Nothing about the school year. Very little about the end of summer. Obviously, nothing about the accident. I'm glad about that for a lot of reasons."

"What reasons besides the obvious?"

Cas made a face. "My brothers and I fought over this, actually. They can't wait till I can remember so that we can 'nail the bastard that did this to the wall!'" He said the last part in a deep macho voice.

"You don't want to catch the person who hit you?" Dean hoped the tremor in his voice was only obvious to him and not Cas.

“For what? Is it gonna give me my memory back? Fix my leg?” He scraped his good hand through his hair, his agitation obvious. He launched into a speech that sounded like he’d given it before. “I don’t believe for a second that the person intended to do it. It happened on school grounds, so it was probably just a teenager like us. Maybe it was some girl who just found out she got pregnant. Maybe it was some guy who had just got beaten up. They’re freaking out and driving too fast and suddenly there I am and it’s too late and they’ve hit me.”

He laughed without much humor. “Sorry, my brothers got me a little riled up over it. Basically, I don’t see the point in them going to jail and having their life ruined, when mine hasn’t been. If I were paralyzed or something, then maybe I’d see the point, but…” He shrugged and fell silent.

“Fair enough,” was Dean’s only response. What could he say? He felt like he couldn’t argue either side of the argument. He certainly didn’t want Cas to pursue it, but he couldn’t very well encourage him to drop it, either. “Do the police have any leads?”

“Just what you were able to tell them. Apparently the hospital was supposed to save my clothes for evidence, but they got sent to the laundry instead.”

“How would your clothes have helped?”

“They might’ve found paint flecks, which could have maybe narrowed down the car search.” Cas shrugged again, obviously not interested in continuing the conversation.

Dean, relief flooding through him at avoiding a danger he hadn’t known existed, managed to make a joke about wishing someone would accidently do his laundry and Cas chuckled. After that they stuck to less volatile subjects. Cas asked how Sam was and Dean told him about the sleepover. Cas expressed a mild jealousy that Sam was still at the age where he could have sleepovers. His nostalgia might have surprised Dean earlier, before he knew the score with Cas and his brothers, but not so much now.

"You miss sleepovers?"

"Oh yes," Cas said with a chuckle. "Everything was so much easier back then. I had many of them with one friend. His name was Sam, too, actually. Sam Andriel. We were always at each other's houses." Cas' smile lit Dean up inside. He looked so happy that Dean felt his own jealousy stirring, but he tamped it down.

Cas continued. "We were inseparable. We would make up these crazy shows, radio shows, and we'd record them. It was a lot of fun. Then we'd stay up all night, just talking." The smile left Cas face after a moment as the memories spun out in his head, and Dean couldn't deal with the sadness that replaced it. He scrambled for something to fill the silence.

"Well, I'm pretty sure those two are gonna spend their time renting the dorkiest movies in existence and eating me out of house and home."

Cas smile was wan, but at least it was back. He wondered what had happened between Cas and that Andriel kid that it could still cause Cas so much hurt. He wanted to cheer him up and make him forget again. Dean had a crazy idea then. He blurted it out before he had a chance to think about it.

 

* * *

 

Sam was excited when his friend Gabe asked to spend the night. He hadn’t taken the time to examine his feelings too closely, but he really liked spending time with Gabe. He didn’t know if he thought Gabe was cute - not the way he thought girls were cute, anyway - but Sam liked it when Gabe would bump into him with his shoulder or make some other kind of physical contact. Sam was kind of nervous about what that meant, but Gabe seemed to like it, too, so Sam didn’t worry too much about it.

He was actually pretty sure Gabe was gay, anyway. Once or twice, when Sam had pointed out a girl he thought was cute, Gabe had said things like “She’s ok, I guess. For a girl” or “Not really my type.” Then he had looked at Sam in a way that made the younger Winchester feel like maybe _he_ was Gabe’s type, but he never pushed the issue.

Gabe had never spent the night before. Since Sam had only one bed and not much floor space, that meant Gabe would be lying very close to him all night. Sam wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but he kind of felt like he liked the idea. When they were actually sitting on the bed a little while later, Sam knew he liked the idea. What he didn’t expect was for Gabe to stop in the middle of the conversation and ask “What would you do if I kissed you right now?”

Later, Sam didn’t even remember what he had said in response. He just knew Gabe suddenly locked the door and then there were lips pressing against his lips, where previously there had been none. After that he just knew that being kissed by his best friend was one of the most thrilling experiences he’d ever had. He was tingling all over, from his scalp to the bottoms of his feet. Their hands mostly stayed in one place, not daring to explore, but Gabe held tight to his shoulders and his own hands fisted in Gabe’s shirt front.

So lost in the kissing was he that Dean’s arrival at his door came as a complete shock. Dread pooled in his belly and he did his best to make himself presentable before he poked his head out. He hoped Dean couldn’t see past him to where Gabe rested on the bed, leaning back propped on his elbows, his position making the pup tent in his khakis even more evident.

Sam was freaking out completely. He downed an entire bottle of water before he left the room and headed downstairs, a thousand possible lies swimming through his head. In the end, he tried for innocence, but Dean obviously didn’t buy it.

When Gabe came downstairs, Sam felt shame and fear wash over him in a wave. Dean was his big brother. He was the most important person in his life. Sam tried so hard to make him proud, but how would he react to this? Dean tried to model himself after their father in so many ways. Sam couldn’t expect this to be any different.

By the time they got upstairs, Sam was on the verge of bawling his eyes out. More than anything he didn’t want to lose his relationship with Dean. He tried another lie, but Dean wouldn’t let him and he felt sick. Then Dean’s arm went around him and he didn’t understand. Dean was asking him all the questions he really didn’t want to answer, but Sam knew lying would only add more shame, so he didn't bother.

And then Dean was... _accepting_ him? No, that couldn’t be right. Dean was a great brother and he was trying to be cool, but John Winchester wouldn’t approve, so surely Dean couldn’t. Only, it seemed he _could_. It seemed he _did_.

Sam couldn’t believe his ears when Dean said he wanted to date Cas. Sam felt a weight slither off his shoulders. All the shame he had felt was transformed into adoration for his brother. Sam couldn’t help throwing his arms around Dean and squeezing for all he was worth. He pretended he didn’t see the tears that sprang into Dean’s eyes.

Dean had already left by the time Sam got downstairs. Gabe was sitting on the couch with a soda. He stood up when he saw Sam. His face was full of concern with a small dose of fear thrown in. It was the first time Sam could remember seeing him without even a hint of his trademark smirk.

“Your brother didn’t say anything when he left. Do I have to leave? I didn’t mean to get you in trouble.”

“No, man, it’s cool. My brother was…” Sam shook his head, face breaking into a grin. “He was awesome.”

The smirk was instantly back on Gabe’s face. “Does that mean I can kiss you again?”

Sam laughed. “Dude, first things first. I’m starving!” So they ordered pizza, after several minutes tense debate. Gabe liked weird things on his, so in the end they got two mediums instead of a large. Sam knew he could have gotten it half and half, but he really didn’t want to run the risk of Gabe’s weird crap getting on his side.

It took them even longer to pick a movie. By the time they were ready to order it, the pizza had arrived. They scarfed pizza and guzzled soda while they watched. When they were done eating, Gabe didn’t try to kiss him, but he did reach over and grab Sam’s hand. Sam enjoyed the contact. He liked it even more a little while later, when Gabe let go of his hand and put an arm around him. Sam reached over and put his now-empty hand on Gabe’s knee. They sat that way through the rest of the movie and two more trailers. They only broke the contact when Dean called.

Dean asked Sam to sleep in Dean’s room and let Gabe have Sam’s room. Though Sam assured Dean nothing would happen, in truth he was a little worried that Gabe might try to go further than he was ready for. It wasn’t like he didn’t know how to defend himself. He just hoped that Gabe liked him for more than that. If he didn’t, though, Sam supposed it was better to find out now.

When he got back to the couch, Gabe was sitting against the arm with his legs stretched out. He motioned for Sam to sit between his knees. Sam wanted to, but he also remembered Dean’s warning about Dad catching him.

“Ok, but listen, if you hear the front door, let me go because I have to jump up in case it’s my dad. He won’t be cool like Dean. Not at all.”

“I promise,” Gabe said, face deadly serious. “My step-dad can be a real dick, too, so I get it.”

Then Sam was leaning back against Gabe and they were holding hands against Sam’s chest. Once they started the next movie, it was clear it wasn’t as good as they had hoped. Only a few scenes in, Gabe shifted slightly and kissed Sam again. This time the kiss was nothing like the previous ones. Those had been frantic and strange and thrilling. This one was tender and gentle and chaste.

Gabe pulled back and smiled so sweetly at Sam that the younger Winchester thought his heart stuttered. “I like you, Sam.”

Sam smiled back. “I like you, too, Gabe.”

 

* * *

 

 

"You wanna have a sleepover tonight, Cas? Here in the hospital?"

Cas laughed, mostly in confusion. “What? What are you talking about?”

“I can find a way to stay past visiting hours and we can hang out all night. Talk about whatever. I’ll buy us a bunch of really crappy food from the vending machines. Whaddya say?” Dean tried not to get his hopes up because the truth was, he hadn’t had many sleepovers himself. And the idea of hanging out all night with Cas, acting like a couple of kids, well, it sounded like a great way to spend a Friday night to him.

Cas mulled it over. “It does get pretty miserable here when everybody leaves. What if we get caught, though? I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“Nah, what could they really do? Throw me out, I guess, but they couldn’t, like, arrest me or anything, right? Besides, people on tv are always spending the night in other people’s hospital rooms. If you don’t want me to sneak, I guess we could just ask a nurse.”

Cas still looked unconvinced. Then his head snapped up straighter. “Actually, that nurse from the other night, the one who told me about you coming to visit? I think she’s on tonight. She’d probably let you stay.”

They agreed that Cas would ask her as soon as she came in on her rounds. Then they talked about what snacks Cas wanted from vending. Dean could see excitement lighting the blue eyes and he was glad. It was probably silly and childish, but if you couldn’t act that way when you were stuck in the hospital - or trying to cheer up someone else who was - when could you?

It was almost the end of visiting hours before she showed up. Her badge said her name was Missouri. Her face brightened when she saw that Dean was visiting again and Dean thought that was a good sign.

“Missouri, how strict are the hospital's visiting hours?” Cas asked her.

“What do you mean, honey?” She asked, only half paying attention as she went about her tasks.

“I mean, is it possible for someone to stay the night in my room?”

The nurse stood up from what she’d been doing and turned to face Cas then, glancing between him and Dean. She bit her lip and hummed, contemplating. She went back to making notes of a machine’s readings before speaking.

“Well, boys, I suppose that’s possible. Technically speaking, it’s supposed to be immediate family only.” She made a final notation and stood up, addressing Dean. “So, if anybody asks, you’re his brother.” She smiled at both of them and made a notation on the whiteboard, indicating she’d done her rounds in the room. “I’ll let them know at the nurse’s station. See if I can’t find you a blanket, too.” She patted Dean’s shoulder as she walked out.

Dean’s face broke into a grin and he gave Cas two thumbs up and an eyebrow wiggle. Cas’ answering grin was almost as big. Dean made a list of the things Cas wanted and went down to the vending area to see what he could get. He stopped by the gift shop first, to get a bag to hold it all. He ignored the part of him that wanted to buy Cas a present and instead looked for tote bags and also games to occupy their time. When he saw the price of the bags, he decided he’d just use whatever shopping bag they gave him with his purchase. Then he went searching for the cheapest game he could find.

He was about to give up when he saw a display of playing cards and knew he’d found the perfect thing. At $6, they were definitely not a bargain, but one thing he was good at was playing cards. He knew a lot of games. When times had been hard in the past, he and Sammy had spent many hours amusing themselves with Rummy, Poker, Speed, War and dozens of other games. Cas might not know any of them, but Dean was a good teacher. He’d shown Sammy and now the kid could sometimes beat him at most of them. Except Poker, that is. Sammy was terrible at bluffing. He reminded himself he needed to call Sam after he got the food.

He paid for his cards and asked the cashier if he could get a larger bag. She was too bored and sleepy to object and gave him a good sized one. He figured he could get all the snacks and a bunch of drinks in there, too. He headed back to vending and ran into Missouri on the way. She smiled at him and he smiled back.

“Thanks again, Missouri.”

She smiled and started to turn away. She stopped though and turned back, her face serious. Dean could tell she wanted to ask him something, but she hesitated.

“Something wrong?” He finally asked.

“Before his accident…” She trailed off, rubbing her lips with her fingers. For some reason, Dean's heart was pounding. He had a feeling he wasn't ready for the nurse to ask her question, but he couldn't seem to move or say anything to stop her. "Before the accident," she repeated, "Were you two together?"

Dean forced out a laugh and responded with a slow, "Whaaat? Why would you - “ Her thoughtful expression did not otherwise change, but one of her eyebrows went up. He dropped the fake smile and lowered his voice. "Why would you think that?" He was no longer posturing - he really wanted to know what clues he was giving away. Because he could not afford to do that.

Missouri leaned closer to him, lowering her own voice slightly. "One day when you were leaving, I saw you kiss his forehead. Another day, I saw you holding his hand." She searched his face. "Nobody knows, do they?”

He didn't even try to deny it. "No." His laugh was sad. "He doesn't even know anymore."

"You poor thing. Well now _I_ know, honey. And for the record, I think you're good together. He may not remember you yet, but he still lights up when you're around." She patted his arm reassuringly. "He'll get his memory back, though, don't you worry, and he’ll remember what you are to him." Her smile was warm and Dean felt real affection for her in that moment.

"Thanks, Missouri. For everything."

She just smiled and turned back the way she'd been headed. When she reached the wall that separated the vending machines from a side hallway, she turned and greeted someone.

"Hey, Ellen! What brings you up here?"

Dean looked up in time to see _his_ Ellen step out from behind the wall. By the look on her face, he suspected she had overheard part of the conversation. He faked a smile and waved at her. Then he busied himself buying snacks and drinks while she talked to Missouri and hoped he'd be done before they were. His heart had started pounding again. 

While he appreciated Missouri's support and he was glad he could be there for Sam, he was more than a little angry at the way the evening was going. He certainly didn't remember scheduling any damned coming out party, but he seemed to be having one, anyway.

"Hey, Dean." Ellen was close behind him when she spoke and he jumped. “You look like you’re hoarding up for the winter.” She was smiling, but her eyes were full of motherly concern.

“Yeah, I’m, uh, just getting some stuff for Cas.” He shrugged with one shoulder and turned back to get his soda from the machine. He threw a vague smile over his shoulder as he put in more money for a couple of other things.

“So, when your...friend gets his memory back…” She waited until she had his full attention again. “I’d like to meet him.” She looked at him pointedly and Dean stopped being angry. She had only ever asked to meet one other person in his life and that had been his old girlfriend, Cassie. Without saying anything about what she’d overheard, Ellen was making it clear that she knew what Cas was to him. That she _accepted_. At that moment, he felt incredibly lucky. Her next words did away with that feeling. “How’s your dad? Haven’t heard from him in a while.”

“Yeah, well, that makes 2 of us. 3 counting Sammy.” Fear shone in his eyes as he said, “And when you do, _please_ don’t tell him ab- “

“Dean! Boy, I would never!” Dean didn’t know which of them was more shocked when she clutched him to her in a fierce hug. It was brief, but it was the first time she’d ever done it. It meant more than he knew how to say, so he just smiled at her and hoped it was enough. “I better get back to work. You and Sam come see us tomorrow when you get off at Bobby’s, ok?”

With that, she was gone. He finished buying snacks and drinks and then pulled out his cell phone. He dialed Sam and waited for him to pick up. After 4 rings, it went to voicemail, but Sam called him right back.

“Sorry, man, my hands were covered in soda. What’s up?”

“You mind if I stay over at the hospital? Can I trust you there by yourself?” He wasn’t worried about Sam’s safety should there be an intruder or a fire. Their father had trained those survival skills into them long ago. It was a certain sandy-haired boy with whiskey eyes that worried Dean at the moment.

“Dean,” Sam’s voice was exasperated. “You know I can take care of myself. Dad showed me how to use -”

“I’m not talking about that and you know it. Can I trust you and Gabe to behave while I’m not there?”

Dean heard shuffling and when Sam spoke again, his voice was low and there was wind noise. “Dean, I told you, I’m not ready for anything else. I won’t let things get out of hand. I don’t even know if we’re gonna kiss again. I mean, we haven’t even done it again since you left.”

“Ok, I believe you. I just want you to be safe, you know.”

“I know, Dean.”

“So you don’t mind? I’ll be home before Bobby’s, but I doubt you’ll be up. Am I supposed to take Gabe home or anything?”

“Nah, his mom is coming to get him tomorrow afternoon. And no, I don’t mind. I’m glad, actually. I like Cas.”

“Cool. Hey, you wanna go to Ellen’s tomorrow after Gabe leaves? I ran into her and she invited us over.”

“Yeah! I haven’t seen her and Jo in ages.”

“Listen, Sam,” Dean said, trying hard not to sound like Dad. “Sleep in my bed tonight, ok? Let Gabe have yours. I know you say you’ll be careful, but I know how things can get out of hand - “

“I will, Dean. You’re right. No problem.” Sammy sounded as though he meant it.

“All right, little bro. Love you. Call if you need anything at all, ok?”

“You, too, Dean. I will.”

Dean walked back to the room, feeling oddly at peace. When he got to the door, he saw Cas through the window. His blue eyes were flat as he sat there impatiently fidgeting. When he looked up, though, Dean realized Missouri was right. Cas' eyes and face did light up, seeing Dean standing there. He had thought so, but it was nice having another person say so. Dean smiled and opened the door.

“Got some good stuff, man. All the snacks you asked for, plus a bunch you didn’t. Got us some drinks. Aaaannnnd,” he said while reaching into the bag. He whipped out the cards with a flourish. “Playing cards! I know you’ve only got the one hand to play with, but I figure you can wedge your hand of cards into the edge of your cast and play with your good hand.” He smiled like it was the best idea ever and Cas laughed.

“What’s that one?” Cas asked, pointing at green and white rectangular package in pile of goodies Dean made at the foot of the bed.

“That? That’s my apple pie.”

“You can get apple pie from a vending machine?”

“You’ve never had it? You have led a sheltered life, my friend.” He winked at Cas, his good mood getting better with every second that passed. “But I am not sharing, dude.” Cas looked so genuinely disappointed that Dean took pity on him. “Unless,” he said, pausing for effect, “You tell me a secret no one else knows about you.” He waggled his eyebrows and got Cas to laugh again.

“You wanna know a secret about me? Why?”

“Come on, man, isn’t that what you do at sleepovers?”

“Yeah, ok. Um...let me think.” Different emotions flitted across his face as he thought of and discarded possible bits of information. Finally, he said, “Ok, I’ve got one, but you can’t tell anyone. Promise?”

“Pinky swear,” Dean said solemnly, holding out his little finger. Cas smiled as he awkwardly locked his own with it and shook on the promise.

“I don’t have a license and I don’t know how to drive.”

“ _What_? Are you freaking serious?” Dean was honestly shocked at the confession. Learning to drive and getting his license had been priority one for him. He couldn’t believe Cas didn’t know how, when Dean himself had been driving since he was 14.

“My brother Raphe tried to teach me. But he made me so nervous, barking all those orders, that I ended up crashing his car. They all refused to help me after that.”

“What about driver’s ed? Isn’t that required to graduate?”

“Yeah, I’m supposed to take it next semester, but I’m really nervous,” he said with a small laugh.

“Tell you what, Cas. Once you get out of your casts, I’ll give you driving lessons.”

“What? No, I’d wreck your car!”

“First of all, if you did, I could fix it. Second, no you won’t, because I am a good teacher. Third, we’ll start in an empty parking lot where you can’t hit anything.”

“You’d really do that?”

“Everybody should know how to drive, Cas.” Cas held out his hand for the pie then and Dean laughed. “You should know I don’t share my pie with just everyone. Stop and appreciate the moment, man.”

Cas just smiled and shook his head as Dean placed a corner of the pie in his open palm. He looked at it for a moment, trying to figure out how to maneuver it into his mouth. Dean realized his predicament.

“Oh, shit, sorry, here.” Dean tried to break the piece in half, but it just sort of started falling apart. He shrugged and lifted what was now a small pile of pie up to Cas’ mouth. Cas hesitated, then leaned his head forward and took the gooey bite into his mouth, accidentally closing his lips over Dean’s fingertip as he did so. Dean sucked in an involuntary breath, halfway between a gasp and a groan and Cas’ face burned red.

Dean smiled and stood up, pretending nothing had happened. “Duh, I just realized your dinner fork is right over there.” He walked around the bed to where the dinner tray and rolling table were. He placed the pie on the tray then, using the wrapper as a plate and cut off another bite. This time he fed it to Cas on the fork, trying to ignore the way he could still feel those lips on his finger. Trying to ignore how gorgeous those lips looked when they closed around the fork and then caught on the metal when he slid the fork back out.

“So, what do you think? You like it?” _Did you like it when you sucked on my finger? Coz I sure as fuck did._ “The pie?” he clarified unnecessarily.

“It’s good. I mean, it’s not pie, strictly speaking, more like a turnover, but it’s close enough.”

“Hey, it’s pie _adjacent_ , man. That’s good enough.” Dean broke off a piece for himself and devoured it, unable to resist closing his eyes as he licked his fingers. If he mouthed a little longer at the finger Cas’ lips had touched, well, he was only human. And a teenaged human, at that. Then he opened his eyes to find Cas watching his ministrations, mouth parted and pupils dilated. Dean deliberately slid his finger through the filling again, scooping a small amount onto his finger and then sliding the finger halfway into his mouth. As he sucked the sugary gel from his finger slowly, he could hear Cas’ breath quicken.

Cas suddenly realized that Dean’s eyes were open and watching him. He flushed and dropped his eyes. Then he said, “It’s your, uh, it’s your turn.”

Watching Cas watching him had been doing things to Dean. There was not adequate blood flow to his brain for him to know what the hell Cas was talking about. He just said, “Huh?” and wondered for a brief moment if Cas meant he was going to lick his own fingers and Dean got to watch.

“To tell a secret,” Cas explained, the red still staining his cheeks slightly. “Can I have some of that Mountain Dew?” he asked then, his voice cracking so much he had to stop and clear his throat in the middle.

“Oh. Um, yeah.” Dean got up, hoping his flagging erection wasn’t as obvious as it felt. He grabbed the bottle and opened it. He took the straw from the cup on the nightstand and slid it into the bottle, but it was a little too short. Instead, he poured the soda into the cup and returned the straw. He placed it carefully in Cas’ good hand.

“Thanks.”

“So, a secret, um…” _All I want right now is to kiss you till neither of us can see straight, how’s that for a secret?_ “How about I deal the cards while I think about it?” Really Dean just wanted to busy his hands. Because Dean’s brain still wasn’t at full capacity and it was easier on Cas to use only one hand, he started with a game of War. He moved the food tray to a chair and lowered the table slightly so they could play on it more easily.

Somewhere in the middle of the first round, Cas reminded him he was supposed to tell a secret. Dean thought for a moment and then thought of one that seemed about equal to Cas’ own confession.

“This is only my third sleepover, ever. Unless you count the times my dad dropped me off with his friend Ellen and I had to share a room with her tomboy daughter, which I don’t.”

"Why didn't you have more? I realize in my current state I don't know you very well, but I find it hard to believe you don't make friends easily."

"No, you're right, I'm pretty good with people, actually. I just moved around too much, I guess," Dean said as he shuffled his pile of won matches and slid them to the bottom of his deck. He motioned toward Cas' pile with a questioning look and the other boy nodded.

"By the time I got to the point in a friendship when we might have started going home on the bus together, my family was usually already moving on." He shrugged, dismissing the subject.

Cas appeared to be losing the game, but Dean knew having low cards at the end of a round didn't necessarily mean a loss. He talked to Cas about cards and games for a while. Then they talked about movies and tv. Cas didn't watch a lot of either, but, as Dean had already discovered, he did read, and there he and Dean definitely found some common ground. Dean was happy to realize that Cas’ interest in books was not limited to the nonfiction stuff he and Sam had bonded over. The guy liked Vonnegut, too and some others that Dean was really into.

When Cas came back and defeated him at War, Dean demanded another secret. Cas demanded more drink and snacks first. Once he had both, he was quiet a long moment while Dean shuffled cards.

Then Dean whisper-chanted "Secret, secret!" until Cas blurted out, "This is the best time I've had in years."

Dean's smile was huge and bright, showing all his teeth and crinkling his eyes and Cas smiled back, though his was a little more guarded.

"Yeah, man, tonight has been really good. It's my second best time in years."

Cas' voice was casual as he said, "Oh? What's first on your list?" but Dean thought he saw a flash of hurt in his blue eyes before he dropped his head and spoke.

"The day before your accident. When we went for a ride in my car and we went back to your room to hang out for a while." Cas' head snapped up, his eyes searching Dean's face as if for any sign of mockery, but there was none.

"What, uh, what was better about that time?"

But Dean shook his head. "I'd rather wait till you get your memory back. It's no fun if I have to tell you."

"Oh. Ok. I guess so. What happens if I don't get it back, though?"

"Man, you will, ok? You...you have to...but if you haven't remembered in the next week, then I'll tell you, ok?"

Cas nodded as Dean tucked cards into his cast so they were facing him. "What game is this?"

Dean laughed. "Go Fish. Is that ok?"

Cas smiled and rolled his eyes. "I actually love this game."

They'd played a couple hands when Dean asked, "Your turn for a secret?"

"Actually, why don't we change it up? You can ask me any question and I swear I'll answer honestly. And then you'll have to answer mine honestly, too, obviously."

Dean liked the idea of asking Cas anything, but he was scared of having to answer himself. He wouldn't lie, though. That wouldn't be fair. Dean thought of a thousand questions he wanted to ask. Things like "Do you like me? Would it be ok if I kissed you? What happened that made you and Sam Andriel stop being friends?" but in the end he went for the teenage boy question.

"How many people have you had sex with?"

Cas choked on his sip of Mountain Dew and coughed so much Dean started to worry. But after a minute he caught his breath and waved away Dean's hovering concern.

"Just one." He didn't elaborate and Dean didn't press the issue. "My turn?" Dean nodded. "Same question."

"Two."

Dean was silent through another hand. Then he asked, “Who else used to call you Cas?”

“My mom,” Cas said with a faint smile. Dean felt a pang, remembering that day on the bleachers. Then Cas tried to shift and made a pained face. “Dean, could you help me again?” He laid his cards and snacks down on the table and Dean wheeled it out of the way.

It happened much like before. The effort exhausted Cas and he collapsed back onto Dean’s arm. Only this time, Dean’s arm was further behind him, leaving their faces even closer together. “Why were you watching me lick my fingers, Cas?” Dean breathed out in a whisper of air that he knew must have dusted Cas’ lips. Lips he currently couldn’t keep his eyes off of.

Cas, eyes wild like a trapped beast, whispered back, “It’s not your turn to ask a question.”

Instead of responding, Dean gave in to the urge he’d been having all night, and crushed Cas’ mouth in a kiss. Cas tensed up in surprise, and Dean was about to pull away, but then Cas started kissing back. Dean melted against him, reveling in the sensations he had been so desperate for this past week. Cas hand came up to his cheek and petted him like before, but soon it stilled and moved to Dean's chest, gently pushing him away as Cas leaned back away from the kiss. Dean opened his eyes, face full of confusion, disappointment and hurt.

"Door," Cas said breathlessly. Dean's confusion only deepened. Castiel took a deep shuddering breath and tried again. "People walking down the hall can see us through the door." His face was apologetic, but he held the green eyed gaze with no evident shame or regret and Dean took heart that he was not being rejected.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. I didn't think..." Dean was glad Cas had been thinking more clearly than he had himself. If the wrong person had walked by, had seen them...This was a small town. People talked and families learned things.

Cas distracted Dean from the dark turn of his thoughts when he suggested, "Maybe we can try that again once we turn off the lights for the night."

"Ready for bed?" Dean asked brightly, his over-eagerness mostly a joke. He winked at the brunet. "Just kidding, Cas. But I would very much like to try again whenever you're ready to douse the lights."

Cas smiled at him. "Soon, Dean."

And it was. They didn't finish the hand of cards. Instead they spent a few minutes talking and using the weird spongy toothbrushes the hospital gave patients.

"Dean, had we - before my accident, I mean - or is this new?" Cas tripped over his words, but Dean understood the gist of it.

"Kissed? Yeah. And it's been hell not being able to since then," he said with a low laugh.

"It really has," Cas agreed, earning a looked of shock from Dean. "What? You think I was watching you suck on your fingers because I have a pie fetish?" It was Cas' turn to laugh, but then he turned serious again. “I wish I remembered you. I’m sorry I can’t, Dean. Was it...are we...serious? Have we been together long?”

“We haven’t been together very long. The other question is...harder to answer. It wasn’t...it’s not casual for me, Cas.”

“Good,” Cas said quietly. “I think I’d like you to turn the lights off now, Dean.” His smile was shy and sweet and it pulled at Dean in a way he wasn’t ready for.

Dean walked over to the light switch and shut it off. When he turned around, however, he saw that the light from the hallway spilled right across the bed. In frustration he headed back to his chair, only to make a sudden realization that made him feel stupid and happy at the same time. The weirdly patterned cloth he’d been seeing out of the corner of his eye all night was a privacy curtain. Smiling triumphantly at a bemused Cas, Dean dragged the curtain around on its noisy ceiling track until the bed was completely hidden from the doorway.

“Heya, Cas,” he said, ducking inside the cloth to stand next to the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me, especially you Sabriel shippers! While the Sabriel is only bby!Sabriel in this fic, it is very much an important part of the story (especially if you plan to read the sequel!)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes Sam and Gabe to Ellen and Jo's for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is gonna hurt "So many".
> 
> I finished the last part of editing this without the help of my Beta, so any typos you find are the fault of the writer, not her Beta.
> 
> I am clearly not keeping the that MWF schedule very well. You people and your comments are making me dance like a trick monkey.  
>  ~~I love it.~~
> 
> I have changed Andrea Barr's last name, but the character is loosely based on her, which is why she's in the tags.
> 
> **_Trigger warnings: There are overtones of alcoholism, abuse and some discussion of past homophobically-inspired abused._ **

When Dean's phone woke him, he was disoriented. He was in a dim room he didn't recognize, lying on a couch. Then he saw Cas' face above him on the bed, slack with sleep, and he remembered. His phone showed it was after 3am and Sam was calling. His heart started pounding and his hands were so clumsy that he barely got the call on the last ring.

"Hey, Sammy, everything ok?"

"Dad just woke me up leaving a message on the machine." Now Dean's heart really went nuts. "He said he was on his way back. He's only about an hour away."

"Shit. All right, Sam. Go back to bed. I'll be back soon and take the couch."

Dean grabbed his things together quickly. He was grateful, and not for the first time, that his father held on to old technology. He and Sam might have slept through a cell phone call or voicemail indicator, but Dad's voice booming through a tinny speaker with the volume set on max? Not a chance. He gently shook Castiel's shoulder.

"Cas! Hey, Cas!" he said in an urgent whisper. Bloodshot blue eyes finally appeared in the sleep-muddled face. "Listen, man, I'm really sorry, but I gotta go. My dad is on his way back. If I'm not there he's gonna raise total hell."

Cas rubbed his eyes and tried to sit up, but Dean gently pressed him back against the bed.

"No, go back to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow night, ok? Same time?" Cas nodded with a half smile, barely awake. Dean hesitated, then kissed him firmly on the lips with a loud 'smack' sound. They both smiled fully at that. Then Dean was making a mad dash for the parking garage.

Dean took liberties with the speed limits and made it home in record time. He hoped the cool air would chill the engine enough that it would no longer be ticking by the time John got back. The old man would notice. He couldn't control it, so he ignored it. Instead he grabbed blankets and sheets and made a bed on the couch, trying his best to give it a slept in look. Sam came downstairs before he was finished.

"Hey, I thought I said to go back to bed?"

"Yeah, but...do you think you should drive Gabe home in the morning? Keep him away from Dad?"

Dean debated as he finished making his pre-rumbled bed. "How about you both come to Bobby's with me? Hang out up there? We'll tell Dad that's what we had planned and that Gabe's mom is planning on picking him up there."

Sam nodded gratefully. He started to go up the stairs, but then turned around again. "Did you have a good time with Cas?"

Dean's smile was wistful. "Yeah, it was, uh, pretty fucking great."

"Does he remember you yet?"

"No, but..." Despite their earlier conversation, Dean found he was unable to look at Sam as he said, "But I did get to kiss him again."

"Awesome," Sam said with a grin.  "G'night, bro." With that he went back to bed.

Dean knew it would be better to be awake when John got home. He wasn't that sleepy, anyway. He was a little hungry, though, since all he'd eaten were snack foods. He made himself a sandwich and poured a glass of milk. Then he sat in the dark kitchen to eat, thinking about the half hour before he had gone to sleep on the hospital couch.

_“Heya, Cas.”_

_“Hey,” Cas had tried to say, but his voice failed him._

_Dean only smiled. After okaying the idea with Cas, Dean helped the brunet scoot to the far side of the bed, so that Dean could lie down next to Cas and kiss him, without all the awkward leaning._

_Because of Cas’ injuries, especially the broken leg, it was still more awkward than sitting on the couch together had been, but Cas technique was mostly the same, at least._

_After a few minutes of non-stop kissing and petting, Dean pulled back to catch his breath, staring down into those amazing blue eyes. “God, I love when you do that,” he told Cas, racing heart making his voice shaky._

_“Do what?” Cas asked, unable to keep his eyes from straying toward Dean’s glistening lips._

_“Rub your hands all over my face and hair the way you do. Obviously, tonight it’s mostly just the one hand, but I don’t know, it’s like you’re trying to kiss me with your whole body instead of just your mouth. It’s amazing.”_

_Cas had smiled shyly then, dropping his gaze even further. Dean had used a knuckle to tilt his head back up and leaned forward with his eyes open, maintaining eye contact as he press gentle pecks against Cas’ mouth. “I could stare at your eyes for hours, Cas.”_

_“You give a lot of compliments,” Cas said with a shaky laugh. “I’m not good at -”_

_Dean had interrupted with a finger against his lips. “You’ll get used to it.” It was a kind of promise and that wasn’t like him, but he wasn’t scared, especially when he saw Cas’ eyes soften and shine. He knew it wasn’t rational, but for some reason he felt a profound bond with Castiel Angeles, one he knew would only grow stronger if they continued to spend time together. He felt easy with Cas. When he thought about how much he wanted this to last, then he was afraid. He didn’t want to lose Cas. It made his chest ache just thinking about it._

_He kissed Cas again, this time with his eyes closed, capturing the other boy’s mouth hungrily. He was trying to pour some of his overwhelming emotions into the kiss without throwing it all in there and scaring Cas away. The guy didn’t even remember him yet. No way would he be ready for the kind of attachment Dean was feeling._

_They had kissed for close to thirty minutes and then Dean had reluctantly pulled away. He had known that if he continued on kissing and being kissed so thoroughly, he’d start asking for things neither was ready to do. Cas was a fantastic kisser and so passionate that Dean almost couldn’t take it. When Dean told him as much, Cas said he wasn’t sure he_ would _get used to it. Dean had laughed and said “We’ll see.” Then he had kissed the gorgeous brunet on the forehead and gone to bed on the couch._

_Just before he’d drifted off to sleep, Dean had heard Cas whisper, “Best sleepover, ever.” He opened his eyes and smiled at the face smiling back at him. Then he had slept, more easily than he would have expected, on a strange uncomfortable couch. Somehow, having Cas there, just a few feet away, soothed him in a way he couldn’t name. He didn’t know how long he would get to keep Cas in his life, but as he drifted off, he had decided that he would waste no more time, enjoying every single minute of it from now on._

Dean finished his sandwich and rinsed his saucer and milk glass. As he turned off the water, he heard a key in the lock. He walked back into the living room, just in time to see his dad walk through the door.

“Hey, Dad. Good trip?” John shrugged, saying nothing. Dean rushed to fill the silence. He let John know that Sam’s friend was staying over. Then Dean told his dad that the two boys were coming to the garage with him in the morning for his shift, since it was closer for Gabe’s mom to pick him up there.

“Oh, and after work, Sam and I were invited to Ellen’s. If you wanna go, I’m sure she’d love to see you.”

Dean had no idea whether she would or not. He didn’t even know if _he_ wanted John to go or not. His dad was gone so often that things were awkward between them whenever he was back. Not to mention, John was a hardass to beat all hardasses and that made it difficult for Dean to feel like he could ever really be himself. Certain behaviors had been drilled into him since his mother’s death and while he couldn’t live up to them, he always had to try when John was around. It was exhausting.

“Yeah, maybe. Remind me tomorrow.” John was already walking up the stairs.

Dean told himself he wasn’t hurt by his father’s indifference. Just like he always told himself that he didn’t care about John being gone so much. Telling himself didn’t seem to change how he actually felt, though. John was never home and when he was, all he ever did was ignore Dean or dress him down for any action - or inaction - which John perceived as a failure. Wishing desperately - and finally even trying to pretend - that he was still on the couch in the hospital, Dean took a long time to go back to sleep.

The next morning’s alarm came far too soon. After he showered and dressed, Dean woke the boys so they could dress while he cobbled together some breakfast tacos for the road. When Gabe asked if there was any maple syrup, Sam just rolled his eyes and added some to one of the tacos. Dean suppressed a shudder and gave Gabe a bright-eyed smile. This was Sammy’s boyfriend, after all. _Have to be nice to the guy, weird or not_ , Dean thought.

Sam, knowing it was entirely possible Dad would be gone again before they got back, insisted on going to say goodbye to John before they left. If Sam’s expression when he came out was any indication, John had reacted in his typical “don’t poke the sleeping bear” way. Dean said nothing, just clapped his brother on the back and gave him a sort of shake - slash - hug , then ushered them toward the door. As they reached the Impala, he admonished both boys not to get food in his car.

“Especially,” he said darkly, “not sticky syrup.” Gabriel wasn’t offended. He showed Dean his hands and Dean realized the kid had already finished his breakfast before they’d even reached the car. Dean just shook his head. Sam wore a goofy smile that Dean decided he liked seeing, so he was more than willing to put up with a little eccentricity.

Once they got to Bobby’s and he got Bobby’s ok, he told the boys they could hang out in the breakroom till the other shops around opened up. He said as long as Sam kept his phone on, and as long as they were back by lunchtime, they were free to explore the area after that.

Dean got to work and let the puzzles of the engines take over his thoughts. He didn’t think about problems when he was fixing cars - unless they were car problems. He was grateful that today was plenty busy. It made the work hours go so much more quickly. On the rare occasions things were slow and he had nothing to occupy his mind, time dragged on and he couldn’t think about anything positive.

The boys showed up right at noon, as promised. It was easy to see where Gabe had spent the bulk of his money by the big brightly colored bag he held, with all the equally colorful candy poking out the top of it. Dean shook his head and asked if they had saved room for any real food. Bobby walked in then and informed them all that he’d ordered food for them and it should be arriving shortly.

“You didn’t have to do that, Bobby,” Dean said, touched.

“Of course I didn’t, ya idjit. I wanted to. You got a problem with that?”

Dean just laughed and shook his head. “Thank you, Robert,” he added sarcastically, which earned him a swat on the rear with a dirty red shop towel.

In the middle of lunch, Gabe’s cell phone rang. It was his mom, asking if he could stay with the Winchesters until later in the evening. It seemed she had been called in for an extra shift at her job. Dean agreed without hesitation, only noticing how tense Gabe had been once he saw the boy relax visibly when he got the okay. Dean and Sam exchanged a worried expression. Dean held his hand out for the phone.

“Here, let me give her directions for Ellen’s.” Gabe silently handed the phone over. “Hi, Mrs…” Dean frantically looked at Gabe as he realized he had no idea what the kid’s last name was, but the woman on the other end of the line responded first.

“Trixton. Ms. Trixton. Well, technically, it’s still Angeles, but it will be Trixton again soon enough.” Before Dean could even hope to process the information, she was speaking again. “I really appreciate you keeping Gabe a little while longer. I just truly need these extra hours. You’re sure it’s no trouble? His stepfather can -” Dean saw Gabe’s eyes going wide, having heard his mother through the phone. He shook his head at Dean, eyes pleading, and Dean suddenly had an idea why he’d been so tense earlier.

“No, ma’am, uh, Ms. Trixton, it’s no trouble at all. Gabe is welcome to stay as long as you need.” Moved by something he couldn’t name, Dean found himself adding, “In fact, anytime you’ve got an extra shift and he needs a place to go, he can stay with us. Gabe’s good people,” he told her, with a smile and a wink at the sandy-haired boy. He saw the grateful smiles on both younger boys’ faces, but he pretended not to.

“Oh, Mr. Winchester, that is so nice of you!” There was a pause on the other end of the line, as though she were weighing whether or not to say something else. Finally, she asked quietly, “Well, I didn’t want to ask, but, could Gabe stay another night? It’s just that, I’ll be so tired when -”

“No problem, Ms. Trixton. How about if I just drop him off tomorrow evening?” Evidently, neither Gabe nor Sam had heard her question because both boys’ eyebrows shot skyward and they looked excitedly at each other.

“That would be...thank you.”

They said their goodbyes and Dean handed the phone back for Gabe to say his. The two younger boys chattered excitedly until they were finished eating. Dean then excused himself so that he could call his father and Ellen. He let John know about Gabe staying another night and then reminded him about dinner at Ellen’s.

“Yeah, sure, I guess that sounds fun. What time should we be there?”

“Uh, I don’t know. I’m about to call her to let her know you and Gabe are coming. I’ll find out. Actually, why don’t I have her call you?” Dean told himself he wasn’t avoiding having to talk to his father again, but he knew it wasn’t true. He still wasn’t sure how he felt about John being at Ellen’s, but he supposed it was a bridge he was bound to cross now, so he would just cross it when it showed up.

Ellen was excited to meet Sam’s friend and glad to hear John was in town and also planning to come by. She told Dean to come on by with the boys whenever he got off shift. She said she’d tell John to show up just in time for dinner.

“That way I’ll have some time to talk to you boys alone. Don’t worry,” she said, “I won’t say anything about Cas in front of your brother or Jo.”

“Actually, uh, Sam knows.”

“Oh?” was her only reply, but Dean could hear the 1000 other questions underneath that single syllable. When Dean said nothing else, she said, “Well, I can promise you Jo won’t care, either. So maybe once he’s out of the hospital, you can bring that blue-eyed cutie over here to meet me.”

“I’d really like that, Ellen,” Dean told her, genuinely touched.

“Hey, you can always be out and proud at my house, Dean Winchester.”

Dean had to swallow forcefully and blink back tears before he could respond. When they hung up, he went in search of the boys. They asked if they could watch him work for a while and he agreed, after getting the thumbs up from Bobby. They had to sit on stools off to the side, away from the actual work, but Dean talked to them about everything he was doing. He was touched that Sam in particular was showing an interest and he took a little pride in showing off his knowledge a bit. Before he knew it, he was finishing the last job and it was time to head out.

On the way to the car, he thought about what Ellen had told him. He thought about how he’d promised himself that Sammy would have an easier time with sexuality than he had. When they were all strapped in, he started the car to get the heater warming up, but he didn’t immediately move. Instead, he turned around toward the back seat and faced Sam and Gabe the best he could.

“Look, Sammy, this is totally your call, ok? But, well, Ellen knows about, uh, Cas?” Sam’s eyes went wide, but Dean didn’t pause to allow questions. “She told me on the phone that I could always be ‘out and proud’ at her house,” he told them, smiling slightly. “So, if you two, I mean, no making out in front of us, I’m not saying that, but if you two wanna hold hands or whatever...Dad won’t be there until 5, so…” Dean was annoyed with how his words had failed him. He had been trying to be the cool older brother and instead it had come out all awkward and stupid sounding and he just barely resisted the urge to punch the dash.

Evidently, though, the boys hadn’t noticed anything awkward at all. “You really think she wouldn’t care?” Sam asked softly. He looked back and forth between his brother and his friend. “Coz, wow, that would be…” He and Gabe smiled at each other then, without saying anything else.

“All right, you two. No getting your syrupy romance all over my back seat, remember?” he told them with mock disgust as he finally backed out of the space. When he turned his head where they couldn’t see, though, he was smiling.

Ellen was excited to see them, clapping Dean on the shoulder and beaming. Jo tried to give Dean grief about all the missed school, but Ellen shushed her. “He’s been visiting a sick friend, Joanna Beth, you leave him be.” Then she turned to the younger Winchester. “And Sam Winchester, I swear, you get taller every minute! Who’s this, then?”

Sam cleared his throat, and without looking at either of them, said, “This is, uh, my...my boy...uh, boyfriend, Gabe.” He hesitantly lifted his eyes to Ellen to find her smiling happily at Gabe, who was staring at Sam, wide-eyed.

“Well, hey there, Gabe! It’s nice to meet you.” The sandy-haired boy stopped gaping at Sam long enough to smile and shake her proffered hand. When she pulled back she pointed and her face grew serious. “No kissy face at the dinner table.” Then she grinned. “Otherwise, you be yourselves and have fun.” They all made small talk for a few minutes and then Ellen said, “Sam, why don’t you take your _boyfriend_ on the walking tour?” Then she turned to her daughter. “Jo, how’s that potato salad coming?”

Then she and Dean were alone. She took him gently by the wrist and led him over to a couple of chairs near the crackling fire pit. The area was partly enclosed behind them, so the heat reflected back and made it pretty cozy. Dean snuggled into the comfortable seat and waited for the inquisition he was sure was on its way.

“So, Sam and Gabe, huh? How long have they been together?” Dean thought he heard an implied “And how long have you known about it?”, but he wasn’t sure.

“They’ve been friends for a while. I don’t really know for sure when the kissing started. I just caught them at it on Friday.”

“Ahh...and that’s when you told him about Cas?” Dean nodded. “So how long has that been going on? You and Cas?”

Dean laughed. “I don’t know, since the first time I saw him smile? We had only...we, uh, hadn’t really gone out yet when...I only found out for sure that he liked me too, uh, the day before his accident.”

“But you got it pretty bad, huh?” Dean blushed and looked away, his nod almost nonexistent. “All right, but I gotta ask, what about all those girls before? I mean, was that all just…” she waved her hands as if she could make the right words appear.

“I wasn’t faking it, if that’s what you mean. I...I still like girls, too.” He chewed his lip then smiled, watching Sam and Gabe laughing and chasing each other in the distance. “I think Sam still does, too. I’m, uh, I guess I’m pretty much textbook bisexual,” he said with a laugh. “Sam, though...I dunno, I think maybe he’s...I think it might just be Gabe? I guess that might sound weird…”

“No, not really. In my day we called that “college-sexual”, but I guess it’s possible Sam got there a little early.” She laughed at Dean’s raised eyebrows.

“Why do I get the feeling there is a very naughty story behind that statement, Ellen?”

“Don’t you try your charms on me, boy! I had a life before I met Jo’s daddy and other than that, my lips are sealed on the subject.”

Before Dean could hope to push for more information, Jo came up, declaring the potato salad to be finished and the pot roast to be well on its way.

“What are you two over here gossiping about?”

“None of your business, Joanna Beth. I sent you away for a reason.” She grabbed herself a beer from the cooler at her side.

“It’s all right, Ellen.” Dean got up and grabbed a cola from the same cooler as he spoke, not looking at Jo. “We were talking about the fact that Sam isn’t the only Winchester brother who has a new guy in his life.” He glanced at her only briefly before looking off into the distance again, chugging his soda like it was a beer and might give him some much-needed confidence. Instead, it just made him burp.

“Wait, what? Dean Winchester! Do you have - ” She stopped and scooted closer, dropping her voice to a whisper. “Do you have a _boyfriend_? Like, are you dating a _guy_?!” Her eyes were wide with surprise, but Dean saw no judgement in them.

“He’s not...he isn’t my boyfriend...or, not yet...but I guess we’re dating? We were supposed to go out last Saturday, but he was too busy being in a coma.”

Jo’s voice was loud and deep when she said, “OH MY GOD! You and -” She dropped to a whisper once more. “ _Castiel Angeles_?! Are you _kidding_ me?”

“You know Cas?” Ellen asked, clearly surprised at her daughter’s reaction.

“Mom! Mom. He is like, one of the top five most popular guys in school. Like, every single girl wants to date him, even if she’s already dating someone else. Have you seen him, mom? He’s gorgeous. I mean, he’s _hot_ , ok? He is so...like, uh…” Seeming to realize that Dean’s eyes were getting greener, she stopped herself.

“The only time I saw him, he’d just been hit by a car and had tubes sticking out of his face, so it was a little hard to tell.”

Dean's face was pinched. "Look, Jo, nobody knows, all right? I know there are some same sex couples at Southpoint, but they don't have John Winchester as a father - or the Angeles Neanderthals for brothers. You can't tell _anyone_ , ok?" She nodded solemnly and he took another draw off his soda. After a minute, his eyes crinkled and he smirked a little. "He _is_ pretty sexy, though, huh?"

"Braggart! No fair! Is he a good kisser? No, don't tell me, I don't wanna know when I'll never get to see for myself. I hate you, Dean Winchester. The only two guys at school with smoldering hot good looks and you have to be into _each other_." Jo made a pouty face that had both Dean and Ellen laughing at her.

Sam and Gabe returned then, fingers entwined. They all talked about other random things for a while. When conversation lagged, Dean asked the question that had niggled at him half the day.

"So, Gabe, you're an Angeles? Are you like a cousin or something?"

Gabe's face was guarded and Dean regretted asking the question. "I'm a Trixton. My mom's an Angeles, but not for much longer. How'd you even know?"

"Oh, your mom mentioned the, uh, the name thing," Dean said, shrugging off the topic. "How did you and Sam start being friends, anyway?"

This was a topic Gabe was happy to discuss. He talked about a shared science project and how they'd hit it off over Star Wars on the second week of school. Both he and Sam were blushing and smiling by the time he was done. Dean felt a warm glow inside him, watching the two of them. Young love was a beautiful thing. Then Ellen asked them to go inside and zap the appetizers in the microwave for a minute and bring them out.

"Still about 45 minutes on that roast, I think," she said, grabbing herself another beer. "Shit, I better get some of that beer your dad likes in the cooler. Dean, you mind grabbing it out of the cellar?"

Dean headed inside, the sound of Sam and Gabe's easy laughing banter following him halfway down the cellar stairs. He saw the beer against the last step and grabbed the whole six pack. As he was climbing back up, he thought he heard a shout from outside. 

He rushed through the kitchen, out the back door, and stopped dead. In front of him, Sam held a platter of food in one hand. With the other, he clasped Gabe's hand. To his right, John Winchester stood, his clearly drunk face a grotesque mask of fury. Between them, Ellen, equal parts scared and angry. Jo sat frozen behind her.

John's bloodshot eyes turned on Dean. "This how you take care of your little brother while I'm out trying to put food on the table? Huh? You raise him to be some candy-ass pansy-boy like his brother?"

Dean felt the bottled up anger flare into his throat, his face hot. His laugh was a hard, cold sound without any humor in it. “‘Trying to put food on the table’? When was the last time you paid a bill, Dad? My job at Bobby’s has been the only thing putting food on the table and a roof over our heads since we got here 6 months ago!”

“Don’t you talk to me that way! I’m your father! And don’t try to change the subject! You’re supposed to watch out for your brother when I’m gone - “

“You’re always gone, Dad!” Sam yelled, eyes wide and wet, voice trembling.

Dean saw the change come over his father’s face, knew what would happen next, knew he had to protect Sammy. He stepped between his father and his brother, just as John made to knock the platter of appetizers from Sam's hand. Instead, in John's drunken state, his hand missed the dish and kept going, catching Dean full in the face, first hitting his eye and then falling down with enough force to split his lip.

That was enough to shift Ellen fully over to angry. She put both hands on John Winchester's chest and shoved as hard as she could, till he fell back and landed on his ass.

"John Winchester, what the hell is wrong with you?! How dare you show up at my house drunk?” He made a threatening move toward her, but she firmed up her stance and said ”You get the hell off my property and don't you come back again unless you are stone cold sober, you hear me?"

“Now look here, Ellen,” John started to argue, but when Ellen suggested she could have Jo call the police and escort him away, he stumbled to his feet. He glared at the boys for a long moment and then loped out of the yard, barely keeping upright.

When he had gone and didn’t return after a couple of quiet minutes, Ellen finally broke the silence. "You boys are staying here tonight." Ellen's tone brooked no argument, not that any of them wanted to argue anyway. None of them wanted to see John again that night. She reached out and squeezed each of their shoulders in turn. She led everyone over to the seating area and had them sit. The mood was somber. Though none of the 3 boys was actually crying, all their eyes were red.

No one spoke for several minutes. Jo got drinks for everyone and handed them out, but their “Thanks” were only whispers. Dean stood up and warmed himself in front of the fire pit, unsure of what to do. He wanted to do something for Sam, but he didn’t know what he _could_ do.

His face hurt and he wanted to go be with Cas more than ever. He hadn’t even noticed her leaving again, but suddenly Jo was next to him, pressing a cold compress to his eye and dabbing at his lip and chin with a damp cloth. He flinched, but allowed her to continue her ministrations without complaint. When she was finished, he sat down again, trying to smile at his brother reassuringly as he walked past.

"Boys, I'm real sorry that happened," Ellen finally said. When all eyes were on her, she put on a determined smile. "But let's not let it spoil our evening. Dinner will be ready soon. Let's try and have a nice night, ok? Dean, why don’t you help me in the kitchen? Jo, can you get the table ready?”

Dean followed behind her in mild dread, knowing it wasn’t his cooking skills she was interested in, but unsure what the exact topic of the inquisition would be. Maybe she thought he had failed Sam by not contradicting his father’s words. Maybe he had done something else wrong. He had wanted so badly for this night to go well, but it had all gone so wrong.

“Dean, what you said to your dad, is that true? You’ve been covering all the bills?”

Dean nodded, unsure of where the conversation was heading from here. “Dad gave me a little money once or twice, but yeah, pretty much.”

“I’m sure he pays you well, but your job at Bobby’s doesn’t pay enough to support a whole family, does it, Dean?”

Dean sighed. “I have some savings, from the other jobs I’ve worked. I’ve had to dip into it some, but the rent’s cheap and the cable and utilities are included, so it hasn’t been that bad. We got a deal coz Dad knows the guy.”

“Are you hustling pool again, Dean?” Her eyes were slits when she asked, staring at him searchingly. “You know that’s dangerous!”

“No! Ellen, I swear, I haven’t done that since we’ve been here.” He held up his hands. “I’ve been good, I swear. I take all the extra shifts I can get, and I don’t spend anything I don’t have to. We’re doing okay.”

Ellen looked like she wanted to say more, but instead she turned to the oven and started pulling the roast pan out. Dean offered to help, but she waved him back. She hefted the large pan onto the counter. She grabbed utensils and started expertly carving up the roast into slices and transferring them to a serving tray. The interlude with his father had left Dean feeling queasy, but the smell of the roast was beginning to make his mouth water.

“That smells awesome,” he told her sincerely. “What can I do?”

“Why don’t you grab the potato salad out of the fridge and that dish of vegetables on the counter and put them outside on the table? I’ll be out in a minute with the roast and some utensils.”

Whatever she wanted to say, she’d evidently decided to push it aside for now and Dean was happy to let her. He grabbed the food and headed out to the table. Jo and the boys were laughing and Dean felt something uncoil inside him. He hadn’t realized how tense and worried he’d been about his younger brother until that moment.

“What are you delinquents laughing about?” he said with his trademark smirk as he set down the food.

“Your dumb hair,” Jo sassed back.

Dean struck a pose with his head tilted back and stroked his hand back lovingly over the messy gel-spiked hair that was caught somewhere between light brown and dark blond. “Jealousy is an ugly emotion, Joanna. My hair is a thing of beauty and you know it.”

Sam shook his long locks back as though he were in a shampoo commercial and said, “Yeah? Well, it’s nothing on my luxurious mane!” They all laughed at that and Dean caught the affectionate twinkle that lit Gabe’s eyes.

“I dunno,” said Dean, walking around the table and winding one of the curls at the base of Gabe’s neck around his finger. “Looks like your boyfriend here might give you a run for your money.” He winked at Gabe and raised a challenging eyebrow at Sam.

“Yeah,” Gabe said, flicking the same curl backward with his hand and tossing his head. “Better watch out, Sam.”

Jo rolled her eyes and groaned. “Oh, man, now there are _three_ of them!”

Ellen walked outside with the meat tray then, and Dean stood up to take the tray from her. They made short work of filling their plates. Conversation ranged from what subjects Sam and Gabe liked in school to what new upgrades Dean had given the Impala since the last time he’d taken Ellen for a ride in it. When they finished up, everyone pitched in to carry all the dishes and leftovers back inside. It was the first time Dean had a moment alone with Sam since their father had shown up.

“Hey, Sammy, you, uh, you doin’ ok? I’m sorry about what happened.”

“I’m ok, Dean. Why are you sorry? It’s not your fault.” Sam gave Dean a sideways glance. “What did Dad mean when he said...well, that I was like you,” he finished, unwilling to repeat his father’s hateful words. “Does he know? About you, I mean?”

Dean had dreaded this question. He had hoped everyone would just assume John was insulting his masculinity and not actually addressing his sexuality. He should have known Sam was too smart not to pick up on the real reason. He stopped walking and waited for Sam to do the same.

“Yeah...well, I mean, kind of.” He struggled to find the least embarrassing way to tell his little brother that their dad had once caught Dean spanking it to an International Male catalog when the bathroom lock in their shitty apartment had failed. In the end, he thought a small lie would save them both the humiliation, but he still blushed a deep red when he said, “He found one of my, you know, _magazines_. It had, uh, guys in it.”

“Holy shit, Dean! What happened? What did he say?”

“He didn’t say anything then. He just looked disgusted and walked out. Later, when he got drunk, though...He, uh...well, let’s just say he did his best to discourage my interest in people of the same sex.”

Sam’s voice was small and very young when he asked, “Dean, did he hit you?”

The air Dean huffed through his nose and mouth was halfway between a laugh and a sob. “Yeah, Sammy. He did.” He looked his brother straight in the eye. “But don’t worry, man, ok? No way am I gonna let him do that to you, all right?”

Sam nodded, but his voice remained soft and scared. “Dean, is he gonna make us leave here now?”

“I don’t know, Sam. I hope not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ok? You made it through. I'm proud of you. This is heading somewhere good, I promise. Good stuff coming, pinky swear ~~Just maybe not next chapter.~~


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean deal with the effects of an emotional day and Cas has an emotional night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger warnings: Alcoholism, mild violence/abuse and discussion of past abuse, physical evidence of abuse**
> 
> Fanart by [MademoiselleBelaTalbot](http://mademoisellebelatalbot.tumblr.com)
> 
> Mild smut toward the end of the chapter.
> 
> I'm just gonna go ahead and say I'll update every day or two.
> 
> I _think_ this one hurts less than the last one. Don't quote me.

This was the best Saturday Sam could remember in a long time. He wasn’t stuck at home alone while Dean was at work and he wasn’t stuck at home doing whatever chores Dad had randomly decided needed doing - whenever John had just as randomly decided to show up for the weekend. Dean’s breakfast tacos were his favorite and having Gabe along made everything better - even if he did put syrup on his eggs.

Hanging out in the breakroom at Bobby’s was normally lame, but since Gabe was there it was actually kinda fun. Once it was late enough for the other shops to open, they didn’t waste any time getting outside, though. They couldn’t hold hands or anything, but they bumped into each other’s shoulders a lot and that was almost as good, somehow. Sam thought maybe it was because the shoulder bumps were just theirs and no one else’s. Whatever the reason, he liked it and it made him not mind not holding hands.

Gabe was willing to go anywhere Sam wanted to go - just as long as Sam also let Gabe visit everywhere that sold anything remotely sweet and edible. For a skinny little kid, he sure could pack away the sweets. He actually kind of reminded Sam of this article he’d read once about a girl who had, like, a super metabolism or something. It said she had to eat all the time just to stay alive. There was a picture of her sitting behind a platter full of donuts and that’s what Sam thought about whenever Gabe was shoveling sweets into his face.

He told Gabe about the article and teased him that he had a weird metabolism. But Gabe had made him blush by replying, “I’m just trying to be as sweet as you, Sam-o.” If he had been smirking when he said it, Sam could have just laughed it off, but his smile had been soft and almost sad. Sam smiled and blushed and ducked his head.

Then he bumped Gabe’s elbow and said, “Come on, there’s a candy shop this way.” Once inside the candy shop - which was empty - Gabe found a way to sneak a kiss behind a giant lollipop. Sam blushed down to his toes and couldn’t stop smiling for the next half hour.  

Lunch time came quickly and Sam was thrilled that Gabe got to stay a little longer. He was pretty worried about what the story was with Gabe’s stepdad, but he didn’t want to pry. Then they heard Gabe was staying a whole other night and Sam was over the moon. When Dean told him they could be “out” at Ellen’s, he decided holding hands in front of people he cared about might be even better than bumping shoulders in front of strangers.

He had walked Gabe around Ellen’s and shown him what there was to see. Then they stopped for a while to enjoy the big bench swing Ellen had set up on the far side of the yard. It was enclosed on three sides by high rose bushes. He told Gabe about Ellen, and how they had sort of lived with her and Jo off and on for a while when they were younger.

Sam liked how comfortable Jo, Ellen, and especially Dean all were with Gabe. He didn’t know why Gabe got weird about the whole Angeles thing, but he figured it must be something to do with his stepdad. Sam realized he really wanted to know what all that was about. He decided he might ask Gabe the next time they were alone.

Ellen had asked them to heat the appetizers, and Sam was feeling really good while they were doing it. Gabe gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, while they stood in front of the microwave, after Dean went through to the cellar stairs. It made Sam feel light-headed and warm all over. He knew he was wearing a dopey grin on his face, but he couldn’t help it. Being with Gabe just made him feel good, inside and out.

Gabe opened and held the door for him when he carried the tray outside, grabbing his hand after he walked through. They were just a few feet in front of the back steps when Sam’s heart dropped into his shoes. His father was early. His father had seen him holding hands with a boy, and then yelled “What the fuck is this?”

Sam felt sick. Dean had told him how Dad would react, hadn’t he? He should have been more careful, but he hadn’t expected John to show up so soon. He hated the tears he felt pricking his eyes, hated how his lip trembled.

When Dean came outside, Sam’s heart had evidently bounced back because now it was lodged somewhere inside his throat. It took him some time to realize that neither he nor Gabe had let go of the other’s hand when John showed up. Instead, they clung even tighter to one another, for strength and comfort. Recognizing that made Sam feel stronger somehow. He found his voice, stood up to his usually absent father.

But then Dad stepped forward and Dean stepped forward and Sam felt small and young and scared again. Dean was hurt and Ellen was yelling and Dad was stumbling away. Sam stood there, frozen, for a moment. Even after they moved to chairs and Jo gave them drinks, he felt paralyzed. Gabe dropping his hand once they were walking didn’t help. He watched without really seeing, as Jo looked after Dean’s face

It wasn’t until Gabe squeezed his hand again and whispered, “Hey, Sam, you ok?” that the spell was broken. He shook himself and managed a weak smile and a nod at Gabe. The shorter boy ran his thumb over the backs of Sam’s knuckles and the younger Winchester found it more soothing than he could explain. When Ellen took Dean inside, and left Jo and the younger boys to set up the table, Sam pulled Gabe into a quick hug. He was still upset, but the hug helped tremendously.

By the time Dean came back out, they were joking around and having fun again. Dean looked more himself when he came back and that went a long way toward making Sam feel better. His eye was starting to look pretty bad, though. They had a nice dinner. Sam was glad they didn’t have to worry about going back to their house that night. He didn’t think he could have handled it. Knowing they wouldn’t was one of the most relaxing things about the evening.

When clean up time came along, Sam was finally able to ask Dean the question that had been plaguing him all night. It was important to Sam to stay in Southpoint, and not just because he had a boyfriend there. He’d wanted to stay in one place even before he met Gabe. He was tired of being shuffled around every few months. He wanted to stay in one spot. Put down roots. Know where he was gonna be, not just next week, but 6 months from now. He wanted it for himself and he wanted it for Dean. Dean’s answer wasn’t reassuring, but his older brother had promised to do his best. Sam knew he meant it.

It wasn't long before Dean started talking about heading over to the hospital. Ellen pulled him to the side and evidently tried to talk him out of it, but Sam heard him tell her he'd been looking forward to it all day and he wasn't gonna let John ruin it for him. Sam didn’t really want Dean to leave, but he was glad his brother had Cas to go to.

“Hey, Sammy, I’m going to the hospital, as long as that’s cool with you.” Dean wiped the corner of his lip with his thumb. “You and Gabe can come if you want.”

“You wouldn’t mind? I mean, we could hang out in the waiting room…” Sam was surprised and touched that Dean was inviting him again, but he didn’t want to be in the way.

“Nah, I know Cas would like to see you. How about you hang out with us for a while and then later you can give us some space, huh? How about you, Gabe? You wanna meet my friend Cas?”

Jo teased Dean about Cas being more than a friend and they all laughed when he blushed, even Ellen.

“Sure, I’d like to meet him,” Gabe said. “But you probably wanna warn him about your shiner before you get there.”

 

* * *

 

Dean told Ellen they’d be back in a few hours and they all piled in the Impala.  He was happy Gabe had reminded him to warn Cas about the black eye. He’d snuck one of Ellen’s beers when he went inside to the bathroom, so he had stopped feeling the pain of it. He called Cas from the road, while his brother and Gabe whispered secrets in the back seat. He smiled at them in the rearview as he listened to the phone ring.

“Dean? You’re still coming, right?” Dean felt bad for how much the anxiety in Cas’ voice pleased him, but it meant that Cas wanted to see Dean as badly as Dean wanted to see Cas - and that made Dean happy.

“Heya, Cas. Don’t worry, I’m headed over to see you right now. I just wanted to tell you a couple things before I got there.”

“Oh, good.” The relief in Cas’ voice warmed Dean even further. “Everything ok?”

Dean laughed. “I don’t know how to answer that. Um, look, I’ll explain it all when I get there, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I’ve got Sam and his friend with me.”

“Oh, ok. That’s a nice surprise. I like Sam.”

“Yeah,” Dean answered, smiling. “I know you do. I figured you wouldn’t care, I just wanted to let you know. Um, I also need to warn you...that I’ve got a black eye.”

“What? Dean, what happened? Are you all right? Are you sure you feel up to visiting? You don’t have - “

“Cas, relax, ok? I am ok. It doesn’t even hurt right now. Of course I still wanna visit, are you crazy?” Ordinarily, Dean would not have continued speaking, but the genuine worry in Cas’ voice broke a piece off of a barrier inside him. “The best part of my day is seeing you, Cas.”

Cas was quiet for a moment and Dean worried that he’d said too much. Then Cas’ gravelly voice, sounding breathless and a little unsteady, came across the line at last, saying, “The same is true for me, Dean.” Dean’s face split into a grin that he couldn’t shake, not even when he saw Sam and Gabe mocking him with kissy faces from the back seat.

“See ya soon, Cas.”

Dean smiled all the way to the hospital, through the ride in the elevator, and down to the door of Cas’ room. The boys continued to tease him, but since they were holding hands whenever no one could see, or flirting with each other the rest of the time, they didn’t manage to do more than make him blush a little bit. He tried to hide his grin when he walked inside, but instead it just lit brighter when he saw those big blue eyes staring at him.

“Wow, that’s an impressive injury. Were you jealous of all the attention I was getting?”

Dean laughed. “I see you’re finally back to your old cocky self again.” In fact, he was glad to see the confidence come back. He hadn’t realized he’d missed it, but he thought it meant Cas was feeling better and that was a good thing. “Cas, you remember Sam and this is -”

“Gabby? I didn’t realize you knew the Winchesters.” Cas looked pleased to see Gabe, but both of them looked a little worried for reasons Dean didn’t understand.

“Hey, uh, Castiel. Yeah, um, Sam and I are...friends.” He threw an apologetic look at Sam before he said, “Castiel is kind of my step-uncle.”

Sam made a face. “Gabe, it’s ok. Cas isn’t gonna rat us out. Cas, Gabe is my...boyfriend.” Gabe looked stricken, but Sam took his hand and did his best to soothe him.

“Oh.” Cas blinked and then looked at Dean as if he had just figured something out. “Oh! When you said you and Sam…”

“Had similar interests? Yeah. I had just found out about Gabe.” Dean chuckled.

“Gabe, as Sam said, I’m not going to, uh...rat you out?” He looked to Sam for confirmation that he’d said the right thing and the boy nodded. “As long as you don’t tell anyone about Dean and I,” he added with a smile toward Dean. Taking that as a cue, Dean walked over and took Castiel’s good hand in his and smiled toward the room at large.

“So Jo wasn’t...oh. I just thought Jo was kidding. Even in the car, I didn’t...Wow, Cas, that’s…” Gabe scratched the back of his head, a bemused smile on his face.

Cas’ smile was both affectionate and teasing. “Have I finally left the infamous Gabby at a loss for words?” He looked at Sam and said, “When we were younger, everyone - well, I mean, my brothers and sister - called us Gabby and Shushtiel because he talked so much and I hardly talked at all.” He smiled at Gabe again. “I’m glad you’re here. I didn’t expect to see you until Thanksgiving or maybe Christmas.”

“You don’t- you don’t know?” Gabe had that stricken look again.

Cas tilted his head in that endearing way he had and Dean realized Gabe must not have heard about Cas’ amnesia. “Don’t know about…?”

“Gabe, uh, Cas got bonked pretty hard on the head. He doesn’t remember anything about the past, what? 4 months?” Dean asked this last of Cas directly and the brunet nodded, still confused.

Eyes on the floor, Gabe quietly explained. “Mom and, uh, Uri, they’re...they’re splitting up. I’m not gonna be around for the holidays this year, Castiel.”

“Oh, Gabe. I’m sorry. I really am. Your mother has always been very kind to me and, well, I hope you know that you’re important to me as well.”

Feeling like an intruder, Dean suggested to Sam that they go get some drinks and leave the Angeles’ kin to discuss their family business in private. Sam was reluctant to leave, but he didn’t argue when Dean raised his eyebrows. They walked in silence until they were far out of earshot of the door.

“So, what’s the deal with this Uri, do you know? Gabe seemed pretty interested in not being left with him today.”

“Yeah, he mentioned him last night, said he could be a real dick, but that’s pretty much all I know. I wanna ask, but…”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, I get it. You don’t wanna push or pry. Sounds like it’s good they are getting out, though.” They reached the machines and Dean started digging change out of his pockets. “I like Gabe, Sammy, I really do. He’s kind of weird,” he admitted with a chuckle, “But he’s pretty cool...and I can tell he cares about you, which makes him ok in my book.” He clapped Sam on the shoulder and gave him a big smile, then started feeding quarters into the Pepsi machine. “I’m guessing he’s a Mountain Dew guy?”

Sam’s laugh was musical. “Man, how’d you guess? Coz it has, like, the most sugar of any of them? Yeah, he’s a little weird, but I like it.”

Before Dean could say anything else, he heard a familiar voice behind him. He pressed the button for Mountain Dew and handed Sammy more quarters. “Get what you want,” he told him as he turned toward the voice. “Hey, Missouri, how’s it going?”

“Well, hello, Dean! It’s good to see you. And who is this handsome young man?”

“This is my little brother, Sammy. Sammy, this is one of Cas’ nurses. She’s the one who helped us out with the sleepover last night.”

“Oh, hush, I didn’t do nothin’. Sam, it is very nice to meet you,” she told the younger boy, hand outstretched. He gave her a shy smile as he shook it, her dark fingers nearly disappearing under his long pale ones.

“Nice to meet you, too, ma’am.”

“Sam, do you mind if I talk to your brother for just a minute?”

He shook his head and went back to getting drinks. Dean gave her a questioning look, but she simply pursed her lips and drew him off to the side.

“Boy, how did you get that busted up face?” She asked him in a harsh whisper. Dean winced, having forgotten all about it. “Was it someone at school? Are you in trouble?”

“No, it was...it was an accident. He wasn’t swinging at me. He was...he’d had too much to drink and I stepped too close, got in the way of his hand.”

“Who was he swinging at, if not you?”

“No, he wasn’t...it wasn’t like that.”

“Dean, if you’re…” Missouri trailed off, appearing to having an internal debate about whether to say what she wanted to say. “You just take care of yourself, all right? I got a feeling that boy in there needs you, but more than that...I like you, boy. I don’t like a lot of people, especially not punkass little teenage boys,” she qualified, but her smile was warm when she said it. “So you take care, ok? You promise me, Dean.”

“I promise,” Dean said, feeling warm inside. He wasn’t used to people caring so much - or at least not showing it so openly. He liked it, but he didn’t know how to deal with it, really. He turned back to Sam when the nurse walked away and raised his eyebrows. “You ready to head back in?”

When they got back, Gabe and Cas both seemed a lot more relaxed. Gabe was actually making Cas laugh a little bit, even though he was rolling his eyes, too. Dean enjoyed the sound. What didn’t he enjoy about Cas, though? He couldn’t help smiling as he watched them.

“Hey!” Cas said with a grin when he saw them. “I’m glad you’re back. You need to hear this story Gabe just told me. It’s quite funny.”

The four of them joked around and laughed for the better part of the next hour or so. Dean felt like he was getting to see more of the confident side of Cas, the part of Cas that could hold his own at parties with the popular people. He had liked Cas this way when he first met him, but that day on the bleachers he had first caught a glimpse of the more vulnerable side. He thought maybe he preferred the softer one just a little more, but he liked them both.

When Missouri came in to tell them it was 15 minutes till end of visiting hours, Dean asked the younger boys to say their goodbyes and head to the waiting room. He’d enjoyed the together time with all of them, but he had craved the feel of Cas’ lips all day. As soon as they walked out, the shyer version of Cas was back. Dean kind of thought that was why he preferred it - it seemed to be a side of Cas that came out just for him. Cas was having trouble meeting Dean’s gaze, perhaps because he sensed Dean’s intent.

“Heya, Cas,” he said in a husky voice as he stepped toward the bed and pulled the privacy curtain around. “I missed you.”

Cas shy smile widened at that. “Yeah? I missed you, too.”

Dean leaned forward slowly, watching in fascination as he saw Cas’ breath quicken and the pulse in his neck seemed to jump. The brunet’s lips parted, as though he were having trouble getting enough air. Dean’s smile was slow and sultry, eyes half-shuttered so that he was looking at Cas through his thick lashes. He licked his lips and saw those sapphire eyes dart down to watch. Then Castiel surprised him by wrapping his good hand around the back of Dean’s neck and pulling him forward that last little bit, pressing their softly parted mouths together and kissing him greedily.

It was Cas’ tongue that slid into Dean’s mouth this time, boldly at first and then abruptly tentative, so like Cas himself. Dean swept his tongue across Cas’, tasting Sprite and something else uniquely Cas. Dean’s fingers found their way into Cas’ dark hair and tried to caress and pet Cas the way Cas always did him. If the ferocious way Cas began kissing him was any indication, he enjoyed it as much as Dean did. Cas sucked Dean’s top lip gently. Dean flinched slightly when Cas repeated the action on the split bottom lip, but Cas didn’t seem to notice and Dean didn’t want him to stop. Then Cas left Dean’s mouth and started kissing along Dean’s jaw.

This was new territory for them and Dean liked it a lot, up until Cas bumped into Dean’s black eye with his nose. Then he cried out and jerked away instinctively from the pain. It was obvious Cas felt terrible - which of course made Dean feel like shit, given that he’d hurt Cas so much worse than a little bump against a bruise. He assured Cas he was fine, but the moment was lost and Dean suspected kissing was at an end for the day. At least the passionate, lose yourself kind they’d been indulging in. Cas eyes were clouded as Dean backed up slightly, hand still caressing Castiel’s shoulder.

“Dean, you said you were going to tell me what happened. How’d you get that bruise? And the busted lip?” He brushed his fingers gingerly over the blood red line both as if he had just noticed it and as though he could heal it with his touch. His eyes widened and he touched his own lips, then checked his fingertips to see if he had made Dean bleed.

Dean sighed heavily. “It was my dad. He showed up to Ellen’s, early and drunk, and he caught Sam holding hands with Gabe and...I’m pretty sure he was just trying to knock the food out of Sam’s hand. I don’t think he was gonna hit him, but...anyway, I stepped between them, not sure what he was gonna do besides get in Sam’s face and...Dad missed the tray and got me instead.”

Dean didn’t realize he was shaking until Cas started rubbing his hand up and down Dean’s arm as if to warm him. Dean pressed his fingers over Cas’ long slender ones and squeezed. It steadied him and he got his breathing back to normal.

“So your father, is he an alcoholic?”

“I don’t know,” Dean answered truthfully. He had wondered himself for a long time, but the truth was, he didn’t think John was addicted to alcohol, not physically. John drank too much whenever he got depressed, but it was a choice he made, to drown the pain, not a physical need he had to fill with alcohol. Dean knew the results were similar, but he thought there was a difference. “He drinks too much sometimes, though. And he’s always an asshole when he does.”

“Does he…you said you think it was an accident, but...does he ever hit you on purpose?”

Dean’s cheeks burned in shame. He briefly considered lying to Cas, but that’s not the kind of relationship he wanted them to have. He nodded weakly, without looking up. He stood there, eyes on his shoes for a few moments, until Castiel tugged at his hand and made him look up.

Cas gestured for Dean to lean in for a hug and Dean held him tight for at least a full minute before straightening. He blinked rapidly as he pulled away, refusing to allow the tears. He wasn’t wasting his last few minutes of his time with Cas blubbering like a baby. “Thanks, Cas,” he whispered gruffly.

“Of course, Dean.” Then that shy smile emerged again. “Do you think I could get another kiss before you go?” Dean thought Cas must have sensed he needed to stop talking, or maybe he wanted to let him know things were ok between them. Whatever the reason, Dean was grateful.

This kiss wasn’t like the previous ones. It wasn’t passionate, but it wasn’t tentative, either. Cas’ kiss this time was firm, strong. It was a kiss that seemed to say, “we’ll get through this together.” That might have been wishful thinking on Dean’s part, but it made him feel stronger, so he didn’t care.

Then he brushed his thumb against Cas’ neck and it was as though he had flipped Cas’ “on” switch. Cas’ tongue slid across his lips and pressed forward to find Dean’s. He used his good hand to pet and stroke at Dean and Dean did the same back to Cas. Dean made a sound when Cas pulled away, but he only stopped the kiss in order to nip along Dean’s jawline and down his throat. He pressed wet kisses against Dean’s neck, occasionally sucking gently or using his teeth to graze the skin.

He moved up to Dean’s ear next, and the sound and feel of his hot, ragged breath nearly drove Dean out of his mind with want. His cock tried to jerk within the tight confines of his jeans, but had nowhere to go. It was painful and pleasurable all at once, and Dean felt simultaneously like he couldn’t take any more and could never get enough. He moaned a little and shivered as Cas worked his way back across to capture his mouth again.

This kiss was less intense. Castiel seemed to be slowing, gentling his lips and tongue. With most of the blood from his brain currently occupied elsewhere, it took Dean a moment to realize why. Then it hit him that this was a goodbye kiss. It was time for Dean to leave. On the heels of that revelation was another. Dean didn’t want to go. Not back to Ellen’s, not back “home” to his own house. He wanted to stay here, with Cas, and never leave. He knew he couldn’t do that, but he deepened the kiss again, anyway, not yet allowing Cas to end it.

At last, breathless, he pulled back and moved forward to rest his cheek against Castiel’s. He pressed his lips to Cas’ cheek and then his temple and then he pulled back to look into those deep blue eyes. They were still slightly unfocused, pupils dilated and dark.

“Gonna miss you again, Cas.”

He didn’t smile when he said it. He let his feelings show on his face. He didn’t make a joke or hide behind macho posturing. Instead he left himself vulnerable and he felt it keenly. He felt naked in a way he didn’t like, but somehow he felt like he was safe with Cas. Like he could just be Dean without all the pretense. He really, really hoped that was true.

“I’ll miss you, too, Dean.” The emotions on Cas’ face were hard for Dean to read, but they were _there_ and, for now, that was enough.

 

* * *

 

Cas lay awake for a long time after he shut off the light. All he could think about was Dean. He should have other things on his mind. His brothers, his condition, the physical therapy he still had to deal with when his casts came off...but none of it mattered. He’d just found out his brother was getting a divorce, that his step-nephew was gay - not to mention he was the boyfriend of Castiel’s...what? What was Dean?

He wasn’t his boyfriend, not really. Hell, Cas didn’t even remember how they’d met. They hadn’t gone on an actual date, though he supposed their time together could be considered unconventional dates. Were they dating? He didn’t know what they were, but he liked it.

He cared about Gabe and he was glad he had a good guy like Sam, but...he had never had anything in his life as good as Dean and he wanted to bask in it for a while. Was that really so wrong? For him to be a little selfish for once?

He thought about how sick he had felt, seeing Dean’s poor busted face. He realized he must have looked much worse right after his own accident. How had Dean felt, seeing Cas that way? Had it caused Dean’s stomach to twist up the way it did Castiel’s? Did he want to attack the person who had done it, the way Cas found himself wanting to punch John Winchester?

He couldn’t dwell on that, though. It made his stomach churn with acid. It made him think angry, violent thoughts. Cas wasn’t typically a violent person, though he was certainly no stranger to being angry. He hated to think of Dean or Sam in that situation, but there was nothing he could do about it. At least, not right now. He thought it was better to let it go for the moment.

His mind was immediately drawn back to that mouth. He didn’t really like his own mouth much. He thought his upper lip was too thick and both his lips always seemed to be chapped. Dean’s mouth, on the other hand, was the perfect size, shape and color. His lips were soft and strong and smooth and Cas couldn’t get enough of the feel of them.

He had never felt the way Dean made him feel before, not toward anyone. Whenever Dean was close he felt a buzzing under his skin that he couldn’t ignore. He couldn’t get close enough to him once they had touched. It was not enough, yet it was too much. It was perfect just kissing him and yet Cas longed for more.

Cas reached up with his slender fingers and touched his lips lightly, remembering. He thought about how Dean had run his hands through his hair. Dean had said he’d liked when Cas did it and now Castiel knew why. He wished he had the use of both hands because only touching Dean with one was not enough. Remembering the look in Dean’s eyes whenever he pulled back, the taste of his skin, Cas found himself growing hard beneath his hospital gown.

He wasn’t used to this at all. He masturbated occasionally, of course, but he had thought sometimes there was something wrong with him, maybe. He had never seemed to have the all-consuming sex drive that most guys his age had, for all that he considered himself pan-sexual. He’d had problems arise because of it, problems he preferred not to think about.

Then he had met Dean and he had seen that sex drive increase a hundredfold, but still, it hadn’t been like... _this._ This all-consuming _need_ in his belly, this irresistible raw desire that built and built and didn’t just fade quickly away. No, this was new. This was a development since Dean had kissed him. He wondered if he had felt this before his accident, after he and Dean had kissed the first time. He supposed he probably had.

Previously, there was no way he’d have even considered touching himself in a hospital room, when a nurse might walk around the privacy screen and catch him. Sex was nice, but it wasn’t _that_ nice. Now, though, thinking about Dean, about his mouth and hands and face and smell, Castiel couldn’t seem to help himself. His good hand slipped down to grasp his erection and squeeze, tugging gently until his fingers slid from base to head. He thought of Dean’s mouth as he did so and let out a little gasp, biting his bottom lip.

Realizing that if he continued, he didn’t want to have to explain the mess - or sleep in it - Cas looked around for tissues. He found a box on the bedside table, but they were slightly beyond where he could reach comfortably. He struggled for a moment trying to reach them, but it was awkward and actually hurt a little bit. By the time his fingers brushed over the box, he was sweating and hurting all over, and he had lost his erection.

Disappointed and depressed, he called the nurse to get some pain meds. He figured at least he’d be able to sleep. He had expected her to be off duty, but Missouri was the one whose voice came over the speaker and he was glad.

“Hey, honey, what do you need?” Cas found her voice soothing and he found himself smiling slightly.

“Something for the pain?” he asked.

“Sure, honey, I’ll bring it right down.”

Cas leaned back against the pillows, willing the pain to crawl back into its hole and leave him alone. Thinking about Dean had been much more enjoyable. Of course, that’s what had gotten him into his current painful situation, but he didn’t care. If only those damn tissues had been closer. Or if he hadn’t reached for them, he supposed. Castiel ran an angry hand back through his hair in frustration. He was just so tired of never getting what he wanted.

He tried so hard to do what was right, what was best. He knew he was a much better person than any of his brothers could ever hope to be. And yet somehow, he had to sit back and watch them get everything they wanted handed to them on a silver plate, while he himself never seemed to get the things he desired. He had Dean for now, but experience told him it wouldn’t last. Hadn’t Dean already been taken from him once, just in the short span of their relationship?

Ordinarily, he did his best not to be bitter about it. It didn’t help anything and it didn’t make him any more deserving of the things he wanted. Sometimes, though, at night like this, when he was loneliest and at his most vulnerable, when something else had failed to work out the way he hoped...then the bitterness seeped in, unbidden. If he let it go unchecked, he knew it would envelop him, drag him down into a pit of depression that might last for weeks. He couldn’t let that happen. That would make him lose Dean all the sooner and he wasn’t willing to let that happen.

Thankfully, Missouri chose that moment to walk in and her genuine smile made the ache in his chest ease. He felt the bitterness slide off his back and he smiled back at her.

“Your leg giving you trouble, sugar?” she asked as she walked over and took his pulse. “I can give you some Tylenol or I can give you the good stuff, whatever you think you need. Is it bad?”

“I think Tylenol will be fine.”

“You sure, honey?”

“Yeah, I just was trying to move around and everything started aching.”

“Do you need me to help you get in a better position, sweetheart? Here, let’s see what we can do.” She helped him shift around and he tried not to remember when Dean had done this and how it had ended. “There now, is that better, Castiel?”

“Yes, much, thank you.” He hesitated, then asked her to move the tissues closer to him. “I keep sneezing,” he lied, hoping she couldn’t see the blush coloring his cheeks in the dim light.

She moved the box next to him and made sure he had everything before bidding him goodnight with another radiant smile. He returned it and gave her a wave as she walked out. Less than five minutes later, he was picturing green eyes blown wide with desire and a perfect pair of lips stretched around his cock.

He captured the spill from his explosive orgasm in a handful of hospital tissues, wishing he could capture the feelings as easily. As he dropped the soiled tissues in the trash by his bed, and the post-orgasmic hormones made his body feel languid and boneless, he pictured Dean climbing up from between Cas’ legs in order to fold him into his arms. With that beautiful thought on his mind, he slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it hot in here? It feels like it's hot in here. Thanks for reading! ♥ Hang on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride...


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean deal with the fall-out of John's actions. Dean makes a huge decision. Cas makes a call. Sam makes Dean proud. Ellen makes an offer. Gabe makes a confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have an entire chapter of feels.
> 
>  
> 
> **  
> _TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mild violence, alcoholism, talk of past abuse, discussion of past self-harm, graphic dream involving homophobia-inspired violence, including choking_  
>  **

Dean woke up early, well before the rest of the house, even though he’d tossed and turned half the night. The trouble falling asleep was partly because of the strange bed, and partly because thoughts of Cas and his perfect lips wouldn’t let him be. Now that it was early morning, he lay in bed for several minutes, shaking and miserable from the nightmare that had begun as a sweet dream.

It had started off so nice. Cas was in his bed, lying naked next to him. They were kissing each other slowly, in a languid post-coital haze. Castiel’s casts were gone and he had been wrapped around Dean, petting and stroking him everywhere. His blue eyes had been bright, even in the dim room and Dean had been mesmerized by staring into them as they kissed.

Then John had busted down the door. The Angeles brothers had crashed in through the window. The brothers each grabbed one of Castiel’s limbs and dragged him away. Dean tried to stop them, but John grabbed him by the throat, hurling homophobic words into his face. Over John’s voice he could hear the sound of Cas screaming, but he couldn’t move to see what was happening. His line of sight was filled with his father’s fury-filled eyes, shot through with red the way they always were when he’d had too much to drink. He had felt himself starting to blackout and he had jerked awake, gasping for air.

After he had lain there, going over and over it in his mind for another half an hour, he realized going back to sleep would be impossible. He felt sick the whole morning. Every time he tried to think about something else, get his mind off it for a while, his brain would conjure up Cas’ scream again, or John’s hands around his throat. Now he sat in Ellen’s kitchen, drinking coffee and reading a paperback he’d grabbed from one of her many shelves of books. No one else was awake, but he had biscuit dough and whipped eggs ready for when they were.

He couldn’t focus on the book, though. He finally gave up and walked over to the window to watch the rain fall down. The sky was lighter now, but the day was gray and much colder than it had been the day before. Kansas in November was not the best time of year, but he had always liked it. He liked cold weather. He really wasn’t sure he could say why, exactly. It wasn’t like he’d ever had cozy evenings with hot chocolate in front of a fire or anyone to cuddle up with to fight the autumn chill.

He wondered if he might get to have those things with Cas. Then he remembered that he was the reason Cas was in the hospital and decided he was better off not wishing for things like that. He was going to enjoy whatever time he got to have with Cas, as much as he could enjoy it. When it ended, he would do his best to be grateful he’d gotten any time at all. He probably didn’t deserve any of it, but he wasn’t going to deny himself.

Sammy was the first downstairs, shaggy hair falling into his half-open eyes. He looked so much younger than his twelve years, despite his ever-increasing height, and Dean couldn’t help but smile. He knew the kid would want his tea, so he’d made him a cup and had it waiting in the microwave. He zapped it for a few seconds to warm it back up and set it down in front of his half conscious brother.

“Hey, kid, you hungry?” He got a lazy nod in response and a mumble that might have been a thank you as he the kid hoisted his mug of tea to his lips. Dean guessed his brother hadn’t slept much better than he had.

Dean set the oven to heat and put two pans on the stove. In one he set oil to heating, and in the other he began cooking bits of sausage, both pans on low heat. When the oven timer indicated the preheat was done, he slid the biscuits in and set another timer. As the dough baked and browned, he made sausage gravy and scrambled eggs with bits of onion and spinach in them.

Before long, the smell of the hot food woke the rest of the house and one by one they made their way downstairs. Dean couldn’t help but smile when Gabe wanted syrup on his eggs and jam on his biscuits - under the gravy. He had gotten the syrup out already, but he hadn’t expected the jam. Ellen and Jo gave him confused looks, but he just shrugged one shoulder and smiled at them.

After breakfast, he was met with a loud chorus of disapproval when he stated his intention to head over to the house and talk to John if he was there. Dean’s mind was made up, though. It didn’t take them long to see he couldn’t be talked out of it. His dream had left him with a sour stomach, but he had also resolved not to let John ruin what Sam and Gabe had. It might be just a puppy love that wouldn’t last long, anyway, but Sam deserved to see it run its course naturally.

And he wasn’t going to stand by and let John hit Sam the way he had hit Dean. Their father wasn’t violent often, but Dean was tired of being afraid. He had always managed to keep Sam safe in the past, taking the blows himself, provoking John deliberately when he had to, but this time he thought Sam could be in real trouble. He thought the only way he might stop John this time was to outright stand up to him. He wasn’t sure he could do that, but he knew he had to at least try.

When he got to the house, he had to park on the street because his father’s car was parked diagonally across the drive. When Dean walked around the car, he saw that his father had smashed the driver’s side headlight on something before he’d arrived and Dean shuddered to think what other damage he might have done.

When he got inside, the house was quiet. He called out for his father, but he didn’t get an answer. His father wasn’t passed out on the couch, so Dean headed upstairs. When he didn’t find his father in his room, he began to worry. He checked his own room and his father wasn’t in there or the bathroom, either. Finally, Dean took a deep breath and opened the door to his brother’s room.

His father was passed out on the floor. Sam’s room was in shambles. His father had ransacked it, looking for God only knew what. Dean felt bile rise in his throat. Sammy - sweet, gentle, brilliant Sammy - deserved so much fucking more than this. The tears welled up in his eyes, but he wasn’t sad. He was angry. He hated his father in that moment, more than at any time in the past, even when John had hit him.

Then he saw it.  Lying only inches from John’s limp hand was the picture of Dean and Mary that Sam kept next to his bed. Mary had framed it and given it to Dean after Sam was born. One night when Sam was little he had asked questions about their mother, saying he wished he had known her. Dean had given him the photo and Sam had kept it by his bed ever since. Now the glass lay shattered on the floor. Dean carefully picked it up and set it on the night stand, shaking the rest of the glass out onto the carpet.

Thankfully, the picture itself had not been harmed and the wooden frame had only suffered a small chip on the bottom corner. Regardless, Dean felt his anger solidify into a cold resolve in his chest. He swung his booted leg back and kicked John’s foot.

“Wake up!” When John only grunted, he kicked him again, this time in the hip. “Get up, Dad! Get the fuck up!” He was yelling, nearly screaming, and he didn’t care.

John raised bleary eyes to his. “Huh? What is it?”

“I _said_ Get. The. Fuck. UP!” Dean reared back and kicked him again, much harder this time. He saw the flash of anger in John’s eyes, but for once Dean was not afraid.

“Dean, you’d better watch your mouth! How dare you talk - “

“Shut up, goddammit! It’s your turn to fucking listen, dad!” John’s eyes widened in surprise. He started to protest again, but when Dean pulled his leg back again, his mouth actually snapped shut. “You’ve gone too fucking far this time, you hear me? Fucking up Sam’s room? Trying to hit him? Smashing a picture of…” Here, Dean couldn’t make himself yell. In a reverent whisper he said, “Of _Mom_? How dare _YOU_ , dad! You come to Ellen’s drunk? Embarrass us and hit me in the face? What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?! Don’t you give a shit about either one of us? We’re your fucking sons, man! You taught me family comes first, but you’re never here for us! When you do finally come home, this is how you _act_?!”

Dean was pacing now, breath ragged and heaving in his chest. His heart was a jackhammer, but he couldn’t let himself stop or he knew he would crumble. He had to get through this. He had to do this, not just for himself, but for Sammy.

“I want you out, Dad. Until you stop drinking, I want you to go. You aren’t welcome here anymore, not as long as you are a violent, vindictive drunk who’s never gonna be any kind of father. Just go.”

“You look here, Dean, this is my house and you can’t - “

“ _Your_ house?! Are you _kidding_ me? I have paid every cent of rent on this house for 6 months out of my own money. So how the fuck do you figure this is your house, huh?” He took a deep breath. “This is MY house. And I am telling you to pack your shit and get out.” By then end of his speech, he had stopped yelling. He was calm. It frightened him a little bit how calm he was.

He waited for John to protest again, or to get up and take a swing at him. Instead his father just stumbled to his feet and walked toward his bedroom. As Dean watched, he started throwing his clothes and things into a worn duffel bag. It surprised Dean to realize just how few belongings his father had in the house. When he realized it, he found himself wondering why. Why weren’t all his father’s things here? Why wasn’t his father fighting harder to stay?

“Where are you gonna go?”

“What difference does it make to you?” John said, whipping his head around and piercing Dean with a hard stare.

“I wanna know how to reach you if Sammy needs something, or wants to talk to you.” It was true, but it wasn’t the true reason why he wanted to know.

John’s face softened slightly at that. His shoulders slumped and he turned back to his packing. “I’ve got a...friend in Kansas City. A woman I’ve been seeing. I’ve been staying with her more and more lately, anyway.”

“So that’s where you go. I knew it probably wasn’t work.”

John flashed him an angry look but said nothing. He finished gathering his things and then stood there, staring at the floor. Finally, he took out his phone and began typing out a text. Dean was surprised because he’d never known his father to be a big texter.

Dean’s phone buzzed in his pocket. John said, “I texted you her number. If you need me and you can’t get me on my cell, call her. Her name is Kathryn. Kate.” He stood there another moment, still not looking at his son. “Dean, I...tell your brother I’m sorry about his room and...everything.” He finally looked up then. Gesturing at Dean’s face, he said, “I’m sorry about...you know...all of it.”

Dean stood there, stunned, as his father left the house and drove away. When he heard the car start and pull off, he released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. Part of him was sad and scared. He was still technically a kid and his only parent had just walked out of his life, maybe for good. Mainly, though, Dean was just relieved. His father had been a constant source of anxiety for so long. Knowing that, for the foreseeable future at least, John would not be around, took a weight off Dean’s shoulders.

Now that John was gone, the anger left him, too, though. He found that he was cold and lonely. More than anything, he wished he had hugged his father before he’d left. He knew it was stupid to feel that way, he had kicked the man out, after all. But stupid or not, he wanted a loving parent to wrap him in their arms and tell him it would be ok. He cried for a long time, sitting on what had been his father’s bed. He wept for what had been, for what was and for what had never been. He wept for what would never be. Mostly, though, he wept because he was a scared little boy whose daddy had just left him alone again.

He finally calmed down and splashed his face with cold water until most of the puffiness went away. He drove back to Ellen’s in a daze. It wasn’t even lunch time yet. When he pulled onto her street, he decided he wasn’t ready to go inside yet. He still felt raw and he needed something soothing. Without letting himself think too much about what he was doing, he dialed Cas’ number as he parked in Ellen’s driveway.

He answered on the second ring. “Dean? I was just thinking about you.”

Dean’s face curved up into a smile. He liked how Cas didn’t answer his phone like a normal person. “Oh, yeah? Good thoughts, I hope.”

“Well, that depends on whether you think wishing you were here is a good thing or not, I guess.” He thought he could actually hear Cas smiling on the other end of the line.

“I wish I was there, too.” He wanted to keep up the flirting, but he couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him.

“Dean...is everything all right?”

“I, uh...I kicked my dad out today.”

“You...wow. Dean, that’s...are you ok? How is Sam?”

“I haven’t actually told Sammy yet. I...called you first. I’m not...I don’t know how I am, but I just...wanted to hear your voice.” He swallowed dryly, wishing he had thought to bring a soda with him from home. “I know you probably, uh...well, I mean, I know you don’t remember me yet, so you aren’t as...emotionally invested as I am, but…” He groaned, unable to get the words out. He dragged a hand through his hair, pulling it so hard it made his eyes sting.

“I don’t remember you before the past few days, it’s true, but - “ Dean heard the same rustle and mumbling he’d heard during their first conversation together. “Dean? I’m really sorry, but the doctor is here. Can I call you back?”

“Nah, don’t worry about it, Cas, I’ll just see you tonight, ok? You talk to the doc.” Dean kept his tone light, trying not to let his bitter disappointment come through.

“Oh, o-ok. I’ll see you then.”

Dean would not cry again, he would _not_. He wanted to, though. He had made himself vulnerable and he hadn’t been rejected, not really, but he’d been left hanging. He knew Cas needed to talk to the doctor, that hospital doctors were busy people who couldn’t just go away and come back later when patients weren’t talking to their...not-boyfriends. So he wasn’t mad at Cas...but he felt bad, anyway. Because even though he knew he hadn’t been rejected, the effect of being turned away was the same. He was turned away when he needed Cas, even if Cas had no choice.

He made his way around to the kitchen door. He didn’t think he had ever used Ellen’s front door. He’d been coming here since he was small, but he only ever remembered using the back kitchen door to enter. He liked that about Ellen’s house. You didn’t come into a small impersonal hallway. You walked straight into the heart of the house.

Everyone was sitting around the table playing a board game Dean didn’t recognize. Whatever it was, Sam and Ellen were clearly beating Gabe and Jo, and the latter were apparently not good losers. Smack talk was high and Dean laughed as he walked past them all to grab a drink from the fridge.

“Anyone need anything while I’m up?” he asked.

“Dean!” Sam exclaimed. “I didn’t see you come in. What happened?”

“Dude, it is your move. Play first, then talk.” This was from Jo.

Sam made a bitchface and rolled the dice. Whatever he had done must not have helped his team because Jo whooped and Gabe smirked. Sam rolled his eyes and got up, walking over to Dean.

“What happened? Was Dad even there?”

“Yeah, he, uh…” Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, hard. “Sam, I threw him out.” Sam’s eyes got big, but Dean held up a hand so he wouldn’t interrupt. All eyes in the room were on him and he didn’t want to have to repeat anything. “I walked in and he had trashed your room. I don’t know if he was looking for something or if he was just fucking it up - “

“Hey, language, boy.”

“Ellen, no disrespect, but I just literally became the man of my house, so I think I am entitled to say fuck.” He held her gaze steadily until she finally nodded, dropping her eyes. He wasn’t sure if he saw guilt or something else on her face. He suspected it was part pity, but he didn’t dwell on it.

“Anyway, he had smashed the picture...the picture of…” Dean found to his horror that his voice was threatening to break and tears were threatening to fall. He cleared his throat and blinked rapidly, pinching his nose again. “That picture you keep by your bed.”

“The one of you and mom?”

Dean nodded. “And when I saw that, saw all that he did and thought about how he looked like he might hit you last night, how he _did_ hit me last night...I just decided I had had enough. I told him not to come back unless he quit drinking.”

“What...what did he say? Did he...did he try to hit you again?” Sam’s eyes were wet and Dean hated how young he looked right now, hated that he had to go through this. Had he made the wrong choice? Then he thought again of his father charging at Sam the night before and knew he had done the right thing.

“No, he didn’t try to hit me. He was sober, for one thing. Mostly, I think he realized that I wasn’t backing down. I think he saw I wasn’t afraid of him and he knew I was in the right. He packed his stuff and said he was going to stay with his girlfriend.” He checked Sam’s face for a reaction to that revelation, but there was none that he could see. “He said to tell you he was sorry. He told me he was sorry for the black eye and then...then he left.”

“Wow. I can’t believe he didn’t put up a fight.” Sam sat back in his seat heavily. Gabe put a hand on his shoulder and Sam tossed him a wan smile. “He’s gone, huh?” He shook his head. “You know, it’s weird. I was always so mad at him for not being around. I always wanted him to come home, but...it always sucked when he was home, didn’t it?” Dean nodded. “I’m glad you told him to go. Does that make me a bad person?”

“Of course not, Sam. You’re one of the best people I know, kid.” Dean’s smile was proud and fond and Sam’s eyes brightened at his words.

“He scared me last night, Dean. It wasn’t the first time, either.”

“I know, Sam.”

Sam shook himself, as if throwing off the weight of the conversation. “Well, I guess it’s just us, then.” He gave Dean a tentative smile and Dean answered it by ruffling his hair.

“You and me to the end, man.” Sam jumped up and hugged him then, much as he had a couple of days earlier. It caught Dean off guard again and his eyes blurred briefly with unshed tears.

There was silence in the kitchen for a long moment before Ellen finally spoke. “Dean, what are you going to do? You can’t take care of Sam by yourself, you’re just a kid!”

“Ellen, who do you think has been raising Sam the past however many years? Dad’s always gone. I’ve been getting Sam to school for years, making sure he was fed, paying for our house. I turn 18 in less than 3 months.”

“But, what if he needs to go to the doctor? You’re not his legal guardian; there might be problems.”

“Well, I guess it’s good I know a nurse, isn’t it?” There were frown lines between her eyes, but she gave him a worried smile.

“You know, Dean, I started to bring this up last night. I wasn’t sure how you’d feel and I’m still not, but...you two could come stay here with us. I could...I could try to adopt Sam.”

“Ellen, you know that won’t work. You’d have to get Dad to relinquish his parental rights first. He might have walked away today, but he’s not gonna be willing to do that. Look, Ellen, I appreciate your concern, but as long as no one tells social services or anything stupid like that, we’ll be fine. Dad’s certainly not gonna do it. I might need help from you or Bobby getting Sam enrolled in school next year, or if there’s a parent-teacher conference or something, but otherwise, we’ll be ok.”

Ellen sighed heavily. “All right, Dean. You’ve made your point, but...will you consider moving in here, anyway? Not,” she said, holding up a hand to ward off his protest, “because I don’t think you can take care of Sam. I just think that it would be better for a lot of reasons. First of all, if anyone does come poking around, you’re less likely to have a problem if we say John left the two of you under my care while he was out of town. Second, I’m closer to Bobby’s and your school.”

She stood up and walked over to pour herself another cup of coffee. “Then there is the fact that if you live here, you won’t have to pay rent and utilities and everything else. You’d be able to save up. For college or your own house or whatever.”

“Ellen, I couldn’t just stay here for free - “

“It wouldn’t be free. I’d let you help out with groceries, you could cook at least twice a week and you can take care of some of the chores around here. Don’t you dare give me some speech about charity, either, boy. It ain’t charity when it’s family. And we are family, you hear me?”

Dean felt tears prick his eyes. He’d lost count of how many times that made in the past 2 hours alone. “Yes, ma’am, I hear you.” He chewed his lip, thinking over what she had said. Finally, he looked at his younger brother and told her, “It really depends on what Sam wants.” He raised a questioning eyebrow at his sibling. “What do you think, Sammy? Do you wanna stay where we are? Or would you like being here? I know you hate moving around…”

“I...Can we take a few days to think about it, Ellen? This is all...it’s a lot.”

“Of course, Sam. You’re right. It is a lot.” She ruffled his hair. “I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you boys. I never realized until last night that John was...well, like he was last night, I guess.” She stood and waved her hand at the board game. “I think we’re done with this for now, huh? Too bad. Winning was pretty fun.” She winked at Gabe. “Listen, you boys are welcome to stay the night tonight, but if you want to go home while you think it over, I understand. Just let me know, ok? Joanna Beth, you ready to get started on that new bookcase?”

With that, Ellen and Jo headed off to the garage and it was the 3 boys alone in the kitchen. Dean wondered if it was too early to start making lunch. He had been through the whole kitchen this morning, so he knew Ellen had the makings for hamburgers and he thought that was a good place to start. He had seen some potatoes, too.

“Fries or potato wedges, Sam?”

“Huh?” Sam and Gabe had been talking quietly while Dean debated lunch, so he was confused by the question.

“I’m planning lunch. Do you want french fries or potato wedges? I’m thinking I might make a pie, too.”

“Oh, man, you can make pie? Like, from scratch?” This was from Gabe, who was looking at Dean like Dean had just told the kid he could score him front row seats to see his favorite band.

“Yeah, man, like, from scratch,” Dean said with a laugh. “You like pie, huh? Good man. Not that I am surprised, since you seem to think sugar is a food group.” He winked to let Gabe know it was all in fun.

“Pie is like...man. I love pie. Cake is good, but pie is the best.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Oh, good grief, not you, too, Gabe! Dean lives for freaking pie, man. You 2 are like, best friends now. He will never let you leave us.”

Dean threw a dish towel at Sam’s head. “Shut up. But Gabe, he’s right, you are welcome to stay with us as long as you like,” he said with a grin. “Now, you want apple pie? Or pecan?”

They worked out the menu between them and then Sam and Gabe went off and left Dean to it. Dean had apples soaking in spices and sugar, the ground beef marinating, and the vegetables sliced and ready. He had just finished rolling out his special secret olive oil crust when his phone started buzzing. He was surprised to see Cas’ number. He wiped his hands down on a dish towel and grabbed it on the 4th ring.

“Hey, Cas.”

“Hello, Dean. I’m sorry about before. I know you said not to call back, but I didn't like where we left it.”

Dean couldn’t deny that he was pleased Cas had chosen not to listen to him. “Ok. I’m glad you called back, man. Honestly, I didn't like it, either.”

“Dean, I don’t remember how our relationship started - except what you’ve told me - so for me, you’re right, it has only been a few days.” He paused and Dean wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what was next. He started to interrupt, but instead he just let the silence build, as his own inner monologue told him every negative thing it could think of.

“But…” Dean’s heart leapt into his throat at the potential in that one word and hope sprang up, though he tried to shoot it down. “I’m sorry, Dean, this is very hard for me. I’m not...I’m not good at this.”

“Good at what, Cas?”

“Talking. Especially about...feelings. I’ve been...burned before. I’m not good at trusting people.”

“Well, like you said, you’ve only known me a few days.” Dean was giving him a way out, trying to make him feel better, because that was Dean’s nature. Make everyone else better, even if it was at personal cost to Dean himself. He wanted to say, “You can trust me, Cas,” but he didn’t. It hurt that Cas didn’t, even though it only made sense.

“But that’s just it, Dean. I don’t really know you, but…” Cas’ heavy sigh was loud across the phone line. “Shit, look, Dean, what I mean is that you’re not the only one emotionally invested. I know it makes no sense, since I can’t remember you beyond last Wednesday, but there it is, anyway. Ok?”

Dean laughed, relief flooding through him at Cas’ words. He felt warm and happy. “Yeah, Cas, that’s really, really ok.”

 

* * *

 

Sam tried to play along with everyone else’s apparent good mood, but when Dean left to go home, his stomach was churning with anxiety. There had been so many times when he had wished for his father to just be home already, but he realized now that maybe it was just that he didn’t like having to stay there by himself. As badly as Dad’s infrequent visits often went for them, did Sam _really_ miss him? Or was it just the company he craved?

He certainly didn’t miss the way the man had behaved the night before. If he never saw _that_ man again, he thought he would be just fine with that. But what other versions of his father did he really know? Even when sober, John Winchester was often churlish and temperamental. Alcohol made everything so much worse, of course, but his personality was hardly kittens and warm fuzzies to begin with. Sam loved his father - how could he not? But the constant feeling of being on the verge of failure or conflict was a feeling he knew he’d be better off without.

He knew Dean had protected him most of his life. He had almost never been on the receiving end of John’s occasional violence and when he had, Dean always found a way to stop it before it escalated to actual blows. If Dad threw something at Sam, Dean always stepped in and assumed the role of target. Always. Sam hated it, but he was so grateful for it at the same time. He had only seen Dad hitting Dean on a couple of occasions, but he knew it had happened more. He had seen the evidence plenty of times, either in the form of bruises in visible places or in his brother’s haunted eyes.

Now Dean had gone over there alone. On a hangover day, after a round of violent behavior. The outcome was not likely to be in their favor. Dean had stood up to him and John had been embarrassed in front of his friend. The fact that it was his own stupid fault would never occur to him. And seeing Sam holding hands with Gabe was unlikely to be a thing he would stop being mad about once he sobered up, like a lack of milk or the other idiotic things he normally flew off the handle about.

So Sam played the silly board game and tried to enjoy Gabe’s company, tried to be happy to have this fun, easy time with Ellen and Jo. Inside, though, he was a mess, worried beyond words about his brother. What if Dad was still drunk or had been drinking again since he woke up? What if Dad went too far this time?

Finally, the others’ chipper attitudes started to wear off on him and he became truly interested in the game. He allowed himself to let go and get lost in the moment and it helped the time pass. Once he realized Dean had come in, though, his mind went right back to worry. When Dean said he’d kicked their father out, Sam couldn’t believe it. He wanted to be sad or scared or...something that indicated he cared about his dad. Instead, all he felt was relief and a kind of joy. Part of him wanted to whoop and jump around.

Sam thought he liked the idea of staying with Ellen, if only because he wouldn’t have to spend so much time alone while Dean was working. At the same time, though, he and Dean had always been on their own. There was a fierce independence in both of them that he wasn’t sure he could just give up.

While Dad was incredibly strict and expected perfect behavior with no mistakes, he was gone so often that most of the time his rules were irrelevant. Dean and Sam did as they pleased - though Dean put a lot of boundaries on Sam and tried to set good examples for him, too - when John was not around. Could he really live here, under a whole new set of rules that never changed? He didn’t want Ellen to adopt him, but he wondered if maybe Dean could become his legal guardian once he was 18. He decided he would ask Dean about it later.

He was glad when he and Gabe finally had time alone. They headed out to the big swing again. Sam smiled and felt warm all over when Gabe threaded his fingers through Sam’s. He hadn’t really had much of a chance to talk to Gabe since everything had happened the previous night. Not when they were alone, anyway. There had been a couple of other people sitting in the waiting room the night before, and either Dean and Cas, or Ellen and Jo had been around the rest of the time.

“So, thanks for being cool about...you know, my dad and everything.” Sam knew Gabe had mentioned something with his stepdad, but he still felt embarrassed about what had happened.

“Believe me, Sam-O, I understand.” He smiled, but then looked off into the distance, lips falling. “My stepdad, Uri? He’s...he’s a lot like your dad. I don’t know how often your dad gets like that, but Uri has been getting like that more and more often over the past year or so. That’s why him and mom are splitting up.” Gabe’s eyes flashed to Sam’s and then back down to the ground. He chewed his lip. “You remember right before Halloween?”

“When you were out of school for a week?”

Gabe nodded and took a deep breath. “I didn’t have the flu. I was busted up worse than Dean. That was when mom finally told him it was over.”

“She still lets you stay with him, though?”

“She hasn’t so far, but she would do that rather than leave me by myself.”

“What? Why would she do that? It’s not safe!”

“Yeah, but...she doesn’t trust me to be by myself, either.” Gabe searched Sam’s eyes. “Can I tell you something without you freaking out on me? Something no one knows about except me and my mom?”

“Of course you can, man, what do you think?”

“No, but, Sam, this is really...it’s a big thing.”

“Bigger than my dad and your stepdad being abusive dicks?”

“I dunno. Kind of, maybe. Same level, but...this is something I did, not someone else.” His translucent brown eyes were as somber as Sam had ever seen them.

“Whatever it is, Gabe, it’s ok.”

Gabe dropped his gaze. He took a deep breath, then reached down and pulled up his sleeve. Sam kept his eyes on Gabe’s face, though. He saw the tears well in those light brown eyes and seeing them made him feel cold inside. He suddenly didn’t want to know what Gabe wanted to tell him. Then Gabe forced himself to meet Sam’s eyes before looking back down to his arm. Once he made sure Sam’s eyes had followed, he rolled his sleeve up so that Sam could see the small patch of criss-crossed scars on the skin just below his elbow.

Gabe didn’t meet Sam’s eyes again for a long time. His breathing was shallow and ragged. Sam was afraid to speak. He knew what those marks meant, but he had no idea what to say. He knew how much effort it must have taken for Gabe to show him his scars. Sam didn’t think any less of Gabe, of course, but he really hoped all the marks were old. He didn’t want Gabe to still be doing that because it scared him in a way that made it hard to breathe. Thinking about Gabe cutting himself - bleeding, risking death - Sam felt like his insides were shaking. 

Sam opened his mouth, but seeing his happy smirking friend reduced to this frightened mess struck him mute. He had no idea what he could possibly say right now. Instead, he decided to speak without words. To try physically to express the acceptance that his voice couldn’t. Very gently, he reached down and took Gabe’s arm in his hands. He leaned his head down and pressed his lips against the center of all the marks.

Gabe jerked against the touch, then stilled, watching Sam. When the boy finally spoke, it was barely a whisper. “She’s afraid if she leaves me alone, I’ll start doing this again.”

Sam lifted his head and finally risked speaking to ask, “Would you?” though he was afraid of the answer.

Gabe finally met Sam’s eyes. He slowly shook his head from side to side and a smile ghosted his lips for only a second. “No, Sam. I wouldn’t.” He pulled his sleeve down and took Sam’s hand again. “This is gonna sound crazy, but I met this guy, right? We went to this fortune telling booth at the fair, about a year ago. Just one of those stupid ‘crystal ball, palms read’ kind of thing, you know?”

Sam nodded, confused about where this was going. Gabe’s thumb was absently stroking the back of his hand, though, so he didn’t interrupt.

“I dunno, for some reason, I just really wanted to go in. I was never into that stuff, but he had this funny sign out front. Something about endings being hard, but nothing ending? I can’t remember what it said exactly, but I remember it made me wanna talk to him.” He laughed. “I wanted to talk to him so bad I threw away my cotton candy, coz mom said I couldn’t go in with it, can you believe it?”

Sam laughed. “Not really,” he said with a grin.

“Yeah, well, exactly. Doesn’t seem like me, right? But I did it. There wasn’t a ticket taker or anything, you just walked inside this shiny tent thing. Kind of dumb, but his name was ‘The Amazing Shurley’. So, anyway, I get in there and I don’t know what I’m expecting, but there’s just...this guy. He’s not in a robe or turban or any of that. He’s just sitting there behind a table.”

Sam is restless, so he starts the swing moving and Gabe stops his story for a minute to smile at him. “Sorry, I’m listening, I just felt like moving.”

“Sure. Anyway, the sign out front said you could pick whatever kind of reading you wanted and he’s got these Tarot cards and this crystal ball or whatever, on the table with him, right? But I step inside and right away he says ‘Palm reading, that’s what you’re getting.” And I just sort of agree to it because I hadn’t really decided or anything.”

“Did he see your scars?” Sam prompts because he’s scared and worried, and anxious to get to the part where Gabe stops cutting himself. He doesn’t care about some guy in a tent and what kind of reading Gabe got from a fake psychic. He doesn’t understand why he’s so irritated, but he wants to shake Gabe, tell him to hurry up and get to the part where he’s ok. And as soon as he thinks that, he realizes why he’s really upset. It’s not about the story. It’s about the scars. The fear of the thing that put them there. “Sorry, I...finish your story, Gabe.”

Instead of continuing, Gabe drops his head again and asks, “Sam, do you think less of me now?”

“What? No! Gabe, I swear, I don’t. I’m just...it scares me. Like...a lot. I’m sorry, I just…”

“No, I know, I get that. Just as long as you don’t...you know...wanna stay away from me or something.” Gabe looked up at Sam with fear in his eyes. Sam looked at Gabe like he’d grown another head.

“Are you serious? No way! It scares me because I don’t wanna _lose you_ , Gabe. Of course I don’t wanna stay away from you! Just...please - “ Sam had to stop speaking because his voice broke on the choking tightness in his throat that came with the tears that were suddenly flooding his eyes. “Please don’t hurt yourself anymore.”

Gabe squeezed his hand harder and pulled him into a quick hug. When he pulled back, he said, “Can I finish my story? I think you’ll feel better when you hear it. Ok?”

Sam nodded slowly. Wiping his eyes with the back of his free hand.

“I had on long sleeves, pulled down to the middle of my hands, so he couldn’t have seen the scars. And when he took my hand, it was the right one, anyway. When he turned my hand up, he traced my life line without actually touching it. Then he said that he could see that I had been ill. Actually, he told me he saw an unstable home life and a very serious illness. But he looked up from my hand and told me that there was no doctor who could cure me.”

Gabe turned to face Sam more and slid backwards a little on the seat, taking Sam’s hand with him. He pulled his feet onto the seat and wrapped his arms around his knees, still holding Sam’s fingers with his.

“Then he said, ‘So you have to be your own cure. It’s up to you to save yourself.’ He looked back down at my hand for a minute and said he saw me getting better. ‘Not just your illness, son. Your whole life. It gets better. There’s something waiting for you. Something amazing. And there are going to be boyfriends, but one boy in particular. But you’ve got to get well first, ok?’ Then he told me that was all he could tell me and I asked how much and he said there was no charge.”

Gabe looked out at the yard, obviously not really seeing it. His face was serious and Sam was still not used to seeing him without his smirk firmly in place.

“No one knew that I thought I might be gay. I’d never said anything to anyone. I mean, to be honest...” Gabe drew his eyes back to Sam’s. “You were the first person who knew.” Sam’s eyebrows went up slightly, but he said nothing. “I had always felt like a freak for that and it was...it was part of the cutting. I knew exactly how Uri would react if he found out - that’s why I freaked out so hard when I saw Cas today. I had no idea he was…”

Gabe trailed off and licked his lips. “Anyway, for this guy I didn’t know...for him to suggest that I was gay as though it were the most ordinary, normal thing in the world...there was no judgement or any indication that he thought less of me...just ‘there are gonna be boyfriends’ and that was all...it really meant something, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah, I totally get that.”

“After that - it wasn’t overnight, but - I found the strength to stop cutting. Once I had stopped, I promised myself that I wouldn’t do it again. And once I started believing that things would get better...once I started feeling like maybe I wasn’t a freak...then things started to _be_ better. I looked at everything differently. I stopped trying so hard to hide who I was. Except from my family, of course,” he said with a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

Sam, still disquieted by the unhappiness on Gabe’s face, went with his instincts before he could think it through. He quickly leaned forward and pressed his lips to Gabe’s in a light kiss. He wanted to say, “We’re both kind of fucked up, but we’re both ok. Let’s be fucked up but ok together.” He didn’t think he could get the words out. So instead, he kissed him with his eyes open. Gabe kissed back until they both closed their eyes.

It was then that Gabe’s mother called again. Given their conversation, Sam worried that Gabe would have to go to Uri’s house, but she only wanted to talk to Dean again. Gabe told her Dean was cooking, so he would have Dean call her back. Sam thought it was weird she was calling for Dean, but he wasn’t really used to having friends or the interactions between friends’ parents, so he wasn’t sure that it was out of the ordinary.

“I hope she’s not ready for you to go back right now,” Sam said, lazily caressing Gabe’s elbow with his fingers.

“Nah, I don’t think so. If she wants to talk to Dean directly, it’s probably because she needs to ask for a favor, and I’m betting it’s going to involve me staying longer, not leaving sooner.” Gabe’s smirk was back and Sam finally relaxed when he saw it.

“Man, I hope that’s what it is,” Sam said, leaning in for another quick kiss before standing up. “I guess we better go tell him to call her so we can find out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. I know that was a rough one. Things will get better soon. ~~For a while.~~ Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean realizes he's not coping as well as he'd thought he was. An old gift from Dean helps Sam make his decision. Cas finally gets to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even gauge the pain level of this one. The SPN season finale destroyed all my feels. 
> 
>  
> 
> **_Trigger warnings:_ Discussions of past abuse  & alcoholism & parental abandonment; emotional instability/self-loathing**

Dean was nervous about calling Gabe’s mom back, but he wasn’t sure why. In the end, he wiped sweaty palms on a dishtowel and just dialed. He realized as it rang that, since they had spoken the day before, he’d actually become responsible for Sam in a way he hadn’t been then. He paced the kitchen, checking things that didn’t need it, while he waited for her to finally pick up. He wasn’t an adult, but he was in charge. She probably assumed he was Sam’s dad and Dean didn’t know if he should correct her. The fourth ring had just started when she finally, breathlessly, answered the phone.

“Uh, Ms. Trixton? It’s Dean Winchester calling you back.”

“Oh, Mr. Winchester, thanks for getting back to me so fast.”

“Please, call me Dean. Mr. Winchester is my father.” He rushed ahead, before he could second guess himself. “I’m Sam’s guardian, but I’m actually his brother.” He just felt strongly that honesty - even if it wasn’t total honesty - was the best way to proceed here.

“Oh. All right. Dean, then. I was calling because…” There was a heavy sigh on the other end of the line. “I really hate to be a bother, but is it possible for Gabe to spend another night? I’ve got another chance at an extra shift and - “

“Ms. Trixton, like I said, Gabe is welcome here anytime. He can stay whenever you need him to. It’s no bother at all.”

The relief in her voice was tremendous. “Dean, you don’t know how much I appreciate this. Truly. I hate leaving him with his…” Dean could hear her shifting the phone to the other side of her head. “Gabe is...he’s always had trouble making friends, you know? I’m so glad he has Sam, and now you’re being so kind and…” Dean wasn’t sure, but he thought she might be crying.

“Hey, hey, it’s all right. Sam never really had much luck there, either. I’m glad they’ve got each other, too, Ms. Trixton. Believe me, I know what it’s like to need that extra shift and have to figure out where the kid’s gonna be in the meantime…”

“If you’re Sam’s brother, you’re very young to be so wise and experienced,” she said, an obvious sad smile in her voice.

“Yeah, well, we, uh...we don’t always get the life we expect, do we?”

“No, Dean. We certainly don’t.” She was quiet for a moment and Dean almost spoke, but he wasn’t sure what else to say. “If you and Sam...if Gabe and I can ever be of help to you, please let me know, ok? Maybe I can make dinner for you boys some night or something.”

“Ma’am, you don’t owe us anything. Just keep on being a good mom to Gabe and we’ll call it even, all right?”

She didn’t speak for a long moment. “You’re a good man, Dean Winchester, do you know that?”

Dean was uncomfortable with the praise, so he ignored it. “Should I just have Gabe ride the bus home after school tomorrow? Or does he need to come home with Sam?”

They hashed out the sleepover details, and then lunch was ready and Dean had the boys call the women to eat. Everyone went crazy for the burgers and potato wedges. Gabe went nuts over the pie. Dean could hardly object when the kid asked for a third slice since he clearly enjoyed it so much. There was still a slice left for him to take to Cas, so he really didn’t mind.

Sam hugged him again when he went to leave and Dean didn’t know what to make of it. The kid seemed both younger and older than he had the day before and Dean wasn’t sure how to feel about it. He just squeezed him hard, then shoved him away with a gruff “Get off me, ya nutball” because he knew he’d get a smile out of Sam that way. Suddenly, it punched him in the gut that he was solely in charge now and how much he didn’t want to screw it up. He really loved that kid.

It wasn’t until Dean got to the hospital that he started to realize how off he was. Cas had asked him to come earlier, since his brothers had already been by and wouldn’t be visiting again. That meant Dean could stay longer and he was fully on board with more Cas time.

He’d been flying high on the heels of Cas’ phone call and everyone’s praise of the meal, but then felt a little depressed and anxious after the feelings-heavy hug from Sam. Once he got to the room, though, he almost immediately flew high again - and then crashed, hard.

He was so excited to see him that his face literally hurt from the huge smile he broke into at the sight of those blue eyes. When he saw Cas smiling almost as hard in return, he felt like his insides were filled with helium and he might rise up off the floor at any second.

“How ya doing, Cas? You look happy,” He said with a lopsided grin.

“I’m a lot better, actually. They tell me I’m going home tomorrow. That makes me pretty happy.”

Dean’s fantastic mood instantly deflated. _Of course_ , he thought. _He’s just happy to be going home. Not at seeing me._ Then it hit him that it meant that there would be no more visits between them. Once Cas went home, he wouldn’t need visitors. He might not ask Dean to come over until, and unless, he got his memory back - and who knew when that might be. Dean felt sick. Tears sprang up in his eyes before he could stop the runaway train of his self-loathing and despair.

“And seeing you makes me happy, too,” Cas added, ducking his head as a blush crept up his cheeks. “They don’t want me on my foot for at least another week, though, so I’m still out of school. I don’t suppose you’d still wanna come hang out everyday and keep me company?” Cas asked, looking up with a shy smile. The smile faltered when he saw Dean’s face. “Dean, are you all right? You don’t have to…Dean, what’s wrong?”

“Shit,” Dean said, trying to catch up to what Cas had said. He _was_ happy to see him. He _did_ still want him to come over. It was too late, though. Too many rapid mood swings in a short period. He wasn’t bouncing back from this one. “Cas, I don’t know. I feel...man, when I came in just now, I was so freakin’ happy and then...you said you were happy about going home and I just...I felt gutted. I don’t…”

Dean pulled off his coat and tossed it into his usual chair. He sat on the edge of the bed, not really able to form any coherent thoughts. His emotions were out of control. Now that he had a chance to look back on the day, he realized he had been off even before he got here. He had cried so hard when his dad left, he’d thought that was good enough to carry him for a while, but it looked like that wasn’t the case.

Cas’ hand hesitantly began rubbing in slow circles across Dean’s back. He added his nails to the mix, lightly scratching Dean through his henley. Dean turned pained green eyes to search blue ones, but he couldn’t hold the piercing gaze for too long. He was afraid Cas could see down to his soul and he felt so raw already.

Cas voice was quiet, as if he was afraid to spook him. “Dean, do you think maybe this is about your father? That was a pretty big deal, what happened.”

Dean’s voice was a hoarse whisper. “Yeah. Probably it’s that.” He tried so hard to stop the tears. His throat burned and ached with them. His eyes prickled and his nose filled. He tried to take a deep breath, but it hitched in his chest. Somehow, the words started tumbling out before he knew they were coming.

"We're on our own now, Cas. Me and Sam. There's no more Dad to fall back on, no more absent drunk to blame when things go bad. It's just me in charge now. I...I talked all big to Ellen, said I'd been taking care of Sam all this time...And, the fact is, I have, but...this time it's different. It's really _just_ me. What if I fuck up, Cas? What if he gets hurt or gets sick because I fucked up? What if I let him down?"

Cas said nothing throughout his speech, just continued scratching soothing circles into Deans back. And somehow it made Dean feel safe enough to just let go, safe enough to let the tears come. He sat there on the hospital bed and cried, while Cas just used his fingernails like a silent lullaby.

Once Dean’s breathing was more even and he wasn’t crying anymore, Cas dared to speak. “Dean, you’ve taken care of Sam all this time. Have you let him down so far? Has he gotten hurt or sick?”

Dean chanced a look at him, green eyes shining like a pair of jade marbles, surrounded by ivory shot through with streaks of red. “No, but - “

“Then why do you think you will now?” Dean just shrugged and shook his head. “Dean, do you really think you can’t do a better job than your father has? I mean, consider the bad job your father has already done. Is Sam damaged beyond repair from it?”

“I don’t...probably not.”

“So what makes you think you could do worse by him than your dad has? And anyway, you aren’t alone. Gabe told me about Ellen last night. About how she chased your dad off and how she and her daughter looked after all of you when he was gone. He said she obviously thought of you and Sam almost like sons. So you aren’t alone, not if you don’t want to be, right?”

“Actually, she, uh, offered to let us live with her. She even offered to adopt Sammy.”

“See? You’re going to be fine, Dean. You’re smart and capable and you care about your brother more than anything else, I can tell. We should all be lucky enough to have a father figure like you in our lives.” Dean caught the ghost of pain that skated across Cas’ eyes then.

Cas’ hand had finally stopped it’s circling and had come to rest on Dean’s hip. Dean reached down and took it in his own. When those blue eyes flicked up, Dean smiled to show him he was feeling better. “Thanks, Cas. You’re better at talking than you think, you know.” Cas blushed slightly at the compliment. “So,” Dean said, changing the subject. “Busting out tomorrow, huh?”

“Yes! I’m so excited, even though I still have to be on a crutch for a long time. Then I’ll need physical therapy and all of that, but still...I don’t have to be in this bed and I can walk again and...I’m excited,” he finished with sheepish grin.

“I’m glad you’re getting out. I bet it’s a lot more fun to have sleepovers in your actual bed than a hospital bed.” Dean hadn’t meant it to be suggestive, but he saw Cas’ eyes drop down to his lips and realized it could be interpreted that way. He was the one blushing this time. “I didn’t...that wasn’t...I mean, that, too, obviously, but I was just talking about the actual sleeping part. I wouldn’t have to sleep on the couch.”

“However you meant it, it’s accurate,” Cas said with a smile that could only be described as flirtatious. “By the way, I have a favor to ask. You can feel free to say no.”

“I’m sure the answer’s probably yes, but what is it?”

“Could you possibly pick me up tomorrow? My brothers don’t miss school for anything usually, and I’m getting out kind of early in the morning. I mean, if you don’t want to miss more class, it’s ok, I can take a cab or maybe get Anna to do it.”

“It’d be my pleasure, Cas. You get to ride in my baby again,” Dean said with a wink.

“Your...baby? Are you referring to your vehicle?”

“I call her Baby. It’s...I spent a lot of time on her. She’s beautiful.”

Cas smiled at him fondly. They spent most of the rest of their time making plans for the pick-up, and talking about Ellen and Jo and how they had come to be such an integral part of Dean’s life. Dean finally gave Cas the full story of the past 24 hours and those blue eyes never left his face once. Instead of making him nervous now, it comforted Dean.

“You’ve had a pretty rough weekend, I’d say. It’s no wonder your emotions are so intense.” Cas reached out and took Dean’s hand. “That was brave, what you did. Not just throwing your dad out, but stepping in to protect Sam.”

Dean didn’t feel brave. He felt like he had taken on a giant weight he wasn’t ready to handle. He loved Sam so much. What if he screwed up? The fear washed over him again and Cas eyed him narrowly.

“Dean, you aren’t going to let Sam down.”

There was not a hint of doubt in the blue eyes. Dean let his fear be calmed by Castiel’s certainty. He took a deep breath and huffed it out slowly through his mouth. He nodded, then did his best to smile. Cas squeezed his hand and Dean squeezed back.

“Will you move in with Ellen? Or stay where you are?”

Dean was grateful for the slight change of subject. “Not sure. I’m leaving it up to Sammy. He hates moving, but he’s also the one who spends so much time alone when I’m at work. I mean, I can sway him one way or the other, probably. I just really think the choice should be his. I think I’ll probably take him back to the house tonight. Let him spend a night in his own bed to help him make the decision.”

“I wish I got along better with my brothers. Sam is so lucky to have you.” That same flicker of pain crossed Cas’ face, but he looked away and reached for his water before Dean could remark on it.

“Did you ever get along with your brothers? Or has it always been like this?”

“I think maybe I did when we were young, before my father...it’s hard to remember now. I know I used to get along with my older brother, Thaz, but he’s been gone for a long time now. He used to date Gabe’s mother, actually, before she was with Gabe’s father. When they broke up, Thaz took off. That wasn’t long before our father did, actually. Anyway, a few years later, Uri started dating Andrea.”

“How many brothers do you have, anyway?”

“I’ve got 5. Mike, Thaz, Uri, Zach and Raphe. Then there’s Anna and finally me.”

“So, Zach and Raphe, are they, like fraternal twins or something?”

“You’re wondering why they’re in the same grade?” Dean nodded. “And why Anna and I are as well.” It wasn’t a question, but Dean nodded again anyway. “It’s to do with the death of my mother and the...disappearance of my father.” Cas seemed to shrink in on himself. He dropped his gaze and let go of Dean’s hand, leaning back into the bed and away from him.

“Hey, Cas, it’s ok, man. I didn’t mean to pry. You don’t have to talk about it.”

"No, Dean, it's fine. I want you to know the story, I just...I don't think I am up to the telling today. I feel weak saying that, after the things you've just told me..."

"What? Cas, no. Don't feel like...it's not some kind of contest. We all have our shit and we all have to get through it how we can. Don't apologize for that. Didn't you tell me earlier you feel like you're not very good at talking?" Cas nodded, seeming slightly less shrunken now. "Then how could I fault you for saying you're not ready to talk about something?"

“I...Thank you.”

“I do want to know more about you, though. What _are_ you up to talking about? Tell me something about your life, Cas. Whatever you want.”

“I’m really not that interesting, Dean.”

“I’m interested,” Dean said quietly. He let Cas search his face for a full thirty seconds without blinking. He left his face unguarded, his emotions evident. It wasn’t like him at all. Then again, he hadn’t quite been himself since that day on the bleachers, let alone since the day he’d first kissed the beautiful blue eyed boy in front of him. Castiel must have seen something reassuring because he finally started to speak.

“Since my father left, it’s just been me and my brothers and Anna. Mike is the oldest and he stepped into the parental role once dad was gone. He’s out of the house a lot more now that we’re older, but he still metes out discipline when he deems it necessary.”

“He must care if he’s still looking after all of you after all this time, right?”

Cas laugh was bitter. “He only looks after us because the guidelines of his trust fund state clearly that if he doesn’t provide care for each of us through our 21st birthday, or until we choose to move out, he will be cut off from his money.”

“What? How do you know that?”

“Because he has said so, on numerous occasions. He told us that’s how my mother set it up, in the event that anything ever happened to my father after she was gone. We are nothing to him but a burden to be endured.”

“Wow, Cas, that’s...I’m sorry. I can’t imagine feeling that way about Sam.”

Cas’ face softened and he smiled fondly at Dean. “I know, Dean. It’s one of the things I admire about you. Your dedication to your brother. You’re taking on his care not because you must, but because you feel you should and because you want to.”

Dean squirmed under the compliments. He didn’t want to think about his new responsibility again yet, either. So instead of responding, he said, “Thaz is an odd name.”

“Odder than Castiel?” Cas asked with a smirk and a lifted eyebrow. “It’s short for Balthazar. All my siblings and I were named after angels. I am the only one who hasn’t been going by a nickname my whole life. For some reason, none of my brothers continued calling me Cas after our mother died. They’ve always used my full name. I never minded. It was too painful after she first died and later I just felt like it was a special name that shouldn’t be used by just anyone.” He looked at Dean through his eyelashes. Dean didn’t know if Cas was afraid Dean wouldn’t catch the significance of the revelation or that he would.

“Cas suits you. I’m glad you like it when I call you that.” His voice was quiet and his chest felt tight with some emotion he didn’t know if he could name. He cleared his throat to break the moment. “So, uh, what are the others’ full names?”

“Well, Michael, obviously. Balthazar, Uriel, Raphael, Zachariah and Anael.”

“Wow, that’s...that’s a lot of...wow.” Dean laughed a little. “And beautiful little Castiel,” he finished, earning a shy smile from Cas.

That smile led to a kiss, and that kiss led to more, and all that kissing ended any further conversation until it was time for Dean to leave.

* * *

 

While Gabe went to take a shower, Sam walked into his room and found the mess his father had left. Dean had tried to right it some, but Sam could still tell things were missing or moved. Plenty of things were not neatly aligned like they normally were or perfectly folded or...Sam heaved a sigh and sat on the bed. He really did love this room. He picked up the picture of his mother and Dean. He ran the pad of his thumb over the chipped corner and then each of the faces in turn. He gently set the frame back down again and stood, restless already.

He stepped over to the least messed up shelf and looked at his collection of keepsakes and odds and ends. He saw his fourth grade trophy for the gifted program invention contest and smiled. Dean had helped him with it and his brother was so proud when Sam had won. Propped up against the side of the little statuette was a well-worn dictionary. It had been a gift from Dean when Sam had first started reading books without pictures. Sam thought he’d been about 6 at the time.

He hadn’t known then that it was unusual for first graders to be reading anything with more than 20 pages, but Dean had known. Sam thought there were plenty of brothers who would have freaked out about it. Especially given how Dad had made Dean feel stupid at every turn. Dean never realized how smart he actually was himself. Dean also had no idea _Sam_ realized just how bad things had been for Dean. Sam did realize, though. He probably realized things Dean didn’t.

Sam opened the dictionary and skimmed his fingers over the inscription on the front cover. “To my baby brother. So you’ll always know what the words mean. Love, Dean.” Sam felt tears sting his eyes. He had had to look up a lot of words in those first few years. Sometimes he would just open the dictionary itself and read a few random entries.

Sometimes Dean had to help him with the pronunciation. Sam noticed how Dean always knew the words already and didn’t need to to be told what they meant, whenever Sam would tell him a new word he’d learned. Dean never acted less than impressed, though. Sam could still hear him like it was yesterday. “ _Wow, Sammy, that’s a big word! Nice._ ”

Sam looked around at the other items, but he didn’t really take them in. He straightened his room as he went. He thought he had already made up his mind. As much as he loved Ellen and hated staying here alone so much, he didn’t want to move in with the Harvelles.

Dean had been more like a parent than a sibling for most of his life. He had been in charge of Sam all this time. Was anything really different now? He and Dean were a team. They’d ask for help if they needed it, but they’d relied on each other this long and Sam didn’t think they would do well living under someone else’s house rules. Their system worked, so why try another?

Once the room was straight, he went to look for Dean. He found his older brother in his darkened room, sitting on the far side of his bed with his back to the door. He could tell that Dean was crying and he didn’t want to embarrass him, but he didn’t want his brother to sit there crying alone in the dark, either. He reached out a hand and squeezed Dean’s shoulder. Dean jumped, but didn’t say anything or brush the hand away. He took a minute to get himself under control and then reached up and patted Sam’s hand.

“What’s up, Sam?”

“I came to talk to you about Ellen’s, but I’d rather know if you’re ok.”

Dean laughed a little at that. “Yeah, I’m just…” Dean shook his head, staring at his feet.

“Dean, what is it? Are you upset about Dad or…?”

“No, it’s not that. I just…” Dean dragged his eyes up to Sam’s and Sam could see the fear in them. “I don’t wanna let you down, Sammy.”

Sam threw himself into Dean, a fierce hug that threatened to knock his older brother off the bed. His voice was watery and muffled as he spoke into the side of his brother’s neck. “Dean, you could never let me down! You’ve always been there for me. Always. I just looked through all the stuff in my room, all the things that are important to me and you know what I saw?”

He pulled out of the hug then so he could look at Dean. “The things that mean the most to me all came from you. I have like one thing from Dad, a couple from Ellen, and one or two from friends and school, but the things that I’d miss if I lost them? Those are all from you, man.”

He sniffled and continued, “My first dictionary came from you, remember?” His face twisted and he shook his head. “Dad has always made you feel stupid and you always say ‘Sammy’s the smart one’ or ‘Sam’s the brains’ and I hate that, man. Coz you’re just as smart as me, Dean. I hate that Dad made you feel that way about yourself.”

“You took care of me all this time, when Dad either couldn’t or wouldn’t and I know you’ll keep doing it. I don’t wanna go to Ellen’s. I wanna stay here with you.” Sam could see that Dean was about to cry again and he knew how important looking tough was to his older brother.

So instead of continuing the deep talk, he said, “I mean, you’ve been more like a mom than a brother. I’d say like a father, but with you being such a girl and all…” He grinned when the pulled punch landed on his shoulder.

“Bitch,” came the gruff voice from the shadowy face.

“Jerk,” Sam responded with a smile. “So. Can we stay?”

“Yeah, little man, we can stay. One thing, though. How would you feel about being dropped off at Ellen’s whenever I have to work? Not because I think you need a babysitter, but just so you don’t have to spend all that time alone when I’m at Bobby’s.”

“Oh, um...I don’t know. Can I think about it? Then we can ask Ellen?”

“Sure, Sammy.”

“Hey Dean?”

“Yeah?

“I love you, bro.”

“I love you, too.”

* * *

 

Pick-up time could not come quickly enough for Dean. When he got to the hospital, he made it upstairs in record time - only to find that they hadn’t released Cas yet. They sat around for over an hour, waiting on the doctor to come talk to Cas and give him his release paperwork. When the doctor finally showed up, the nurse on duty said she would be taking Cas downstairs in his wheelchair as soon as the doctor was done. She told Dean where they would end up, so Dean headed downstairs to move the Impala to the patient pick-up exit.

Dean pulled his car slightly past the doors. If anyone else drove up in the meantime, they’d be able to go around. He strummed his fingers on the steering wheel and had no idea why he was so nervous. He felt confined in the front seat, and said a silent apology to his baby. He decided to wait outside against the back door, chill in the air or no chill.

When Cas came through the door, he squinted against the bright outdoor light. His hair was unkempt and he was wearing a loose-fitting blue plaid shirt that looked more like a pajama top than a proper shirt. The overall effect made Cas look like a little kid who’d been rudely awakened. Dean found it adorable. He chuckled and the blue eyed boy tilted his head in confusion, not getting the joke. Dean only smiled fondly at him and helped him into the car.

That was a bit of an ordeal because of the cast. Dean ended up having to move the big bench seat back quite a lot to accommodate it. Cas offered several times to sit in the back seat, but Dean waved him off. Finally, Dean got everything adjusted so that Cas could slide in comfortably, cast and all. Then he went around to the driver’s side and hopped in, earlier laughter forgotten.

As soon as they were both seated, though, Cas asked, “Why were you laughing?” When Dean explained, Cas made a face that Dean could only have described as pouty and it started him chuckling again.

Cas frowned, looking angry now. “Dean, I don’t like being the butt of a joke.”

Dean’s laughter immediately stopped and his eyes went soft. “Aw, Cas, no, I’m not making fun, I swear. You just looked really, really cute. Before you…” Dean stopped and swallowed back the guilt that flared up. “You know, ended up in the hospital, I was used to only seeing you as this put together guy who’s confident and popular and...I dunno, getting to see you looking so young and…”

Dean stopped and sighed, as Cas’ expression remained annoyed. He reached over and cupped the cleft chin underneath the downturned lips. “Cas, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’d never…” Dean had to look away and compose himself. “I would never, ever do that on purpose, I swear.” He tried to put the truth of that on his face, in his eyes.

It must have worked because Cas’ face finally let go of its hardness. The brunet squirmed a little in his seat and Dean dropped his hand. “I...believe that’s probably true. No, Dean, _I’m_ sorry. I overreacted. I didn’t sleep well and I’m in a bit of pain. Plus, the doctor was telling me all about the physical therapy and how long it’s going to be before I get these stupid hunks of plaster off of me. It put me in a foul mood and I took it out on you.”

The guilt threatened to drown Dean then. He wanted so badly to tell Cas the truth right then, to get it off his chest and put it behind him. But it wasn’t the right moment. He knew that. Some of the reasons he thought of for waiting were selfish, but others were not. Cas was already in a bad mood from bad news. The other bad news could wait a little longer. He had to tell him before he remembered on his own, though. That was for sure.

So Dean plastered a sympathetic smile on his face, and instead of confessing, he said, “You don’t need to apologize. I get it. It’s been a rough morning for you.” He squeezed his friend’s hand. “You ready to go home?”

“So very ready, Dean.”

Dean grinned and waggled his eyebrows, relieved when Cas grinned back. He had considered playing Led Zeppelin, to see if it would jog Cas’ memory, but considering his recent thoughts, he decided another band might be better. He didn’t begrudge Cas his memories, but he wanted to have a chance to tell him what he’d done. He promised himself that he would tell him, just as soon as they got Cas in his room. He couldn’t go on like this and he knew it.

Since Zeppelin was out, Dean popped in a random mix tape. He wasn’t thrilled to find it was full of love songs. It was power ballads, technically, but they were all about love and loss and he really didn’t need it right now. Cas looked at him oddly as he flung the tape into the back seat and shoved another in, after spending several minutes fast forwarding through mushy songs he didn’t want to hear. The boy with the gorgeous blue eyes said nothing, though. Dean thought he might be in pain.

“How you feeling, Cas? You ok over there? I know it’s a tight fit. Do I need to stop and move the seat back more?” He hoped not, as he had already shoved the seat back further than he liked.

“No, it’s fine. My last shot is wearing off, I think. They gave me a prescription for pain medications, but until then I’ll make do with Tylenol or something.”

“Let’s go to the pharmacy and get it filled. If you don’t have the cash on you, I can spot it.”

“I have insurance. You don’t mind?” Cas looked skeptical, as though of course Dean wouldn’t want to run an errand for him on top of driving him home. As if this really was a favor in Dean’s eyes and not an opportunity to spend more time with Cas.

“Dude, of course not. You’re obviously not feeling great. I don’t have anywhere else I need to be right now, but even if I did, only a bag of dicks would make you wait to get your meds.”

Cas smiled at that. “Thank you, Dean. I know several people who are...bags of dicks, I guess.”

“Your brothers?” Dean guessed.

“They don’t like running errands for me. And since I can’t drive…”

“Well, I don’t mind. And don't think I’ve forgotten what I said about teaching you to drive, either.”

“You don’t have to, you know.”

“I want to, Cas.”

“Then I’d like that very much.” Cas didn’t look his direction when he said it, but a small smile played at his full lips as he looked out the window and Dean felt a little flutter of...something in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are really starting to move now, so strap in tight.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas gets home and Sam comes to visit. Dean meets Andrea face to face at Gabe's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some happy feels in it. There's some sad stuff, too, but you shouldn't come away emotionally compromised this time. ~~Well, not much.~~
> 
> As I've said before, without **[mahbbys](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mahbbys/works)** , not a bit of this would be possible. Give her some love on some of her fics, too, yeah?
> 
> **_Trigger warnings:_ Discussions of physical and emotional abuse, as well as alcoholism.**

They finally pulled into the driveway of Cas’ house, neither boy speaking. The pharmacy had been extraordinarily busy, so it had taken a full hour to get Cas his meds. By that time, Cas was in pretty bad shape. He had practically snatched the bag from Dean when he pulled it from the basket of the pharmacy drive-thru. Cas had immediately taken two pills, swallowing them dry - making Dean wince and swallow convulsively himself in response.

Cas was obviously still hurting and Dean felt like a piece of shit. This was his damned fault, _his_ , and he hated it. Cas was going to hate him, too. He felt sick. He really didn’t want to tell Cas now, but he knew it had to be done, sooner rather than later. He couldn’t go on with this guilt. It was only getting worse. Dean had enjoyed Cas’ company and kept his mouth shut while Cas was in the hospital, but he couldn’t hide behind the excuse of Cas needing to get well anymore. He had wanted to spend the afternoon with him, enjoying a little more time together, but he knew he’d never be able to relax now.

His stomach was an ocean of dread and regret as he helped Cas out of the car and into the house. The poor guy was too wiped out to manage his crutch, so Dean was practically carrying him. He loved the feel of Cas against him and he didn’t want to lose it, ever. He was warm and firm and the little bit of hip bone that was peeking above his jeans was doing things to Dean’s lower half that he didn’t want to think about right now. But too soon, they were outside the door of Cas’ room and waiting for Cas to fumble the lock open.

“Cas, why, um, why do you lock your door?”

“My brothers have no concept of personal space. I will have my privacy.” He shrugged, eyes bagged and radiating exhaustion.

Dean helped Cas down onto the couch. Then he went out to the car to get the crutch and Cas’ small bag from his back seat. He was practicing what he would say to Cas as he walked to the Impala and back. He took a deep breath outside the door before walking in. He prepared himself to broach the subject, but then he saw Cas lying heavily against the couch, eyes closed, and Dean sighed.

His confession might have to wait.

He walked over quietly and knelt down next to Cas, gently pressing a hand on his knee. “Cas? How you doing? Need me to help you to the bed?”

Cas jerked up, obviously disoriented. He looked around, confused, clearly half-asleep and drug-addled. He looked around the room, as if trying to figure out where he was. When his eyes landed on the body language book, Dean saw him tense. Cas lifted his hand and reached out for the book, slender fingers trembling. He pulled it into his lap and caressed the cover with the fingers of his broken arm. Then he tensed again and started looking around on the floor. His eyes stopped on the sexuality book and then lifted to Dean, lids wide and pupils huge.

“Cas?” Fear trickled down his spine. Was he too late? Was Cas already remembering?

“ _Dean_ …” He looked at the book on the floor again. “You were here. I - I _remember_ you being here.” He looked at the floor again.

Dean’s stomach dropped. He braced himself for Cas to scream at him, throw the book, maybe even cry. He opened his mouth to try to apologize, explain, something, but then Cas looked up. He was _smiling_ and Dean felt a tiny ray of hope.

“You kissed me. Right here on this couch. You told me you were bisexual and I told you I thought I was pan...I _remember_ , Dean!” His teeth were bared in a grin and his face was shining with joy. “I was so happy. You liked me back!” he said with a small laugh. “I was still so excited that night that I couldn’t sleep. Not till after I - ” He broke off and dropped his eyes, a blush creeping up his cheeks.

“Not till after you what, Cas?” Dean’s mind was still somewhere caught between fear and confusion and relief, so it took him an extra moment to catch up. When he did he went still. “Cas, did you…” Dean tried to act less awed and more teasing. “Are you saying that you were thinking about me that night when you indulged in a little self love?” Cas wouldn’t look up, so Dean asked, “Was I your fantasy, Cas?” His smirk was cocky, even though inside he was doing jumping jacks for joy.

“Well, it wasn’t the Olsen twins,” Cas retorted.

Dean’s surprised laugh was bright and higher pitched than he would’ve liked, but it was worth it for the smile on Cas’ face. His face softened and he admitted, “You were mine, too, Cas.” He wanted to take the expression from Cas’ face and bottle it for a rainy day. Cas was obviously as emotionally affected by learning he was Dean’s fantasy as Dean had been knowing he’d been that for Cas.

“Me? But you’re…” Cas waved at Dean’s general form as if that explained everything. “And I’m just…” He made a similar wave at himself, frowning slightly as he did so.

“Are you serious? You can’t tell me you don’t know how hot you are, Cas.” Except apparently that was exactly what Cas was telling him. The brunet head tilted, brow scrunched together in obvious confusion. “Dude, you know you’re one of the most popular guys in school.”

Cas made a dismissive wave. “Guilt by association with my brothers. It’s just because we’ve obviously got money and they’re good at sports.” Cas shrugged. Dean thought maybe the drugs were affecting him again. “It has nothing to do with my physical appearance. I’m just...average looking.”

“Average...you can’t...you don’t…” Dean was annoyed with his inability to finish a sentence, but he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Cas. Are you honestly telling me that you don’t know that every girl in the damn school has the hots for you? Several of the guys, too, I’m pretty sure.”

Cas’ eyes grew round with Dean’s words. “What? No. I’m...my hair is always a mess, my lips are too big and I -”

“Your... _what_? Cas, your lips are my second favorite physical thing about you. They’re...fuck, Cas.” As if unable to prove his point with mere words, Dean pulled Cas in for a kiss. The kiss deepened faster than he expected and he forced himself to pull back. Without thinking, his fingers had twisted up in Cas’ thick dark hair and he watched the strands as he untangled his fingers. “And this fucking bed head you’ve got going on is just...shit, Cas, there’s nothing about you that _isn’t_ sexy.”

Cas stared at him with wide wet eyes. This time he pulled Dean in for a kiss and they didn’t come up for air for several minutes. They were both panting by the time Dean sat back on his heels and broke the kiss. He wiped his thumb across the moisture on Cas’ bottom lip. Then he looked into deep blue eyes, blown wide with want. Dean’s erection was caught painfully in his jeans and he dropped forward on his knees to allow it some freedom.

“We’d, uh, we’d better stop.”

Cas nodded and then closed his eyes, hand grasping the couch cushion as if trying to hold on. His heavy casted arm raised up so he could press his fingertips to his forehead.

“Cas, you all right? Meds making you dizzy?”

Cas’ “Yeah” was barely audible.

“Ok, man, here, let me get you to the bed.” He stopped for a second, trying to work out the logistics in his head. “Actually, just lean back for a minute, ok? Let me get your shoes off.” He busied himself with that, not waiting to see if Cas followed his instruction or not. When he was done, he realized Cas was asleep. He considered stretching him out and leaving him on the couch, but Dean was afraid he might hurt his arm or leg if he thrashed in his sleep.

Dean tried to scoop up his sleeping friend, only to find he was much heavier than he looked. Cas wasn’t in any sports that Dean knew of, but apparently there were dense muscles under his clothes which Dean had not yet seen, so he must do something for exercise. He lifted Cas into a semi-standing position as best he could, having to wake him in order to achieve it. He and Cas stumbled the short distance to the bed and, after a bit of a struggle, Dean got the zoned out brunet into the bed and under the covers.

He didn’t really want to leave Cas like this, but he wasn’t sure being there when Cas’ brothers got home was a great idea. He figured the guy would be out for at least a couple hours, anyway, before he needed anything. “Cas?” He said, wiping gently across the other boy’s forehead. “Your brothers should be home in a couple hours. Do you need anything before I go?”

Blue eyes flew open. “No, Dean, stay! Please, just...stay.” Every word was an obvious struggle to get out, so Dean shushed him gently.

“Ok, Cas. Shh. Just go back to sleep. I’ll stay as long as I can.”

Cas relaxed again at that and his face softened into a small smile before he drifted off again. Dean watched him sleep for several long minutes, until he decided it was probably creepy. It also reminded him too much of watching Cas in the hospital room. He stroked his fingers lightly over Cas’ forearm and hand. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to the clammy forehead, again like he had when Cas was in the coma. Since he didn’t want to be creepy, though, he decided to settle on the couch and find something to occupy himself.

Since he didn’t want to be reading the sexuality book if Cas’ brothers came in, he opted for the one on body language. Following some instinct he couldn’t name, he grabbed the sexuality one and slid it under a cushion on the couch, making a mental note to text Cas later to let him know where it was. If Cas’ brothers needed to be in here to take care of him, Dean didn’t want them finding his book and invading his privacy.

After 2 hours of reading, though, Cas’ brothers still hadn’t returned. Dean checked his watch and realized he needed to head out for Bobby’s soon. He was debating waking Cas when he saw his eyelids starting to flutter. They flew open and he called out Dean’s name, trying to sit up.

“Hey, hey, Cas, it’s ok, I’m here. You all right?”

The brunet sunk back down into the pillows again, looking confused. “Did you put me in the bed?”

“Yeah, Cas. You were kinda out of it. You feeling any better now?”

“Little groggy. My brothers home?” Dean could tell the drugs were still playing havoc by the way Cas was leaving out words.

“No, not yet. Listen, I actually need to leave soon to get to work. You gonna be ok by yourself if your brothers aren’t back by then?”

Cas nodded weakly. “Bring me a glass of water?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever you need. Are you hungry? I could get you a sandwich or something...”

“No, thank you, just water.”

Dean was back with the water quickly, even though he’d had to search for the glasses. In his search he had found a package of crackers and he’d brought those, too. He thought Cas might get hungry, but have trouble with actual food because of the meds. He told him as much and Cas looked touched that he’d thought of it.

His “Thank you, Dean” was quiet.

“I wish I didn't have to leave. I’d call in late, but I really need the money now that it’s just me and Sam. I mean, not that Dad really contributed anyway, but...Sorry, I’m rambling. Look, you call me if you need anything, ok? I will leave work if you need me to. I can be here in 15 minutes, all right?”

“Dean. I’ll be fine.”

Dean scrubbed his hand across his neck, uncertain. “Ok...hey, where’s your bathroom?” Cas pointed to a door Dean had assumed was a closet. “That’s not the closet?” Cas shook his head and gestured behind Dean to another door he hadn’t even noticed, indicating the actual closet.

He told Cas he’d be right back and headed into the bathroom. He was shocked by how big it was. He had expected a small one, maybe guest bath size, but it was actually about half the size of Cas’ bedroom. The tub was huge and deep and Dean felt a definite pang of envy, especially when he realized the shower was separate.

He continued to stare at the tub with a mild longing as he relieved himself. He wasn’t a huge bath guy, really, but some days when he’d really worked hard on a car and done a ton of lifting, he wished he could soak in a big tub to get some of the kinks out of his sore muscles. Their tiny bathtub didn’t work for that at all, so he made do with hot showers that didn’t really have the pressure to do much massaging. He wondered if maybe he could convince Cas to let him use his sometime.

Then he realized they still had to have the talk about the accident and Dean wondered if Cas would even speak to him again once they had. He felt heavy and he wanted to leave Cas less than ever. What if it all came back to him once Dean left for the day? What if Cas wouldn’t let him explain, and this was the last time he ever got to be with him? Dean felt a burning pain in his chest at the idea of never getting to kiss Cas again, or see him smile.

When he returned to the bedroom, he surprised Cas with his kiss, but even more with the desperation Dean hoped Cas mistook for urgency or desire. He wanted to memorize Cas’ mouth, his face, his touch. He wanted to drink him in so he could keep him when it all went to shit. He couldn’t remember wanting anything nearly as much as he wanted to get to stay with Cas. The idea of losing him made Dean feel as though his insides were made of ice and he had drunk boiling water that was slowly melting him.

He forced a smile on his face as he pulled out of the kiss. “See ya later, Cas.”

“Can you…” Cas bit his lip and couldn’t look Dean in the eye. “Can you come back after work?” He rushed to add, “You can bring Sam, too. You won’t even need to see my brothers. You can come in through the french doors. Just unlock them now so you can get in later.”

Dean smiled for real this time. “Hell yeah, man. I’m sure Sam will like that, too.”

 

* * *

 

He did, however, remember Dean now. That moment on the steps when he’d first seen him, the gaze of those green eyes piercing straight through his chest. That day on the bleachers, when he’d realized there was more to Dean than a gorgeous exterior. That afternoon he’d finally worked up his nerve and brought Dean here, to his room.

Now that he knew how long he’d been interested in Dean, Cas felt kind of lucky to have had amnesia for a while. It meant he’d gotten to have _two_ first kisses from Dean Winchester and no one else could ever say that. When he compared them now, he was a little bit surprised by how similar the reactions were. He had been excited and happy both times, of course, but while the first made him feel weak because he’d been anticipating it for so long, the second made him feel that way because he was so confused by everything and Dean had been a port in the storm.

He was so happy to have the memory of the day on the bleachers back. It had been a good day for him. The first truly good day he had had in a long time. Cas had many acquaintances, but throughout his life he had had few friends. He just didn’t get along with people, for the most part. Sam Andriel had been an exception and look how _that_ had turned out. So when he had connected with Dean that day, it had been a momentous occasion.

It had started like any other day when his brothers had practice and he got stuck waiting for them. He’d sat there on the bleachers, reading a book and wishing time would speed up. Then he’d heard a familiar voice and looked up into green eyes that set his heart pounding. He hadn’t been used to that level of physical attraction to anyone - he still wasn’t, really - but Dean always brought it out in him.

Cas had slipped into party mode and made small talk. He’d said he hadn’t seen Dean at practice before. Dean had told him that he normally had to work, then he went on to say that work had had to close early for some reason, so he’d thought he’d watch for a while. They had started chatting and Dean expressed his desire to be on the field.

“Why don’t you try out? It’s not too late. My brothers are on the team, I could have them talk to the coach for you, if you like,” Cas had offered.

“Man, as awesome an offer as that is, I can’t try out. I usually work 6 days a week, so I just don’t have the time.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

Cas didn’t know what had prompted Dean to explain his reason for working, but he would be eternally grateful he had. “It’s just my dad taking care of us - me and my brother Sammy - so I have to work to help pay the bills.”

Cas knew now this had not been strictly the truth, but it was close enough. It had led to a discussion about the death of Dean’s mother, which had led to discussion of Cas’ own mother’s death. They talked, briefly, about absent fathers, as well as lost mothers. They talked about music. It wasn’t until afterward that Cas realized Dean had stopped paying any attention to the field after the first 10 minutes. Those green eyes had held his for most of their conversation, only looking away when Dean needed to hide his emotions.

Cas had felt a kinship with Dean, and a sense of belonging that was wholly unfamiliar to him. He had listened to his stories and understood from them the sort of person Dean was. He heard him talk about his younger brother with the pride of a parent, heard him speak of his father with an anger Cas didn’t even think Dean himself recognized. Dean was decent and proud, hardworking and fun-loving, lonely and devoted to family. The older Winchester brother was smart and funny and kind. And he had been punished by life much more often than he ever deserved.

Cas had stopped being merely attracted that day and had become infatuated. It had been so hard to work up the nerve to talk to Dean again. Part of him was still surprised he had done it. All of him still had trouble believing that Dean liked him back, that they were really in some sort of relationship that involved friendship and kissing and lots of time-spending.

He smiled to the empty room as he picked up his book. He began to read to pass the time until Dean’s return.

 

* * *

 

There wasn’t an opportunity to tell Cas about the accident when Dean brought Sam over, either. He could’ve made time, but Cas was still under the effects of painkillers and Dean knew he needed to have a clear head. So Dean held off again, hoping Cas would be off the pills in a couple days at most.

Dean got a kick out of how happy Sam was to visit Cas. He knew some of that happiness was just from getting to hang out with Dean - and part was just getting out of the house - but it was also due to Sam’s feelings toward Cas himself. Sam genuinely liked Cas and there was no greater endorsement in Dean’s eyes.

While the two of them talked, Dean took the opportunity to look around Cas’ room. For the first time, he noticed that Cas’ room, though full of books and assorted keepsakes, had no personal photographs in it at all. There were no pictures of his father or brothers, which wasn’t that surprising - but there were also no pictures of his mother or sister, and Dean could understand that less. Maybe Cas kept those somewhere more secure. He decided to ask Cas about it when they were alone again.

After about an hour, Sam got a call from Gabriel and stepped into the bathroom for some privacy. Dean had been sitting on the couch and had absently picked up the body language book. He stopped flipping the pages when Sam left, but he carried the book with him as he walked back over to the bed. He half sat, half leaned on the edge of the bed near Cas’ hip. He swooped down for a quick kiss, firm enough to make a popping sound, and came up grinning. Cas was flustered, but he was smiling, too.

“I’m glad you’re here, Dean. I still can’t believe…” Cas shook his head and didn’t finish. If he had just looked shy, Dean might have pressed, but there was sadness and something else, so he left it alone.

“So, hey, do you not like pictures or something?”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Well, there’s no, like, photos anywhere. Not of you, not of your family. Do you keep them in albums or something?” Dean immediately regretted asking when he saw the look on Cas’ face. “Cas, man, I’m sorry. Look, we don’t have to talk about it. I didn’t mean to pry or anything.”

Cas’ voice was barely a sound when he spoke. Dean had to strain to hear the words. “When my mom died, my father took all our photos of her. I tried to hide one, but he...he found it. He burned them all in the backyard.” Cas flicked his blue eyes up for a moment and Dean felt physically sick at the pain he saw in them. Cas shook his head as he stared down at the bedspread he was picking with his fingers. “I don’t take pictures anymore.”

Dean’s eyes filled with tears. He couldn’t imagine not only losing his mother, but also having every last image of her face taken away from him. Maybe John wasn’t the greatest father, but he’d never have done _that_. Dean hated Cas’ father in that moment, maybe more than he’d ever hated anyone except the man who had caused his mother’s death.

“I’m so sorry, Cas. I can’t even - that’s so…” Dean gave up and just hugged him. It was awkward from this side of the bed, since he was next to his broken arm, but he felt Cas melt into it. They sat together like that for several moments before Dean felt Cas shuffle as if he wanted to pull back. Dean pulled away.

“Sorry, your book was digging into my back. Thanks for...thanks.”

“Oh, sorry. But yeah, anytime. Hey, would it be ok if I borrowed this? I was reading while you were napping earlier and you’re right, it’s pretty interesting stuff.”

Cas got that same look he had had after the kiss, when he didn’t finish his sentence. He bit his lip and looked at Dean from the corner of his eye. He looked like he _wanted_ to say something, but wasn’t sure he had the courage or could muster it.

“What is it, Cas? Everything ok?”

“It’s fine. I just...I wanna tell you something, but...I’m a little scared.” He laughed and ran his hand through his hair. “It’s strange. Now that I have my memory back I’m both more and less nervous around you. I feel more comfortable telling you certain things, but at the same time, I feel like the stakes are higher now that I remember who you are.”

“Cas, I’m still just me. You can say anything you need to. I’m not gonna mock you or judge or whatever, ok? I _like_ you, Cas. If anything, I’m shocked you like me back.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “Don’t let’s start the argument again over who is better looking and more popular, Dean.”

“Wow, those pills sure make you cranky,” Dean said, half serious. Then his tone turned teasing. “You’re cute when you’re cranky, though.”

He followed this up with another kiss, much deeper than the last. It was gentle, but his tongue stroked Cas’ in a slow caress and it left them both breathless by the time they ended it. Dean once again wiped the moisture from Cas’ lower lip with his thumb. He enjoyed doing that. He listened to make sure Sam was still on the phone.

“What did you wanna tell me, Cas?”

“What I started to say earlier is that I still can’t believe I get to kiss you.”

“And here I am thinking the same thing,” Dean responded with a smirk.

“No, but Dean, I…” Cas pulled away, raking a hand through his mop of black hair. “I bought the body language book because...Ugh! Why is this so hard?” He sat up, shifted left then right, and finally settled back against the pillows again. To Dean it didn’t look like he was any more comfortable than when he’d started.

Cas sighed and started again. “I bought the book because...I couldn’t tell if you were interested or not, and I thought it would help me figure it out. That probably sounds stupid, but, well, that was the main reason I brought you here that day.” Cas smiled ruefully. “I didn’t expect you to be so bold once we got here, but I’m really glad you were.”

He rubbed his hands up and down his thighs. Then he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, obviously trying to calm himself. “Look, I’ve never...I’ve always been mildly attracted to girls and guys...and even to some transgender people I saw on the internet...but I’ve never actually been attracted enough to try to...be with a guy before.” He looked up at Dean through his lashes, as if trying to gauge whether or not Dean was going to laugh at him.

“Are you trying to tell me that I’m the first guy you’ve ever kissed?” Cas nodded. Dean didn’t know why it was so surprising, but he had just naturally assumed that the confident, uber-popular Cas was more experienced than Dean was himself. Sure, he hadn’t known the guy was into guys at all, until just before they’d kissed, but once he had found out, he’d thought - it didn’t matter. The fact was, Cas wasn’t as confident or experienced as Dean had assumed. Hadn’t he seen that in the hospital?

He realized belatedly that Cas was waiting for a reaction from him. Dean’s face slowly spread into a smile. “I’ve never kissed a guy before you, either, Cas. I think we need more practice.” He was met with an answering smile. Dean walked away long enough to tell Sam to stay in the bathroom for a while and then they were kissing again.

 

* * *

 

Dean wasn’t expecting the call from Gabe’s mom as he was just pulling out of the school parking lot that Wednesday. He was running late for work because he’d stopped to pick up Cas’ assignments for him. Cas had said his brothers could do it, but it was obvious they hadn’t so far, so Dean was glad he’d done it. His mind was elsewhere when the phone rang, so when she said it was Ms. Trixton, he was initially at a loss.

“Who?”

“Gabe’s mom? Is this a bad time?”

“Oh, right, sorry, my mind’s somewhere else. No, it’s fine, I’m just headed to work.”

“Sure, I understand. Um, listen I was calling because I had hoped maybe I could take Gabe and Sam out for ice cream after school?”

“Um, I guess. You don’t have to work?”

“No, I’ve actually got a rare afternoon off and...well, Sam said he should be the one to ask you, but I bullied him into letting me do it. Would that be all right with you, if I took him with us?” She didn’t wait for his answer before continuing. “Actually, since you’re working, I could just keep Sam until you get off, or even overnight, if you want.”

“Wow, um, yeah that’d be great. I’m sure Sam would love the ice cream and the chance to stay over and hang out with Gabe again. You’re sure it’s not a problem?”

She laughed and it made her sound younger. “Are you kidding? After you kept Gabe all weekend for me? This is the least I can do. I’ll pack him on the bus in the morning. Oh, shoot. He won’t have a change of clothes or anything.”

“Oh, that’s no problem, I can swing by with that after work on my way to...um…” Dean was a little hesitant to tell her who he was going to see. Cas obviously wasn’t like the rest of his family, but she might not be thrilled that her son’s new friend was still sort of connected to that bunch.

“It’s ok, Dean. Gabe told me you go visit with Castiel after work. He’s one of the good ones. I’ll miss that kid, actually. You tell him I said hello, ok?”

“Yeah, I’ll do that. And I guess I will see you about 5:30 or 6. You guys have fun.”

When he got to Bobby’s, everything was chaos. There were people everywhere and a giant truck of some kind was blocking the main drive. Dean headed into the front to find out what was going on. Bobby was just heading into the back when Dean walked in, so Dean called out to him.

“Dean! Man, one of those dipshit part-timers fucked up the friggin’ drain in the middle bay and the whole damn shop’s flooded with nasty-ass - Dammit, Garth, I said _go home_!” Bobby hurled a wadded up piece of paper after the scrawny part-timer. Dean suspected Bobby was blaming him for the current fiasco.

“So, what’s the deal, Bobby? Am I working or what?”

“Sorry, Dean, but we’re pretty much closed down for the night. Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of catch-up work so you can make up the hours tomorrow night. If you want Friday, you can probably have it, but most of these folks will either come back tomorrow or Saturday.”

Dean just nodded and walked out. He wasn’t too worried about losing the time. If Bobby said he’d be able to make up the money, he would. He was actually pretty stoked to have a night off. And since Sam was over at Gabe’s...he had his phone out and was calling Cas before he’d even gotten Baby started.

“Hey Cas, listen. How, uh, how’d you like to spend the night at my house tonight? I can cook dinner and we can watch movies and just hang out.”

“Yes, Dean, please! If I don’t get out of here soon, I am going to lose my mind. What time do you get off work?”

“Actually, it turns out I have the night off, so I can come over and get you now, if that’s cool.”

“ _Dean_.” The gravelly voice was practically oozing with impatience. “Come get me!”

So that’s exactly what he did. It was a slight ordeal getting Cas into his car again, but it was easier than the previous time. He explained on the way that he needed to stop by his house, then head over to the Trixton house to drop Sam off his clothes. He told Cas Ms. Trixton had said hello and made sure he was ok with tagging along to see her.

“As long as you don’t think she’ll mind, I’d enjoy seeing her. And Gabe. As far as I’m concerned, they’re still family.”

“I don’t think she will, but I’ll call her before we head out, ok?”

When they got to the Winchester house, Cas opted to stay in the car while Dean ran in and grabbed Sam’s overnight bag. Dean called Gabe’s mom while he was inside and she was happy to hear Cas was coming over. He belatedly felt a little guilty that she was keeping Sam even though he wasn’t working, but then he figured Sam and Gabe would’ve both been disappointed, so he stopped feeling bad about it.

When Dean walked back outside, Cas was sitting with his eyes closed, head leaning back against the headrest, smiling beatifically. Dean opened the car door to hear the sounds of Zeppelin streaming out of his speakers. Dean felt a warm fluttering sensation in his stomach and an ache in his chest. It was the same album he had played for Cas the day they’d kissed. And listening to it was making Cas smile like a blissed out pothead.

“You like my music, huh?”

Cas rolled his head toward him lazily, smile only dimming slightly. “Of course. This was the soundtrack to our first date.”

“That was _not_ a date, Angeles. I mean, you may have kissed me, but that’s just coz you’re easy.” He smirked saucily as he slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine.

“ _I’m_ easy? It’s not like I even had to buy you dinner to get you back to my _room_ , Winchester.” The toothy self-conscious grin Cas sported throughout the exchange was one of the most adorable things Dean had ever seen.

Dean grinned back. “Well, I plan on making you dinner tonight. Does that mean I’ll at least get to second base?” He winked as he threw the car in reverse and backed out into the street.

Cas laughed. “You wanna feel me up? Should I wear a bra?” He got two ticklish-spot-seeking fingers in his side for that from Dean, but that only made him laugh more.

“I wore a girl’s panties once,” Dean blurted and then froze, not knowing where the confession had come from or having any idea how Cas might take it. The youngest Angeles brother had fallen silent and Dean began to panic, cursing his stupid impulse.

He slowly turned his head to look at Cas and try to gauge his expression. Cas just stared back at him for a second - and then he started laughing harder than ever.

“Oh...my...d’you...have any... _idea_...how much...I’d _pay_...to see that?” he gasped out in between giggles. “Oh, wow, I bet you’d look…” he sobered suddenly, wearing his thinking face. He dropped his gaze to his hands, all trace of laughter wiped away. “Actually, I bet you’d look incredibly sexy.” The brunet’s voice had gone extra husky.

Dean nearly swallowed his tongue. He cleared his throat and told Cas, “Not half as sexy as you get when you’re embarrassed, I bet.”

Dean pulled up to a stop sign and checked all directions before pulling forward and speaking again. “You’re so different than I thought you were when we met, you know? I mean, in a good way, it’s just...I’m still not used to uber-popular, confident Castiel Angeles being shy, sweet Cas. I really like it, though,” he added, wanting to make sure Cas knew he wasn’t putting him down or trying to make him feel like he should act the other way.

“That guy you met at school? That’s just...it’s a part I play.”

Dean frowned. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

Cas sighed and looked out the window. “I learned a long time ago that I couldn’t act like myself around my brothers and their friends. So I just learned to act like them, instead.” He turned back toward Dean then. “I’m nervous around you because...I’m not acting. Not since...well, not since we got out of your car that day and walked into my house. You get to see the real me.”

Dean’s smile was wide and toothy. “Good. I like the real you, Cas.” They rode to the sound of Zeppelin for a few minutes before either spoke again. Dean was working up his nerve and trying to choose his words. “You know, we were supposed to have an actual date.”

“Oh? Oh! We were. That’s right. That Saturday.”

“Would you, uh, still like to go out with me sometime?”

Dean didn’t know why he was so nervous. The guy was already spending the night with him. But a date was more than kisses and hanging out. It was something more substantial. And, Dean realized, he still hadn’t told Cas the truth. Maybe he could have the date first, though. Maybe he could have that one night before it all had to go to shit. Surely he deserved that much? He was so lost in his thoughts he almost missed Cas’ answer.

“Of course, Dean. I’d love to.”

Cas smiled as he said it. Dean wanted to take that beautiful smile and hang it on his wall to look at every day. When he told Cas as much, Dean saw those blue eyes get red around the edges and for a moment he thought he’d said the wrong thing.

“Dean, that’s...do you have any idea how much...I just... _thank you, Dean_.” Dean didn’t know what Cas had been trying to say, but by the softness of his voice and eyes, it had all been good things. He just smiled back at him, saying nothing.

When they arrived at the Trixton house - a pretty stone place, much nicer than anywhere Sam and Dean had ever lived - Dean tried to help Cas out of the car. Cas refused, though, and made Dean hand him his crutch, instead.

“I need to learn to do it myself, Dean.”

“Fair enough. You want to put yourself in next time, too?” At Cas’ nod, Dean just said, “Ok, cool. You ready to go in now?”

Dean walked to the door at a normal pace, but waited for Cas to get there before he rang the bell. When Ms. Trixton answered the door, she drew Cas into a hug. It was awkward because of the crutch and cast, but no less warm for them. As she pulled away, he looked flustered but pleased. She stuck out her hand for Dean to shake.

“Dean, it’s so nice to meet you in person. Call me Andrea?”

Dean shook her hand and nodded. “It’s a pleasure, Andrea. Nice place,” he added as she stepped back and ushered them inside. The foyer opened up into a wide living room with a step down seating area and fireplace. Dean was in love with it on sight, and not just because of the giant leather sofa that looked as though it might hug you like an old friend if you sat on it. The boys were sitting on a throw rug in front of the hearth, playing some sort of board game.

“Thank you.” She wore a brief pained expression, there and gone, that made Dean curious, but he said nothing. “Gabby?” she called over her shoulder. “Will you take Sam’s bag and put it in your room, please?”

Gabe hopped up and ran over, saluting both Dean and Cas with his typical smirk on his face before grabbing the bag and pounding up the stairs.

“May I offer you something to drink? Sam, are you thirsty, sweetie?”

“Sounds good,” Dean said. Sam and Cas also said they would like something. “Tell you what, let me help Cas get off his feet and then I’ll help you with the drinks?”

“Thank you, that would be nice.”

Once Cas was situated, Dean followed Andrea through an archway into the kitchen and dining room. She went to the cabinet and started pulling down glasses, directing Dean to get the removable tray from the ice maker.

“If you’ll put ice in the glasses, I’ll pour the tea?” Dean nodded and started doing just that. “It’s nice that you were able to get a night off. Sam tells me it’s a rare thing.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t so great for my boss or the customers, I guess, but it is a nice change. Thanks for keeping Sam anyway. I didn’t really wanna disappoint him once you said he could stay.”

“Oh, no, don’t even worry about it. Like I said, I owe you. The last place I want Gabe is with his - ” She stopped herself mid-sentence with a shake of her head, lips pressed tightly together.

“His stepdad’s not a great guy, I take it? I mean, I guess that’s obvious or you wouldn’t be splitting up. Sorry, not my business. I run off at the mouth sometimes.”

Andrea eyed him for a moment, as if weighing something in her mind or perhaps sizing Dean up in some way.

“You weren’t overstepping, Dean. It’s fine. It would actually be nice to have someone to talk to about it.” She evidently caught the widening of his eyes because she said, “I mean, I wouldn’t want to burden you or anything! Sorry, I just, you’re the only other single parent, well kind of single parent, that I know and - “

“No, Andrea, please, it’s fine, really. I was just surprised you’d think of me as an equal, you know? But, I mean, I could use a fellow single parent to turn to myself.” He smiled and saw her relax. “I mean, I sort of have a friend who’s a single mom, but she’s older and she’s known me all my life so it’s different with her. It’s less advice and more just telling me what to do.” His grin was wry.

Andrea answered his grin, but then she groaned and rolled her eyes. “My goodness, I’d even take that, really. Actually it might be nice to have someone just tell me what to do so I don’t have to make any decisions. My parents are...well, they’re long gone from my life and I’ve been too busy being a mom and a wife to have much of a social life. Most of the time it’s just been me and Gabe. I had hoped Uri would be someone to share the burden, but…”

“Instead he just made it heavier? Yeah, I think I know a little something about that. That’s kind of how Sam and I ended up on our own.” Sensing she wanted to share more, but wasn’t sure if she should, Dean took a leap of faith. “My dad, he’s an alcoholic. He’s kind of an abusive dick, actually - when he bothered to stick around long enough, that is.”

Andrea looked at him sadly and nodded. “Uri, too. I’m not sure about the alcoholic part, but the abusive part absolutely. Not to me, even. I would have kicked him out the first time. No, instead, the bastard was…” She took a moment to compose herself. “He was hitting Gabe and I didn’t know, not for a long time. I know they took great pains to hide it from me, but I still feel like I should’ve _seen_ it, you know?”

Dean, all too familiar with guilt of that kind, nodded at her, but said, “It’s not your fault, Andrea. And I’m guessing that you kicked him out as soon as you did know?”

“Oh, you’d better believe it! But it took Gabe being…” This time she couldn’t stifle the sob that escaped her, but she held out one hand, the other clutching her chest as she took several deep breaths. “Uri had really and truly beaten him that time. He had gotten so out of control he no longer cared if I saw...Gabby’s whole face was...and his chest…” Her lip trembled and she pressed her fingers to it, eyes welling. She shook her head, as though to shake off the memory.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok now,” Dean soothed, brushing his hand down her arm. “Gabe’s safe, you got that asshole out. It’s gonna be ok.”

“Gabe used to...he used to...hurt himself. And I never knew why and he wouldn’t tell me. After he got beaten up the last time, once the secret was out, he did. Well. He said Uri was part of the reason, anyway. You know, I’ve known Uri forever. I never suspected he was…”

“A worthless dick?”

Andrea actually laughed a little at that, if a little bitterly. “Yeah. A worthless dick. The worst part, though? I think I know why Uri turned on Gabe the way he did. Because we were married for several years before he showed any signs, but after I - “

“Mom, did you have to import the tea leaves from Bangladesh? What’s the hold up?” Gabe called from the living room.

“Watch your tone, Gabe, we’ll be right there!” she called toward the living room. She frowned down at the slightly melted ice in the glasses. “Damn, I guess we have been in here a long time.” She glanced at Dean, worrying her lip with her teeth as she finished pouring the tea. “Could we maybe, I dunno, have coffee sometime? Or could I call you, anyway? I’d like to finish this conversation and hear more about your story, too.”

“Absolutely. You’ve got my number. Give me a call anytime.” He took a long swallow of tea, considering her questions. “If I’m in class or at work, just leave a message telling me a good time and I’ll call you back. Or we can get the boys together again like tonight, too.”

He set his glass down on the counter and picked it up with two others. “Here, let’s get these mongrels their drinks before they revolt.” Andrea managed a grin at his wink and the heaviness in the air abated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are so close to that moment everyone is waiting for. Just hang on a little bit longer and I'll put you out of your misery, I swear. Now speak to me, my lovelies. I needs it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean have a sleepover at Dean's. It doesn't go quite the way Dean intended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, some smut!  
> This is a _mostly_ happy chapter.  
>  ** _Trigger Warnings:_ Allusions to past rape/non-con sexual experience; some talk of canonical character death**

Cas had enjoyed seeing Andrea and Gabby again, as well as Sam, but he was happy when they got to Dean’s. He’d been curious for a long time about where Dean lived. Dean seemed embarrassed by it for some reason, but Cas thought it was great and he said so. The size of the house was modest, but it was about right for a family of 3. He personally felt a trickle of horror at the idea of three males and only one bathroom, but he knew many people lived that way.

He had not seen the bathroom, or the rest of the upstairs, yet because Dean decided it would be better to wait for that until they were almost ready for bed, since getting him up the stairs was going to be an adventure. Cas was glad Dean had insisted he use the facilities at Andrea’s to cut down on the chance he’d need to go upstairs for that.

“Do you want me to set you up on the couch while I make dinner? I don’t mind you being in the kitchen, but it won’t be very comfortable in there.”

Cas chewed his lip. His leg was bothering him a little, but he really didn’t want be alone and he wanted to see Dean cook. In the end, he ignored the pain and asked to sit in the kitchen. Dean set him up with his casted leg propped on another chair, which helped quite a bit.

“You mind if I play some music?”

Cas shook his head. He watched as Dean pulled an ancient radio away from the wall and flipped it on. The dial was apparently already set for a classic rock station and the volume was clearly set just where Dean liked it. Belatedly, Dean did ask if it was too loud for Cas, but he just shook his head again.

Dean had to come around the small island to grab something and Cas reached up and stroked a finger gently down his temple. “I’m glad your bruises are gone. Looking at them made me so angry and sad.”

Cas let out a nervous little squeak when Dean stepped away and, instead of heading back around the counter, walked around behind Cas and wrapped one arm around his chest, giving him a squeeze. He thought he felt lips press against the top of his head, but he wasn’t sure. Either way, he was left with what he supposed was a stupid smile on his face, but he didn’t mind. In fact, he rather liked it.

Cas found he really enjoyed watching Dean cook. There was a grace to the way Dean moved, and a confidence that was unlike his usual cockiness - which Cas suspected was as much for show as his own school persona was. Dean knew his way around this kitchen and he knew his way around the recipe he was preparing equally well. There was little hesitation throughout the process. He barely measured anything, choosing instead to just toss a handful of this and a pinch of that.

“Come on, Cas, talk to me while I work at least,” Dean said with a wink, as he stirred a pan full of a delicious-smelling sauce that was making Cas’ mouth water.

“Sorry, I’m just fascinated by watching you create. I’ve never cooked anything more complicated than toast and scrambled eggs, so this is impressive to me.”

Cas could actually see the effect his compliment had on his green-eyed friend. Dean’s shoulders went back and he stood a bit straighter, a smile ghosting the corners of his mouth.

Dean didn’t look up from his work as he said, “You know, I’ve cooked for Sam as long as I can remember.” He flicked a glance in Cas’ general direction before returning to the food he was chopping. “Dad, too when he was here, of course.” He stepped sideways to a cabinet and grabbed a spice so quickly it seemed like he’d done it without even looking. “But I never knew, until a couple weeks ago, that Sammy actually liked my cooking, you know? He just out of the blue says the other day, ‘Oh, I love when you make that!’”

Cas nodded, thinking how kind and thoughtful Dean’s little brother seemed to him, even before this latest bit of knowledge. “Sam’s a really good kid. I like him a lot.”

Dean turned a full wattage grin and bright green eyes fully on Cas for a moment, obviously pleased by Cas’ words. “He’s said a couple other things now, too.” Dean shrugged as he turned back to his chopping. “I don’t know why he’s suddenly started, but it’s nice to know he appreciates what I make, you know?”

The song on the radio changed and Dean’s eyes widened after the first couple of notes.

"Oh shit, it's my favorite song!" Dean wiped his hands on a towel and turned up the radio. He chuckled. "It's called 'Ramble On' but my dad wrote it down wrong on the tape, so for years I thought it was 'Ramblin' On'." Dean's grin was self-deprecating.

"It's Led Zeppelin, right?" Cas felt a warmth spread through his chest as Dean beamed at him for knowing and nodded.

"So, what are you making? It smells fantastic."

"It's a kind of chicken soup with coconut milk and bell peppers? I hope you like it. It's a recipe I made up a long time ago." Dean smiled absently as he tossed a few new things into the pot. "I'm also making some little appetizer things with a dipping sauce, since the soup will take a little while." He picked up something out of one pan and set it on a saucer with a spoonful of the sauce from another pan. He speared the item with a fork and swirled it thru the dipping sauce. "Here, try this. Blow on it first, though cause its pretty hot."

Cas did as instructed, then carefully caught the fried bit in his teeth and closed his lips around the fork. He was gratified to see Dean's eyes watching his mouth and then flick away as Dean licked his own lips. Those thoughts were swept away, however, as the flavors of the food reached his tongue.

"O'm'g'd'ean, 's'mazing!" he slurred around his mouthful.

"It's just fried cream cheese with jalapeño raspberry sauce," Dean told him with an indifferent shrug. The apathy was belied by the smug smile tugging at half his mouth.

"Well, it’s fucking awesome. More!" Cas demanded, grinning and slapping the table.

Dean laughed as he divvied up the rest and they ate in companionable silence, save for Cas' occasion sounds of pleasure. The first moan earned him such a lustful look from Dean that he made each subsequent noise, not only on purpose, but imbued with as much borderline sexuality as he dared. At least without being too transparent. He was gratified with his results when Dean quite obviously had to make an adjustment in his seat.

Unfortunately, Cas wasn't as good at hiding his self-satisfied smile at his little victory, and Dean noticed.

"Oh you little shit! You're doing that on purpose!"

Cas tried desperately for a look of doe-eyed innocence, but Dean only grinned wickedly and Cas knew he was in trouble. "Two can play that game," he warned - before dipping his fingers in sauce and licking them clean in a way Cas could only describe as obscene.

Cas' whispered "Shit" was practically involuntary, as all the blood he had rushed to the center of his body, leaving him all but brain dead.

Before he had a hope of catching his breath, Dean moved from just licking his fingers to actual sucking. The sexual-sounding moan Cas made then was all too real. When Dean took one of Cas’ fingers and drew it through the sauce, Cas no longer remembered _how_ to breathe. Then Dean took that finger into his mouth and sucked it, flicking it with his tongue at the same time. Cas gasped in just enough oxygen to let out a whine.

“You like that, huh?” Dean’s eyes were so dilated they were practically black and Cas suspected his own looked much the same. The tiny part of his brain that still retained some function was pleased to see that his lip lick was having a similar effect on Dean as the finger lick was having on Cas. Then that part ceased to function, too, as Dean drew the rest of Cas’ finger into his mouth, down to the bottom knuckle and sucked his way back off of it.

“Cas, you still have no idea, do you? How fucking hot you are?” Dean reached out and brushed his thumb against Cas’ bottom lip. He did it a lot and Cas loved it. Cas gave into an impulse and captured the thumb in his mouth, returning the ‘favor’ Dean had just done him by gently sucking it and swirling his tongue against the pad of it. He enjoyed the sound Dean made in his throat as he did it.

Dean removed his thumb and it made a small popping sound, since Cas was still sucking. Dean slid his hand behind Cas’ neck and Cas allowed himself to be drawn forward. Dean’s amazing lips pressed against his and Cas opened his mouth slightly so they sealed together perfectly. Dean’s tongue slid inside and found Cas’ own, caressing and stroking with breathtaking skill.

Cas’ leg being elevated meant his now-throbbing erection was trapped painfully by his jeans and he did his best to shift. He managed instead to bang his foot on the counter and send pain shooting up the whole leg. He jerked his head back and hissed in a sharp breath.

“Ow, shit, sorry, Dean. Fuck, that really hurts.” He saw Dean’s frown and hurriedly said, “Sorry I killed the mood.”

“What? No, man, I’m just...Fuck, I’m just so sorry about your leg.” His expression was as pained as if it was his own broken foot that had taken the hit.

“It’s not your fault that I hit it.” Cas saw the look of misery that crossed Dean’s face, possibly confirming what he’d suspected for a couple of days now. He teased, “Well, I mean, it kind of is because if you hadn’t gotten me so turned on, I wouldn’t have been trying to move my leg to give my poor hardon more space.”

That actually got a laugh out of Dean and Cas relaxed again. The pain in his leg was easing up again, too.

“How soon will the soup be ready?”

“Why, Cas? Did you wanna fool around till it’s done?” Cas enjoyed the accompanying eyebrow wiggle probably more than he should’ve.

Cas tried for a stern expression as he responded, “I don’t think we should do that on an empty stomach.” Then he tried for a more suggestive look, but he wasn’t sure he succeeded. “Wouldn’t want you to get worn out.”

Dean responded by kissing him senseless again, though more briefly than he had before. His, “I need to stir the soup,” was gruff as he pulled away and went back to the stove without making eye contact. Cas was pleased to find Dean was not unaffected. Whether or not he was as aroused by their kissing as Cas was himself, Castiel couldn’t say.

“Wanna taste?” Cas nodded and Dean grabbed a large metal spoon, dipping it into the ladle. The spoonful he held out to Cas was mostly white, but there were small bits of things both colorful and pale floating in it, too.

Cas blew on it without being told, then closed his mouth over the spoon. The flavors that burst over his tongue were unlike anything he’d ever tried before. “Dean, that is...wow. That’s the best soup I’ve ever tasted.” Castiel wasn’t exaggerating, either. He was suddenly ravenous, hor d'oeuvres or not. He saw Dean search his face for any sign he was lying.

Evidently he was satisfied at the veracity of Cas’ words because his face split into a wide grin, eyes shiny and soft. “Thanks, Cas.” His voice was only a breath. He cleared his throat to end the moment and moved to get bowls from the cabinet. “I think it’s ready. You hungry?”

“Starving.”

Dean dished up the soup and carefully placed one bowl in front of Cas and another at his own place. Before he sat down at his own seat, he checked to make sure Cas was comfortable. Dean helped Castiel adjust his casted leg and then they sat down to eat. Cas felt a little self-conscious as he dipped his head, eyes closed, to say a quick blessing, but Dean said nothing.

They ate in companionable silence. Cas’ original opinion of the soup only strengthened the more he ate of it. There were subtle variations in flavor in each bite and he was soon seeing the bottom of his bowl. Dean was only too happy to give him a second helping. Cas could see that pride had Dean’s shoulders held up and back and his chin was tilted up more than normal. Castiel was glad he had been honest and effusive with his praise. He had a feeling Dean wasn’t much more used to compliments than he was himself - and he was all too happy to provide them.

“I feel bad not helping,” Cas said to Dean as he started cleaning up and putting away the leftovers. “I mean, I know I can’t, but it still doesn’t feel right, letting you do all the work.”

“It’s cool, Cas, I don’t mind.” He looked up from ladling soup into a container and smiled. “Anyway, once you’re healed, I’ll let you pamper me for a few weeks, how’s that sound?” He winked at Cas, but when he dropped his head, Cas would have sworn his face fell.

“Does that mean you plan on sticking around a while, then?” Castiel asked hopefully.

“I’d like to,” Dean replied. “As long as you’ll let me.”

The air felt heavy with a tension Cas wasn’t entirely sure he understood, but he thought he might. He wanted to dispel it as quickly as possible. It was stifling. So he did the only thing he knew was likely to work. He shrugged and said, “Well, I guess that depends on how good you are at fooling around.”

Dean’s face didn’t alter for a second, but then his eyes narrowed, his eyebrows raised and the corner of his mouth twitched. “Is that a _challenge_ , Angeles?”

“Help me upstairs and let’s find out.”

“You sure you wouldn’t rather just go to the couch?”

Cas shook his head. “Upstairs,” he insisted. Because he knew he wasn’t completely joking about maybe making out to wear them both to exhaustion - and while he’d love nothing better than to sleep next to Dean, he did not want to share a narrow couch with him while sporting two casts. He also remembered what Dean said before about sleepovers being better on a real bed and he definitely wanted to try that out.

Dean hurried to comply, but it wasn’t an easy task. Just as Cas was limited to the one crutch by his broken arm, so was his ability to just grab the railing and hop up the stairs on one foot. So Dean had to get under his arm and basically be his crutch. It was a slow, taxing process. They basically had to stop and catch their breath every few steps. Castiel counted 20 more to go. He didn’t mind. He took each break as an opportunity to lean into Dean.

“Sorry, man, I really didn’t think this through when I invited you over.”

“I don’t mind. It’s worth it.” He gave Dean one of his full-wattage smiles. Having Dean this close was definitely worth the physical effort of hoisting his not-inconsiderable weight up the stairs.

“You’re slender, but you’re pretty dense. Do you work out or something?” Dean rolled his eyes. “I swear that isn’t the cheesy come-on line it sounds like. I just mean you’re…”

“Heavier than I look?” Dean nodded. “I run. Or, I did before I broke my leg. Not track or anything, just by myself. It’s cathartic.” He smirked. “It’s also a great excuse to get out of the house and away from my brothers, and a way to keep them off my case about trying out for sports.”

“They didn’t make you try out for track?”

“Oh, I did try out.” His smile was sly as he looked at Dean sideways. “I was, uh...’too slow’.”

Cas loved the belly laugh that earned him from Dean. He thought he could listen to nothing else for the next 6 months and be happy.

“Yeah, I’ll just bet you were. Too quick, more like.” He smirked at Cas. “You’re kind of devious, aren’t you? I guess I’d better keep that in mind.”

Cas tried one of Dean’s eyebrow wiggles, but it didn’t seem to work. His forehead just felt weird. It still made Dean laugh again, though, and that was all that mattered.

Dean did the eyebrow thing himself. “Is that more like what you were going for? Man, we haven’t even been together that long and already you’re trying to steal my moves.” Castiel knew by the squeeze of Dean’s arm around him that he was teasing.

They started moving again. When Dean lifted Cas’ shirt up without warning, Cas thought the noise he made might best be described as a yip, though he wasn’t proud of that. “Dean! What are you doing?”

“I was just checking to see if you were hiding weights under there, dude. I swear you’re getting heavier.”

Cas scoffed. “We’ve only got 3 steps to go. Surely your weak little muscles can handle that much further?” His grin earned him a kiss that had him a little worried about pitching backwards down the stairs. He turned his face away when he could take no more. “You win. Dean big, tough, strong. Just...lemme breathe.”

Dean muttered, “Damn right ‘big tough strong’,” but he was smiling as he hefted Cas up the final steps. “Do you, uh, need the bathroom? Or do you wanna rest first?”

“I’d better go now, I guess. If you’ll bring me my crutch and tell me where the bathroom is, I can make it on my own.”

Cas leaned against the wall, while Dean sprinted down the stairs, bringing back not only the crutch, but also Cas’ overnight bag. Dean pointed him to the door at the right end of the hallway and then stepped around him to open the door to a bedroom and toss the bag inside it. Dean immediately came back to his side, before he’d even gotten 3 steps. He wasn’t touching him, but he was standing close enough that Cas could feel the heat from his skin.

“Dean, you’re hovering.” Cas was annoyed by it, even though he sort of understood.

“I’m not!”

The lie tipped Cas from annoyed into sort of angry. “Dean, I told you, I have to learn to do this for myself. You think my asshole brothers are going to help me around when I get home? Because I can assure you, they’re not. I’ve taken care of myself most of my life and just because we’re together doesn’t mean I want that to stop.”

“Ok, I was...I was hovering, all right? But it wasn’t...it’s not for the reason you think.”

“I _know_ it’s because you don’t think I can do this by myself or maybe you just think that I _shouldn’t_ do this by myself.”

“I swear that’s not it.” When Cas just looked at him with raised eyebrows, Dean blushed a little and scrubbed a hand through his hair, unable to meet Cas’ eyes. Finally, he admitted, “I just...I like being close to you. I liked...having you leaning on me. It was nice.”

Cas sighed, all anger melting out of him. He supposed he’d have plenty of time to be independent at home. Hadn’t he just said as much? He held out his crutch to Dean until he took it, then he reached up his arm and gestured for Dean to step under it.

“Bring my crutch, so I can move in the bathroom, though. You are _not_ coming in with me.” He thought the grin on Dean’s face was probably worth a little sacrifice of independence.

It took him a while once he was in the bathroom, since he had to finagle the waist of his pants, the opening of his boxer briefs and his penis all with the wrong hand. He finally managed, though, and also managed not to fall head first into the toilet when he leaned over on one leg to flush it.

When he finally came out of the bathroom, Dean was standing against the wall a few feet from the door. He turned those green eyes on Cas and Cas thought again how beautiful they were. He could stare at them all day and not just because of the color. He noticed, though, that they weren’t smiling along with Dean’s mouth right now. If anything, there was something like fear in them and Cas was immediately worried.

“There’s, uh...there’s a tv in my da- well, in the big room up here. If you, um, wanna watch something?”

Cas had assumed Dean would be in a rush to get to the making out, so the question threw him a little bit. Dean was not at all the cocky, horny boy he’d been when Cas went into the bathroom and Cas didn’t understand it.

“Um, that’s...Dean are you all right?”

“What? Sure, yeah, I’m fine. So, you wanna watch tv?”

“Dean, a few minutes ago, you couldn’t get me up here fast enough to make out. Now it seems like you really don’t want to. And that’s fine, but...what happened?”

 

* * *

 

Why did Cas have to go to the damn bathroom and leave Dean out here with his thoughts? Because Dean had been 100% on board with making out and getting at least a base hit if not a double. He suspected neither of them was ready for a home run yet...Not that he was even sure, except for home, what the bases _were_ when it was a guy, but still. He had been ready to find out. More than ready.

Then he had thought about Cas and his casts and his crutch and how everything Cas was going through right now was Dean’s fault. And Cas still didn’t know that. And Dean couldn’t tell him. Not tonight. Not when everything had been so good. He would tell him, absolutely, the next time he went over to Cas’ house. Tomorrow night, in fact...but not tonight. He couldn’t tonight.

But he also couldn’t, in good conscience, do anything more sexual than kissing, when there was still such a big lie between them. The kisses had started before the accident, so he didn’t feel too bad about those. But anything else, awesome as he knew it would be...it just wasn’t right. It wasn’t ok. He couldn’t.

So he either had to tell Cas now and ruin the good evening they were having, and probably have to help him back downstairs and into the car and drive him home, or he had to shut down his raging hormones and stick to kissing. He really, really wanted to choose option two, but that presented a problem. A problem he had not yet worked out by the time Cas came out of the bathroom.

“Dean, a few minutes ago, you couldn’t get me up here fast enough to make out. Now it seems like you really don’t want to. And that’s fine, but...what happened?” And that was the problem right there, the very thing Cas asked. How did he explain to Cas why he didn’t wanna make out anymore, without telling him the truth?

Then Dean was struck with an idea for an answer that he thought would probably work because it happened to be based in truth. It wasn’t the real reason, but it was close enough that he didn’t need to feel like a shit for lying to Cas yet again. He took a deep breath and let it out with a heavy sigh.

“I was really into it, you’re right. And I do want to make out with you and all of that stuff, but...I started thinking about everything...all the, you know, _things_ …” His blush was certainly real enough as he said, “Like, you know, where it might lead. Like, to, you know...an-anal and, I just...I can’t…”

Cas paled at Dean’s words. “Dean, I’m not even close to ready for…” His blue eyes got wider, but he didn’t finish the sentence. “I just...we can just stick to kissing and - and the stuff we’ve been doing. You seemed like you wanted to try more and so I was on board, but I mean, you’re the first guy I’ve ever even kissed, so...I’m cool with going slow, ok?”

Cas had come close enough to put his hand on Dean’s shoulder at the end. He looked really concerned and Dean felt guilty again. Despite his answer being mostly truthful - he was nervous about all of that - he wasn’t a virgin. Of course, he reflected as he thought back on his limited number of sexual encounters, he wasn’t exactly Mr. Debonair Suave experienced, either. And yeah, as much as he wanted Cas, the idea of naked touching him was a little daunting. What if Cas didn’t like the things he did? What if Dean turned him off sex with guys completely by being terrible?

Before he could launch into a full blown panic attack, he forced a grateful smile and put his hand over Cas’ on his shoulder. “Thanks, Castiel. So...tv? Or do you wanna kiss some more?” His flirty smile felt more natural on his face. He realized then that he didn’t care which option Cas picked because he was just happy to get to spend time with him.

Cas looked relieved that Dean seemed back to normal. “How about we kiss with the tv on?” He was smiling again, too now. “That way, we’re less likely to get carried away, right?”

So they moved into what had been Dean’s father’s room. There were no personal items left on any surface. Dean supposed there were probably clothes in the closet, but he decided he might move into this room. It was much bigger than his own, plus it had the tv and cable hook up in it. His mind tried to get off track by thinking about that and about how once he turned 18 he needed to get the bills that he could into his name, but he shook off those thoughts and helped Cas onto the bed.

He gave him both pillows and ran to his room to get one for himself. He grabbed Sam’s pillow for Cas’ leg, which pleased the brunet more than Dean expected, when he got back. He flipped on the tv and found that one of the Star Wars movies was on. It wasn’t on a premium channel, so it had commercial interruptions, but he didn’t mind. He hopped up on the bed, laying the remote on the night table. Then he looked at Cas and smiled.

“Ever seen this?” Cas shook his head. “It’s not the best one, but it’s not bad.” Cas just looked at him and nodded, all blue eyes and expectation. Dean felt a tug in his chest. Dean smiled at Cas and hoped none of the underlying sadness showed through.

“I really, really like you, Cas.” He felt vulnerable as soon as he said it, so he had to drop his eyes and try to cover with a joke. “Not just cause you’re a pretty awesome kisser, either, but it helps.” He lifted his eyes, intending to waggle his eyebrows, but the look on Cas’ face was too open, too sincere. So instead, he found his eyes softening and the side of his mouth lifting in a happy, fond smile.

“I really, really like you, too, Dean.”

Dean wanted to lean in for a kiss, but he realized he had put Cas on the far side of the bed, meaning his broken arm was between them. He couldn’t lean on that one, so turning toward each other to kiss as Dean had intended was not possible. Rather than re-situate the bed, Dean decided the best option - though it would make that whole “going slow” decision a littler harder - was to straddle Cas lap and just let him rest his back against the headboard.

“Is this...o-ok?”

Instead of answering, Cas used his good hand to draw Dean’s head forward. The kiss was everything Dean wanted and nothing he thought he deserved, but damned if he wasn’t going to take it and enjoy it for all it was worth. It wasn’t the kind of kiss meant to arouse. It was exploratory but tender and filled with a yearning for connection. This wasn’t just about sex, from either side. This was about a life-long need to be cared for, to be understood, to give and receive affection.

Then Dean shifted a little to get more comfortable and the kiss changed, as soon as he accidentally brushed against Cas’ cock with his own. Now the kiss was more urgent, more insistent. It was filled with need now and hunger. Dean’s eyes flew open when he felt Cas teeth on his lower lip, but he liked it and he only kissed back harder.

Cas’ hands were roaming all over him, even the one on the broken arm. They made the journey from hair to hips and back over and over, taking different paths each time. Sometimes they moved in sync, sometimes in opposite directions, sometimes erratically. Dean couldn’t find it in himself to slow things down when Cas’ hips started rolling up into his, grinding their erections together. Some dim part of him tried to remember why he probably should, but it was driven away by the next slow roll of Cas’ hips which was accompanied by a breathy groan.

Dean’s mouth traveled away from Cas’, across his cheek and down his neck. He flicked his tongue in the little hollow at the base of Cas’ throat, eliciting a new but no less erotic noise from him. He nipped and sucked, not nearly hard enough to leave a hickey, but enough to make Cas rut up against him even more frantically.

Dean couldn’t quite stop himself from starting to roll his own hips. He thought he could probably come just like this and most parts of him were really ok with trying. He had dry humped before, but it hadn’t been like this. Those other times had been substitutes for what he couldn’t have, but this felt like enough all on its own.

The guilt started flickering in what was left of his brain then and his hips faltered. Before he could bring himself to stop, though, Cas whispered, “Please, Dean, I’m so close,” in a wrecked and broken voice. Dean couldn’t refuse his plea when it matched what he so badly wanted himself. So instead of stopping like he maybe should’ve, he found himself bearing down harder into the next grind, rolling his hips faster.

He slid his tongue deeply into Cas’ mouth and back out, several times, almost simulating sex. Cas moaned into his mouth and Dean pulled out of the kiss, dragging his teeth against Cas’s lower lip as he did. He saw unfocused eyes that had lost most of their blue iris to black, flushed pink cheeks and a pair of swollen, wet lips.

“Come, Cas. I wanna - “

He didn’t get to finish his sentence because Cas obeyed, staring Dean straight in the eye until the intensity of his orgasm forced his eyes closed. The sound of his name, ripped from Cas’ lips as a hoarse groan, sent Dean over the edge himself. “Cas!” he begged against the other boys’ neck, for what he didn’t know. Forgiveness maybe, or deliverance.

They sat like that for a few minutes, brains turned down to basic functions only, breathing ragged, but gradually returning to normal, sweat on their brows mingling as they pressed their foreheads together. They kissed gently, almost without realizing they were doing it. Eventually they came out of the fog and smiled at each other.

As soon as Dean shifted, he realized they both needed a change of clothes pretty urgently. He doubted Cas had brought more than one extra set. Because of the cast, Castiel was wearing a pair of baggy sweats with the elastic of one leg removed. Dean figured he’d be able to make due overnight with a pair of loose-fitting swim trunks, though. An explosion noise from the tv startled him from his thoughts then and he laughed.

“Guess that whole distraction thing didn’t work, huh?” He rubbed Cas’ jaw with this thumb affectionately. “Lemme go get you a wash cloth to clean up with and some clean clothes to change into, ok? Be right back.”

He ran downstairs first and grabbed a couple bottles of water. He took one and gave it to Cas before heading back to get the clothes. Cas smiled gratefully and had already chugged half of it before Dean got back out of the room. Dean could not stop to think about how hot the boy was drinking from a water bottle. It was ridiculous.

Dean had some trouble finding his swim trunks, and he really didn’t have any other shorts or sweats big enough, so he decided to try to find something in what had been his father’s room. Cas looked up expectantly when Dean came back, but Dean quickly explained the problem and set the two pair of underwear and his own pair of pants on the bed. Dean still hadn’t changed either and it was getting unpleasant.

“Sorry, man, I know it doesn’t feel great. I’m trying, believe me.”

Dean went into his dad’s closet and pulled the chain to turn on the light. Then he quickly started shifting clothes around, looking for something that would work. He finally found a pair of swim trunks lying on the bottom. When he went to pull the chain again, he noticed a box on the top shelf. The word “Mary” was scrawled on the side in his father’s handwriting.

His heart started to thud. He hadn’t been allowed in his father’s closet before, so he’d never known the box was there. He was torn between excitement at the possibility of learning something new about his mother, and hurt that his father had left the box here when he had gone. Obviously, John had a new woman in his life, but that didn’t make Dean feel any better about knowing that John had now abandoned memories of his mother. Her death had caused John to become the poor excuse for a father that he was and now he’d just forgotten her? It was somehow worse than his obsession had been.

Dean slowly stepped back from the closet and closed the door slowly, trying to rein in his emotions before he turned around. He took his pair of underwear and pants and set them to the side, offering Cas’ up to him.

“I’ll go get you that cloth now.” He took his time getting two cloths wet and bringing them back to the room. “Do you, uh, need help? Or would you rather try to do this all on your own?”

“Actually, if you could help me off with the pants before you go? I think I can manage the rest on my own.”

So Dean helped him get the sweats over his hips and down the cast until he was able to remove them. Cas blushed when he looked down and saw the stain on his brightly colored briefs, attempting to hide it from view with his arm cast.

Dean just smiled and bent down to kiss Cas on the forehead. Then he stripped off his own pants and said, “You don’t need to be embarrassed, Cas. I’ve got one, too, see?”

He set one wet cloth down next to Cas. He grabbed up his dirty clothes and Cas’ pants in one hand and the other cloth and clean clothes in the other.

“Here, I’ll get out of your way. I’ll be right outside, so if you need help, just yell.”

Once he pulled the door to behind him, he tossed the dirty clothes on the floor in a pile and stripped off his underwear to add to them. He cleaned himself up with the wet rag and tossed it on the pile as well. As he pulled on his boxer briefs he couldn’t help but feel a bit of a possessive thrill knowing that Cas was going to be wearing a similar pair, that his most private parts would covered by something of Dean’s. Something that had already covered Dean’s most private parts - and would again.

The guilt started to flare up again as he pulled his pants on, but it was pushed aside as the image of that box labeled “Mary” flashed in his mind. He wasn’t sure what could be in the box. It might be love letters between his parents, or information about her death, or it might be pictures of her he had never seen. He knew there was only one way to find out, though, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to wait for Cas to be gone to find out. He was all dressed now and stood waiting outside the door.

“You ok in there, Cas?”

“Yes! Almost done!” came the muffled reply. “Ok, come on in.”

Dean stepped in and walked over to take the soiled items from Cas. Castiel had thoughtfully wrapped the cloth in the underwear and held them up to Dean by the band so that he could take them without accidentally getting anything on his hand. Dean smiled at him as he took the bundle.

“Let me run all the clothes down to the washer and I’ll be right back, ok?”

When Dean got back to the room, Cas was watching the movie, head tilted to the side and eyes squinted in that way he had. When he realized Dean was back, though, he turned and his face broke into a bright smile.

“Thanks for taking care of the clothes and everything.” He looked at the tv for a second and said, “It’s kind of second nature to you, isn’t it?” When those blue eyes turned back to him, Dean felt like they were seeing straight inside his head. “Taking care of people? You need to nurture, I think.”

If Dean had thought the eyes were piercing, it was nothing compared to Cas’ words. He didn’t like delving into his psyche too deeply because there was usually something in there that hurt. Instead of answering, he just gave a half smile and shrugged, climbing onto the bed.

He asked Cas to sit forward for a second and then removed the pillows from behind him. Dean replaced the pillows with his body, sliding a leg behind and around Cas’ hips. He put the pillows behind his own back. He drew Cas back against his chest and pressed his face against his hair, breathing deeply. Cas hummed with pleasure and Dean could feel it against his palms, which he had left on Castiel’s midsection.

They sat together that way for a while, not speaking. One or the other would occasionally drop a gentle kiss to a hand or an ear, would stroke a finger or a palm against a leg or a cheek, but no words were spoken. Dean slid his head down beside Cas’ face and pressed their cheeks together. He brushed his lips against the corner of his jaw and nuzzled his earlobe with his nose. Cas traced the lines of Dean’s hand with his fingertip and gently kneaded the muscles of his left thigh.

Dean didn’t know if Cas was paying any attention to the movie, but he wasn’t. He was trying to concentrate only on the feel of Cas and it was successful to a point, but he couldn’t keep thoughts of that box from flashing into his head during quiet moments.

His mother’s death had been a pivotal moment in his life for more than one reason. Besides the obvious fact that he’d lost his mother, it had changed his life in so many other ways. John had changed so much that he and Sam had effectively lost him, too, though it had taken longer. He had become Sammy’s caretaker. He had gone from being beloved and protected to being alone and forgotten. He had lost the only home he’d ever known and been forced on the road, for reasons he still didn’t understand.

There might not be anything in that box that would help him understand any of it, but then again, there might be something in that box that could help him come to terms, after all these years. He tried to remember her face and he sort of did. Mostly he remembered what her face looked like in Sam’s picture and that made him sad. Then he remembered that Cas didn’t even have pictures of his mom and he felt even worse. Without meaning to he let a heavy sigh escape him.

Cas tilted his head backward so that he was looking up at Dean, eyes curious. “Dean?” Then he registered the look on Dean’s face, apparently because his brow furrowed with concern and he asked, “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Dean gave him a reassuring squeeze. “It’s not really anything bad, it’s just...I found a box in my dad’s...in the closet. It’s got my mom’s name on it and I can’t stop thinking about it. About what might be in it.”

“Then you should open it and find out.”

“Are you sure? Because I was thinking that it might have pictures in it and…you know, with you not having any...I didn't want...” Dean shrugged, not quite able to articulate his thought process.

Cas’ eyes widened to a degree that might have been comical under different circumstances. Then they softened and his smile was sad and fond at the same time. “Dean, I appreciate your concern, but just because I can’t have pictures of my mother, that doesn’t mean I don’t hope you find some of yours.” He squeezed Dean’s hand and Dean took a fair amount of comfort from it. “Open it, if you want. I really don’t mind.”

But in that moment, Dean realized he didn’t want to open it. Not tonight. Not when he had Cas, maybe for the last time. He’d open the box tomorrow night, after he’d told Cas the truth. He hugged Cas tighter and shook his head.

“No, I think I’ll wait. Tonight is for spending time with you. There’ll be plenty of time to open that box later, when you’re not here.” Dean smiled at Castiel, trying not to let any of the sadness he felt show.

Cas pulled Dean in for a lingering kiss. Dean was tempted to lose himself in it, but he didn’t want to get carried away again. Cas seemed to be content to let it stay tender, too. It only lasted a minute or two before they both pulled back, ending it with a few gentle pecks.

“I’m really glad you decided you were ready for more than just kissing,” Cas said with a shy smile. “That was…”

“Fucking awesome? Yeah, it was,” Dean said with a cocky grin. “Shit, Cas, I’ve had actual _sex_ sex that wasn’t that good. How about you?”

Cas looked embarrassed and turned away, his whole body tensing slightly against Dean’s. He plucked nervously at a loose thread on the blanket. Dean wasn’t sure whether Cas was going to speak or not, but he gently rubbed his shoulders to try to soothe him. He wasn’t sure why what he had said upset Cas, but it obviously had.

After a full minute, Castiel still hadn’t said anything, so Dean broke the silence. “Cas? You all right? Where’d you go?” He stroked his hands up and down Cas’ upper arms as he spoke. He tried to look down and around into Cas’ face, but he couldn’t get blue eyes to meet his.

When he’d almost given up on getting an answer, Cas finally spoke. “It’s just...the sex I had before was really terrible. Like, I don’t even like to think about it. I…” Dean could feel the tension in Cas’ back and arms spike up even higher. “I didn’t want it and I didn’t...I didn’t finish. I tell people I’m not a virgin because technically it’s true...but I don’t really count it as my first time.” He finally met Dean’s eyes then and his blue eyes showed a gut-twisting combination of fear, anger and disgust that Dean could hardly bear.

“Tell me what happened, Cas. Please?”

Cas heaved a deep sigh. “Do you know Meg Masters? From school?” Dean nodded. “She used to have a sister, April Kelly. We dated for a while and it...didn’t end well. It’s a really long story...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I _know_. You wanna know what happens next. And you will, very soon. But not yet. Just bask in the glow of the flirting and smut for now. The next chapter is going to be a rough one. Going to try to post it tomorrow, if I can get it edited.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas reveals his traumatic past sexual experience. Dean tells Cas a story of his own.  
> Then Cas gets drunk and the tables get turned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, kiddos, this is the chapter where one of the worst tags applies (Rape/Non-Con). I have tried to make it easy for anyone who needs to skip that part (see below, in warnings) - apologies if it breaks up the flow of the story too much, but I felt it was important.
> 
> This is a story-heavy chapter, with a lot going on. 
> 
> **_Trigger Warnings:_ Explicit depiction of past Rape/Non-con ** (Cas/April) - I have made it so you can skip this, if you need/wish. Once you get to the part that says "TRIGGER WARNING" just do a ctrl+F find for the word "BADONK" and skip to below BADONK (if you're on a phone or don't have ctrl+F, I have tried to make the BADONK easy to find visually; shortly after that there is discussion of sex with **Dom/Sub; forced feminization; underage drinking/alcohol as a coping mechanism; Major character injury (yes again)**

What happened with April wasn’t something that bothered him all the time, but it had been a really bad episode in his life.  As Cas started telling Dean, sometimes he was aware that he was in Dean’s house speaking to him, but other times, he was in the past, reliving the events. He tried his best to stay focused and just tell the story. He didn’t want to get lost in the memories and end up crying or anything stupid like that.

Castiel had been nearly 16 when he had met April. She had come up to him one day and struck up a conversation. It wasn’t long before he realized that she was flirting with him. She wasn’t even trying to be subtle about it.

“She wasn’t shy, that’s for sure. She wasn’t overtly sexual or anything. She was just really forward and aggressive. At first, I kind of liked that about her. Since I’m so shy and unsure of myself, that helps, you know?”

Castiel had soon found he and April seemed to have a lot in common. She started finding him during his lunch breaks and between classes. She’d call him after school and talk to him for hours on the subjects he was interested in. He felt like they were connecting in a way he usually didn’t.

“Then she kissed me one day when we were hanging out. It was fine, but it didn’t…” Cas actually managed a genuine laugh and a smile in Dean’s direction. “It was nothing at all like kissing you, that’s for sure.”

He grew uncomfortable again. “I was never...I think I mentioned this before, but...I used to think something was wrong with me. My sex drive just...it’s usually not like other people’s. I’ve never been...I’ve found all different kinds of people attractive, but...as far as actually wanting to have sex?”

Cas adjusted himself on the bed, awkwardly. He shook his head. “Dean, the way I am with you...this is all new to me. I’ve never had this kind of physical response to anyone else.” Dean reached out and stroked his fingers down Cas’ cheek, smiling softly.

Cas certainly hadn’t had a physical response like this to April. She had seemed nice and they had many things in common, but she did not interest him sexually. She was very pretty and by any standards she had a nice body. Most teenage guys probably would have been interested in her in that way. Castiel wasn’t.

She seemed ok with that at first, telling him maybe he just needed more time to get used to being around her. He was so desperate to feel normal, that he let himself believe maybe that was the case. Cas had kept on letting her kiss him, though he never instigated any himself. He would let her put his hands on her breasts and he thought they were nice enough to touch.

“But, nothing ever happened below the waist when we kissed or touched. If I looked at her objectively, I knew she was attractive. And given our relationship, I knew there was chemistry. It just didn’t translate into wanting to have sex with her.”

Cas shifted again, but couldn’t find a comfortable spot. Dean gently scooted them down the bed and over onto their left sides until they were spooning. He murmured a thanks as Dean pressed a kiss to his temple.

“That was really how it was with any of the other girls I had kissed. I had dated and I’d kissed several girls and it was always...nice? But it never turned me on very much. Sometimes there was a small spark of something and I kept dating those girls a little longer, but in the end, nothing much ever happened.”

He sighed. “With April, though, I kept trying because...well, she was so persistent, for one thing. But also, she and I seemed to have this great mental connection. Our conversations were always interesting and I looked forward to talking to her everyday.”

He started getting tense again and willed himself to relax against Dean. It wasn’t working very well until Dean started massaging his arm and leg. Castiel leaned into the touch, soaking up the affection and letting it wash the unclean feeling off him as he lived through the next part of the story in his head.

April had become more than persistent. She had stopped being patient and started being demanding. Instead of putting his hands on her breasts when she kissed him, she was shoving one up her skirt or down her pants. He was never interested in going further himself, but he let her grind on his hand till she got her own pleasure, hoping that would be enough for her.

“It probably sounds fucked up now, but I genuinely liked her, Dean. I wanted our relationship to work. I wanted to try to have something normal. My hindsight is probably coloring the story-telling, but at the time, I didn’t see her aggression for what it was. I just thought she was very attracted to me. Since I’d never felt that, I just assumed that’s what it was like for someone.”

* * *

 

**TRIGGER WARNING**

* * *

 

Then came the night that she had taken him to her house and shoved her hand down _his_ pants. She managed to get him hard after a few minutes. “Because that is what genitalia is designed for, after all. I mean, I could always jack off, even though it was rare and not all that satisfying, I could make it happen when I needed the release.”

But her touch didn’t feel right to Castiel. For the first time, he felt something _off_ from her. For the first time, he thought maybe it was not arousal that drove her movements. Even as he let her work off his pants and underwear and even though she pleasured herself with her hand while she stroked him, he started to feel like something wasn’t right.

“Once I realized that, I started asking her over and over again to stop. By then, she was sitting on my legs and had my arms pinned, though. So short of throwing her off me, there wasn’t a lot I could do. And I couldn’t throw her off because…” Cas just shook his head and didn’t speak for a moment. “I hadn’t started running yet and I was pretty scrawny, but April was a varsity cheerleader. She had 2 years and quite a few pounds on me. Plus she was...I _cared_ about her.”

He was quiet for a while, then, trying not to let himself get lost in the memory, knowing some of the worst was yet to come. “Anyway. When she…” For the first time, Cas’ voice faltered and he hated it. He could still feel the skin-crawling _bad touch_ feeling he’d had when her actions had progressed to the next step. She had put a condom on him. By then he’d mostly lost what erection she’d managed to force him to, so she went back to work, tugging and squeezing.

“I tried to use my hands to stop her while they were free, but she managed to grab both my thumbs and a couple fingers and I couldn’t get close. As soon as she got me hard enough again, she climbed up and...slid me inside her.” He shuddered and Dean’s arms closed around him, holding tight and grounding him in the present.

“It was awful, Dean. I didn’t want it. I wanted her off me, but there was nothing I could do. She had my hands pinned again. I yelled at her to stop, but she didn’t, even though I was barely half hard.” Cas swallowed thickly around the bile that threatened to rise in his throat.

 

* * *

 

**BADONK**

* * *

 

 

“Suddenly, Meg was busting through the door. Meg and I had hated each other since grade school, but I’ve never been happier to see someone in my life. She dragged her sister off me and that part was over.”

“Cas, man, that’s...shit...that’s fucked up. I’m so sorry. I - “ suddenly Dean’s green eyes were staring into his. Cas saw the fear and concern in them, but he didn’t really understand the source until Dean spoke again. “Cas, I didn’t...I haven’t...What we did, I mean, it was stuff you wanted, right? I didn’t make you - “

“Oh, God, no, Dean, _no_!” Cas kissed him to prove his point. “Please don’t...I’ve wanted every touch you’ve given me. Every single one. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have let you do it.” He kissed him again. “After what happened, I made a promise to myself that I’d never stand down again. I should have thrown her off that bed, if I had to…but anyway, there’s actually more to it, if you want to hear?”

April had just laughed and thrown Castiel’s clothes at him when Meg had finally pulled her off. Then she’d said it didn’t matter because she’d “gotten what she needed.” Neither of them knew what she was talking about until she walked across the room and snatched up a video camera.

She’d pointed it at him while he got dressed and said, “Say cheese, Castiel! I was a present from your brothers, you limp dick _asshole_. Too bad you don’t appreciate a nice piece of ass when you get it. That’s ok, though. Coz this disc here means I still get my money!” She turned off the camera and started toward the door, yelling, “See ya, bitches!”

“Meg grabbed the camera from her and flung it against the wall as hard as she could. It smashed into a million pieces. I thanked her and left as fast as I could, to the sound of April screaming and throwing the worst tantrum I’ve ever heard. I was literally putting on my clothes running down the hall and out the door.”

“I didn’t know I could hate your fucking brothers more,” Dean ground out in a rough voice. Then something occurred to him. “What the hell happened to April, though? I’ve never seen her at school.”

“She’s dead,” Cas said bluntly.

Dean blinked, obviously having a hard time processing the information he’d been given. “Wait, what?”

“She tried to sleep with the wrong married guy and his wife stabbed her through the heart.” Cas shrugged. Her death meant nothing to him. “You probably think I’m glad she’d dead, but the truth is, that doesn’t make what happened any easier to accept. She’s not being punished for it. Unless there maybe really is a hell, which I sort of hope there is.”

 

* * *

 

Dean listened to Cas’ story with growing nausea and anger. He wanted to punch April Kelly and every one of Cas’ brothers in their stupid awful faces by the time Castiel was done talking. Cas was right, too. Finding out April was dead didn’t help at all. He still wanted to beat her senseless, dead or not - and chick or not. Dean didn’t hit girls, ever. John had drilled that into him often enough. But Dean knew that, girl or not, he’d have beaten April Kelly within an inch of her life if she was alive right now. If it wouldn’t cause more problems for Cas, he’d do the same to the Angeles brothers.

“Cas, can I ask you something?” He ran his fingers through the thick dark hair in front of him, soothingly.

“Of course.” Cas started to turn to look at Dean, but stopped and leaned into the touch of his fingers instead.

“I appreciate you sharing what you have already. I’m glad you...trust me that much.” Dean felt the guilt rear up and he forced it down with all his strength. “I just...how did you get through it? Like, after?”

He wiggled, obviously uncomfortable. “Can we sit up again?” Dean helped him roll over and started to prop him up on the pillows, thinking Cas wanted physical distance. “No! I want...stay behind me. It...it helps.” So Dean crawled in behind him again.

Once they were re-situated, Cas continued. “I asked myself a hundred times in my head, afterward. Why did I let it happen? Why didn’t I struggle more?”

Dean tried to interrupt. “Cas, you didn’t - “ but Cas waved him to stop and shushed him gently.

“I know, Dean. I know that _now._ But at the time, that’s how it felt, even though I knew I wasn’t physically strong enough to fight her. And I wondered all kinds of things, like whether I didn’t fight harder because, when we were little, my father didn’t care if my brothers beat up on me or if I hit them back, but the one time my sister hit me and I retaliated, he took a belt to me so hard he left welts. Which probably played a part. Or if somehow I secretly _wanted_ it. Which, I obviously didn’t.”

Cas turned his head to look at Dean for a long moment, squinty blue eyes sizing him up again.

“I ended up in therapy for it, though, and that is mostly what helped. I wouldn’t have gone on my own, but Meg...I mean, like I said, we’d never been friends, but she really came to my rescue and we formed a sort of truce after that. Anyway, Meg came up to me one day at school a few weeks after it happened.

“‘Look,’ she said, ‘you went through a fucked up thing. You gotta talk to a shrink or it’s just gonna get worse. I know I’m all kinds of fucked up, but I’d be even more fucked up if I hadn’t gone to see somebody when I needed it. So you go see somebody, Castiel.’ Then she just walked away, without even waiting for me to answer.”

Dean felt much better, hearing about the therapy. He didn’t know if he could have trusted anyone enough, even a doctor, especially after what happened, but he was glad Cas had. “Man, I’m...yeah, that’s...I’m glad you didn’t have to do it alone.”

Cas smiled warmly at him. “Thank you, Dean. Yes, it helped. One of the things it did for me was get me to realize that one of the reasons I didn’t fight back harder was because, believe it or not, there was some part of me that didn’t want to hurt her feelings. It probably sounds stupid, but there it is.”

“No, I think I get it. She wasn’t just some...attacker to you, she was someone you cared about. Someone you trusted. It actually kinda makes sense.”

Cas smiled at Dean as if he’d just guessed the answer to a very trick riddle. “Yes. Exactly. You realized it a lot more quickly than I did, that’s for sure. But the therapist, she really helped. Actually, that’s where I got that sexuality book, too. So she helped me in many ways.”

“I don’t know if I could ever trust a shrink, but I’m glad you did.”

“Well, there were plenty of things I didn’t talk to her about. I never mentioned my family. And you know as well as I do that I should have.” He cleared his throat. “So, anyway, you thought the making out was good?” Cas laughed suddenly, a quick bark that Dean loved, despite its making him jump.

Dean grinned and leaned down to purr, “You wanna try it again?” into Castiel’s ear before nipping at the lobe of it.

“Mmmm, as tempting as it is, I’d rather hear a story about you. I told you something traumatic, but yours doesn’t have to be. Just something you’ve never told anyone else about. It’s only fair.”

Dean would do just about anything to keep that easy smile on Cas’ face, so he wanted to do as he asked. He couldn’t think of any stories that weren’t either too boring or too painful for the moment, though. When Cas tried to hurry him up, he said, “I’m thinking! I just haven’t come up with a good one yet.”

”Tell me the story about the panties.”

Dean could feel his face turn a deep shade of red. After the story Cas had just shared, he knew he shouldn’t feel embarrassed. And Dean was the one who had brought it up, after all. It just wasn’t something he’d ever expected to tell _anyone._ Let alone someone he liked as much as Cas.

Cas turned to look at him. “If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s ok. You can tell me something else.”

“No, it’s just...I don’t even know why I brought it up the other day, you know? But I guess some part of me wanted you to know, so...here goes, heh.” Dean scooted around some so he wasn’t behind Cas anymore. “I hope you don’t mind, but I’d rather...I wanna be able to see your face, so I know you’re not, you know...judging me. Is that all right?”

“Of course, Dean.” Cas smiled at him and Dean felt himself relax again. He didn’t know how Cas could do that, but he could and Dean was glad.

“It was a couple of years ago. We were living in this town called McKinney Falls. I met this girl named Rhonda Hurley. She was…” He laughed. “Have you ever seen the movie _Grease_?” Cas nodded slowly. “Well, Rhonda was...she was a lot like Rizzo - if Rizzo had been written by Tarantino.”

Cas was giving him the squinty look. “I don’t know who that is.”

“Who, Rizzo?”

“No, the other one.”

“You - Oh. Well, let’s just say Rizzo to the tenth power, then. Louder, ballsier, more sexual, you know?” Cas nodded. “Yeah, she was something else. I’d never gotten much past kissing with a girl before and I was not prepared for Rhonda.”

Dean stared into space as his brain shoved memories into his consciousness, bringing them to life again. He didn’t really remember what she looked like, but he remembered her laugh.

“She had this laugh, man. It was so, just, _her_ , you know? Like, no one else laughs like that. Anyway, I had only known her a few days when she tells me that I’m taking her on a date. She was almost 17 and I couldn’t even drive yet, but she wanted to go out with me? I wasn’t going to argue.”

Dean smiled a little bit. “Turns out her idea of a date and mine were different. Well, I mean, it would have been a dream date for a lot of guys, but I wasn’t there yet. Like I said, all I’d ever done was kiss and get to over-the-shirt second base.”

Dean explained how, when he’d shown up at Rhonda’s door, she’d invited him inside - and it was only after she got him back to her room that he realized they weren’t going out to have their “date”. It was all going to happen in Rhonda’s room.

“Rhonda didn’t wait for me to make a move. She had me on my back on her bed within 2 minutes of walking through the door. She didn’t ask what I wanted, either. She gave instructions and I...well, I followed them. There was something about her that...I don’t know. She was pretty, but not...it’s hard to explain...it was like I was under her spell or something. She was...captivating is maybe the best word, but overwhelming is another one that fits.”

He carded his hand through Castiel’s hair. “I mean, you overwhelm me, too, but in a totally different way.” Cas smile was shy and disbelieving. “It’s true, Cas.” He shrugged. “Anyway, we made out for a while.”

Dean talked as he remembered. The making out had been rough and not at all what he was used to. She took his hands and put them where she wanted them. Once she had them where she wanted them, she told him how to move them. Before long they were both mostly naked.

“I kept looking at her panties, running my hand over them. It wasn’t just that I wanted to get in them, though of course by then, I really did. They were just so soft and nice and…”

This was the part that was hardest for Dean to admit. Even more than the part where he actually wore a girl’s panties, his fascination with the panties made him feel pathetic. He was about to open himself up to Cas in a way that really scared him. Maybe, though...maybe if he let Cas see this, then Cas would be less likely to kick Dean out of his life.

That wasn’t the reason he wanted him to know, though. Mostly, he just wanted to see what happened when Dean showed Cas the real him. Would Cas turn away? Look at him with pity? Or would he treat him the same way he always had?

“The thing is...I grew up pretty broke, Cas, but that’s...” He sighed and tried to find the words. “You know my mom died when I was young, just like yours did. And after that, it was 3 males, living in crappy apartments with cheap furniture, cheap mostly second-hand clothes. I had only dated a few girls and they all wore jeans and cotton tops, but...My mom, she had all these soft nightgowns she used to wear, and this perfume...but when she died, all of that was gone.”

Dean found himself starting to tear up and he hated it. His lip trembled and his eyes and throat ached with it. “I didn’t have... _soft_ things in my life anymore, Cas. God, it sounds so dumb.” He was horrified to find he couldn’t stop a couple of the tears from spilling over. He cleared his throat and tried to reign in his emotions. “So, anyway, I was fascinated by her panties for a lot of reasons.”

“It’s not dumb, Dean.” Cas’ voice was soft but firm. Dean could tell by the look on his face that somehow, even though he’d been rich enough to have soft things, somehow Cas still knew exactly what Dean meant. That soothed the ache in his chest and helped him continue talking. He even managed to smile at Cas first.

“So she says, ‘You seem to really like those panties. Why don’t you try them on?’ Only, I could tell it wasn’t really a request. I was going to refuse, but she told me, ‘You want what’s underneath them, you gotta wear ‘em first, buddy-boy.’” Dean laughed again. “That took the choice right out of it. Because I really did want what was underneath them by then, so much I could barely think.”

He had pulled off his own shorts and watched her as she removed the panties. He had barely gotten a glimpse of what was underneath before she was throwing the underwear in his face. “On. Now,” she had said and he had done it.

Dean told Cas that if Rhonda had been a skinny girl with a flat butt, they wouldn’t have fit him. But she had been thick with a nice round ass and they were the perfect size. As soon as the cool fabric slid over his hot erection, Dean had enjoyed the sensation so much he had almost come right then.

“But she wasn’t gonna let that happen. She yanked my head back by my hair and told me to get on my knees. While I had been busy putting on the panties, she had put on…” Dean couldn’t look at Cas while he said the next part, no matter how much he desperately wanted to know his reaction. “She was wearing a  strap-on. She made me, uh...she made me suck it.”

Even as his face burned with embarrassment at how much he had enjoyed that, Dean felt cool fingers against the underside of his chin, lifting his face. When he allowed his head to be raised, he found that Cas was smiling at him. He let out the breath he’d been holding. “It’s ok, Dean.”

“Even if...even if I liked it?” He swallowed hard, his face feeling so hot he knew it must be deep red by now. “All of it? Being ordered around and wearing girl’s clothes, even being shoved to my knees?”

“It’s ok, Dean,” Cas repeated. “As long as she wasn’t forcing you against your will, if you wanted to follow her orders and do all those things, enjoyed all those things...it’s ok.” He smiled again and brushed his thumb over Dean’s chin. “What happened next?”

“After I...when she was done putting the strap-on in my mouth, she made me lie back on the bed. She pushed the panties down just enough to get my cock free and…” Dean shrugged. “She fucked me. She had made me nervous enough that I lasted longer than I might have expected, long enough to make her come, which didn’t take that long. The sight of that strap-on helped more than you’d think because it was sort of distracting for me.”

Dean slid against Cas again, wanting him close, since he’d already seen that Cas wasn’t judging him. “When it was done, she told me maybe next time she’d use the strap-on to fuck me. I didn’t really know how I felt about that - I still don’t, really - but it didn’t matter because there was no next time. Dad packed us up two days later and I never saw her again.”

Before Cas could respond, Dean’s phone made a noise in his pocket. When he pulled it out, it was a text from Sam.

**Goodnight, bro. Tell Cas hey.**

Dean held the phone out so Cas could see and Cas smiled. “Hey, Sam.”

Dean carefully typed his reply.

**Night. Cas says Hey back.**

Without waiting for a response, he sent another.

**You have a good time? You going to Ellen’s after school?**

Dean drummed his fingers on his thigh as he waited for a response.

**Not sure about Ellen’s but yeah tonight’s been great.**

A second reply came almost immediately after the first.

**Don’t worry, I’m sleeping in the guest room.**

Dean hesitated for only a second before sending another reply.

**Love you, bitch :)**

He smiled at Sammy’s response.

**You too jerk :P**

Dean made sure his morning alarm was reset for a half hour early, since he had to take Cas to school. Then he carefully slid his phone onto the nightstand. He squeezed Cas’ shoulder. “You getting sleepy?”

“Maybe a little. You?”

“Not sleepy, but tired. Gotta get up earlier so I can get you home. So I should go to bed soon. Don’t want to, though.” He pressed a kiss into Cas’ hair.

“Dean? Thanks for telling me about Rhonda.” He huffed a small laugh. “It’s strange how many ways our lives intersect. I mean, dead mothers, absent fathers, aggressive girls who changed our lives...yet there are so many differences, as well.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that, too, Cas.” Dean kissed the top of his head again. “Thanks for telling me about April and...you know...telling me the thing with Rhonda was ok.”

Cas turned his head to smile up at him. “Let’s go to sleep, Dean.”

Dean hesitated, but forced himself to ask, “Do you mind if I sleep in here with you?”

Cas lost his smile and squinted up at Dean, confused. “Of course not, I assumed that’s what you were going to do. Isn’t that what you talked about when I first told you I was leaving the hospital?”

“Yeah, Cas, but…” Dean squirmed and shifted. “I don’t wanna do anything without making sure you’re ok with it first.”

Cas’ face grew stern. “Dean, no. You don’t have to ask my permission for things. If...just try things. If I don’t want them, I will tell you. I will stop you. And,” he added, looking at Dean intently, “I won’t be upset with you for trying, even if it’s something I don’t want to do...all right?” It was Dean’s turn to smile. He nodded.

Dean turned off the tv and helped Cas get under the covers. He took his phone with him to the other side of the bed and crawled in, turning off the lamp as he did so. He scooted toward Cas and the brunet just sort of gravitated to his side naturally, his head resting on Dean’s shoulder, hand pressed above his heart.

“Goodnight,” they each whispered in the dark.

They lay there in silence for a few moments before Cas said, “I’m really glad I met you, Dean Winchester.”

Dean smiled against the top of Castiel’s head. “Me, too, Cas.” He squeezed Cas with the arm that was around him. Dean could hear Cas’ breathing evening out, but a thought suddenly occurred to him. “Cas?” He felt bad when the other boy jerked, obviously startled out of near-sleep. At his muffled “Hm” sound, Dean asked, “Why would your brothers hire April to...have sex with you? Why was it so important to them?”

Cas sighed heavily against Dean’s chest, already nearly to sleep again. “Tell you tomorrow. Prom’se.”

Dean kissed his head one last time and then relaxed into the feeling of the warm body cradled against him. Once he knew Cas was sleeping, he smiled in the dark and allowed himself to fall asleep, too. Soon he  dreamed of wearing pink satin and being forced to his knees, but instead of Rhonda Hurley, it was Castiel Angeles making him kneel. And instead of having a plastic penis shoved into his mouth, Dean looked up to see Cas smiling down at him. That blue eyed face told him, “You’re gorgeous, Winchester. It’s ok.” He woke up the next morning with a smile on his face for many reasons.

 

* * *

 

Sam texted not long after Dean woke up - warm and content, next to Cas - to say he had decided to go to Ellen’s after school. Jo had agreed to pick him up when she got out. Dean got Cas dropped off and was halfway to school before his good mood faded. It hit him that, when he told Cas the truth about the accident, it was likely that Cas would break it off. He’d never find out why Castiel’s brothers had felt it necessary to pay a girl to sleep with him. He’d never get to find out anything else about him. That upset Dean for so many reasons. He and Cas might eventually make it back to being friends, but Dean sort of doubted it could ever be more than that again.

He barely heard anything anyone said to him all day. He wrote down notes in class, but had no idea what they said by the time the bell rang. He talked to Jo at least twice, but couldn’t recall a single word of their conversation. By the time he got to work at Bobby’s, dread had settled in his torso as though he were turning to stone.

For the first time, he was not happy when the clock showed him it was the end of his shift. For the first time, he was not happy to be leaving to visit Cas. He was surprised he wasn’t crying already and doubted he’d make it all the way to Cas’ house without any tears falling. Sure enough, when “What Is and What Should Never Be” came on the radio, he hiccuped a sob and had to pull over to the curb on a secluded street until he could get himself back under control.

When he finally made it to the Angeles residence, Dean steeled himself for the big confession. He tried to find the right words, but soon gave up. Instead, he spent the long walk around the house to the french doors of Cas’ room trying to control his breathing. He closed his eyes and had to force himself to knock and reach for the door knob.

When Dean arrived in Castiel’s room, however, it was clear that Cas had been drinking. He was, in fact, still drinking, which Dean was sure was not a wise idea. He easily convinced Cas to give him the rest of his current drink, and Dean mentally patted himself on the back - until Cas poured himself another drink, with even more in it. Cas’ blue eyes were bloodshot and bright with unshed tears. Dean couldn’t tell if he had cried already and was about to cry again, or if he was just getting started.

Regardless, within a few moments, Cas was crying. This wasn’t the sad, defeated crying that sometimes happened with too much alcohol. This was the angry crying that came sometimes when too much alcohol was poured on top of too much emotional turmoil. It wasn’t pretty.

“My mom, like I toldju, she died when Iwuzzababy,” Cas began, all his words slurring and jumbling together. “I haven’t seen m’dad since, I dunnowhen. He ran off on us. Lefme with m’brothers. And lemme tellya, Dean. They. Are. Assholes. Ok? Like, ser’sly, they’re dicks. D’you know wha they wanna do?” His voice was getting louder by the minute and Dean was really concerned. “They wanna take me to a _hibnatiss_ ,” he said, getting close and breathing whiskey fumes into Dean’s face. It was a full thirty seconds before Dean realized Cas was saying “hypnotist”.

“Hey, Cas, man, let’s calm down, ok? I mean, you’ve had a lot to drink and - “

“NO! Don’ tel’me t’calm down, Dean! ‘m _fine_! Tired o’ bein tole whattado! M’brothers, they’re always pushing me around! ‘m sickuvit!”

Dean, having had his share of experience with drunks, held up his hands in supplication, and spoke softly. “Hey, hey, ok, man, sorry, I’m not trying to order you around, I swear. I’m just worried about you.” He reached out and gently grasped Cas by the shoulders, trying to steer him toward the couch. “How about we sit down, huh? I’d really like to -”

“NO!” Cas yelled again, this time getting angry enough to fling Dean’s arms off of his shoulders. “Get OFF!” he yelled then, twisting even after he was free and stumbling toward Dean.

In trying to avoid Cas’ wildly flailing arms, Dean tripped himself up and went down, knocking his head on the corner of the end table as he did so. He felt the sickening punch of it against his head and then felt the floor catch him by the shoulder before the whole world greyed out.

He had no idea how long he’d been unconscious, but when he came to, Cas seemed much more sober. He was leaning over Dean, cleaning the blood off his face and begging him to “Wake up, wake up, please God, Dean wake up!”

“Cas?” His voice was a croak. “How long have I been out?”

“Oh, God, Dean! You’re awake! Fuck, you scared me! I am so sorry! Please don’t -”

“Cas, it’s ok, not so loud, though.” His head was throbbing and every word Cas spoke was like a dagger in his brain.

“Sorry, shit, sorry. Y-you’ve been out a little while now. I, uh, I called an ambulance. They’re on their way.”

“You called - I can’t afford that, Cas, I don’t have insurance or anything!” Dean was panicking a little now.

“I’ll fucking pay for it, Dean, come on. It’s my fault, of course I’ll pay for it. God, I am so, so sorry! I never meant...it was an accident. Please,” Cas voice broke on the word and his chin trembled for a long moment, tears threatening to spill from his eyes, before he was able to get himself under control enough to speak again. “Please don’t hate me...I need...I need you. You’re...I…”

Dean pressed a finger gently but firmly to Cas’ full lips to quiet him. He did it for so many reasons. To comfort the blue eyed brunet. To stop the apology that was making his own guilt flare up again. To stop the noise that was pounding at his head. Looking Cas in the eye, he slowly slid his finger away. Before Cas could speak again, the paramedics arrived.

The next several minutes and the ride to the hospital were mostly a blur. He didn’t have any memory whatsoever of getting to the emergency room or being wheeled to the room he was currently occupying. Nothing came fully into focus until Ellen walked in and sent Cas out to get a soda. He knew from her face that she was in mama bear mode, though he wasn’t really clear on why that might be. He wasn’t really clear on much of anything at the moment, actually.

“Hey, Ellen. Hit my head.”

“Boy, I’m the nurse who checked you in. Now I am gonna ask you this once and you are gonna tell me the absolute truth, you understand?”

“O-okay.” He didn’t know why he was in trouble, but he definitely was.

“Did Cas get drunk and hit you? Is that how you knocked your head open?”

“ _What_?” Of all the things he’d been expecting her to ask, that wasn’t even near the list.

“You heard me, boy. I can smell the booze on him. You’ve got a goose egg and a concussion. Now tell me the truth.”

“No, Ellen.” She narrowed her eyes. “Ellen, no. It wasn’t like that. He was...I knew he had had too much to drink. I did something stupid and put my hands on him when he was riled. He shook me loose, and that was fine, but then he was kind of wobbly and unstable so I tried to back away from him. I tripped over my own damned feet, El, I swear. He did _not_ hit me. Ok?”

Cas walked in just in time to catch the last sentence. His eyes went wide and he turned to Ellen. “I swear, I didn’t - I would never -”

“All right, all right, I believe both of you.  But _you_ ,” she said, pointing at Cas, “Got no business drinking. And _you_ ,” she said, swiveling back to point at Dean, “Need to be more fucking careful!” She turned back to Cas and stuck out her hand. “This wasn’t how I pictured our first meeting going, but I’m Ellen. I’ve known Dean since he was little.”

Cas tentatively grasped her hand in his, giving it a small, firm shake. “I’m Cast...I’m Cas. Dean’s told me a lot about you. He said you wanted to meet me. I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances.”

“Dean, the doctor will be back in a few minutes, but basically, they’re gonna leave you here for a while for observation and then probably let you go home, as long as you’ve got someone to look after you and it looks like that’ll be me. Since you came in an ambulance, you can’t go home till I get off shift, but I doubt they’ll release you much before that, anyway.”

“Oh, crap, Sammy, he -”

“It’s all right, I already called him. Last I heard he was helping Jo with her math homework.” She smirked as she said that and Dean smiled back. “Cas, can someone pick you up or do you need a ride back home?”

“If you could give me a ride, I’d appreciate it.”

She nodded and left them. Cas started to apologize again, but Dean cut him off with a harsher-than-he-intended, “Cas, stop.” It was time and he knew it. There wouldn’t be a better opportunity to come clean. Cas’ memory of his accident might never return or it might come back later tonight. There was no way to tell, but Dean had to come clean before it happened. He should have already done so, and he knew it. Still, he was scared.

“Dean, please, _please_ don’t be -”

“Cas, hush, I’m not mad at you, all right? I need you to listen to me. It’s...I gotta tell you something...it’s not...it’s bad, Cas. Something...shit.” Cas put his hand on Dean’s shoulder to steady him and Dean gave him a pleading look. He begged for mercy with his eyes, but he hadn’t even confessed yet, so Cas only cocked his head, confused.

“Dean? What is it?”

“Cas, your accident...it wasn’t…” Dean glanced into those deep blue eyes and then quickly dropped his gaze again, unable to bear what he might see in the next few moments. “There was no red car, Cas. It was…” His voice dropped to the faintest whisper. “I was the one who hit you. I’m so fucking sorry, Cas. I’d give anything to take it back. I am so fucking sorry.” Tears had welled up and one spilled down his cheek when he finished speaking. He felt the hand draw back from his shoulder, and a sob escaped him, but he still couldn’t bear to look up yet.

When the silence stretched out, though, he finally lifted his gaze. Cas had moved to sit in one of the chairs. He was bent over his knees, head clasped in his hands. Dean saw him sitting there and felt worse than he might have if Cas had been angry. Anger he could cope with. Anger he could understand and accept and grieve over. But Cas’ posture appeared to be more that of someone who was hurt. And the idea that he had hurt his best friend, he couldn’t accept that. Bad enough he had wounded him physically, but emotionally? That was something he had never, ever wanted to do. He felt sick inside. He couldn’t seem to get enough air.

“Castiel,” Dean said, tripping over the name a bit. He was trying to show respect, convey that he knew exactly what he had done, but the name sounded wrong to him. Instead of sounding respectful, he felt that it put a distance between them that he didn’t want. “Cas,” he amended. “Please, I can explain.” Cas didn’t look up or answer. “Cas?” Dean said again and hated the way his voice broke on it. It sounded weak and broken and begging, but there was nothing he could do about it. “Yell at me or...whatever, just...say something, please?”

“Oh, Dean,” Cas said despondently, not looking up. “What am I gonna do?” He lifted bloodshot eyes to Dean then and Dean realized he was crying. “They want to take me to a hypnotist to get my memory back. I can’t do that. If it works, I’d end up handing you to the police - not to mention my asshole brothers.” He stood up and came over to the bed, reaching down to clasp Dean’s hand.

“Wait...you’re not mad?”

It was Cas’ turn to drop his gaze. “I’ve kind of suspected you were the one who hit me ever since I remembered you.”

“What? Why?”

Cas sighed. “Dean, I don’t think you really understand how into you I was by the time the accident happened. I _know_ where you usually park. In 3 months, I’ve never known you to park in the back lot.” He impatiently shoved his hair around with his hand. “Besides that, you’ve gotten a sad, guilty look on your face almost every time we talked about the accident or my being hurt. It wasn’t hard to figure out.”

“I...oh.” Dean didn’t know what to say, really. “So, you’re not mad at me? Or...hurt or...you know…”

“No, Dean.” Cas looked a little offended. “I told you when _I_ was in the hospital how I felt about the person who hit me. Did you really think that would change when that person turned out to be you?”

The look Cas leveled at him then held such annoyed affection that Dean didn’t know what to do with it. All he could do was shrug and drop his eyes again. “Ok, but...you’re not even mad that I didn’t tell you sooner?”

Cas gave him a measuring look. Finally, he said, “Look, I care about you, Dean. A..a great deal. And I’m scared of my brothers making me do this. I don’t want you getting into trouble. I can’t...I can’t lose you.” Dean’s eyes flew up then, but Cas had dropped his head so Dean ducked his to try and make eye contact.

“Hey, Cas. You’re not going to, all right?” He pursed his lips and thought for a moment. Then his eyes lit up. “Look, there’s an easy way out of this. I’m surprised you haven’t thought of it, really.” Cas looked at him then. “All you have to do is pretend that you got your memory back.”

Cas’ eyes widened at that. “What? But what would I say?”

“You tell your brothers that coming to the hospital jogged your brain or something. Then you tell the cops a story that mostly jibes with mine, _except_ \- “ Dean paused for emphasis. “You be absolutely convinced that it’s a different make of car than what I told them.” 

They discussed a little further, but Dean's head was hurting again, so they tabled any real conversation for a while. The silence between them was easy, despite Cas' continued agitation.

Dean couldn't believe Cas had been so calm when he found out about the accident. He wondered if he could have taken it in stride the way Cas had. Of course, it was different when you didn't have insurance or the money to pay the hospital bills than it was when you were a rich kid with full coverage. He didn't begrudge Castiel the things he had, he just knew Cas could better afford to be charitable. Still, he liked to think he would be close to as forgiving as Cas, in spite of the financial ruin. Then again, Cas also didn't have a 12 yr old brother he was financially and otherwise responsible for.

He didn't like to think about how different their backgrounds were. He honestly didn't think it mattered that much. He was more interested in reaping the Cas-still-wanted-him-around benefits of Cas’ rich upbringing than dwelling on how he might have reacted in a similar situation.

"C'mere, Cas." He saw the blue eyes widen in curiosity as Castiel slowly got up and walked toward him. Dean gave him a slow, warm smile. "Just wanted a hug."

Those blue eyes crinkled as Castiel's mouth widened and opened to reveal all his teeth. "And maybe a kiss, too?"

Who was Dean to deny him? So he got his lingering hug and Cas got a few brief, chaste kisses and both boys were soothed. For a long while after they sat holding hands and smiling softly, flicking occasional fond glances at each other.

Eventually they each became lost in their own thoughts again, but their fingers remained entwined.

Dean realized that he wouldn't be able to open the box with his mother's name on it tonight. He'd intended to once he and Sam got home, but he hadn't planned on this little side trip to the hospital. He supposed he had waited this long, so another day was no big deal.

He wondered how soon Ellen would be off shift. Then another thought occurred to him. "Cas, is my car gonna be ok at your house tonight? Or are your brothers going to go ape shit that it's there and you're not?"

"My door is locked, so technically they won't know we aren't there. But you can stay with me tonight, if you want?" The offer was extended from beneath lowered lashes, Cas clearly feeling shy.

"Yeah, Cas. I'd like that."

Dean wasn't allowed to doze and half a dozen nurses came by to check his various vitals, so he wouldn't have had much time anyway. But he was bored out of his skull. Castiel had been wrapped up in his own thoughts ever since he asked Dean to stay over.

Dean thought about the night to come and that led to remembering the night before. He hadn't dared to hope he'd get to have anything like that again. Now he knew he'd get to have at least the cuddling again tonight. His head probably hurt too much for anything else, but he could be convinced. He smiled at that.

Then something else occurred to him. Cas had promised to tell him why his brothers had hired April. He started to ask Cas right then, but suddenly Ellen was there, telling them it was time to go.

"The doctor's gonna come by in just a second, boys, then we'll be out of here."

The doctor took more than the promised second - quite a bit more - but finally she was there and giving instructions and handing Dean a sheaf of papers that repeated the same information.

Once they were in the car, Ellen asked, "So where'm I takin' you, Cas, honey?"

Cas gave her the address and Dean said, "I'm gonna stay there tonight, too."

"Dean - "

"Ellen, my car is there and so is all my school stuff." He started to point out his independence again, but thought better of it. "I'll call Sam so he knows what's going on," he finished instead.

"It's way past that boy's bedtime, you don't need to wake - "

"Ellen, you really think he's sleeping with me in the hospital? Trust me, he waited up."

Sure enough, Sam answered on the first ring as though he'd been waiting. He told him everything he didn't already know from Ellen, including his intention to crash at Casa Angeles.

"How about we go out for dinner tomorrow?" Dean asked.

"Sure, bro. Sounds like a plan." Then Sam's voice grew quiet. "I'm...I'm really glad you're ok...I love you."

"I love you, too, Sammy." Dean blinked away the tears. Must be the damned head injury.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you? I know that was a rough one. Some of you are relieved. I'm so proud of you for making it this far. I feel like we should hug (but only if you're comfortable with that). Talk out your feels in the comments (respectfully, please).


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam open the box of their mother's things and learn some fascinating things. Cas tells Dean the story of Sam Andriel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, my sincere apologies for the mistake with the chapter posting. There was a mix up with what got edited. When we went back to check, it turned out there had been another mistake as the previous chapter that was SUPPOSED to be posted was actually TWO chapters. So, you are still getting two chapters with this update, but the one I posted by accident will be posted tomorrow instead. Thanks for all your patience. Keep those comments coming! ♥ EDIT:Bah, I just realized that deleting the apology chapter means I deleted a couple of lovely comments. If you commented and didn't get to see my response, I said some version of "Thank you so much! I ♥♥♥ you! :)"
> 
> **Trigger Warnings: Graphic non-canon descriptions of canonical character death, mild violence, loss of a parent, homophobic slurs/bullying**

In his own bed, Cas found it easiest to sleep on his back. So tonight, it was Dean who slept with his head propped on Cas’ chest, instead of the other way around. Castiel thought he enjoyed this way at least as much, if not more. He thought each had its merits. He cradled Dean’s head and stroked his short hair gently. Soon Dean’s breathing evened out and he was asleep, but Cas continued to lie awake, thinking about the stressful night he’d had.

He still wasn’t back to school and according to his doctor, wouldn’t be until he had at least the arm cast off. Most kids probably would have been released back to school right out of the hospital, but the Angeles family had money - and money bought doctors who made their patient’s lives as easy as possible. In most cases this would mean a prescription for any pill the patient desired. For Cas, it meant no school until he could at least use two crutches.

He wasn’t sure if he was glad about not being at school or not. Ordinarily, he would have been - he rarely got to be out for any reason. However, now he was restless and bored and would rather have been in school, catching glimpses of Dean, than stuck in his house waiting for things to happen.

He had been surprised by his brothers being home so early that afternoon. Frankly, he had been surprised that Michael was home at all. He spent most of his time elsewhere. So Cas knew whatever was going to happen probably wasn’t good. He still couldn’t believe they’d planned to take him to a hypnotist. He and Dean had discussed the best plan of action and come up with a believable story for his sudden memory recovery.

Cas had had to tell them about Dean’s accident and the trip to the hospital. So the story would be that he’d absently flipped through a car magazine while waiting for news on Dean. During the night - he would claim - one of the cars he’d seen in the magazine had triggered a dream which brought back the memories to him. He would call one of his brothers first thing after they got to school and request a ride to the police station. They would decline, and he would have to take a cab, but he didn’t mind that at all. He would then take the cab to the police station and give a statement.

Castiel was relieved that Dean had finally come clean about the accident. He had lied to Dean when he said he’d only suspected it since he got part of his memory back. The truth was, he’d begun suspecting it a little earlier than that. Certain reactions from Dean had just been peculiar. He’d had so much unexplained guilt whenever the topic of Cas’ injuries came up.

Cas might come from a different world financially and socially, but he knew exactly why Dean had lied to the police. Cas had seen what his brothers could do to people who had wronged them. That was why he was so terrified of the hypnotist. He had strongly believed that Dean was the one responsible and he did not want his brothers going after Dean. Cas cared too much about the gorgeous boy with the arresting green eyes to let that happen if he could help it. He cared more than maybe he should. Instead of worrying about it any more, he snuggled up closer and let the warmth of Dean lull him into sleep.

 

* * *

 

Cas had called earlier in the afternoon to say that, since he had recovered his memory, his brothers were taking him out to dinner to celebrate. This would be happening during the time that Dean normally came over, so they wouldn’t be seeing each other, unless, Cas said, Dean wanted to come over later in the evening.

Dean had wondered then if maybe they were seeing too much of each other. He definitely didn’t want Cas to get tired of him hanging around. Then he wondered if maybe Cas already was, and that was the real reason Dean couldn’t come over. Come to think of it, Cas hadn’t really sounded very interested in whether he showed up later or not. Replaying it in his head, Dean could practically hear the other boy’s shrug.

However, no sooner had Dean had the thought then Cas was breaking a silence Dean hadn’t realized was stretching out. “If you don’t want to, it’s ok. I mean…” Castiel had hesitated, then said, “I’d really like you to, but...I don’t want you to get sick of me.”

Dean had laughed a little. “No, Cas, don’t worry, I’m not. I was actually afraid you were getting tired of seeing me.”

Cas had assured him that was not the case. Sam had already planned to come home tonight rather than going over to Ellen’s and Dean since he’d have some time, Dean decided tonight would be a good time to open that box with his mother’s name on it. Even with everything going on with Cas, the box had rarely been far out of his thoughts. He was as anxious as ever to know what was inside.

Bobby came out while Dean was changing the oil on a late model Dodge. Dean saw his shoes when he walked up, but finished what he was doing before walking out from under the car. He peeled off his latex gloves and tossed them onto his toolbox. By the time he took a long slug of water, Bobby still hadn’t said anything. Dean didn’t know whether to be worried or not. Sometimes Bobby had a hard time getting started with a conversation, even when it wasn’t bad news.

“Talked to Ellen this morning,” was what finally emerged from the middle of the scruffy beard. Dean didn’t bother trying to reply. “Said you’d kicked your dad out.”

Dean wasn’t sure why he was surprised Ellen had called Bobby. He should have expected it. He didn’t have any idea how Bobby would react to the news. John and Bobby had been friends, of a fashion, for a long time. Even if they hadn’t seen each other, as far as Dean knew, the entire time John had been “living” in Southpoint. Still, he hadn’t heard a question or anything that needed a response, so he just waited the man out instead of speaking.

Finally, Bobby scratched his beard and looked into the distance before making eye contact again. “You need any help, boy?” Dean opened his mouth to tell him no, but before he had the chance to speak, Bobby was talking again. “You need anything, you let me know, Dean. Me and your daddy go way back, but that don’t mean I don’t know what a sorry…”

Bobby stopped himself. “I know the man has his faults, is what I’m saying. You’re a good kid and so’s Sammy. You need me, you ask.” He narrowed his gaze at Dean, speculatively. “That ain’t a request, idjit.” Then he swatted Dean on the shoulder and walked away without Dean having to say a word.

The rest of the shift went quickly and Dean found himself headed home, feeling lighter than he had in days. It was a combination of things. Bobby’s newly stated - and Ellen’s continuing - support, Cas knowing and accepting the truth about the accident, Cas’ brothers dealt with, Dean knowing he was going to learn something new about his mother - all these things together combined to make him feel buoyed. Hell, even Sam had something good in his life. Dean didn’t know if this light feeling would last, but he was happy to have it for now.

Dean had told Sam about the box. When Dean walked in the door, Sam was waiting for him in the living room, having dragged the box downstairs to the couch. When Dean raised his eyebrows, Sam explained, “I don’t know, I just thought it was better to open it in a neutral space, I guess. Just in case we find out things that we didn’t really want to know...you know?”

“Damn. You are one grown up kid, you know that, Sammy?” Dean shook his head, ruffling Sam’s hair affectionately as he sat down on the couch. “All right, let’s get to it.”

Dean’s hands only shook slightly as he pulled open the flaps of the box. At first glance, he couldn’t tell much of what the box contained, aside from some envelopes. One by one he started taking them out and uncovering the other things inside. Underneath the envelopes, he saw a bottle and a cassette tape, two journals and two small boxes that looked like they might have come from a jewelry store. All of that was stacked on top of what looked like a sweater.

“I think the stuff at the bottom looks like the good stuff. So I’m gonna save it for last, ok? Let’s start with these envelopes.” Sam just nodded and Dean pulled the first envelope from the pile. It was thick and contained several folded sheets of thick paper. “This is from a lawyer’s office…” he said absently as he scanned the page. His eyes widened and his heart started pounding as he read the long letter. He skipped the legal papers that were attached, since the letter explained what they were.

“Dean? What is it? Is it bad?”

“I think I just figured out why Dad moved us around so much.” Dean reread the letter and then offered it to Sam. The boy’s eyes widened just as his brother’s had and his mouth hung open slightly by the time he’d finished.

“Samuel Campbell - that was mom’s dad, right?” Dean nodded. “He wanted custody of us? I mean, he tried to get Dad to just sign us over! That’s what these other papers are.”

“I know, Sam. I don’t get it. I don’t know why Dad thought he couldn’t win, either, but obviously he did.”

Sam was thoughtful and quiet for a moment. “You don’t...you don’t think that Samuel actually won custody and Dad took us on the run, do you?”

Dean considered the idea briefly, but dismissed it. “Nah, I don’t think so. I think we would have had to be there for the trial and anyway, we left too quickly after mom died for that to have happened. Granted I was just a little kid, but I know it wasn’t more than a few months before we left because she died not long after Halloween and we were gone before Valentine’s Day. I’m really surprised we ever stopped moving, though.”

“Samuel didn’t waste any time, did he? This letter is dated in December of the year she died.”

Dean didn’t answer, he just picked up the next envelope. “Let’s see what else is in here.” The next envelope felt empty, but when he opened it up, he saw a newspaper clipping inside. He saw that it was about his mom’s death and he quickly put it aside. “Not ready for that yet,” he told his brother as he chose another envelope.

The third envelope also held a newspaper clipping. This one was much newer, however. It was dated a couple of months before they had moved to Southpoint.

“Samuel Campbell, 62, prominent businessman

and local philanthropist, has died this week after

a prolonged illness. Samuel is survived by his wife

Deanna and two grandchildren. He was preceded

in death by his beloved daughter Mary Campbell

Winchester…”

“I guess that’s why we stopped having to move,” Dean said quietly. He wasn’t sure how to feel about any of this, but particularly about the death of a grandfather he didn’t even remember. It was especially confusing, given that it was a grandfather who had wanted to raise Sam and Dean himself. “And if he was really as well-off and popular as this makes him seem, it’s no wonder Dad just ran.”

Sam chewed his lip for a moment. “We could always call Dad and ask him about this stuff, you know. See what he says.”

Dean nodded absently. “Yeah, maybe. Let’s go through the rest first.”

The next and apparently final envelope was a manila one, much larger than the others. It proved to contain their mother and father’s wedding photos. Dean set the box off the couch and scooted over toward Sam so they could look through them together. Mary Campbell had looked so very young and beautiful on the day she’d married John Winchester that it nearly broke her elder son’s heart to see it.

“She was so pretty,” Sam whispered reverently. He gently stroked a finger in the air over her face, careful not to actually touch the photo and leave a smudge.

“Yeah,” Dean said around the lump in his throat. “Yeah, she was.”

There was not a single photo where she and John had not looked happy. Even when they weren’t smiling, it was shining in their eyes. When they had looked through them all, Dean said gruffly, “I’m gonna take these to Walgreen’s tomorrow. Get us each copies.” Sam just nodded. He wasn’t half crying like Dean, but his eyes were shiny and he was very quiet.

Dean took a deep breath. He knew there was good stuff in the box, stuff he really wanted to see, but he also knew he had to face the last envelope first. He had to leave the good stuff for last or he wouldn’t be able to look at that envelope’s contents. His hand was shaking so much he could barely pick up the envelope.

“Sammy, do you know how mom died?”

“Well, yeah, there was a fire.”

“That’s, um...that’s not the whole story. This is the story about it, from the newspaper.” As he pulled the clipping out, another fluttered to the floor. It was her obituary. He handed that to Sam before reading the article. He was not surprised to learn that it didn't contain the whole story - or that reading it written out so clinically made it hurt so much worse than his memories.

He put the story back in the envelope without showing it to Sam. He wanted his brother to hear it from him, not read the cold facts in a fading paper article with a picture of their burned-out house above it. He stared out into the living room for a long time, battling tears.

“There was...there was a man. He had been breaking into nurseries and hurting kids all over the place, but he hadn’t been caught.” Dean rubbed an eye furiously, trying to keep the tears away.  He got up and grabbed a paper towel to swipe his nose. “He broke into your nursery. He was all kinds of crazy, thought he had special powers. He hadn’t hurt you yet, but when mom walked in, he was trying to drip blood into your mouth.”

Dean shuddered. John had told him many of these details over a variety of drunken evenings, but some of it he had overheard the night it had happened, as John had repeated the story to one cop after another. Everyone had forgotten the 5 year old was in the room. Dean had been too scared and confused to cry.

John had told him “Mommy’s gone, Dean. She’s gone,” but Dean hadn’t really understood what was happening until the next day, when someone - he really doesn’t even know who - finally explained to him that his mother had died. He relayed all this to Sam as best he could, but he wasn’t sure how coherent he was being.

“He had a gun and when mom interrupted, he shot her and set fire to the nursery. Dad came running and shot the guy, then grabbed you up. I came to the door and Dad shoved you into my arms and told me to get out.” Dean hiccuped a sob he couldn’t stop. He gave a watery, broken smile. “Mom smiled at me from across the room. That was the last time I saw her.”

It was several minutes before Dean could say anything else. The tears had started and they were too much to hold back. “Dad tried to help her, but the house wasn’t built to code and the flames took over fast. Before he could help her up and out, a rafter fell on her. The whole roof was coming down and he had to get out. He didn’t want to leave her, but she told him to go, to take care of us.”

Sam didn’t say anything, he just pulled Dean into a tight hug. Dean didn’t know if Sam was sad for himself - Sam hadn’t known their mother, but maybe that was worse? - or just for Dean, but he was grateful for the hug, whether it was meant to give or take comfort. They held tight for a long moment, with neither speaking.

Dean finally pushed Sam away with a gruff, “Love you, bro” which Sam reciprocated.

“Wanna see what else is in there?” Sam asked.

Dean pulled out the bottle, which proved to be perfume. He knew before he opened it that it would smell like her. “This was what she smelled like, Sam. Like flowers and vanilla and rain.” He inhaled deeply again before passing the bottle to his brother. Sam sprayed it onto a throw pillow, then they took turns burying their face in it.

Next, Dean pulled out the journals. There was one for Sam and one for him, written in by their mother, starting on the day she knew she was pregnant with each of them. She’d written down events, but she’d also written letters to each son, telling them how much she loved them and all her hopes and wishes for them. There were pictures, too. Of her with each of them  and both of them. Of her alone and with John. Of John and each boy.

Both boys were crying by the time they stopped looking through the journals. Dean didn’t make it all the way through his. He figured he’d save a bit for later. He dove back into the box. The jewelry box contained her wedding ring and a necklace. Dean gave Sam the necklace and took the ring for himself. The last item in the box besides the sweater was the audio tape. He held it up and asked, “Wanna take a ride while we listen?”

Sam said that he did, so Dean decided they’d grab dinner while they were out. He thought they deserved something better than fast food, so Dean asked if Sam wanted to go by the popular local restaurant. They had only been once before, but he knew Sam loved it because they had about a million different kinds of vegetables.

“Hell yeah!” was his brother’s enthusiastic reply. When Sam’s stomach growled loudly before he’d even shut the passenger door, Dean thought it was best if they went to dinner first and listened to the tape on the way home. Sam didn’t even put up a token protest, though he’d already been putting the tape in the cassette deck before his stomach had given him away.

The place was pretty packed, since it was Friday, but a table had just cleared when they walked in, so they didn’t have to wait long to be seated. Sam was chattering excitedly about what he was going to order - since Dean had given him a free pass for whatever he wanted tonight - when Dean’s phone chirped. The caller ID showed that it was Andrea, so he picked up.

“Andrea, hey, what’s up?” he said as the hostess seated them, handed them menus and walked away.

“Dean, hi. Sorry to trouble you on a Friday night, but is there any way Gabriel can come over and spend the night tonight? They called me last minute for a shift.”

“Uh, yeah, that’s not a problem. We just got seated at the restaurant, though. Can you give me an hour for us to order and eat and then I’ll pick him up?”

“Absolutely! That’s fine. I was going to drop him off after we ate, but if you can pick him up, then that’s perfect. Thank you so much, Dean!”

“Sure, Andrea. See you soon.”

Sam was busy studying the menu. Dean couldn’t tell if he’d heard the exchange or had been too busy dreaming of vegetables. “Hey, Sammy, did you hear?”

“Hm? No, I wasn’t listening. Did you know they have seven different kinds of salad here? That’s not even counting all the cooked vegetable dishes…” He still hadn’t looked up from the menu.

“Do you think we should order a dessert for Gabe?”

“Yeah, I - wait, what?” Sam looked up at last, eyes wide.

“That was Andrea. Gabe’s coming over to spend the night.”

“Really?” Dean nodded and Sam broke into a wide grin.

“We’re picking him up after we eat, so you better hurry up and pick your rabbit food before the waitress comes back.”

Once they ordered, Dean excused himself to go to the restroom. He was halfway there when he heard a familiar voice call his name. Then he heard another, less pleasant one shout his last name. It took a second, but he finally spotted the table full of Angeles siblings, Cas among them and looking horribly uncomfortable.

“Hey, Winchester, how’s it hangin? You up for some pool at Murphy’s after this? We’re all heading over there, as soon as we convince Castiel not to be a spoil sport just coz he’s wounded.” This was from Zach.

Dean smiled as best he could, mostly at Cas. “Nah, man, wish I could, but I got my little brother with me.” He gestured vaguely in the direction of his table. Zach mumbled something shitty about little brothers being a drag and Cas’ eyes pleaded for rescue. Dean quickly offered, “I can give Cas-stiel a ride home, if you want, though. That way you guys can go on and have fun.”

Raph answered with a resounding yes and the rest of the table - except Anna - quickly agreed that this was a wonderful idea. Cas still had half a plate of food, so Dean said, “Just come over whenever you’re done.”

But Cas was all too anxious to get away from his brothers. “I’m sure they’re in a hurry to leave, so why don’t I just take my food over there and let them get out of here?”

Dean eyed the restroom. “Uh, sure, man, just let me hit the head and I’ll be back to grab your plate, is that cool?”

When they were finally walking about to Sam and Dean’s table, Cas said gratefully, “You are the best friend, ever.”

Dean asked, “Oh, we’re just friends now?” and raised his eyebrows with a smirk. He thoroughly enjoyed the red flush that spread across Castiel’s cheeks.

Sam looked pleased when he caught sight of Cas walking toward the table and that raised Dean’s spirit like it always did. “Heya, Cas! Sit here next to me.” Sam scooted over to the inside chair to allow room for Cas.

Dean badly wanted to smile at Cas in a way that showed how happy he was to see him, but he also knew that they couldn’t take a chance on looking anything like a couple while Castiel’s brothers were still in the immediate area. So he settled for a friendly smile and “accidentally” bumping Cas’ good foot under the table a few times. It wasn’t long before he saw the Angeles clan depart and he could relax a bit. In the meantime, Sam was talking the poor guy’s ear off, anyway, about Gabe coming over and 100 other topics he thought Cas might care about. If there were any Cas _didn’t_ care about, the blue eyed boy gave no indication at all.

Dean smiled to himself, watching them interact. It made him extremely happy that they got along so well. He figured Sam probably felt the same way when Gabe and Dean were bonding over pie. He decided on the spot that he would indeed order dessert to go for Sam’s guest. This was shaping up to be a good night, despite his earlier crying jag.

When their food arrived, Dean dug into his with gusto. It wasn’t often he got good food he hadn’t had to prepare himself and he intended to enjoy it to the fullest. He’d even gotten a salad to go with his meal to appease Sammy’s worry over his health. They had the kind of salad he liked best, the one with all the little crunchy trimmings and toppings that made the mostly tasteless veggies palatable to him.

“So, Cas, you staying over, too?” Sam asked before shoveling another huge bite of salad into his mouth.

Dean hadn’t invited him and Cas started to look uncomfortable, flicking his blue eyes in Dean’s direction, but the elder Winchester just smiled and asked, “Yeah, Cas, you want to?”

“Of course,” Cas said, smiling back with all his teeth.

“No hanky-panky, you two,” Sam said, gesturing with his fork and trying to look stern. It was a wasted effort because he couldn’t keep his mouth from breaking into a grin at the sight of their flustered faces.

It wasn’t until they had finished dessert - with Sam stating the pie was good, but nowhere close to Dean’s homemade and nearly making Dean cry _again_ \- and had gotten to the car that Dean realized they wouldn’t be able to listen to the tape, after all. Well, he supposed they could’ve, but he didn’t really want an audience for that. They had waited this long for the tape, though. What was one more day?

“Want me to swing by your house so you can grab a bag?” Dean asked Cas once they had picked up Gabe. “I can just loan you some stuff if you want. I’m pretty sure we’ve got some new toothbrushes in the closet, too.”

“I guess you should take me over there, so I can leave a note and let them know where I am. Ordinarily they don’t question it, but I’m on their radar right now, so they’ll be really attentive to my movements for a while.” For some reason, this made Dean think about April and he promised himself he was going to remember to find out why Castiel’s brothers had put him through that. He had forgotten the night before.

“Sure, no problem. Gabe, you be cool with going over there? They aren’t home or anything. They all went to Murphy’s before we came to get you.”

“Whatever you say, Dean-O. Thanks for the pie, by the way. It was pretty good. Not as good as yours, though.”

Dean went very still, ignoring the compliment for the moment, though he took it to heart. “Sam, are you letting your friend eat sticky, gooey pie in my back seat?” His voice was low and threatening.

Dean saw Sam in the mirror, rolling his eyes. “Please, Dean. As if. He ate the whole thing on the walk from his house to the car.” Sam sounded somewhere between disgusted and impressed. Dean relaxed and laughed. Cas gave him a fond smile.

Cas only took a few minutes to grab what he needed. The only thing Dean had to help with was carrying the bag once it was packed. After he had handed the bag to Dean, Cas hesitated and then pulled a small book from a shelf and added it to the bag.

Then they were heading back. Gabe acted so ridiculously all the way home that he kept them laughing until they were back inside the house. When they got inside, Cas pulled the small book from his bag and handed it to Sam. The boy looked confused.

“What’s this, Cas?”

“It’s the book about the bees I told you about. I saw it when I was packing and I thought you might like to borrow it.”

Dean didn’t understand the shock on Sam’s face until he said, “But Cas, this was your mom’s. Are you sure?” His voice was breathy and full of awe.

“Of course, Sam. I know you’ll take care of it.” Cas smiled at Sam and Dean was pretty sure he was lost for good in that moment.

Sam threw his arm around Cas in a fierce hug and they both nearly toppled over. Luckily, Dean’s reflexes kept everyone upright.

“Whoa there, Sammy! The guys’ got a leg cast, remember?”

“Sorry, man,” Sam said sheepishly. “Thanks again, though.” They smiled at each other and then Sam took the book and put it up in his room for safe keeping.

Once that was all squared away, the younger two boys settled down in the living room to watch a movie, while Cas and Dean headed up to what Dean had already begun to think of as his new room.

"I'm really glad you came to Donatello's tonight, Dean," Cas said with a smile.

"Me, too." Dean's answering smile was even more soft and sappy than he'd wanted it to be in the restaurant and he didn't even care. He didn't let the moment linger, though. He knew he'd start kissing Cas if he did and that might lead to other things and Dean wanted to talk before that happened.

He sat on the bed, legs stretched out in front of him and waited for Cas to do the same. He didn't offer to help, but he did tell Cas to let him know if he needed any. Apparently, he didn't.

"So, uh, Sam and I opened that box tonight. That's actually why I treated us to dinner."

He had all Cas' attention instantly. "What was in it? Were there more pictures?" Dean nodded. "I want to see, Dean! Will you show me?"

So Dean ran downstairs to get his journal and the wedding pictures. He pointedly ignored the kiss that broke apart when he walked in the living room, but he couldn't resist calling, "No hanky-panky, you two!" over his shoulder as he went up the stairs. He wondered if Sam could hear his smirk because he was almost certain he had felt Sammy's eye roll.

Dean was surprised to see that Cas looked genuinely excited to see the photos. He showed him the wedding ones first and Cas held them reverently, looking at each one as if he knew the people in the photos. As soon as Cas had seen the first one, he’d smiled and said, “She was very beautiful, Dean. You look a lot like her.” Then he’d continued looking at the others, saying nothing, but maintaining the same soft smile. When he had finished the stack, he handed the pictures to Dean to put away. “Thank you for sharing those with me, Dean.”

“This is, uh, a journal she made for me. She started it before I was born. She made Sam one, too. I haven’t looked all the way through it yet, but there are some more pictures in it, so you can look through it.” He handed the book over to Cas, who took it very carefully, as though it might break in his hands.

Blue eyes flashed up, wide and uncertain. “Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude. This seems private.”

“No, I want you to see, Cas. It’s ok. Unless...if you don’t want to…” It was Dean who looked uncertain now.

“Oh, I do, I just, you know, didn’t want you to feel like you had to show me if you weren’t comfortable.”

“Ah. Ok, well, it’s fine.” He didn’t watch Cas flip through the book, instead busying himself with looking around the room and thinking about what he’d change. “There was some other stuff in the box, too. One of her sweaters, her perfume, some jewelry and...some papers about her death and stuff that happened after.”

Cas glanced up from the journal, interest clearly piqued. He acted as though he wanted to ask something, but he shook his head and went back to his reading. Dean had already told the story once today and he really didn’t want to go through it again. On the other hand, if he told Cas now, he wouldn’t have to bring it up again later.

“Did I tell you how she died?” Dean knew he hadn’t, but he didn’t just want to launch into the story without preparing Cas first. Cas looked up and shook his head, brows creased together in concern. Dean told the story for the second time that day. He managed not to cry this time, but it was a close thing. When he had finished, he realized that Cas was holding his hand. He didn’t know how long they had been that way, but he found it immensely comforting.

Cas asked one or two questions, but mostly they just sat in silence for a few minutes, holding hands and staring into each others’ eyes. Dean didn’t mind a bit. After a while, though, Cas finally looked back down at the journal. He would occasionally dart his eyes back up to Dean’s and smile. When he got near the end, he flipped to a new page and almost immediately glanced back up at Dean. “Did you know your mom made you a savings account on the day you were born?”

“Huh? No, lemme see.” Sure enough, in the back of the journal was a page from a spreadsheet, with all the account info, listing the account number and deposits. Dean decided they would look into it tomorrow. At the moment, he was too relaxed and was enjoying sitting there stretched out close to Cas too much.

“Do you mind if I look through the pictures and the journal again?”

“No, go ahead.”

Dean just lay there next to Cas on the big bed, staring at the ceiling, while Cas finished looking at the journal and photos for the second time. He remembered then that, because of various events, Cas had never explained why his brothers had hired April.

As soon as Cas put down the pictures again, Dean asked him. Castiel's eyes met his and dropped to his lap, watching the long fingers twine around each other nervously. Finally, he sighed and asked for help getting comfortable.

"I'm not avoiding the question. It's just a long story." Dean accepted the reason in silence and just waited. "Do you remember the friend I told you about before?"

Dean thought for a moment before shaking his head. "No, sorry. Remind me?"

"Sam Andriel?"

Recognition flashed and Dean said, "Oh! Yeah the sleepover guy. I was super jealous of him." He gave a self-deprecating smile at that and Cas answered in kind.

"Don't be. We seemed to be very close for a while, but he stopped being my friend in an instant, so we were obviously not as close as I believed." Cas rubbed his eye a few times, but Dean didn't think it was from emotion. "I had really just started into puberty and had begun to realize that I was different from most boys my age. I mean, I was always _different_ , but in this case I'm only talking about sexuality."

"Did you like him as more than a friend?"

Cas thought about it. "Hard to say. I wasn't attracted to him. I just felt like, from some of the things we had talked about, he might also like boys." Cas frowned. "One night, it was late and we were sharing secrets. He'd swiped a couple of really terrible wine coolers from his sister, so we were actually pretty tipsy. Maybe bordering on drunk."

Cas paused to rub his eye again. "Sorry, I think I may be allergic to something. Can you get me a wet cloth?"

Dean checked the bathroom, but the closet was empty. He needed to remind Sam it was his turn to fold the towels. He went downstairs to grab some clean cloths from the basket.

He wasn't prepared to find Sam and Gabe kissing on the couch, but he just blushed and kept walking. He cleared his throat as he went, so they knew he was nearby. It did the trick because on his way back they were sitting a foot apart on the couch.

"Leave room for your guardian angel, Sammy!" he called out as he started up the steps. He chuckled when he heard Sam groan in humiliation.

"Jerk!"

"Bitch!"

He got the cloth wet in the bathroom and brought it to the brunet. "Hey, sorry, had to get one from downstairs. Here you go." Then he groaned in frustration. "I forgot to remind Sam about folding the laundry. Shit." Then he decided to take the lazy way and send his brother a text.

By the time he was done, Cas' eye looked a little better. "Thanks, Dean. Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh right, drunk." He half smiled. "We were sharing secrets and I was half asleep on wine coolers and I blurted out that I thought I liked boys as well as girls." Cas face looked younger suddenly. Every bit of vulnerability he must have felt back them showed clearly on his face now.

Cas explained how Sam Andriel had asked him why he'd told him that. “I told him it was because I had thought it seemed like maybe he felt the same way, but he jumped up, really angry. He threw on his clothes and started yelling about how he wasn’t any ‘pansy faggot’. His yelling woke up my brothers and they came running. So he yelled at them to take him home because he wasn't ‘gonna spend another night with a gross queer’.” Cas looked pale, just thinking back on it.

"There was more, but you get the gist of it. After they took him home, my brothers asked me what he was talking about. I didn’t know what to do. I felt betrayed and humiliated and I was scared. In the end I denied having said it and they seemed to believe me, but...when 3 years had gone by and I still hadn't had a girlfriend that they knew about...They took matters into their own hands. Decided to ‘cure’ me with April." His voice turned bitter. "They went through all the stuff in my room and figured out what to have April talk to me about and...You know one of the stupidest parts is that I'd _had_ a couple girlfriends, I just hadn't talked about them."

Dean reached over and stroked Cas’ arm. “What a douchebag that guy was. I already knew your brothers were, but I still can't believe they did all that, that you ended up...Damn, I guess I get why you lock your door now.” He made an angry face. “Man, I just wanna punch all of them. Can’t punch April coz she’s dead, can’t punch your brothers coz there’s too many of them and they’re all rich...how about Sam Andriel? He still around? Can I punch him in the dick?”

Cas laughing was an unexpected but welcome surprise. “No, Dean, he moved away years ago. I appreciate the sentiment, though.” As best he could, he scooted toward Dean on the bed. “Let’s do something more fun than talk about my past.”

Dean’s interest was instantly piqued. “Oh, yeah? Like what?” He asked with a suggestive smile.

“Well, to start with, I was thinking I’d like to kiss you again.”

  
After that, they didn’t do much more talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. Do you need a tissue? That was rough, right?  
> Stay tuned. Updating with another chapter in a few minutes. ~~At least there is plenty of smut coming up.~~


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam get very good news. Gabe and Sam take a big step in their relationship. Dean and Cas step up their making out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is almost 100% schmoop, smut and graphic depictions of maple syrup. And tons of Sabriel for those of you who are looking for that sort of thing.
> 
> **Trigger warnings: Parental abandonment**

It had taken some doing, but on Saturday while Dean was at work, Sam had finally located the bank that now had their savings accounts. The Lawrence Federal Savings and Loan had been bought out years before by a larger bank. Not too many years later that bank had in turn been merged with an even larger bank and tracking down the continued existence of his account had been no easy task. Dean was not ashamed that he’d let his 12 year old brother take over the job. Sam was so much better at that sort of research.

Sam had had to call the bank to find out how to get them set up online, but he had gotten that all done just before Dean got home from Bobby’s. He hadn’t logged into either account yet to see how much money they still contained. The fact that they still existed, miracle though it was, meant that they weren’t empty and that was something. Dean’s first assumption had been that John had spent the money long ago, but if he had, he hadn’t spent it all.

Cas and Gabe were both still at the house and they were almost as excited as if they were the ones who might have money. Dean was trying not to be too hopeful and trying to keep Sammy from getting too excited, either. Winchesters didn’t get windfalls from nowhere. What luck they came across was generally the bad kind. Or so John had taught Dean from an early age and, to be fair to his father, Dean hadn’t seen a lot to change that belief. Of course, a lot of his own bad luck had come from John, so it was hard to say.

“Well, here goes nothing,” Dean said as he typed in the username and password Sam had given him. He was taken to a screen with a list of his accounts. There was only one there, but beside the number was the balance. Dean felt his blood run cold, then hot. He couldn’t believe the number that he saw. He knew from the journal that his mother had made a deposit every year on or near his birthday, including a few days after he was born. She’d put $1000 the first two years and $500 each year after that - but he assumed nothing else had been added since she died.

He checked and noted that the interest rate was non-variable and that had no doubt helped. Sam’s had only had the one deposit, so he was sure it would be less, but if it had the same non-variable interest rate, he’d still have a pretty good start on a college fund, especially if Dean could add to it. Dean Winchester himself currently had over $12,000 in the bank. His other account, that he added to himself as often as he could, only had a little over $2000 in it. Then he realized that really meant he had almost $15,000 in savings, and he was sure his heart stopped for a second.

“Sam,” he said hoarsely, to get his brother’s attention back from Gabe for a moment. “Sammy, there’s...a lot of money here.” Sam’s eyes widened when he saw where Dean’s finger was pointing.

So they logged out of Dean’s account and into Sam’s. Sam’s interest rate was not only non-variable, it had been higher than Dean’s. So despite the lack of additional deposits, he still had close to $6000 in the bank. Sammy’s eyes were saucers.

“Now look, Sam. We aren’t gonna blow this money, all right? This is gonna be your college fund. I’m gonna try to keep putting money in it, so it gets really big by the time you’re ready to go to Harvard and get some fancy stupid degree.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Stanford, Dean, I told you.”

“Right, well, whatever, we aren’t gonna blow this money. Or the money that’s in mine, either.” Then he smiled at Sam, so hard it hurt his cheeks and he didn’t care. “But the money that’s in my regular savings account? _That_ we are gonna do some fun shit with!” He sobered for a moment. “Well, and get some stuff we need...but still - fun stuff, Sammy!” He said with a bright grin.

“That’s awesome, Dean! When do we start?”

“Hm...well, let’s start small and that’ll give us time to come up with bigger stuff. Ooh! Hey, I know, how about that ice cream place you wanted to check out in Kansas City last time we were there?”

“Yes!”

 “I’ll have to call Andrea and make sure Gabe can - “

“Hey mom?” Gabe’s voice interrupted as he called his mother. “Dean wants to take us all to Kansas City for ice cream, can I go?” There was a pause as he listened. “He was gonna call you himself, but I beat him to it. Can I go?” Gabe listened again, then made a frustrated groan. “Ok, here he is...She wants to talk to you, Dean,” he explained as he handed the phone over.

 

* * *

 

For Sam, it had been a great weekend so far. He’d gotten to have Gabe over Friday night and he’d gotten to hang out with Cas a little bit. He liked seeing his own boyfriend for obvious reasons, but he liked seeing his brother’s boyfriend, too. Cas treated him like a person instead of a kid, for one thing. That meant a lot to him. Plus, he and Cas had a lot in common, interests wise. When Sam said he was having trouble with his research for history, Cas had even given Sam his number to call him if he needed help. On top of all that, Cas made Dean happy and Sam maybe liked that about Cas best of all. Dean hadn’t been happy most of the time Sam had been alive.

This weekend made it seem like maybe that was about to change, though. Things were finally starting to look up for them. Like Dean, Sam had grown up feeling like a good thing was just a hiding place for a bad one, but even if things went downhill again, he didn’t care. He was gonna have fun with today and not worry about the bad luck that might be breathing down his neck tomorrow. He saw a future that wasn’t filled with drunk dad and empty pockets. He saw friends and happiness in his future and he wasn’t going to give that dream up.

When they got to the ice cream place, Gabe kept trying to make him laugh by doing dirty things with his spoon every time Dean and Cas weren’t looking. Sam knew without looking when Cas had spotted his nephew making out with a utensil. Gabe had frozen in place, tongue wrapped halfway around the spoon, wide-eyed look of fear on his face. He blushed a bright, bright red and the whole thing was so funny, Sam had bust out laughing. Gabe had dropped the spoon and given Sam an annoyed smirk, so Dean was very confused when he looked between them. That only served to make Sam laugh harder. He recognized vaguely that Cas was laughing, too, but the idea barely registered.

By the time he’d gotten it under control, his sides and face were sore from the work out. Tears were drying on his face and he was still catching his breath. He might have calmed down sooner, but Dean kept setting him off again with his look of concern and he kept making eye contact with Cas, who was in the same teary yet grinning state.

“What is _with_ you two?”

When Sam finally had his voice, he tried to tell Dean, but he couldn’t get the words out. Cas took over instead, saying, “My step-nephew there was having lewd interactions with his ice cream spoon.” Dean just stared for a moment and then rolled his eyes. He muttered about people acting like children, but when Cas mimicked Gabe’s actions with his own spoon, Dean turned red first and then laughed out loud.

“Really, Gabe?” He said with a grin.

Gabe finally lost the look of pouty anger he’d been sporting during the laughing fit and half smiled. “Yeah, well, I just wanted to make Sam-o laugh and I guess it worked, right?”

“Maybe a little too well, there, kiddo,” Dean agreed.

After the ice cream parlor, they’d gone to the arcade. It wasn’t as crowded as Sam had expected it to be because there was construction out front, making it appear closed. The manager was so happy to see four new customers walk in, he gave each of them 25 prize tickets to start off. Sam kicked Gabe’s ass at a first person shooter, but Gabe beat him out in skee-ball. He took on Dean for basketball and lost, but he was the ungracious victor in an air hockey battle with Cas.

“Wow, Sammy, real impressive, beating the guy with one arm,” Dean chastised him.

“Oh, please, Dean, even with one arm, I bet Cas is better than you. He wasn’t easy to beat!”

Cas challenged, “Yeah, Dean, you wanna try your luck?” and after their all out puck war, only Sammy knew that Dean had let Cas win. He wasn’t going to tell, though.

When they were done, Dean and Cas gave their tickets to Sam and Gabe and told them to go crazy. Sam got Dean a giant rainbow slinky because he remembered when they were younger and Dean had really wanted one. John had said something really mocking and crappy, instead of just explaining he didn’t have the money, and Sam wanted to give Dean a better memory. He got Cas a clip-on bookmark in the shape of a goofy cherub. He got a silly little teddy bear for Gabe when no one was looking and he hid it in his jacket.  After that, Gabe didn’t have enough for what he wanted, so Sam gave him the rest of his tickets.

Dean challenged Sam to one more game as they waited for Gabe to finish and Cas leaned against another machine to watch. Sam saw him pop a pill into his mouth and started to ask if he was all right, but then Dean was trash talking and Sam got distracted. Sam was playing his turn when he heard Cas ask Dean for the keys to go ahead and get him and Gabe in the car. Dean was watching the screen and just dug the keys out without looking, so neither of them saw the other two leaving.

Dean beat him, but it was a close game. Sam didn’t really mind. He just enjoyed the bonding time with his brother. He thought Dean felt the same way, but the guy really did like to win, so it was hard to say. He ran into his brother’s back once they were outside. Dean had stopped dead in the middle of the doorway as he walked through it.

“Dean, what the - “

“Sammy, I’m not sure you have a seat for the ride home.”

“Huh?” He pushed in front of his brother and looked over at the car. There was a huge stuffed animal taking up a large portion of the back seat. There would be room for Sam, but only barely. “What did Gabe _do_?”

When he opened the back door, Gabe beamed at him. “Gotcha a present, Sam-O! You like it?”

Sam had seen the large teddy bear hanging behind the ticket counter, but he’d thought it was just for decoration. He wasn’t sure how even with his tickets Gabe had been able to get it. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know because he was pretty certain it wasn’t by the rules of fair game play.

“Wow, Gabe, I - wow.” Sam laughed and then his face broke into a smile. However Gabe had gotten it, he’d gotten it for _him_. “I love it, Gabe.” He pulled Gabe into a hug, kissing his cheek as they broke apart. The sandy-haired boy blushed for the second time that day. “Thanks, man. Not sure where I’m supposed to sit, though.”

“What? There’s plenty of room! And anyway, there’s always my lap,” Gabe teased with an eyebrow wiggle.

“Absolutely not, boys,” Dean said sternly, but Sam could see that his eyes were crinkled and the corners of his mouth were turned up slightly. “Sam, go ahead and see if you two can squeeze back there, but if you don’t have enough room to get to your seat belt, one of you is sitting up front.”

They made room. When they were on the road and no one from the front seat was paying attention, Sam gave Gabe a firm kiss on the mouth for the present. “I love it,” he whispered. Gabe reached around him and turned the bear’s paw up so Sam could see.

It said “I love you” in bright red letters with a heart underneath. The world got blurry after Sam read that and he felt like there was no air in the car. His heart was practically bursting out of his chest. For a long moment, he stared at the paw, unable to speak at all. Finally, he turned to Gabe, a lump in his throat and said, “You, too.” His smile wobbled and his eyes were wet, but he wasn’t embarrassed because Gabe’s smile and eyes looked the same way.

Then Sam realized he still had Gabe’s present in his pocket. “Oh, I almost forgot, I got you something, too. It’s not as cool as what you got me, but…” He pulled the small stuffed animal from his jacket. The teddy bear was holding a big piece of candy and its chest said, “You're beary sweet.”

“I love it, Sam.” Gabe smiled at him and then took the bear and tucked it in his own jacket. He took Sam’s hand and their fingers twined together. Then Gabe leaned his head over on Sam’s shoulder and they stayed like that the rest of the way home, not even talking.

 

* * *

 

Knowing they were no longer on the verge of constant financial collapse took a weight off Dean that he hadn’t really known he’d been carrying. He paid the rent up a few months in advance and that made him feel even better. It made him feel like he knew where he’d be for those 3 months and he really liked the stability of that feeling.

He wanted to get some things they needed with the “extra” money, too, but mostly he wanted Sam to be able to do some fun things that they normally didn’t get to do because money was tight. Maybe it was irresponsible not to save every penny, but he thought saving the big accounts and paying up the rent offset that. Anyway, he decided, responsible or not, Sammy deserved some good times.

Sunday, when Gabe and Cas had both gone back home, Dean announced that they were going shopping. He let Sam pick out some new clothes, which he had needed for a while. He even got him the backpack he’d been drooling over for months. He pretended to let Sam drag him to the bookstore against his will, but he ended up with more books than Sammy. They had lunch in the food court and talked about school and about Gabe and Cas a little bit.

Then Sam asked, out of the blue, “Do you think Mom would be happy, seeing us now? Like, knowing she did this for us even though she’s not here?”

“Yeah, Sammy, I think she’d be really happy.” Dean’s voice was thick and he ignored the wet feeling in his eyes.

“Me, too. I wish I’d known her, Dean.”

“Yeah, Sam, so do I.” Now the tears threatened to fall and Dean made a big show of dropping his napkin so he could bend down and wipe his eyes.

“I know she must have been a good mom, though,” Sam said nodding thoughtfully around a bite of veggie burger.

“Oh, yeah? How do you figure? I mean, she was. She was the best mom. But why do you think so?”

Sam rolled his eyes, as though the answer should have been obvious. “Because of you, Dean. You didn’t turn out the way you are because of Dad. So you must have learned it from her.”

Dean couldn’t believe that Sam didn’t know the effect his words were having on his big brother, but the kid’s face was oblivious innocence. He was just looking around the food court with detached curiosity and eating his weird food like he wasn’t making Dean want to bawl like a baby.

He cleared his throat so loudly a woman at the next table glanced over. Then he said, “Uh, thanks, Sam. That means a lot. Love you, bro.”

“You, too, jerk,” Sammy replied with a grin.

When they were finished shopping, Dean went to get the Impala, leaving Sam with the bags, so they wouldn’t have to lug them so far. Dean hopped in the car and automatically turned on the radio to find some tunes. Nothing happened at first and then he saw that there was a cassette in the deck. He shrugged and started backing out.

When the sound came out of the speakers, he nearly sideswiped the car next to him. He pulled back into the space. The female voice, singing so very sweetly, was one he thought he had forgotten. As soon as he heard it again, though, his mind filled in memories of other times he had heard it.

When she had finished with "Hey Jude", Mary Winchester had turned further from the microphone and said, "Well, Dean, what do you think? Does your new brother like our lullaby? It's nice of you to share it with him."

"Course he does, Mommy! You sing like a angel. Anyways, I gotta share wif Sammy. He's my baby bruvver."

"All right, you 3. It's bedtime for kiddos," said a deep voice close to the recorder.

Dean flipped off the radio, tears burning his eyes. “Shit,” he said, backing out to go get his brother. When he drove up to the doors, Sam didn’t look pissed, so that was good. Dean hopped out and helped him load the bags into the back seat. “Sorry it took me so long,” Dean said when they were both in the car and rolling away.

“Yeah, dude, what happened? You forget where the car was parked, old man?” his brother teased.

Dean smiled, but reached up to rewind the tape without saying anything. When it stopped, he turned the radio off again. “Sam, I forgot we had put the tape from mom’s box in the stereo. I turned it on when I got in the car. You wanna listen?”

“What? Hell yeah, man! Play it!” Sam’s face was reverent and excited.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Sam couldn’t wait to tell Gabe about the tape. Andrea Trixton had called when they were on the drive back from the mall. She could pick up extra hours all week and wanted to know if Gabe could ride home with Sam every day and get picked up later. Dean had had no problem with it, so Andrea had written the note for Gabe to ride home on Sam’s bus. Gabriel would just spend the night on Monday, as that shift would be later than the others.

As soon as they got dropped off at the end of the street, they were running for the door. They had spent the bus ride bumping shoulders, since they couldn't hold hands and neither of them could wait to be away from prying, judgmental eyes. Once through the door, Sam grabbed Gabe and kissed him. Normally, he let Gabe take the lead, but he was full of emotion today and needed to let it out. If Gabe’s expression was anything to go by, he was surprised, but very pleased.

Rather than starting any kind of makeout session, though, they ended the kiss with a tight hug. Sam had bigger things on his mind than hormones. He drug Gabe to the couch by the hand, but Gabe, naturally, demanded drinks and snacks, so they got up and headed to the kitchen instead.

Gabe went over to examine the bookshelves in the corner. When Sam opened the fridge, he realized that Dean had made snacks for them the night before. He laughed as he pulled out one tray marked “For Normal People” and a second labeled “For Gabe”.

“Looks like Dean cooked for us,” Sam said to get Gabe’s attention as he set the trays on the counter and went back to grab drinks.

Gabe walked over and laughed out loud. “Some of these are just vegetables covered in maple syrup.”

“You gonna eat them?”

“Of course! Didn’t I mention _the maple syrup_?”

“You dork.”

“Yeah, Sam-O, but I’m your dork,” Gabe said with a grin. He looked so sweet and sincere that Sam swooped in for a kiss before Gabe even knew what was happening. His smile widened. “Or we could kiss some more and then eat.” He waggled his eyebrows, but reached for syrup-slathered broccoli without waiting for an answer.

“Ok, so,” Sam said, popping a piece of spinach wrap in his mouth. He washed it down with soda and told Gabe, “Dean and I finally listened to the tape of my mom and it was just...man, it was great. She was singing and talking to Dean and my dad was on it, too. After that, on a different day, she read a poem about angels watching over us and she told a couple jokes.” For the first time, Sam frowned. “There was a part where my dad read us a bedtime story, too. I can’t imagine that.”

Then he laughed. “And Dean was _cute_ , man. He’d be so mad if he heard me say that, but he was freakin’ _adorable_ as a kid.” He ate another bite before he said, “Anyway, I mean, it kind of made me sad on the one hand, because I never got to know her, you know? But at the same time, it’s kinda cool that there was this person I don’t know - and she didn’t really know me, I mean, I was a baby - but she loved me. I guess this is what mean when they say “bittersweet”, right?” His half smile was sad as he put another snack in his mouth.

“I know you and I _still_ love you,” Gabe teased.

Sam smiled and shoved his shoulder gently. “Dork.” He stared down at the table and blushed as he said, “Love you, too.”

“Cool. Can we make out yet?”

Sam’s laugh filled the kitchen. “Gabe! Dude, you are unbelievable.”

Gabe smirked and continued eating sweetened vegetables. He didn’t look up as he told Sam, “I’m really glad you guys found that box of stuff. That must be so great.”

“Do you, uh, remember your dad? You’ve never talked about him or anything, so I didn’t wanna ask, but, since we’re on the subject…”

“My dad, uh…” Gabe’s shoulders sagged. “I was gonna try to make up something, but that’s stupid, huh? Not like you’re gonna judge me, right?” Sam frowned and shook his head no. “Yeah, well the truth is, I don’t even know my dad’s name. He apparently split when my mom was pregnant and never looked back.”

Sam suspected that Gabe’s nose looked red now because he was on the verge of tears. He wasn’t sure what to do, but he didn’t want to interrupt. He thought Gabe probably needed to talk about it. He didn’t want to spook him and make him stop talking. So he sat very still and waited.

“I mean, I get it, some people aren’t cut out to be parents, right? I mean I wish Uriel had realized that and stayed away - your dad, too, for that matter. But it still hurts, you know? To realize you were unwanted by somebody who helped make you. I mean, it’s kind of like you said, he didn’t know me, so it isn’t like he was rejecting _me_...but it still hurts...you know?”

He looked up at Sam with big, sad eyes then and Sam drew him into a tight hug. “Well, I know you and I _still_ don’t reject you.”

Gabe smiled and shoved him away. “You’re between me and my sweets, jerk.”

“Jackass.”

“You ready to make out yet?”

Sam groaned and rolled his eyes, but he let Gabe pull him into a quick kiss.

 

* * *

 

Since Sam had Gabe with him this week, Dean didn’t have to worry about bringing him along to visit Cas. He had promised Sam he’d bring Cas to their house at least once this week, though. Dean and Cas hadn’t done much in the way of making out over the weekend, since Sam and Gabe were in the house, but Dean was mostly just dying for a kiss. School had been typically craptastic and Dean wanted to wash it away with hands petting his hair and warm lips pressed against his and all the little sounds Cas made when he was really enjoying the kisses.

He knocked softly on the French doors and then stepped through when Cas called him inside. Cas was stretched out on the couch, reading one of the Narnia books. Dean walked right over and knelt down and took Castiel’s face in both his hands. “Missed you,” he said, before leaning forward and taking the kiss he wanted.

Cas apparently felt the same way as Dean because he responded to the kiss with as much or more passion as Dean was putting into it. Cas’ hands were not just petting Dean’s head, but roaming all over him. Then they were skimming over his hips and reaching down to squeeze his ass.

“Dean,” Cas breathed, as he moved his mouth across Dean’s jaw, “Can we - ” then on to his neck, “Do what - “ finally sucking a mark just behind and below Dean’s ear, “we did the other night? I dreamed about it last night and I’ve been thinking about it all day.” These words, too, were punctuated with kisses all over Dean’s face and neck.

They hadn’t gone as far again yet as they had the previous Wednesday. During their visits since, though, they’d started slowly working toward handjobs. Up to this point it had just been over the jeans or the underwear. Or it had been, until last night, when Dean had discovered that Cas hadn’t felt up to putting on underwear because of his cast.

“Fuck,” Dean said as Cas bit him. “Yeah, man, we can - shit - um, yeah, we can do that, but - oh hell, Cas - we could also, maybe, use our hands this time?”

Suddenly, Cas pulled back and stopped moving. His eyes were round and then his face broke into a grin. “Yes, Dean, yes, I want that,” he said, dragging Dean back forward and covering him in kisses once more. His cast was hampering his movements or he’d have gotten Dean’s pants undone as soon as they started kissing again.

“Whoa, whoa, Cas, take it easy, we’ve got a couple hours, you know.”

“I know, but I might want to do it twice.”

Dean didn’t put up any further protest. He let Cas lead this time and soon they were pants-free and holding each other’s cock. When Cas bit Dean’s neck, it brought him back to reality for long enough to realize they needed to make preparations. “Wait, Cas, I need to get washcloths.” He ran to the bathroom and back in record time. His knees were starting to ache already, so he grabbed a pillow and tossed it onto the floor so he could kneel on it.

“Wait, no, Dean, here,” Cas said, moving his casted leg further toward the back and making room for Dean to sit between his legs.

Dean was glad that they had both been tested, so they didn’t have to deal with condoms unless they wanted to. Castiel’s therapist had recommended it after the ordeal with April. Dean had done it after an awkward phone call from Rhonda after she’d found out from the doctor that she had chlamydia. Neither had had sex since the test, so they could do everything without latex between them.

Dean sat and they resumed kissing and stroking. Cas’ hand didn’t feel at all like his own and it didn’t know the movements he liked, but his touch was perfectly effective, nonetheless. Within minutes, Dean was panting and on the edge of orgasm. Cas wasn’t quite there yet, or didn’t seem to be, so Dean reached down with his other hand to cup his balls and give them a little squeeze. Cas responded instantly, gasping, “Dean, rag, _now_!”

Luckily, Dean had quick reflexes, even though his thoughts were slowed by his own arousal. He barely got the cloth in place before Cas was doubling over groaning, mouth open and eyes squeezed tightly shut. He fell over Dean heavily, spent. His hand was lax on Dean’s cock and his breath was hot on Dean’s shoulder.

Dean reached down to touch himself, but Cas reflexively started moving again when he touched his hand. It sucked the breath out of Dean when Cas’ hand tightened. With his casted arm, Cas did the best he could to try and rub Dean’s balls, but it was the look on his face that did Dean in. The sheer, blissed out fondness and desire to please was all it took and Dean was crying out, putting the cloth in place himself, just in time.

He collapsed with his forehead on Cas’ shoulder, heaving in great shuddering breaths. His hand found the back of Cas’ neck and he raised his head up for a kiss. This kiss was no tongues, just the press and release of lips, over and over for a full minute. It said everything Dean couldn’t say. Then he gave one last firm smack and stood up on shaking legs. He took the soiled rags to the bathroom and tossed them into the hamper.

When he got back, Cas was dozing, laying back over the edge of the couch. Dean smiled and took a picture of him with his phone, carefully making sure nothing from the waist down showed. Then he realized he had no pictures of them together and he really wanted one. He ran his knuckle down Cas’ cheek and woke him. “Dean? Sorry.” He smiled sleepily. “Come lay on the couch with me,” he said, reaching out for Dean.

Dean sat between his legs and laid over sideways, head on Castiel’s shoulder. He held his phone up and took their picture. Cas got annoyed that he hadn’t warned him, so Dean took another. Then he kissed Cas and took a third. Then he snuggled against Cas - not that he would ever use that word out loud - and allowed himself to relax, all the tension from the day gone.

Dean showed Cas all the pictures he’d taken and then they lay there not talking for a while, before eventually making lazy conversation. Cas shared a story about his mother, so Dean told Cas about the tape he and Sam had listened to. He could still hear her singing in his head and it was nice because he had forgotten her voice for so long.

“I’d like to hear it sometime, Dean. Oh, you know what? I have a thing…” Cas squinted in concentration, dropping his head to one side. “I have to remember where I put it, but it’s basically for copying an audio tape onto a computer file or CD. It hooks up to your computer.” He rubbed his bare stomach, absently, then frowned. “We should probably get dressed. Let me think for a minute about where I put that tape thing.”

Dean got his own clothes on and, when Cas was getting frustrated, offered to help with his clothes, too. His offer was declined, but Dean stood nearby, in case Cas fell over. He didn’t, but when he was done, he collapsed on the couch, worn out by the effort. Then he quickly sat back up, saying, “Oh, that’s right! I put it over there. Would you mind getting it yourself? It’s in that big wooden box.” Cas pointed and Dean walked over.

He retrieved the device and sat back down. He shoved at Cas’ shoulder with his own. “So, no round two, huh?” he teased the brunet.

Cas blushed slightly. “I may have been a bit overly optimistic. Not sure I can handle a second round.”

Dean grinned. “Knocked you out with one shot, huh?” He winked and Cas rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.

Then Cas sobered. “I wish you didn’t have to go. Or that I could come with you.” He rubbed the edge of Dean’s sleeve between his fingers. “It’s so lonely here all day. The best part of my day is with you, anyway, but even more so because there is nothing else. At least at the hospital there were nurses to break the monotony.”

“I’m sorry, man. I wish I could stay, too. Or you could come home with me. I know you said your brothers will make a fuss if you’re gone too much right now, but maybe soon.” He rubbed Cas’ thigh with his hand, thinking. “Can’t you get the doctor to release you back to school? We could ride back and forth together then.”

Cas shook his head. “No, he won’t let me back until my arm cast comes off so I can use two crutches.” Then he shrugged, shaking off the melancholy mood. “Doesn’t matter. You’re here now and I don’t wanna waste our time moping.” He smiled.

Dean smiled back. "Then how about we spend it kissing?"

"Kissing is good," Cas agreed with a nod.

Dean did his best to keep the kisses tender. Despite his best efforts, however, it soon became apparent that parts of him were more than ready for round two. He pulled back, trying to catch his breath. Cas didn't want to stop yet and tried to follow.

"Dean? You don't have to leave yet. Why are you stopping?"

Dean laughed. "Because you already told me that round two wasn't happening, but little Dean didn't get the memo, so I need to cool off."

Cas' smile was coy. "I might have been wrong about that, actually."

"Oh, yeah?" Dean could barely form the words.

Cas pulled Dean in for a kiss before whispering, "I definitely want round two, Dean."

This time they managed to take their time. It didn't make much difference what time Dean left, since Sam had Gabe and pizza, but he usually preferred to get out before Castiel's brothers got home. He decided, as Cas kissed him senseless, that he could make an exception.

This time, it wasn't merely passion that drove either of them. This time their eyes were open much of the time. It was the most intimate experience Dean could remember, except maybe that night in his new room. It was kind of a tie. They used the same method this time, but Dean had the presence of mind to get them cloths again, so their pants would remain clean.

As they rocked into one another, eyes locked, mouths parted, Dean felt something inside him give way, some emotional wall that he thought had been protecting him. He felt vulnerable, exposed, but he couldn't look away from those blue eyes. He saw something in their depths for a moment before it was gone, something that twisted in his gut. It was a sadness he didn’t understand, but wanted to eradicate. He cupped Cas’ face in both his hands, smiling down at him with soft eyes. He kissed him gently, eyes closing for the briefest second before opening again as he pulled away.

“Dean,” Cas whispered hoarsely before his eyes closed and his head snapped back.

Dean kept the movements of his hips steady as Cas shuddered beneath him. Dean thought he could so easily get used to the sight of Cas looking so red-cheeked and wrecked. This time, instead of collapsing afterward, Cas struggled to sit when the orgasm had passed. He grasped Dean’s hips and stilled the movement, then pulled Dean down for a deep kiss. Then he was reaching for Dean’s zipper. Dean started to help, but realized he could wait a few extra seconds. He didn’t want Cas to feel rushed and the guy was super independent.

And yeah, ok, it was just as great the second time when Cas’ fingers wrapped around his cock. He grunted when they touched him. Cas’ movements were less tentative this time, and less frantic. He tried different hand positions until he found the one that quickened Dean’s breathing the most. He stuck with that then, occasionally adding a new movement to make it last. Then the fingertips of his casted hand brushed against Dean’s balls, pressing and pulling them slightly downward.

Cas had the cloth in place, but Dean had a passing thought that he would have liked to see his come paint white stripes against Cas’ stomach. Then he looked into Cas’ face, saw how much he was enjoying getting Dean off and that was all it took. Dean came hard, Cas’ name a broken question spilling from his lips.

He felt overwhelmed by emotion. It wasn’t a new sensation, but one he’d never had after sex before. Realizing he was on the verge of tears, he got up quickly to take their cloths to the hamper. When he was inside the bathroom, he leaned over, bracing his hands on the sink. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and a couple of tears spilled out. He took deep breaths, trying to calm his swirling emotions. He was scared of what he was feeling. He wanted to go in there and grab Cas and never ever let go.

He splashed water on his face, then thought maybe Cas would like to wash his face, too. The guy had gotten pretty sweaty. He wet a rag and took it out to Cas, who took it gratefully. Once he’d wiped his face down, Dean took the cloth and pulled Cas in for a too tight hug that he turned into a forceful kiss. As Dean held Cas’ face in his hands, he felt the tears threatening again and he pulled back.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Cas looked worried.

Dean looked at him with shining eyes and just shook his head. He couldn’t speak. He didn’t know the words for what he was feeling and he didn’t trust his voice not to launch him into sobs. Instead, he gave Cas a watery smile and pressed a kiss on his forehead, then leaned his cheek against Castiel’s chest. Cas wrapped his arms around him, smoothing one hand over his hair and whispering shushing noises. It calmed Dean and he was able to breathe again without it hitching in his chest.

Then he noticed the time and raised up as if to get up and go. He really, really didn’t want to run into the Angeles brothers right now. He needed to go. He wanted to stay. Cas wanted him to stay. He texted Sam that he’d be later than usual, and  lay down against Cas’ chest again.

“Ok if I stay a while longer?”

Cas smiled down at him, pleased. “Of course.”

He didn’t know how long they lay there, just holding on to each other without speaking, but Dean was half dozing when the loud knock sounded at the door. He jumped up and off Cas. Knowing he might have the imprint of Cas’ shirt on his face, he ran for the bathroom, while Cas called out that he was on his way and struggled over to the door amid a series of graceless thumps.

“Hey, bro, Winchester’s still here?” It was Zach and Dean rolled his eyes.

“Yes, he’s helping me study all the stuff I’ve been missing.”

Dean flushed the toilet and ran the sink, splashing his face again while he was at it. Then he belched loudly and walked out with as much macho bravado as he could muster, saying, “Man, Castiel, chemistry is a bitch.” Then he looked at Zach as if he hadn’t realized anyone was at the door. “Oh, hey man, how’s it hangin’?”

Zach didn’t hang around long after that, making bullshit small talk for less than 5 minutes before he got bored and left. Dean and Cas sagged with relief as one when the door was locked behind him. Dean sighed and acknowledged aloud that he’d better get going. He pulled Cas in for a long, lingering kiss to let him know just how much he wanted to stay - or take Cas with him.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Cas,” he promised, his voice a husky mess.

“Goodbye, Dean.” Cas smiled at him, all trace of sadness gone now.

Dean forced himself to walk outside and over to his car. Then he made himself open the door and get inside. Everything inside him wanted to go back. To cling to Cas and not let go. He wasn’t sure he could handle these new feelings. Even when he was finally on the road, it was hard not to turn around and go back. He kept driving, though, and by the time he turned on his street, he felt the tug a little less.

When he got home, Sam and Gabe had fallen asleep in front of the tv. Gabe was against the arm of the couch and Sam was lying with his back against Gabe’s stomach and his head on the kid’s chest. They were holding hands. Dean pulled out his phone and took a couple of pictures, smiling.

Then he went upstairs, set his alarm and crashed earlier than he could remember going to bed in years. He had worried that he’d be unable to sleep, given his emotional state, but thankfully, two orgasms apparently trumped everything else and he was out within minutes. He woke well before the alarm and took a shower. A few thoughts of the previous evening and a few soapy strokes of his hand and his morning erection was no more. He thought about just how different his orgasms were with Cas and he had to smile.

Once dressed, he hurried downstairs to make breakfast. He expected Sam and Gabe to be awake, since they’d fallen asleep even earlier than he had, but they were still dead to the world, wrapped up with each other on the couch. He took another picture. He probably should have made them go to bed in separate rooms, but since they’d already been sleeping - and since he highly doubted they would have gotten up to anything on the couch - he hadn’t bothered.

At Sam’s insistence, he had bought some turkey bacon and he tossed that in a pan while he chopped vegetables for the scrambled eggs. He poured some orange juice over some Sprite and drank that while he cooked. He hated orange juice by itself, but drinking it this way was all right and as a bonus, it kept Sam off his back about vitamins and scurvy.

He buttered some bread and popped it into the broiler, then got to work on the eggs. As he had suspected, the smell of the bacon soon had two very groggy boys shuffling into the kitchen, eyes squinting and feet dragging.

“Dean? What time’s it?” Sam asked sleepily.

“I don’t know. Early. You sleep good?”

Sam looked embarrassed as he evidently realized that, of course, his brother had seen them on the couch. Then Dean saw him glance at Gabe and the embarrassment was replaced with something else. “Yeah, really good.” He looked at Dean a little worriedly then. “You’re not mad are you?”

“Dude, if you two managed to get up to anything serious on that busted ass old couch, I’d be more impressed than anything.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Well, we _didn’t_ , pervert.”

Dean grinned. What he thought was, _That’s ok, Cas and I got up to enough for the both of us_ , but he didn’t say it. What he did say was, “Good. Long as you keep it that way.”

He flipped bacon and poured some of the fat into another pan, then added the eggs. The toast timer dinged and he added those to a plate.

“Hey, Sammy, set the table?”

“Anything I can do?” Gabe offered.

“Uh, yeah, why don’t you pour you guys some orange juice?”

Dean served everyone as soon as it was all cooked and they sat down, Dean handing Gabe the syrup and strawberry preserves without being asked. He even added a little syrup to his own plate to dip his bacon in. It helped cover the turkey taste, but it wasn’t as good as it was with regular bacon.

“Dean, when I am rich and famous I’m going to hire you as my personal chef,” Gabe said as he polished off his last bite well ahead of either of the Winchesters.

That surprised a laugh out of Sam as well as Dean. “I’ll hold you to that, kid,” Dean promised. “Pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!” he said with a wink, laughing harder at Sam’s annoyed eye roll. “Come on, Sammy, at least pie has fruit, right? Fruit is practically vegetables.”

“You’re an idiot, Dean,” Sam said, but he was smiling.

“Hey, you’d better watch how you talk to your unpaid personal chef, buddy,” Dean teased. “I might decide to go on strike.”

Gabe’s face grew solemn. “Sam, please. Be nice to the man who makes the pies.”

Sam laughed and said, “Shut up, you dork.”

Dean finished his juice as he stood up and grabbed his empty plate. “All right, you two, settle down. Since I’m assuming neither of you had showers last night, you should probably start getting ready. I’m gonna make you both lunches. What do you want?”

Sam wanted a balanced meal with meat, veggies, dairy and bread, but surprisingly Gabe had no preference, so Dean gave him the same. Dean had an assortment of small plastic sauce cups he’d collected from take out over the years. They had tight-fitting lids and he often included a sauce or condiment with Sam’s lunch with them. Today, he put maple syrup in two of them and stuck them in the bag with Gabe’s food. He put one filled with hot sauce in Sam’s, mostly as a joke.

While he waited for the boys to finish getting ready, he sent Cas a text.

**Miss you**

He wasn’t expecting Cas to be awake, but the response was almost immediate.

**Miss you too :)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? I barely hurt you at all with that one! ♥ ~~The next one may kill you.~~


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean formulates a plan to help a stressed out Cas. Then Dean and Cas have a lot of firsts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is almost entirely smut and feels. There is one bit of angst in the middle, but we'll muddle through.
> 
>  
> 
> **Trigger warnings: PTSD (I guess? Not sure what else to call this, but basically someone gets triggered within the story)**

A few days later, Cas was feeling restless and unhappy because of his leg. He had been to the doctor  and found out he still had at least another three weeks before he got the cast off. He had told Dean more than once he was feeling trapped. The end result was that Cas was unhappy and Dean wanted to do something about it.

The plan had been to study so Cas didn’t get further behind in school. But Cas was having trouble concentrating because he couldn’t get comfortable with his leg in any direction. Dean was having trouble concentrating because Cas was unhappy and Cas was gorgeous and Dean hated school anyway.

Dean started formulating a plan. It began with distracting Cas with a kiss on the skin between his neck and his shoulder. Cas relaxed a little at that, and even smiled slightly. When Dean knew he had his attention, he slid his fingers up into the back of Cas’ hair and leaned in for a soft kiss on the mouth. Cas kissed back without even the slightest protest about needing to study, so Dean deepened the kiss. Once Cas was fully on board with the kissing, Dean moved his mouth to Cas’ neck, kissing and nibbling until he heard those little noises from Cas that he liked so very much.

From kissing Cas’ neck, Dean moved to the V of Cas’ button up shirt. He pressed his lips there and unbuttoned the button. In this way, he made his way down Cas’ chest and over his stomach, until the shirt was completely undone. Cas was breathing hard and fast and Dean could feel the brunet’s cock straining through his pants. He took a deep breath and nervously commenced _Operation First Blowjob_.

Dean was thankful again for the lack of need for condoms. He wouldn’t have to taste latex instead of the smooth, silky skin of Cas’ cock in his mouth. Even before the handjobs, ever since he’d unexpectedly touched Cas’ bare cock, he’d been wanting to feel it again with his mouth. Right now, it was pretty much all he could think about.

So he moved his hands now from stomach to pants. As soon as Dean had untied the strings on Cas’ sweat pants, he pushed the waistband down and exposed Cas’ erection. Before he was done, Cas said, “Dean, what are you doing?”

“I’m about to suck your brain out through your dick.” When he felt Cas tense up, he thought it was in anticipation, but when Dean touched Cas’ cock and started to lower his head, Cas called out, “Wait, no, Dean, stop.”

Dean’s hand froze and let go and his head jerked back. “Cas? I’m sorry, I...sorry, I just - “

“No, Dean, it’s fine, it’s just...I don’t...I mean, I never - I’ve never had…” Cas groaned in frustration. Finally he dropped his eyes and said, “I don’t know what to do.”

Dean’s shoulders relaxed and his eyes softened. “Well, I’ve never given one before. So I don’t know what I’m doing, either.” He stroked Cas face lightly and smiled. “Would you like to figure it out together?”

Cas’ tension eased visibly. He nodded, eyes still wide, but without fear now. Dean drew him in for another kiss, this one a little more tender. Then he skimmed down Cas’ chest and stomach again, with hands and mouth, alternately teasing and soothing. He looked up at Cas before he touched his erection and got an almost imperceptible nod, so he took it gently in his hand and stroked his thumb across the bottom of the head. Cas’ pupils went wide and he made a breathless noise.

Dean kissed the inside of his thigh once and then a second time. He was a little scared himself. He’d never done this and the only time it had been done to him, it wasn’t very good. He wanted Cas to like this, needed it, really. He’d been thinking about it for weeks.

He brushed his lips over the testicle that lay nearest his mouth. Cas didn’t make a sound at that, but when Dean gently sucked the ball into his mouth and laved it with his tongue, Cas cried out, “Oh, God, Dean!” in a voice much higher and thinner than his normal gravelly timbre. It was good enough that Dean hardly noticed how strange the shifting skin felt in his mouth.

When Dean felt he’d paid the balls enough attention, he licked his way from between them, up and over the head of Cas’ cock. He got his first salty taste of precum and decided he kind of liked it. He was glad again they’d been tested. Cas made a whimpering whine as Dean wet the whole cock, one long tongue stripe at a time.

When Dean finally worked up the courage to suck the head into his mouth, Cas let out a low groan. This, too, might have been stranger if not for Cas’ reaction. It wasn’t so different from his own cock, but it felt different in his mouth than his hand. The way the head was so much softer, almost spongy, compared to hard shaft beneath it. That part was like silk slid over a steel rod.

He sucked lightly and Cas dropped his hand to Dean’s hair. Cas’ voice was breathless. “Is that...all right? My hand on your... head?”

Instead of answering, Dean met Cas’ eyes and clumsily slid his mouth over Cas’ thick cock. Because of the cast, Castiel’s movements were somewhat restricted, but his hips still bucked upward slightly as he moaned. Those long slender fingers curled in Dean’s hair, and Dean hummed slightly around the cock in his mouth, at the unexpected pleasure-pain mix he felt. His own cock was responding to what he was doing and he reached down a hand to adjust himself as he bobbed his head.

Dean tried to think back to some of the porn videos he’d seen. He had watched a few blow job videos, but he hadn’t really been all that focused on technique at the time. He just did the best he could and hoped it was good enough. He assumed it was, because it wasn’t five minutes before he felt Cas’ balls drawing up and realized he was about to come. He wasn’t ready to swallow, so he pulled back and watched Cas’ face as his orgasm escaped him in hot white shots that fell over Cas’ stomach and Dean’s hand. One particularly powerful one actually shot as far as Cas’ neck and Dean laughed.

Cas looked embarrassed, but Dean just stood up and leaned forward slightly, licking the pearly stripe off of Cas and looking at him with hooded eyes, dilated fully with arousal. He took Cas’ face in one hand and kissed him, deeply and soundly. Cas was pretty much too blissed out for a few minutes to think, but  his hands stroked all over Dean, petting in that maddening way he had.

The more he came to, the more aggressive his movements became. “Let me do something for you,” he breathed against Dean’s mouth. Dean felt the words in his lower belly and in his cock. “I can’t return the favor with my mouth right now, not with these casts, but I can still touch you with my hand.” As if to prove the truth of his statement, he slid his good hand across the front of Dean's pants and rubbed firmly against the bulge there.

“Fuck,” was all Dean could say in response.  He had to help Cas free his dick, but once he had done that, Cas was slapping his hands away and taking Dean’s cock in his fist.  Cas’ still slightly awkward technique was surprisingly effective. Just the feel of his warm fingers against the skin of Dean’s cock was heaven. He made eye contact with Cas and Cas swept his thumb on the underside of the head and it was all over.

Dean tried to stop Cas before he came, so he wouldn’t make a mess, but Cas had anticipated and scooted closer, his bare chest and stomach taking every shot. Cas gleefully squeezed the head slightly when it was over, clearly delighted by the shudder that the pressure on the over-sensitive area caused in Dean. The blond bent backwards out of his grasp, smiling and pushing his hand back.

Dean kissed Cas on the mouth and then pulled his pants and underwear back up and went to the bathroom for a wet cloth to wipe up the mess they had made on Cas. As it took some doing to get it cleaned off, Dean conceded there were other benefits to condoms besides protection.

He took the cloth back to the bathroom and when he returned, he found Cas staring at the floor, a sad, scared look on his face. He immediately knelt on the floor in front of him, hands on the brunet’s knees, trying to catch his eyes. “Cas? Cas, what is it? What’s wrong?”

Instead of answering, Cas started to cry. Dean got up onto the bed next to him and gathered Cas into his arms. “Hey, hey, what is it, Cas? Talk to me, man. Did I do something? Whatever it is, we’ll fix it, all right? Shhh, it’s ok, Cas.”

“D-dean...I d-don’t wa-wanna…” Cas was hiccuping around his words, stuttering and faltering at every turn. “Fuck...sh-shit, I...d-don’t wanna...lose you! I’m s-so ha-happy, b-but, I just kn-know that something’s gonna f-fuck it up.” His hand clutched as Dean’s shirt, twisting it.

“Hey! Cas, I’m not going anywhere, ok? You’ll have to make me leave if you want me to go, because you are stuck with me now, all right? This is...fuck, Cas, I don’t wanna lose you either! Do you know how scared I was to tell you about the accident? I waited because I wanted to get as much time with you as I could. I was terrified of how you were gonna react. But you stayed. And now, you’re not getting rid of me.” Dean smiled, trying to ease the sadness in Cas, even though he was serious.

Wet and hopeful blue eyes looked up at him. “But...but what if…”

“Cas, unless you send me away or someone forces me away at gunpoint or...or I die or something...I’m sticking around for a long time, ok? I don’t wanna go anywhere. I - “ He stopped when he realized what he was about to say. He couldn’t say that. Shit, is that what he felt? For a second he felt fear and didn’t know what to say.  “You’re my best friend, man. I care about you.”

 

* * *

 

The next day, Dean was sitting on the couch with Cas and started laughing to himself. Cas looked up from his book questioningly. Dean shook his head, laughing harder when he thought of trying to say it out loud.

“Dean? What is so funny?”

Dean got himself under control. “Man...I mean, it isn’t even that funny, it’s just, you know, I just realized that - “ He giggled again. “We still haven’t had our first real date yet and I’ve already given you a blow job. I guess I’m kinda slutty.”

Cas only smirked and rolled his eyes. “You’re right. It’s not that funny. Your lack of chastity is no laughing matter.”

As was no doubt the intention, that made Dean laugh even harder. God, Cas was so weird. Dean thought that it was one of the many things he loved about him. _Shit_. That sobered Dean up rather quickly, but thankfully he already had a cover, so he didn’t have to explain why.

He had asked once before, but that was pre-accident and they’d never gotten to go, so he was going to ask again. And maybe, just maybe, at the end of the date, Dean would tell Cas what he’d realized he was feeling. “Cas, will you go out with me?”

Cas ducked his head, shyly. “Dean, of course, but you don’t _have_ to take me out, I mean, my brothers…”

“Kansas City, Cas. I’ll take you there this weekend. We’ll have dinner, do whatever you want. Or I can, like, plan something and surprise you.”

Cas lifted his head and his smile was huge. “Surprise me, Dean.”

 

* * *

 

Dean didn't know why his hands were sweating. It wasn't like he should be nervous. He and Cas were _together_ , they were _established_. He didn't even have to guess whether he'd be getting a kiss at the end of it. But his heart was pounding and his throat was dry and he could have washed Baby with just the moisture from his hands. Not that he would have, because salt is bad for finishes and metal and - _focus_. He needed to focus.

He supposed, as he awkwardly got out of the car, that the suit was part of his problem. He wasn't used to dressing like this, but he'd wanted to go all out for tonight. Picking Cas up like this, that was part of it, too. His brothers were never home this time of day, but they could come back. Dean's usual luck ran that way. His heart was thrumming even faster as he reached the French doors and knocked with the knuckle of his middle finger.

Cas, it helped Dean to see, at least looked more shy than usual. He didn't look anywhere near as nervous as Dean felt, but he would take shy. It meant this night was important to Cas, too. And that meant something.

"Heya, Cas," he said with a wide eyed, wobbly smile. He swept his eyes over him, taking in his dark suit and the blue tie that matched his eyes. "You look great. Ready to go?"

"Hello, Dean. I'm ready. You look very nice, as well."

"Just this once may I, uh, escort you to the car?"

Cas laughed. "Dean, you don't have to be so formal. But yes," he added, eyes softening, "You may escort me."

So Dean took Cas' crutch from him and wrapped an arm around his waist. They made their slow way to the Impala, but Dean didn't mind the time it took. He got to be close enough to smell Cas and feel the heat of him and it was better than good. It was nearly perfect.

He gently helped Cas into the front seat and put the crutch in the back. He rubbed Cas' shoulder lightly, smiling down at him as he looked up at Dean questioningly. Dean just shook his head and closed the door. He ran halfway around the car before making himself slow down. Then he took deep, calming breaths as he walked the rest of the way, making his way to the driver's side door.

Over the long drive into the city, Dean started to relax. Conversation was easy between them and he stopped noticing his suit or thinking about naming his feelings. His ignored his fears over people in the restaurant calling them names if they held hands. He forgot his doubts about the after dinner plans. He just drove his Baby, with his Sweetheart by his side and it was all kinds of all right.

For the first time in his life, Dean had made reservations for dinner at an upscale restaurant. Hence the new suit. He had taken care not to choose anywhere too fancy, but he wanted to take Cas somewhere nice, and he’d wanted a little bit of nice for himself, too. The Winchester brothers had not exactly been exposed to much in the way of fine dining in their short lives. If this place was good, maybe he’d bring Sammy for his birthday or something.

He felt both grown up and like a little kid playing pretend as he walked up to the podium and said, “Reservation for Winchester?” The hostess did not, as he had secretly feared, scream for security. In fact, she smiled at both of them as if they belonged and escorted them to their table.

Dean had specifically asked - and paid a fee - for a private table and he was pleased to see just how private it was. The booth was in a back corner of the room, surrounded on the remaining sides by privacy walls. They were set up in such a way that there was a small doorway, hung with a small tapestry, but once they were seated, no one in the restaurant could see them. Waitstaff would have to pull back the curtain before entering, alerting Dean and Cas to their arrival. It was perfect for a romantic dinner.

They were assured their waitress would be with them shortly and then they were alone. The restaurant was dimly lit, and the table had a flickering candle on top of it. Cas looked really nice in candlelight, too. It made his already impossibly blue eyes seem to glow with an inner light. Dean couldn’t stop staring.

“Wow, you are really beautiful.” He hadn’t actually meant to say that out loud, but he was kind of glad he had.

Then Cas laughed and ducked his head. “Dean, I’m not, but it’s sweet of you to say.”

Ok, what? “Cas, look, I told you before you were gonna have to get used to compliments from me. I don’t compliment people often, all right? I don’t tell people they are beautiful when they’re not. You are _beautiful_ , Cas. Inside and ou- “

The curtain was pulled aside and their waitress came through, with glasses of water and menus. She introduced herself and took their drink orders before leaving again.

Dean took a long sip of his water before speaking again. “Cas, you’re literally the best looking person I’ve ever seen, but you’re also just one of the best people I’ve ever met.” He forced himself to hold Cas’ gaze so he’d know Dean meant it.

“Dean,” Cas whispered. “I don’t...I don’t have any idea what to say. I don’t feel...beautiful, but I am glad that you think that I am. I don’t feel like a particularly good person, either, but again, I am happy that you think so.”

“That makes me really sad, Cas. I’m glad you believe that I mean it, but it makes me really sad that you don’t feel that way about youself.” He had been sitting more or less straight, but now he leaned forward. “I’m gonna do my best to change that, Cas. To make you see what I see.”

He reached out and took Cas’ good hand in his, brushing it with his fingers and thumb. He smiled at Cas, wondering if everything he felt was in his eyes. He couldn’t say it yet, even though Cas was smiling back and looking like he might feel something similar. Maybe he would tell Cas after they’d ordered. Oh. “We should probably take a look at the menus, huh?”

He settled easily on a steak and baked potato, but also some roasted brussel sprouts because it would make Sam happy when he told him. And, yeah, ok, he kind of liked them. Cas said he was going to have some sort of baked chicken dish that had garlic in the name.

“Don't expect a kiss if you’re having all that garlic,” Dean said while making a face.

Cas laughed. “I’m not worried.”

“Oh, no? Garlic breath is gross, dude.”

“Maybe, but you won’t be able to resist kissing me, garlic breath or not.” He had that half-cocky smirk that he got sometimes and Dean _already_ wanted to kiss him. “You’re slutty, remember?”

“Smug bastard.” Dean was trying to contain his grin, but it wasn’t working very well.

Cas let out another laugh. “Hey, you said it, not me.” Then he grinned evilly and looked back at his menu. “Maybe I’ll see if they can add onions to it.” He looked up at Dean through his lashes as he said it.

“Don’t you _dare_! Come on, Cas, give me a break.” Then he had his own evil thought, but it was interrupted by the return of the waitress.

“Here are your drinks, gentlemen. Are you ready to order?”

Dean held out his hand for Cas to go first.

“I’d like the baked chicken with pasta, but could I get that with white sauce instead of the garlic alfredo?”

“Absolutely, sir. Would you like a salad?”

“Yes, the house salad with vinaigrette, but please hold the onions.”

“And for you sir?”

Dean placed his order and she left, taking their menus. He decided to go ahead with his evil thought, but the intent was no longer so evil. He took off his shoe and slid a socked foot all the way up Cas’ leg to his crotch.

Cas gasped and shot wide eyes to his. “Dean! What are you - “ As Dean moved his foot around, Cas apparently couldn’t think well enough to finish his question.

“Just giving you a taste of your reward for not ordering garlic and onions,” he said with a teasing grin. Then he took his foot away.

Cas frowned, face flushed. “That’s a _reward_? What would you have done if I had ordered them?”

“Actually, I had planned to do it before you ordered and tell you if you ordered them you wouldn’t get anymore,” Dean said sheepishly. “But now,” he said darkly, rubbing his foot on Cas’ ankle. “You know you’ll get more of the same later.” His smile promised many things.

Cas shifted in his seat, licking his lips. He took deep breaths, Dean assumed, to get his raging hormones reined in. He really liked knowing that little bit of touch from him had Cas so out of control. He reached over and took his hand again. His mouth was suddenly dry and he gulped half his tea in one go.

“Cas, there’s...uh…” Dean’s throat started to close up and he realized he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say it. He felt it and he wanted Cas to know he felt it, but he couldn’t say it. Not here in this fancy pants restaurant. Not tonight. He shook his head and gave the best smile he could. “I’m just really glad you’re here with me tonight.”

It wasn’t great, wasn’t what he wanted and needed to say, but it was the truth and the best he could do for right now. He had managed to earn another happy, beautiful smile from Cas and that was good enough for now. He told himself he would say it later. Maybe on the ride home.

Once they were done with the meal, they left the restaurant and it was time for the surprise portion of the evening. Dean had really lucked out. Cas was gonna be surprised and, he hoped, as excited as Dean was. It was gonna be so great. He felt like the luckiest guy on the planet right about now. He pulled up to the front of the downtown building and allowed the valet to give him a ticket and take his baby. He hated it, but they were running late and it was better than risking her in a dim and dingy parking garage 6 blocks away.

“Dean, this is the Symphony,” Cas said as Dean met him on the steps after dealing with the valet.

“I know what it is Cas, I bought the tickets.”

“But you don’t enjoy this kind of music.”

Dean grinned. “See that is where you are wrong, my friend. Come on, let’s get inside, it’s starting soon. I didn’t expect traffic to be so heavy.”

Their seats were in the nosebleed section, but that was ok. It wasn’t like they actually needed to be close enough to see anything. On top of that, there were big screen tvs all over the place for the cheap seats for the event, so they’d see anything they needed to.

Cas continued to look confused as the lights went down, until the symphony made its welcome announcement and explained that the orchestra would be performing music by Led Zeppelin. He grinned at Dean, just as the instrumental strains of “Whole Lotta Love” began to play. By the time “Kashmir” had started for the finale, he had been holding Dean’s hand for over an hour. Not that Dean was complaining. He could hold it forever if he wanted to, as far as Dean was concerned.

He had told himself that he’d say those words on the ride home, but he and Cas were both so keyed up over the concert they’d just seen that they spent the entire ride home discussing their favorite moments. Dean had to admit, hearing Cas excitedly dissecting the best parts of songs like “Ramble On” certainly didn’t do anything to dampen his feelings for the guy.

Halfway home, Cas had taken his hand again and that was great, too. Dean lamented aloud the cast that kept Cas from being able to scoot to the middle so Dean could sit up next to him while he drove, arm around his sexy boyfriend. Cas, to his credit, did not balk at the words sexy or boyfriend and promised that, as soon as the cast came off, riding in the car pressed next to Dean was a thing he would gladly do.

It was nearly midnight when they got home. Since Sam was spending a rare night at Gabriel’s, they had the house to themselves and they spent a nice half hour kissing on the couch, but neither tried to move it beyond that. As much as Dean really wanted to get up to something once they got to bed, he was exhausted. There was also the fact that he had to be up early for work. Once they got into bed, and Cas was lying next to him, head on Dean’s shoulder and hand on his stomach, Dean realized he actually didn't mind the lack of sex much at all.

“Sweet dreams, Cas,” Dean whispering, kissing the top of Cas’ head in the dark.

He felt Cas smile against his skin. “Sweet dreams, Dean.” Cas pressed a kiss to his chest and Dean squeezed him with the arm that lay around his shoulders.

“Hey, Cas?”

“Hm?” He was already drifting off, judging by his breathing and the level of relaxation in his muscles.

“Is it cool that I called you my boyfriend?”

Cas hummed and snuggled closer, smiling again. “‘s perfect, Dean.”

 

* * *

 

Dean knew the exact moment when Cas got his memory of the accident back. Dean had skipped the second half of school to spend time with Cas before work. They’d been hanging out in Cas’ room for an hour or so when Cas started getting restless. He’d said he didn’t want to stay in the house anymore, that he needed to get out and run. Obviously running - or even walking - was a little out of the question on his crutch, so it was a drive in the Impala or nothing.

Dean had parked the car off to the side as usual, but he didn’t want Cas to have to walk far once he came outside, so he backed it up and moved it toward the door. Cas was walking straight forward when he turned to his left and saw the Impala slowly driving toward him. Dean saw his face go white. He saw those blue eyes go dark and wide with fear and understanding. Then that gaze turned toward him, filled with fear and confusion and Dean felt his heart shatter.

Dean had already stopped the car. He threw her in park and turned off the ignition. He got out of the car, hoping like hell that Cas wouldn’t collapse or run back inside before he could get to him. He ran around the front. By the time he reached Cas, he seemed to be sliding downward and he was making a horrible keening sound Dean couldn’t bear. Dean was afraid to try to touch him, but he didn’t know how else to calm him down, so he reached out slowly, to pull the smaller boy toward him. He made shushing noises and tried not to think about how hard Cas was shaking.

Instead of shrinking back, or pushing Dean away, Cas clung and buried his face in Dean’s neck. He had begun to cry and the sobs were like a bass beat to the tempo of the shaking. Not really knowing what else to do, Dean walked him toward the back passenger door, so he could set Castiel down inside. He walked around to the driver’s side and got in next to Cas so he could put his arms back around him.

He was still afraid Cas would push him away, but instead he grabbed Dean’s arms as they encircled him, pulling them tighter around him. He was shaking less than before, but it was still too much. Dean managed to free one arm and he smoothed the hair back from Cas’ face, pressing kiss after kiss to his temple.

“I’m so sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry.” He was crying now himself, feeling all the guilt he had managed not to think about wash over him fresh. “I never meant for this to happen. Your brothers, they were talking about kicking some ‘faggot’s ass,’ and I had kissed you the day before, and I was so angry and so scared for you and I wanted to attack them, but there was nothing I could do, Cas.”

He squeezed and stroked and kissed Cas as he spoke, not realizing that many of the tremors he was now feeling were his own. “I had all this rage and nowhere to put it, so I just tried to vent my frustration by driving through the parking lot like a maniac and then I saw you and…”

He was lost in the memory now. He’d managed to put it out of his mind after Cas had woken up, but now he felt like he was living it all over again. He saw Cas’ face. How he’d recognized Dean, how he’d been so afraid.

“God, man, it felt like time stopped when I saw you. I tried so hard to stop, to swerve, but it all happened so fast. I couldn’t do anything but watch you.” His tears were running down Castiel’s neck now, and he hadn’t noticed that Cas’ breath had started to even out, or that he wasn’t clinging quite as desperately as he had been - or as Dean was.

“You said you forgave me. Please, Cas, don’t take it back. Please. I can’t lose you. I...God, Cas, I _love_ you. I’m so in love with you I can’t - “

His words were interrupted by warm lips pressing against his mouth. He sank into the kiss for a moment before pulling back to look at Cas, to search his face. He seemed ok, but his eyes looked tired. “Cas? Are you all right?”

His voice was rougher than normal. “I’m ok, Dean. I...basically, I had a flashback, and it kinda looped for a minute, but it passed and I’m all right. _We_ are all right,” he emphasized, squeezing Dean’s thigh where his hand rested on it. He dropped his eyes. “And I...feel the same.” He took a deep breath against Dean’s stomach and lifted his eyes. “I love you, too.”

Dean was still really worried, but he could not help the grin that split his face. He drug him in for another kiss, holding Cas’ face in both hands. He didn’t let go even after he ended the kiss. “Really? You mean it?”

Cas laughed. “Of course, Dean. I wanted to tell you sooner, but...I was scared it was too soon.”

“I was gonna tell you on our date, but...I couldn’t get the words out. I was so scared you weren’t going to say it back.”

Cas took another deep breath. “I love you.”

His eyes didn’t waver and Dean saw the truth in them. Something that had been coiled tightly inside Dean let go and slid away. It was barely even an effort for him to say, “I love you, too, Cas.” They kissed again, briefly and then nuzzled noses for a minute. “You still wanna go for a drive?”

Cas shook his head. “No, let’s go back inside. I have a much better idea.”

His idea was, at its core, for them to get naked, which Dean was all kinds of on board with. Then, in the middle of making out, Cas had what Dean thought was an even more genius idea. He had Dean help him prop up against the headboard into a semi-sitting position. Then he had Dean kneel in front of him so that he could finally reciprocate on the blow job.

Dean felt awkward, just sort of walking up to Cas’ face on his knees like, “Here’s my dick!” but Cas wasn’t looking at his dick. He was looking up at Dean. Dean scooted back and gave him a rough kiss, full of feeling. “Are you sure you wanna do this, Cas? You don’t have to.”

“I want to, Dean. I want to...taste you,” he said shyly, dropping his eyes. It earned him another kiss, this one wilder than the last.

This time when he moved up and forward, all Dean felt was excitement and desire. The look in Cas’ eyes said he felt the same. It was still shocking when Cas reached out with his fingers and stroked against him. He still wasn’t used to someone else touching him, even though he’d had sex before and he and Cas had been doing a lot of touching just lately. With the girls he’d made out with, he had rarely been on the receiving end of any in-the-pants touching. It was usually just Dean kissing and touching, and the girls either allowing or vetoing, and it was just expected that he would be hard and if he needed friction, he could hump her leg or something.

With Cas, everything was mutual and Dean loved it. He knew it wasn’t a gender thing, either. Rhonda hadn’t been like that at all. Rhonda just hadn’t been around long enough for him to get used to being touched. He was sure there were also guys who were as selfish as the other girls he’d made out with - not that he’d been with many, anyway.

It finally dawned on him that he must still be more nervous than he’d realized, if he was thinking about stupid things while Cas was working his cock over with his hand. Every thought he had been thinking was instantly erased, however, the moment warm wet lips pressed against the head of his cock. When the tip of a Cas’ tongue flicked out to catch the precum, he let out a high-pitched whisper of air.

He dared to look down and blue irises that were only slivers around wide black pupils stared up at him. Wide pink lips were licked and wet thoroughly and then opened wide to take in his head. Cas had to pull back and wet his lips again to go farther and then he pushed forward again. After a couple of tries like this, he licked Dean from base to tip on all sides, his strong tongue flattening against the sensitive skin of Dean’s dick and making him groan.

Dean didn’t instruct or correct anything Cas did. He was mesmerized by all of Cas’ movements and touches. To him, not one of them was wrong or less than amazing. Everything felt good, some things felt better than others and some things were mind-blowingly awesome - like when Cas finally got him spit slick enough to swallow him down almost all the way. Dean stopped himself from thrusting his hips forward and plunging his cock into that hot, wet mouth. Cas’ mouth felt amazing. Better than anything he had ever experienced before.

He felt himself nearing the edge far too quickly and he reached back for Cas’ cock to ground himself and keep from flying apart too soon. When Dean’s hand closed over Cas’ cock, though, it was almost over anyway, because Cas moaned and the vibrations around Dean’s cock were almost too much to bear.

Dean’s voice was a rough whisper. “God, Cas, that feels so good, you feel so...good…” His hand worked Cas’ cock as Cas’ mouth worked over his. He was unconsciously matching their rhythm. Then Cas swallowed him down again, this time so far that his lips brushed against the hair on Dean’s balls and that was it.

“Ah, fuck, _Cas_!” He tried to pull out so that Cas wouldn’t get a mouthful of come, but Cas held onto him by the ass, so he couldn’t get away. He shot into the back of Cas’ throat and felt Cas swallow around him. “Holy fuck, Cas!” Then he was collapsing backwards and semi-blacking out.

Cas had a smug smile on his face when Dean was able to move again and Dean wanted to kiss it off him. When he attempted to do just that, he realized he could taste himself on Cas’ tongue, but he didn’t really care. Cas had made him lose his mind and it was Cas’ turn to be wrecked and shaken. He had Cas’ face in both his hands as he kissed him and he started grinding his bare ass against Cas’ cock.

Cas moaned into Dean’s mouth causing Dean to smile. When Cas bucked his hips up against him, that smile was definitely smug. He scraped his teeth against Cas’ neck, wanting to tease him a little more. When Cas panted out a hoarse, “Please,” however, Dean could not refuse him.

He got down face level with Cas’ cock and pressed his hand down on Cas’ balls, thumb and forefinger circling the base. Then he licked it all over to get it wet, just as Cas had done to him. He slid his mouth all the way down and then pressed further, gagging slightly, but not stopping. When he had gone as far as he could go he sucked, hard, and slid back up toward the head. Cas made a whine in the back of his throat and his hands were scrabbling at the sheet.

Dean repeated the process a few more times, then started bobbing his head more shallowly, but faster. Every time he thought Cas was getting close, he pulled off and pressed kisses to his thigh or stomach. Cas was whimpering and thrashing, his face red and his eyes glassy. After about the fourth time of pulling off, Dean relented and let him come, doing his best to swallow it all as Cas had done, while Cas groaned and shuddered above him.

When Cas collapsed back against the pillows, Dean rose up and pressed against him, hugging him close and kissing his face all over. “I love you, Cas,” he whispered as he nibbled an ear. “I love you, baby,” he mumbled against Cas’ neck as he lick and bit at it. “I love you so much,” he said, looking into blue eyes wet with emotion before he took those full lips in a tender kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not crying, you're crying!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas has a bad time. Dean makes a new friend. Dean and Cas get honest. All the boys have a Thanksgiving feast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are feels here. Many feels. Some schmoop, some angst, some other things. Holidays, for one.
> 
> **Trigger warnings: PTSD, Major character injury flashback, drug abuse**
> 
> **♥♥♥DUE TO RL PROBLEMS FOR BETA, THERE WILL BE NO CHAPTER UPDATE ON 6/4/14 - INSTEAD YOU WILL GET 2 CHAPTERS ON 6/6/14. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE MY LOVELY READERS!! ♥♥♥**

Castiel felt like he had swallowed a giant ball of ice. He saw Dean’s car coming toward him and all of a sudden, he was _there_. He was back at school, in that parking lot, big black Impala barreling down at him at speed. He braced for impact. In reality it didn’t come, and in his mind he couldn’t feel it, but he could remember well the results. He could taste the fear when he saw the car. When he knew he had nowhere to run.

He could still feel the dread pooling in his belly just before the car had reached him. He didn’t really remember the car smashing into him, though he did remember hearing something crack. What he did remember was a flying sensation, a terrifying freefall weightlessness, and landing on what he now knew had been a parked car, which at the time had just been a new surface.

The doctor told him they thought he had hit his head the first time on the hood of the car, and he had gotten a gash from it on the back of his head in his hair, but he had no memory of that. He did sort of remember bouncing back up, almost as if jerked by a string, knowing that something bad was going to happen, feeling fear and wind and then... Then everything was pain until it went black. The next thing he remembered was waking up with Dean holding his hand.

Dean, whom he realized was now holding _him_. Cas didn’t even remember getting into the backseat of the car. Dean’s words began to penetrate. Dean was talking about the accident. His brothers had started the whole thing in motion. Why wasn’t he surprised? When _hadn’t_ they fucked up his life? Dean was asking him not to take back his forgiveness, which Castiel was about to tell him was just a crazy thing to say, when suddenly Dean was saying something else.

“I’m in love with you,” Dean was telling him again.

Before he even knew he was going to do it, he was kissing Dean. He had slowly been realizing he had fallen for Dean, since the night he had told Dean the story of April. He had thought that he was moving too fast for someone like Dean, so he hadn’t intended to say anything, but now he heard the words falling out of his mouth back at Dean.

“You mean it?” Dean was asking. And Cas realized that, if he wanted to hear Dean say it again, he was going to have to say it again first. Dean, incredibly, was just as scared as Cas about those words and how they would be received.

“I love you,” he told Dean again. And suddenly, he wanted nothing more than Dean’s naked skin pressed against his.

The sex had been mindblowing. Unlike anything Cas had ever even dreamed of. It had been the same for Dean, he could tell. He couldn’t believe all the “I love you’s” that had poured out of Dean at the end. Not even after Dean’s own orgasm, but after _Castiel’s_.

He had said it back again a couple of times. It had a been a magical interlude, amazing and wonderful and everything Cas had ever wanted from a relationship. But then Dean had to go to work. Cas was alone and memories of the accident were back. They were replaying in his head like a scratched DVD, repeating the same sequence over and over. And over.

Cas tried his therapist, but she was out of the office and wouldn't be back for several days. He couldn’t call Dean at work and there really wasn’t anyone else. Normally, he didn’t mind his solitude so much. He preferred his own company to that of most other people - the Winchesters being a big exception. Right now, though, he just felt so fucking isolated. He could have called Sam, but Sam was a little too young to be dealing with Cas’ meltdown.

His eyes landed on the pill bottle next to his bed. He knew he should probably be weaning off them now. His arm and leg hurt less and less these days, and even when the pain came, it wasn’t very bad, usually. But right now, he thought about the floaty, disconnected feeling he got sometimes when he took the pills. How reality sort of fell away and lost focus. He could use some lost focus right now.

He stared at the bottle for several minutes, not allowing himself to give in. Then the flashback came again. And again and again. He reached for the bottle and took out one pill. He broke it in half, dropping one piece back in the bottle. He closed the lid, leaving the second half lying in his open palm as he watched it.

He tried to think about Dean instead. Dean with his beautiful green eyes. Dean who loved him. And Sam, who was only 12, but so much wiser than most of the people Cas knew. Sam was his friend, too. He wasn’t alone in the world anymore.

This time when the flashback hit, he saw Dean’s face again. He felt the fear. He tasted the pain. Before he could even think about it, the pill was in his mouth and he was washing it down with water from the glass by his bed.

He hadn’t eaten since breakfast and he had exerted himself quite a bit on top of it, so the little half a pill was all it took. Within a few minutes, he was no longer seeing a big black car driving straight for him. He was just feeling warm and happy, a lot like he felt after an orgasm, actually, but stronger, more intense. He just lay there on the bed, watching the sunlight break across the floor, until he fell asleep.

* * *

 

Thursday of that week, Dean was in the parking lot, headed toward Baby, when he noticed an old beat up Chevelle. The hood was up and a rather large figure was bent over underneath it. Dean decided to walk over and see if he could help and that’s how he ended up making a new friend.

"Can't get her started?"

"Oh, she starts fine, but she won't stay runnin'. Don't suppose you know anything about cars?" Dean noted an accent that was not Kansas. Somewhere further south maybe. He didn't think he'd seen the guy around before.

Dean laughed. "Oh, a thing or two." He hooked a thumb toward the Impala. "That's my ride over there. Rebuilt her myself. Want me to take a look?"

"Man, wouldju? It's my first friggin' day an' already my car is ruinin' my rep." He smiled a little. "I'm Benny, by the way."

"Hey, Benny. I'm Dean. You wanna save your rep, try out for football. Big as you are, I can't see them turning you down." He shrugged and walked to the driver's door. 

He climbed in, leaving the door open and one foot on the ground. He turned the key and true to Benny's statement, the car started up, only to chug and die immediately.

Dean walked over to the Impala without a word and popped the trunk. He grabbed a metal can from inside, then took the thin red tube that was taped to the side of it and pressed it into the spray nozzle.

He handed the can to Benny. Then he pulled off the air filter cover to expose the carburetor. He pointed as he gave instructions. "Spray _that_ into _there_ until the car stays running." He got behind the wheel again and cranked the car. It took three ignition cycles, but eventually the carburetor cleaner did the trick and the engine maintained its work.

Dean got out and retrieved the can from Benny. "She ought to run fine for a while. Come by Singer's any weekday afternoon except Friday and I'll give you a deal on a tune-up."

"Shit, man, thank you! Does right now work for you?"

* * *

 

Dean was exhausted in all ways by the time he got back from Cas’ house on Sunday afternoon.

He’d covered a shift on Friday and then worked on Saturday as usual. After work, he and Sam had picked up Cas and Gabe and they’d gone for a drive and had a picnic in a field, hidden from the road by a stand of trees. Everything had been great until they’d gotten back to the car.

Cas said his leg was hurting from walking on the uneven terrain and took a pill. Much like the first time Dean had seen Cas take one of the pills, the guy got loopy pretty quick. That was fine, except when it came time to get him upstairs at Dean’s house. They nearly fell down the stairs at least twice because Cas was too out of it to know not to lean backward or gesture wildly with his arms. Then, once they were on the bed, Cas got handsy. As much as Dean loved Cas’ hands on him, loopy Cas was not sexy - or in a position to be making sexual decisions.

They’d had their first argument over it. Before they could work it out, Cas, still crying, had fallen asleep while it was still light out. An exasperated Dean had watched tv for a while, then gone downstairs to see what the boys were up to. Since they were watching the Indiana Jones series, he’d opted to join them. In the middle of the second movie, the boys were hungry again, so he started dinner.

Things were better once he woke Cas up to eat. Cas had apologized for his behavior and admitted the pills sometimes affected his judgment. Dean suggested that maybe he should start using Tylenol or something and Cas agreed that might be a good idea. The four of them had a nice dinner and it lifted Dean’s mood considerably. They all watched the third movie together, but Dean opted against watching the fourth and, as he’d hoped, Cas did, too.

Back upstairs, he got Cas situated on the bed and then Dean sat at the foot of the bed, facing but not touching him. He told Cas he wanted to talk, then fidgeted with a loose string on the comforter for a long time, not having found the words he wanted yet. Cas, of course, prompted him when he was quiet too long.

“Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas. Sorry, I just...I wanted to kind of check in and see how you’re doing. I mean, the other day, I know it ended great and everything, but it was pretty rough. Then Thursday you seemed a little off, but...” He sighed and stretched out toward the head of the bed, not looking to see Castiel’s reaction. “I’d hung out with Benny at work and I guess I kind of ran my mouth off about him the whole time, didn’t I? Sorry. Anyway, I didn’t get to see you last night, so I don’t know about then, but...I don’t know, today, even before the pill, you seemed off.” He reached out and brushed Cas’ bicep with his fingers before finally raising his eyes to Cas’ face. “So I just wanna know how you’re doing.”

Cas looked at him with a smile that seemed a little sad to Dean. “Dean, the other day was...it’s really hard to describe. I mean, it had some really bad moments and it had some really amazing ones.” It was Cas’ turn to fiddle with the blanket now. He twisted it nervously in his fingers. “I wish I could tell you that you saying you loved me made the other thing all better. Because believe me, finding out that someone as amazing as you are loves me back...that’s pretty incredible, Dean.” He smiled, but he didn’t meet Dean’s eyes. “But once you left, I was all alone with those memories again. And I was pretty messed up. I just started to feel very alone in the world.”

“Cas, I’d have called in sick, if you asked. Shit, I guess I should have offered. I just...fuck, I’m sorry. I let you down, didn’t I?”

“No, Dean, you didn’t, believe me. Knowing that you and Sam are in my life - and Gabe, too - it helped. I just started to realize that I’ve let myself become cut off from everyone else. Now I have you and you might think that would make me feel less lonely, but the thing is, I hadn’t realized I _was_ lonely. Having you and Sam, it’s kind of made me see that I am and...I don’t want to be isolated anymore.” He looked at Dean finally. “But I don’t have any idea what to do about it, especially since I’m not in school.”

“Cas, I’m sorry. I’ve never really had friends, but I always had a few people around. I wish you had that.” Then he shook his head. “You _will_ have that. As soon as you get back to school, I will personally make sure you start making friends.” He grinned. “But not with any cute cheerleaders who are gonna want to take you away from me.”

Cas smiled and rolled his eyes. "As if you would ever have to worry that I'd find someone more attractive than you, Dean."

The fact that Cas found the idea ridiculous was obvious. It made Dean feel 100 feet tall. But he still wanted more for Cas. He rubbed his boyfriend's arm again, this time scooting closer.

"I mean it, though, Cas. You're amazing and there's no reason for you not to have friends if you want 'em. I don't want you to feel isolated. I know it's tough right now."

Cas shook his head. "It's ok, Dean. I'll get by till I'm back in school." He smiled reassuringly. "I've got you, right? Next time I just need to let you know what's going on."

"Yes! That's for sure. I keep my phone on vibrate when I'm at Bobby's anyway. Next time, call me. If I can't get out of work, I can at least take a break and talk to you on the phone, ok?"

Cas nodded. “Let’s talk about something else, ok?”

Dean realized he didn’t know when Cas’ birthday was, so he asked about that.

“Oh. My birthday is New Year’s Day, actually.”

Dean smiled at him. “Wow, really? Mine’s January, too. The 24th. Can’t believe I’m going to be 18!”

Cas just smiled back at him, saying nothing.

“And I am so glad to be graduating at the end of the year. It sucks you’ve still got another year to go.”

Cas sighed. “I like school, at least, I like the learning part of it. And if I am trying to be less isolated, I guess I need to learn to like the rest, but it is...tiring, to say the least.” Cas reached out and took Dean’s hand. “He took us away,” he said suddenly. “My father. He took us away when my mom died. Not immediately after, I had started school, but I’m not sure how long. He took us to some retreat in another country. He kept us there for a year, almost. I barely remember any of it.”

He pressed heavily against the headboard. “The memories I do have are mostly just vague impressions of people with darker skin and shorter legs than my father, speaking a lot of words I didn’t understand. When I think about that time, though, I get very unhappy and I don’t even know why. None of my brothers will talk about it, nor will Anna. When we came back, we were behind in school. Raph failed that year, too, so he got even further behind.”

Dean rubbed his thumb in small arcs against Cas’ palm. “That must be bad. Not being able to remember why it makes you unhappy.”

Cas nodded. “I considered telling the therapist about it, but like I said, I never really discussed my family with her. That’s, um, another reason why I didn’t want to go to the hypnotist, though. Silly, I suppose, to think somehow that would come out, but there is always a chance, right? Part of me doesn’t want to know.”

Dean held his tongue. He thought Cas should probably go to the hypnotist and find out what happened. He thought maybe a lot of Cas’ problems could be linked to that year in who knows where. He didn’t want to upset Cas right now, though. He seemed fragile enough this week. So he said nothing. Instead he scooted close and pressed a kiss to Cas’ big, soft lips.

“How about we stop talking and just kiss till we fall asleep?”

It ended up being kissing and blowjobs and not enough sleep, but Dean certainly wasn’t complaining and Cas definitely did not object, given that he started it. The next morning was spent dawdling over breakfast and just kind of hanging out until lunch. After lunch it had been time to take everyone home, since Cas had some sort of dinner with his brothers and Gabriel’s mom was off work for the night.

That had led to two different surprises, one that happened while they were out and the other when they returned. Andrea had an opportunity to work on Thanksgiving, which would earn her double pay. That meant Gabe had no place to go, unless he could spend the day with Sam, which he and Dean were naturally fine with. They were supposed to go to Ellen’s for a late meal, but she wouldn’t mind the extra mouth.

Once they got home, Cas called to say his brothers had informed him there would be no Thanksgiving as they had been invited last minute on a ski trip. Since he had a cast, he opted not to go. He didn’t ask to come over, but Dean excitedly told him he’d be joining the Winchesters and Gabe and that Dean would make a whole meal, so it was a real Thanksgiving for everybody.

They had spent a couple of hours between the four of them, planning the food and desserts that Dean would make. Sam volunteered to help as much as he could and Dean told him he could chop vegetables and things like that. Gabe also said he would help, but Dean was afraid sugar would end up in everything, so he just told him they would see.

Now it was Sunday night and Dean was exhausted. He had some homework to do and he hurried through it. Sam had done his already because he was a nerd and that’s what nerds did. Dean could say that because Sammy was his little brother and Dean was a little jealous of his brains. As far as Dean knew, little brother was now downstairs vegged out in front of the tv, but he might still be on the phone with Gabe. Supposedly it was only teenaged girls who did that, but Dean knew differently.

Dean put away his school books and spotted the journal from his mom lying on the dresser. He picked it up and took it back to the bed with him. He lay out on his stomach and started flipping through it, running his fingers occasionally over her handwriting. Her writing was loopy and pretty on a lot of the pages, but on some he could tell she was writing faster and wasn’t paying as much attention. On those pages, her writing looked a lot like his and it made him smile.

He turned to a picture of the two of them, where she was looking at Dean instead of the camera. She was looking at Dean as though he were the greatest thing in the world. He felt a tight knot form in his throat. What would she think of him now? Would she be proud of him? Probably not for all the school he’d skipped, but for how he was dealing with raising Sammy? For how he had stood up to Dad? John had certainly never made him feel like he was the greatest thing in the world. Quite the opposite. And Dean knew instinctively that Mary Winchester would not have approved of that.

He tried to remember how she looked when she laughed. The way she moved, but he really couldn’t. He flipped until he found a picture of her laughing and his mind played her laugh from the tape. He wondered what she would think of Cas. He thought she would have liked Cas a lot. She wouldn’t have cared that he was a guy. She would only have cared whether he was good to her boy.

God, he still missed her. All these years later and he still missed her. Not just what she represented, though that was a big factor, but _her._ The way she laughed and sang and made pie.

He wasn’t exactly depressed, but he felt lonely. He didn’t wanna bring Sam down with this. He thought about the one person besides Sam that he could talk to about it. He might even understand better than Sam did, since Sam didn’t remember her. He grabbed his phone and sent Cas a text.

**I miss my mom, Cas.**

The response took only seconds and was quickly followed by a second reply.

**I’m sorry, Dean.**

**I was feeling that way very strongly myself on Friday.**

Dean fired back another text.

**Sucks, huh?**

Cas took a little longer this time, but again sent two replies.

**Ha! Understatement, but yeah, it sucks a lot.**

**I miss you tonight.**

Dean smiled at his phone and felt warm all over. It took him a minute to get his fingers moving.

**Yeah, Cas. I miss you tonight, too. Sucks, huh? :)**

Cas was quicker this time.

**Understatement. :)**

* * *

 

Dean had gone to the grocery store on Tuesday and gotten everything they needed to make the menu the four of them had planned, plus all the pies for their meal and for Ellen’s later. Bobby had shut down after his shift on Tuesday and wouldn’t be open again until Monday morning, so Wednesday after school Dean had picked up Cas and Gabe and taken them home with him.

With Sammy’s help, he had chopped vegetables and fruit so that he’d have one less thing to do in the morning. He couldn’t cut up the apples or potatoes, but he was able to do everything else. Cas and Gabe sat in the kitchen, but didn’t participate much in the actual work, which was fine by Dean. He just enjoyed the company. The kitchen was full of life and sound in a way it never really had been before and he really liked it.

It occurred to him, as he watched the other three boys, that someday he wanted this domestic life. A kitchen with laughter in it. To be married, with kids and have a house full of life. He was a teenaged boy and these thoughts weren’t the kind he was supposed to have, according to everything he’d been taught, but he wanted it as much as he’d ever wanted anything. He didn’t care what he did for a living or where he lived. He just wanted a home and a family and people he loved around him.

He shook off the thoughts and went back to work, throwing a piece of carrot at Sam when he stopped chopping to make googly eyes at Gabe again. A small food fight ensued but was stopped - somewhat surprisingly - by Gabe.

“Hey, if there’s no food for tomorrow, I’m gonna be really pissed, guys. Throw something that doesn’t endanger my ability to stuff myself.”

Cas, Dean was pleased to see, tossed a paper wad right at Gabe’s head. There was some half-hearted attempt at a paper fight then, but it just wasn’t as satisfying as the food had been. They finished up the prep work and were just about to settle down to a movie, when Dean realized he had forgotten to get ice cream at the grocery store. He needed some to go with his pies and Ellen had specifically asked him to get a couple half gallons for her, too.

“Crap! Guys, I gotta go back to the store.” His brother and his boyfriend both groaned. He looked at Cas and saw how comfortable he looked on the couch, and knew he didn’t wanna drag him out, especially with his casts still holding him back. Sam had done a lot of work in the kitchen, so Dean didn’t wanna make him go, either. However, he would be getting a lot of it and he really wanted to have help carrying the ice cream so that he didn’t have to waste time with a shopping cart.

“Gabe, how about you come with me and help me carry the ice cream?”

“Depends, Dean-O. Do I get to eat some when I get back?”

“Tell you what, if you come help me, you can have a half gallon of whatever flavor you want, all to yourself.”

“See ya later, Sam-O! Your brother and I are going shopping.”

Dean laughed and rolled his eyes. “Let’s go, you little dork. Bye, Cas.” He leaned down and kissed him on top of the head. Then he ruffled Sam’s hair, mostly to hear the sound of annoyed protest that Sam let out. “We’ll be back as quick as we can.”

Dean wasn’t sure if the ride to the store would be awkward or not, but once they were in the Impala and had the radio on, things were fine. Gabe turned out to be a lot more into music than Sam, so they had things to talk about. Dean mentioned Sam’s lack of interest in music and Gabe agreed.

“Yeah, Sam-O’s musical taste is one of his few faults,” Gabe said.

Dean laughed, “Oh, that’s for sure.” Dean was still smiling when he told Gabe, “I’m glad Sammy’s got someone else who appreciates him, faults and all.”

“Sam’s the best.” Gabe’s smirk was nowhere to be seen.

“Yeah,” Dean agreed, fondness for Gabe growing exponentially with every conversation they had. “He really is.”

Once they were in the ice cream section, Gabe was in heaven. Dean agreed with his declaration that sundaes would be the perfect pre-Thanksgiving night time snack for the four of them, so he let the kid grab sauces and toppings along with his half gallon of ice cream and another for everyone else. Dean grabbed Ellen’s two tubs and a third for pie. He used the self checkout because it was the quickest. The rest of the store was jammed with shoppers who waited till the last second to buy their Thanksgiving meal goods.

When they got home, Dean had to make room in the freezer for the ice cream, which meant frozen pizzas for dinner. In the meantime, everyone made their sundaes, each trying to outdo the others for bizarre excess. Except for Cas, who just wanted hot fudge and two cherries. Sam and Gabe looked at him like he was crazy, but Dean smiled at him with pride.

“The guy’s an ice cream purist, Sammy. You gotta respect that.”

Since they had to get up so early, Dean made sure no one stayed up too late that night. After they gorged themselves on sundaes and pizza, it wasn’t too hard to convince everyone that sleep was a good idea. He let the boys go up first and then he convinced Cas to let Dean help him get up the stairs. It was easy enough, given how tired the guy was.

They were both too tired to do more than spoon, but Dean wasn’t disappointed. Spooning with Cas was one of the best things in the world. Cuddling up with him in any other position was a close second. It was the only time Dean didn’t have much trouble sleeping, too, which was sort of great and sort of disappointing because he got sleep, but didn’t get to stay awake and enjoy the feeling of holding Cas for as long as he would have liked.

Usually they would have watched football during Thanksgiving, but since Gabe was insistent and Cas was on board, they watched the parade instead. Dean really didn’t mind so much, since he was too busy cooking to watch much of anything. He preferred baseball, anyway. Sam helped a little, but he’d done most of his jobs the night before, so Dean was mostly by himself for the first hour. Cas came in to watch after that and Dean put him to work rolling dinner roll dough into balls.

When it was time for Dean to start on the desserts, Gabe came in and offered his services. Since it was hard to make desserts too sweet - and with Cas’ gentle persuasion - Dean decided to let him offer his services. Gabe was surprisingly attentive to instructions and eager to learn, so Dean was glad he’d accepted the help. The as yet uncooked pies were finished much faster with the extra help, so he was able to relax a little before dinner was ready. He grabbed a soda and walked over to sit by Cas.

He had just sat down and smiled at Cas when his phone started to ring. He pulled the phone out and was shocked to see his father’s name on the caller ID. He called out to Sam to turn down the tv, and letting him know Dad was calling. The noise went away and Sam hurried into the room, Gabe following close behind.

“Uh, hey, Dad.”

“Hey, son. Uh, I just wanted to call you boys since it was Thanksgiving and, and everything.” Dean could hear him shuffling around. “I hope that’s ok.”

“Uh, yeah, of course. It’s, um...good to hear from you. Here, let me put you on speaker so you can talk to Sammy.”

Dean pressed the button and laid the phone on the table.

“Hey, Sammy.”

“Hi, Dad.”

There was an awkward silence for a little while and then John asked, “How’s, uh, school for you boys?”

“It’s good, Dad. Sam got straight A’s on his last report card.”

“Pfft, so did you, man,” Sam interjected.

“Wow, that’s great boys, really. That’s...yeah, that’s really, really good.”

This time the awkward pause was a lot longer. Dean tried to think of anything to say, but nothing came to him. He wanted to ask if his dad had quit drinking, but he didn’t want to be disappointed if he said no - or if he said yes and it didn’t take again. So he said nothing.

Finally, their dad broke the silence again. “Hey, Sam, uh...Well, I guess your brother already told you, but I wanted to say again…I’m sorry. For, you know, what happened at, uh...at Ellen’s.”

There was silence for a moment as Dean watched a host of emotions play across his younger brother’s face, shock being the first. He wasn’t sure if Sam would speak, but he finally said, “Ok, Dad. Um. Thanks.”

“I apologized to Ellen this morning, but tell your…uh, your friend that I’m sorry, too.”

That surprised Dean and Sam even more than the original apology and they exchanged a look of disbelief.

“Um, Gabe,” Sam told him. “My...boyfriend’s name is Gabe, Dad. He’s, um, here, actually. For Thanksgiving.”

“Oh, uh, tell...Gabe sorry then. It’s...good you’ve got...people who care about you around today.” They could hear what sounded like him scratching his beard and then he asked, “Dean, how about you? You have friends over, too?”

Dean looked at Cas before answering. “Yeah, my…” He took a deep breath, hands shaking and heart pounding. “My boyfriend Cas is here, too.”

There was dead silence on the other end of the line for a moment, then their father let out a slow breath.  Dean prepared himself to be defensive, but the yelling didn’t start as he expected. His father actually did sound like he might be sober for a change - especially rare on Thanksgiving - and that helped.

“Dean...I was raised a certain way...to believe certain things.” He sighed heavily. “But you and Sam, you’re my boys and...that should have trumped everything else.” He sighed again and Dean and Sam shared another disbelieving look. “I know I screwed up pretty much everything once your mom died, so I can't take credit, but it makes me proud, how brave you two are.” He seemed to hesitate, then told them, “Kate’s been….she’s been helping me see things more clearly. Maybe...maybe one day you boys can meet her.”

“Uh, sure, Dad. That sounds ok,” Dean said, not sure if he meant it or not, but Sam just shrugged like “Why not?”

“Yeah? Well, hey, maybe you can come here for Christmas or something?” At this, Sam shook his head no.

“Uh, maybe. We’ll see, Dad. Call me again in a couple weeks and we’ll talk about it.” The oven timer went off across the room. “Hey, I gotta go check the food, but Sam’s still here if you wanna - “

“No, no, that’s fine, you boys enjoy your day. I just wanted to call and...you know. I, uh...I love you boys.”

“You, too, Dad,” Sam and Dean said in unison.

When they disconnected, Dean made no immediate move to check the oven. He sat for a moment, staring at the floor, instead. Just trying to process what had just happened. He had come out to his dad and his dad had been ok with it. Sam had done the same with the same result. His dad had made no mention of coming back and for that Dean was grateful. Just because there was no booze today didn’t mean there wouldn’t be tomorrow...or even later today, for that matter.

He cleared his throat loudly and stood up. “Better check that food,” he said to the room at large.

“Dean, are you all right?” Cas asked softly.

“I don’t, uh...” He laughed a little. “I don’t actually know, Cas. I think so? But it’s hard to say.” He bent over and pulled open the door to the stove, checking the dressing and the temperature stick on the turkey. The gauge had not popped out of the turkey and the dressing still looked a little watery, so he reset the timer.

Dean turned back to the table and the three pairs of eyes that were watching him. He wondered if he should be upset that no one seemed to think his 12 year old brother would be unable to cope, but not one of them was sure about him. He was mainly just happy they all cared enough to worry.

“I’m, uh...you know? I think I’m ok. I think that was good, what just happened. I mean, he may get drunk and call us up later to bitch us out, Sam, I don’t know. But he won’t come here. I don’t think this Kate lady is gonna let that happen. And I can hang up a phone whenever I want.” He grabbed his drink and said, “Now come on, let’s go watch the parade until the timer goes off again.

Before he got into the other room, though, his phone was ringing again. This time it was Ellen, calling to see how the phone call with John had gone.

“It went, uh, good, I think.”

“Yeah? Well, that’s good. He apologized to me, but I didn't know what he’d say to you boys.”

“He apologized to us and...we both told him we had boyfriends, too.”

That shocked Ellen into a momentary silence. “Well now. How did John WInchester react to _that_?”

“He was actually pretty cool about it. Not thrilled, but he said us being his kids was more important. Prolly won’t last if he gets drunk, but for now I’ll take it.”

Ellen sighed. “Well, we can hope it’ll last, Dean. You boys still coming over later? You get my ice cream?”

“Of course to both, Ellen. You think I want the wrath of the Harvelle women on me on Thanksgiving? Or any other time, for that matter…”

That got a laugh out of Ellen. “Boy, you get sassier by the day. See you this evening, kid. Come hungry!” She hung up without a goodbye and Dean was left smiling and shaking his head.

Everyone raved over dinner. Dean was pretty happy with it himself. He could not believe the amount of food the four of them managed to put away. Gabe even ate some vegetables that _weren’t_ coated in maple syrup. Sam and Dean shared an amused look over when they both noticed him eating the corn in buttered cream sauce without adding anything sweet.

“Dean, you make amazing food,” Cas said as he tucked into his second helping of dressing.

Dean blushed a little, but was quite pleased. “Thanks, Cas. I’m glad you like it.”

“These are choice eats, Dean-O,” Gabe agreed. Then he looked at Sam. “Come on, Sam-a-lam, don’t be the only holdout. Tell your brother he needs to become my personal chef.”

Dean laughed and shook his head, biting in a turkey leg to hide his red cheeks.

“It is really great, Dean. You should make a plate for Bobby. He’s coming to Ellen’s for dessert, too, right?”

“That’s a good idea, Sam. I’ll do that.” He was pleased with his cooking and proud of his brother for being so thoughtful. He was also really thankful for the company at his table. “Just...hey, um, everybody listen. Not to get all Oprah or anything, but I’m glad you’re all here. This has been the best Thanksgiving I can remember.” He cleared his throat awkwardly and got up from his chair to hide his face. “So, who’s ready for pie?”

Everyone was and they sat down for several slices each. They had plenty of time to kill before heading to Ellen’s, though, so Sam suggested they play games. Their yard wasn’t really big enough for touch football - and Cas couldn’t have played if it had been, so they had to find something indoors that only required one hand and one leg.

Gabe suggested “Truth or Dare”, but he was quickly shot down by three very loud negatives. Then he offered “Have You Ever?” as an alternative and he was then disallowed from making further suggestions. Finally, Sam threw out the idea of quarters and when Cas said he’d never played, it was decided.

It turned out Cas had rather an aptitude for it, with Dean being the only one of the three he couldn’t beat - though it was close. They spent an hour on that and decided enough was enough. Gabe and Sam settled down to watch a movie and Dean asked Cas if he wanted to go for a drive. He said he did, so they grabbed jackets and headed out.

Dean drove pretty aimlessly for a while, but he headed toward the outlying countryside. While they drove, he debated for a while in silence before he finally played Cas the tape of his mom. Cas was really pleased that Dean had shared it with him.

“Hey, thanks for that tape copying thingie you loaned me. Remind me to give it back to you. I made a bunch of copies of this,” he admitted, smiling ruefully.

“Thanks for playing it for me. I like getting to know what your mom was like. I wish I had some way to share my mom with you, but I don’t have anything except my memories. I’m really, really glad that you do.”

Dean was overwhelmed by Cas selflessness. He knew that Cas wasn’t just saying those things. He really meant it. Even though he had nothing of his own mother’s, he wasn’t jealous of Dean’s good fortune. He was actually pleased for him.

“I love you, Cas.” It was still hard to say and wonderful to say.

Cas gave him his best smile and Dean thought he could love him for that expression alone. “I love you, too, Dean.” It was even more wonderful to hear and worth every bit of difficulty he had saying it.

Once they were out of town, Dean found a nice place to pull off and as soon as he had the ignition off, he crawled across the seat and practically sat in Cas’ lap to kiss him. They kissed for several minutes, but they didn’t progress to making out. Neither wanted to get caught out giving each other handjobs - or, in Dean’s case, the blowjob he wanted to give - and they didn’t want to get too excited without any release, either.

They reluctantly drew away from each other and Dean started up Baby so they could head back. Once they got turned around and back on the road, Cas reached out and took his hand. Dean smiled over at his gorgeous boyfriend and thought that today was the happiest he could ever remember feeling. Being a Winchester, he couldn’t help the feeling that something bad was gonna fuck it up eventually, but that day wasn’t today and he was enjoying the moment.

When they got back, Dean would have thought they made enough noise coming in, but apparently they hadn’t because when they walked into the living room, their voices were what startled Sammy and Gabe apart. They’d been involved in a pretty steamy kiss and they both jumped backwards about a foot when they heard Dean’s voice.

He cleared his throat, not looking at them. He was probably blushing as much as Sam. “Sam, in a minute I could use your help in the kitchen getting stuff ready to go, ok? Cas, you wanna sit in there with me?”

“Of course, Dean.”

So they headed to the kitchen, leaving the red faced adolescents to their humiliation.

It wasn’t until they were actually arriving at Ellen’s that Dean thought to be self-conscious about having Cas meet Bobby. He stammered over the introduction and omitted the “boy”, calling him just “my friend”. Bobby, however, having obviously been given a head’s up by Ellen - and possibly figuring it out on his own - just looked at Dean like he was the dumbest thing on two legs.

“You think I give a damn that he’s a he, Dean? Don’t be an idjit, boy. It’s nice to meet you, Cas.”

“It’s nice to meet you, too, Bobby. Dean has told me a lot about you.”

“Well, has he told you that if you hurt him I’ll break your other arm and leg?”

Cas smiled. “No, I don’t think he mentioned it. I will keep it in mind.”

Bobby harumphed at the lack of fear he had instilled. “See that you do. Hm, what’s that plate for, Dean? That wouldn’t happen to be leftovers, now, would it?”

“Bobby, take your food and go sit down, you old coot. I wanna say hi to these boys.” Ellen said as she walked up to rescue them. “Hey, there, Cas, it’s good to see you again under better circumstances. How you doing?”

“I’m doing well, and yourself?”

“Can’t complain. Hello, Dean. How’s it going, boy?” To his surprise, she pulled him into a hug. At his look of surprise, she shrugged. “I decided I liked it last time. Get over here. Sammy,” she said over Dean’s head. “You’re next, kid. Hey, Gabe, good to see you.”

They had a nice visit and every last one of them ate far too much pie and ice cream. Dean, ever aware that it might not last, soaked it up like a desert plant in rainy season. Seeing Sam so happy was maybe the best part, but it was kind of toss up between that and seeing Cas and Sam get along so well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that wasn't too painful. There were some funny moments, right? *wails "LOVE ME!"* *cries until comments come in* ;) ♥


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean cuts down on work. Cas comes back to school. Dean makes an enemy. Andrea makes a terrible decision. Cas' pain management interferes with his relationship with Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Chuck, I'm so sorry.
> 
>  ~~If there are errors, it's because my Beta was crying~~  
> 
> **Trigger Warnings: Drug abuse. Homophobia. ~~Devastating emotional pain.~~**

Dean loved cooking, especially now that he knew Sam appreciated his food. After his first date with Cas, however - and now that he had a little more money - Dean had decided he really enjoyed having one day a week when he didn’t have to cook. Since Cas was over at Gabe’s for dinner, he figured the Friday night after Thanksgiving was as good a time as any. Sammy was easily persuaded to head over to Donatello’s.

He had also cut back his work at the garage to two Saturdays a month, at least for the time being. That meant that after dinner tonight, Sam and Dean would be picking up Cas and Gabe and heading over to Ellen’s for a cake tasting. Jo had taken up baking and the boys were to be the guinea pigs. Gabe, of course, was ecstatic at the prospect.

The brothers had to wait a little longer this time before they got a table, but Sam was excitedly people watching, so the kid didn’t mind a bit. Dean was a little less eager to be surrounded by so many people, but he was good at pretending. Finally, they were seated and once again Sam was chattering about all the vegetable options he couldn’t decide between. Dean couldn’t help but smile at him.

He was feeling generous, so he told his brother, “Tell you what, Sammy. You choose a vegetable for me in place of my fries and I promise I will eat it - as long as it isn’t gross.”

“Really, Dean? Holy crap, that’s awesome! Don’t worry, I’ll pick something really good.”

Dean thought their definitions might differ somewhat, but he was open to trying new things. In the end, Sam had ordered him some sort of baked cauliflower thing. Dean was highly skeptical, but once their meal came, he was pleasantly surprised. It was almost as crunchy and buttery tasting as the fries, but according to the menu, had lots less fat and calories - and more vitamins, according to his brother, “Encyclopedia BritSamica”.

That was Gabe’s latest nickname and Dean had loved and therefore stolen it. Neither of them used it very often, since it wasn’t exactly easy to say, but it was a fun one. Sam rolled his eyes at the moniker, but didn’t lose his smile.

They were halfway through their meals when Benny walked up to the table.

“Hey, man! You get stuck with the kid brother for the night or is this your date?” He laughed uproariously at his joke and took a chair from a table behind him, turning it around so he could sit down in the aisle next to Dean.

“Cute, Ben, real cute. This is my brother, Sam. Sam, this is my friend Benny.”

“Oh, hey, uh, Benny. Nice to meet you.” Dean thought Sam looked a little annoyed, but he wasn’t sure why.

“Yeah, hey kid,” Benny said before turning back to Dean. Dean felt a little annoyed himself at that, but let it go because Benny seemed super excited. “So listen, me and some guys from football are heading to Murphy’s, brother. You down?”

“Nah, man, sorry. I got plans.”

Benny punched his shoulder, grinning. “Aw, come on, son! Word around town is, you ain’t got a girlfriend, so what’s so important you can’t ditch for some pool?”

“You trying to see if I’m single so you can make your move, Benny?” Dean joked, instantly on the offensive. “That’s so sweet! But you’re not really my type.” Dean knew Benny would assume he meant his gender, which was all to the good, even if it actually had nothing to do with it.

“Can’t blame a guy for trying,” Benny teased back. Then his voice went falsetto. “Dean Winchester, you are the prettiest boy in all the land!” Dean saw Sam roll his eyes and make a bitch face.

“Shut up, LaFitte. Anyway, I got important people I’m seeing tonight. Maybe another time, man.”

Benny made a petulant face, eyes wide with his lower lip stuck out comically, but Dean wasn’t budging. “Well, shit. All right.” Benny sighed in defeat and got up, leaving the chair where he’d put it.  “See you later, loser,” but he was smiling as he walked away.

As soon as he was gone, Dean turned to Sam. “All right, let’s hear it.”

“That guy’s a dickbag.”

“Sammy!”

“Well, he is, Dean! I know I’m a kid, and it’s not cool to talk to me or whatever, but he was rude and pushy and...man, I dunno, even beyond that, there’s something about him I don’t like. He seems like...he seems like he’s got a mean streak.”

Dean made a face, but there wasn’t much he could say. Sammy didn’t often dislike people and Dean had found it was best to take him seriously when he did. He considered defending Benny, but he realized he honestly didn’t know the guy that well.

“I’ll keep that in mind, Sam.”

“You mad?”

Dean smirked, “Of course not. Bitch.”

“Good. Jerk.” Sam smiled and dug into his vegetables once more.

* * *

 

The week following Thanksgiving, Cas was finally out of his casts and released back to school. He was thrilled, but also scared to death. He had gotten used to being around Sam and Dean and Gabe and only having to have his public persona during the few brief interactions he had with his brothers. Now he had to have it up all the time again and it was exhausting.

On the definite plus side, though, Cas found out that Dean Winchester kept his promises. He had introduced Cas to a couple of new people, and so had Jo. So he was making friends. As soon as Cas got the go ahead from his doctor, Dean had picked a time and place the very first week and told Cas to get ready because he was learning to drive.

Cas had been a little nervous, but had mostly managed not to think about it. Now that they were actually on the way to the place Dean had picked, though...He was slightly terrified. He kept remembering what had happened before. Not just what he had done, but the way his brother had screamed at him. He knew Dean was not the sort to scream, but he also knew Dean didn't like to wait for things, so how much patience could he have for teaching?

The answer, as far as Cas could tell an hour later, was infinite. Dean had not once raised his voice. He had not snapped at Cas or acted exasperated in any way. He had just instructed and gently corrected. No matter how many times Cas got a thing wrong, Dean just reminded him in the same calm voice what the right way was.

Eventually, his utter calm began to reach Cas. Cas let himself relax. He started to talk to himself, reminding himself of the steps to take. Dean didn't mock or judge. All he did was nod, smile and say, "Good, that's good," or "Yeah, Cas, better." Soon, Cas was driving around the dirt road of the picnic area Dean had found like someone who knew what they were doing.

Dean even had him get out on the road to get used to being up to highway speeds. He had Cas turn around in a church parking lot just a few miles away, but Cas felt like he'd really accomplished something. Then they drove back to the picnic area and made out until it was time to go home, which didn't make Cas feel accomplished, but did make him feel really good.

In fact, he felt so good that he didn't even take a pill when he got home. He didn't take one at all, in fact, until he got out of physical therapy two days later. He felt like someone had beaten his leg with a lead pipe. It ached from hip to toe. He didn't know how that was possible, but it was true.

He took two pills and texted Dean not to come over. He just wasn't up to it. He crawled into bed and waited for that floaty sleep to overtake him. As always, that moment of bliss came first, then everything sort of disconnected and before he knew it, sleep.

* * *

 

Dean was so happy to have Cas back at school. They didn’t get to see each other as much as he’d have liked, but every time he got a glimpse of Cas in the hallway, it was a little thrill that never got old. They had to keep the full extent of their relationship a secret because of the Angeles brothers, but they could hang out as friends. The pent up sexual tension from not being able to touch each other just meant that the time they got together after school was twice as hot as before.

Later that same week, Dean had coffee with Andrea. She talked to him more about Gabe’s self-harming. She also mentioned that Uriel had started beating up on Gabe only after she’d told Uriel that she might tell Gabe who his real dad was. It was an unpleasant talk for those reasons, but Dean was glad she felt like she could confide in him.

He did bring up the cutting with Sammy, since Dean wanted to make sure he was fully aware of Gabe’s problem. Sam already knew, which told Dean a lot about both boys. He hugged Sam tighter than usual and told him to let Gabe know they were always there for him, if he needed them. He was really fond of that kid and hated he had been through so much. Dean was very glad Gabe had Sam in his life now.

His new friendship with Andrea seemed to be working out well, but the one with Benny really wasn’t. The first time Benny had come up while he was talking to Cas had been a little awkward and Dean wasn’t sure why. Cas certainly seemed happy enough to meet him, but Benny seemed weird. He had given Dean a few odd looks that Dean really didn’t understand.

He and Cas had been standing by his locker talking about what they were gonna do that weekend when Benny strolled up and punched him in the arm.

“Hey, Winchester, you been scarce lately! What gives?”

“Oh, hey, Benny! Sorry, man, I’ve been too busy catching up with my best friend here, now that he’s back in school.” He had taken the opportunity to put his hand on Cas’ shoulder as he gestured to Benny. “Cas, this is Benny LaFitte. Benny, this is Cas Angeles.”

“Uh, yeah, hey. I play football with your brothers.” As he had said this, Benny’d made the first odd face Dean had noticed.

“Yes, I’ve heard my brothers and Dean talk about you. All good things,” Cas had said with an easy smile.

The rest of the conversation had gone much the same way, with Cas being friendly and Benny saying all the right things, yet still sounding not so friendly to Dean’s ears. When Benny had asked if he wanted to go to Murphy’s, Dean had said he and Cas had planned to hang out and asked if it was cool if Cas joined them.

Benny’s verbal reaction was “The more the merrier,” but Dean could tell he wasn’t happy at all. So Dean “remembered” that he had promised to take Sam into Kansas City and backed out of Murphy’s all together and Benny had made his exit.

When Benny had walked away, Dean had thought about what Sam said about Benny and decided maybe he really needed to back off from that friendship. It had been a nice enough way to pass the time when Cas wasn’t around, but he was back now and he was the only one Dean really wanted to hang out with, anyway. Cas, thankfully, did not seem to notice anything was weird, so at least his feelings hadn’t been hurt by Benny’s rudeness. Dean didn’t avoid Benny after that, but he didn’t go out of his way to speak to him, either.

It was the only semi-bad spot of the whole first week. Teaching Cas to drive had been pretty great and not even because they had made out for so long afterward. Cas had been so nervous, but Dean had been relaxed. He’d had the opportunity to just stare at Cas and learn every inch of his face without him noticing and getting self-conscious about it. He was too focused on driving. Then when Cas had started getting the hang of it, Dean was really happy he had been the one to teach him.

The more he thought about it over the next week, the more certain he became that he wanted Cas around for a long time. He didn’t really believe in happily ever after. Winchesters never seemed to be able to make that work. But he thought maybe he and Cas had a shot at being more than just a short-term thing. He couldn’t wait till he was out of high school and could just work at Bobby’s and not have to deal with high school and hiding who he was.

He wanted to walk through the halls holding Cas’ hand. He wanted the whole world to know how lucky he was, that the hottest guy in school had picked _him_. He couldn’t, and he hated it. He kind of felt like, since the talk with his Dad, he might be ready to be out and proud full time and not just at home or Ellen’s. There were gay couples at Southpoint, after all, so he and Cas wouldn’t be the first. Then again, those people didn’t have Raph and Zach for brothers.

His thoughts on that were reinforced about a week after Cas got back to school. Dean took a short cut down an underused hallway and found Zach harassing one of the out couples. It was pathetic and infuriating on so many levels. Not only was his violent homophobia sickening, but they were tiny freshmen while he was an 18 year old senior and a football jock. He didn’t even have the excuse of trying to look tough for his buddies, since the bastard was doing it in secret.

Dean stepped between the three of them.

“Hey, Zach, how about you head on back to class and leave these kids alone?”

“This doesn't concern you, Winchester. Go away.” Zach tried to look threatening, but since Dean had several inches and at least 30 pounds on him, it didn’t really work too well.

“Well, now, you see, Zach, that’s where you’re wrong.” Dean leaned toward him slightly. “Coz I’ve got this brother. And he’s not much younger than these guys. And if some fucker messed with him,” Dean said on a laugh, wiping his lip with his thumb, “I know how fucking pissed off I’d be. Especially,” he added, “if no one stepped in to stop it. So walk away, Zach.”

He didn’t do it without threatening to make Dean’s life hell, of course. Dean just said, “You’re welcome to try. At least I’m closer to your size than those two.” Dean knew he was making an enemy and, since it was Cas’ brother and one of the richest and most popular people in school, that meant it could be a real problem for him later. He didn’t care, especially when he saw the relief on the freshmen’s faces when Zach finally did walk away.

He turned back to the two boys cowering behind him. “You boys all right?”

They nodded, staring openly at him in wide-eyed wonder.

“Ok, better get to class, then. If he messes with you again, you let me know, all right?”

He told Cas about it on the way home, slightly afraid of his reaction. Cas told him he’d done the right thing, but also said he thought it might be better for Dean if he didn’t hang around the Angeles house for a while.

“What? But how’m I supposed to see you?”

“You can always drop me off at your house after school and then just drop me off at my house later, without having to go inside or anything.”

“You wouldn’t mind hanging out with Sam?”

Cas looked at him like he’d grown a couple of extra heads. “I consider Sam a friend, Dean. It would be my pleasure to spend time with him. Do you think he will mind?”

Dean smiled. “Not even a little bit.” He chewed his lip. “I hate that you’re stuck there without any way to leave, though. I mean, what if they start shit with you when I’m not around? You should be able to get in your car and go when you want to.”

“Well, I can’t. You know that.”

“Why can’t you? You know how to drive now. All you gotta do is read the driver’s manual and take the test and I know you can get your license.”

Cas thought about it for a long time without saying anything. “I’d need to practice my driving more before I took the test, surely?”

“We can do it tonight when I get off work, if you want. Sammy won’t mind coming along. Then I can drive you over to get your test taken tomorrow. It’ll get you out of having to take drivers’ ed next semester, too.”

“Ok, but I still can’t buy a car. I’m not 18 yet.”

“Shit. Hey, I bet I can get Bobby to sell you one of his and leave it in his name. As long as you’ve got insurance, he won’t care.”

“You really think he’d do that?”

“In 15 minutes, I can find out and let you know,” Dean said as they pulled up in his driveway. “You can still ride home with me and leave your car at home,” he said quickly, so Cas didn’t think he was trying to get rid of him. “Hey, you can even drive yourself to physical therapy so you don’t have to rely on your brothers!” Dean said excitedly as soon as he realized that added bonus.

Sam was excited to find out Cas was staying over that day and for the foreseeable future, just as Dean had expected. He hated he had to rush to work, but he was glad he was leaving his two favorite people together instead of alone. He found Bobby as soon as he got to work to ask him about a car.

“Well, how much can he spend?”

“Why? You got some Porsche back there I don’t know about, Robert?”

“Don’t be a horse’s ass, boy. I know I’ve mostly got junkers, but it also happens I’ve got a sweet little Belvedere back there. The body and interior are great, but the engine needs some work. It runs, but it needs maintenance pretty bad. You think he’d be interested in something like that?”

“Uh, I don’t know, lemme call him and see.” He put the phone up to his ear and then swung the mouthpiece away from his lips. “Oh, hey, what year is it?”

“‘54. Turquoise.”

“Hey, Cas. Listen, Bobby said he’d sell you something, but I didn’t know your price range or anything. He’s got a really nice Belvedere. I don’t know if you know what that is - “

“The price...isn’t an issue. I can pay him weekly until I turn 18 and then I can pay it off. I am not familiar with a Belvedere. Is that a good car?”

“Well, I like it, but I don’t know if you would. How about I bring you down here tomorrow after your test and you can take a look at it?”

“We’re skipping school to take the test, aren’t we?” Cas asked, as if just realizing the fact.

“Well, only if you want to. I could drop you off at the DMV and go to work and come back whenever you call me. I’m sure Bobby can let me have an hour off, if I need it.”

“We’ll talk about it when you get home. You should get back to work, and Sammy and I are doing homework, anyway.”

He turned his back and walked away from Bobby so he wouldn’t be overheard. “Ok. I, uh, I love you, Cas.”

He could hear the smile on Cas’ face. “I love you, too, Dean.” Dean laughed when he heard Sam’s shout of “Gross!” in the background before they hung up.

* * *

 

When Cas got to his locker before last period on the last day of school before Christmas break, he almost got knocked down by a couple of people who weren't paying attention. He heard a female voice yell at them. When they had gone past, he was surprised to see Meg Masters standing in front of him.

"Thanks, Meg."

"Don't mention it." She didn't walk away. It seemed like she wanted to say something, but she just looked anywhere but his face for a moment without speaking.

"Meg? Did you want somethi- "

"How you doing, Castiel?" It came out in a rush, as though the words had broken free at last.

"What? I'm fine, except for the leg, why?"

She looked at him for a moment then before shifting her gaze again. "I was just...thinking about you the other day. Just wondered how you were dealing with...you know, stuff."

"I'm doing very well, Meg." He hesitated. "I still owe you a favor."

She smiled, saying, "As if, Casted-L. We're square, you and me." Then she was gone.

Cas was left feeling very confused. While he thought Meg probably meant well, their talk had left him feeling anxious and unsettled. He knew he probably shouldn't, since he’d taken one already after lunch, but he took another one of his pain pills because it would chase away the strange sense of unease.

His last class was mostly a blur. The pill started working within 15 minutes, so he was left feeling floaty and disconnected for most of the period.

When the bell rang, he headed for his locker slowly, wishing - and not for the first time - that his locker wasn't across the building from Dean's, especially, since he was riding home with him every day.

When he finally got his books put away - it only took him three tries - he grabbed his book bag and closed the locker. He started to head for Dean's end of the building. Before he'd gotten two feet, however, Benny was there, blocking his way.

"Hey, Angeles."

"Hello. Can you let me pass, please? I'm late to meet Dean." Cas was relieved that his voice didn't sound as slurred as his brain felt. He actually thought he sounded normal. Of course, maybe he was too out of it to tell.

"Sure, man. I just wanted to say, I was surprised to see you talking to Meg Masters earlier." Benny rubbed a hand over his considerable jaw. "I mean, after what went on between you and her sister, I would have thought you'd steer well clear of Meg."

Despite the drugs, Castiel's blood ran cold. His stomach dropped to his feet. His lungs weren't working properly and he felt on the verge of a black out. He forced himself to take a deep breath.

Summoning all his will, he told the large boy, "I'm afraid I don't know what you mean. Excuse me, I have to go."

Without sparing him another glance, Cas stepped sideways and then around the beefy Benny. He then swung his bad leg as fast as he could to get the hell out of there. Then the fear gradually started losing out to anger, as he made his way toward the disloyal green eyes of the boy who had betrayed him and the shiny black car that had almost killed him.

By the time he reached the passenger door, Cas was furious. He had enough presence of mind to keep quiet until they were off school grounds, though. At his lack of response to Dean's enthusiastic greeting, Dean asked if he was in pain.

Cas let out a bitter laugh as he fastened his seatbelt. "Yes, Dean. I am in a lot of pain. Can you drive me home, please?" He thought for a moment and then added. "And if it's all the same to you, I'd really prefer not to have to endure any Zeppelin on this trip."

He ignored the look of hurt he saw pass over Dean's face. "Sure, Cas, whatever you want. You need a pill or something?"

Cas hadn't planned on another one, but he figured he may as well. Maybe it would take the edge off this pain in his gut. The anger was covering something else, but he wouldn't let it rise. He held fast to the rage, as he shook out another little tablet and swallowed it dry.

All the way back to his house, he stoked his anger. Feeding it little bitter morsels to keep it burning bright. He thought of all the injustices Dean's had brought on him before this one. He told himself he should have known better, should have seen it coming.  He shut down all of Dean’s attempts at conversation, his tone clipped and his manner abrupt.

When they pulled into the driveway, Dean said wearily, "I'm guessing from your mood, you don't want me to come inside?"

That caused the last thread on the leash of Castiel's self control to break with an almost audible snap. "Dean Winchester, I don't want you to come inside ever again after what you did to me."

Cas forced himself not to feel, not to think, as he saw the freckled face go pale and the green eyes widen in shock and get red-rimmed. "Cas?" Dean asked in a hoarse whisper, full of what sounded like fear as much as anything else. Cas could not, for the moment, form words with which to respond. He was too hurt and...no, not hurt. Angry only.

His lack of response got Dean asking questions. "Cas? What did I do? I haven't done anything! Please, Cas, talk to me. We can fix this, whatever it is. _Please_." His voice was pleading, but Cas didn’t let himself waiver, allowed himself to show no mercy.

"What you've done cannot be fixed. You've betrayed me, Dean. I told you my darkest secrets and you shared them with that...that fucking overgrown... _dickbag_ ," he said, silently thanking Sam for the perfect word. "How could you possibly think you could fix that?"

"Cas, please, man, I don't know what you're talking about, but don't do this to me. To _us_. I don't know what you think I said to anyone, but I haven't, I swear! Cas, I would never. I love - " Dean sounded scared, _panicked_ , but Cas couldn’t let himself worry about that.

" _Don't you dare_!" Cas raged. "Don't you dare say that to me after what you did!" He wasn't pleased to hear how slurred his voice sounded now.

“Cas?” Dean sounded worried now. "Cas, how many pills did you take? You don't...you don’t sound like you're yourself." Dean's voice sounded almost hopeful and then once again he was begging. “Please don’t do this!”

"None of your business, Dean. I'm sober enough to know I want you out of my life." With that, Cas was stumbling out of the car and towards the kitchen entrance.  He didn’t check to see if Dean was trying to follow and he told himself he didn’t care that the green eyed blond hadn’t. Cas had told him to stay away, hadn’t he? So Dean was and that was good.

By the time he got back to his room, fumbling for way too long with the lock, Cas’ anger had started to wane. In its place, the hurt was starting to set in. Cas didn’t want to feel it. He didn’t want to think about Dean, his beautiful friend, with eyes like the leaves in spring, turning out to be a deceitful bastard with eyes the color of a snake.

How could he have done it? How could he have tricked Cas so completely? Castiel had spent years building up his walls and honing his defenses. He didn’t let people in. He didn’t show anyone the real him. And then Dean Winchester, with his pretty face and his sad life history, had wormed his way into Castiel’s heart. He’d made him believe in things he never had before. Happy endings and true love and all that other bullshit Castiel should have known better than to hope for.

The sobs had taken over before he even managed to get the door locked. He sobbed till he was hoarse. His chest ached from the crying as well as the betrayal. Dean had told _Benny_. He had told him about April and Meg and...Why? Why had he _done_ that? Had they sat and laughed together about what a freak Cas was? About how weak he had been? He could hear Benny’s mocking voice saying, “Too weak to throw off a damn cheerleader? Damn, that boy is _pathetic_!” and then his booming laughter.

Cas lay on the couch and cried until he had nothing left. He was glad there was no one to hear the pitiful sounds he made. His voice sounded like a wounded animal. He supposed they’d have mocked that, too. He couldn’t believe Dean had sat there and tried to tell him...No, he couldn’t think about it. Not now. Better to forget. He would take another pill and it would all go away. But his hands were too clumsy and his brain too foggy. He managed to get the bottle out of his pocket, but it rolled uselessly from his hand and across the floor. Before he could even think to retrieve it, he was asleep.

* * *

 

Dean sat in the Impala, impatiently beating his fingers on the steering wheel as he waited for Cas. He had to drop Cas off at home and then meet up with Andrea for coffee and then it would be time for dinner with Sam. They were going to one of the outlying towns tonight and Dean couldn’t help but feel a little excited.

Then suddenly, he spotted his boyfriend walking the Impala’s way. Dean’s heart picked up speed as it always did when Cas came into view. He couldn’t help the wide smile that broke across his face. Then he noticed that Cas wasn’t returning his smile. Cas looked...Dean wasn’t sure. There was pain on his face, but Dean had never seen that exact expression before and he didn’t know what to make of it.

“Cas, man are you…” He realized halfway through that it was a dumb question. Cas clearly was not all right. “Are you in pain?” He had secretly wondered if maybe Cas was taking too many pills, but if the look on Cas’ face now was anything to go by, he was still in plenty enough pain from his injuries. Dean tried to ignore the stab of guilt that always accompanied thoughts of Cas’ still mending leg. At least his arm was all healed.

Cas confirmed he was in pain. He didn’t want to, really, but once they were driving - after Cas had insulted his music, the music they’d shared on that first monumental ride home together, the music that was supposed to be special to both of them - Dean suggested maybe Cas take a pill. If it would help the pain and maybe get rid of this shitty mood Cas was in, Dean was all for it.

He tried to talk to Cas, cheer him up, distract him, but the guy seemed set on being a dick. Dean had never seen him in this bad a mood before. Even that time when he’d driven him home from the hospital, he had quickly snapped out of his temper. Dean didn’t know why he’d be in more pain now than then, but obviously _something_ was wrong.

Then they got to the Angeles house and Dean knew, without having to be told, that he wasn’t invited inside. He had been looking forward to a kiss or two before he left, but it looked like that wouldn’t be happening. He hoped Cas’ mood would improve before he got back from dinner to pick him up.

Then Cas started talking, accusing him of betrayal - and Dean felt his world stutter to a halt. What the hell was Cas saying? He tried to argue, to reason and when that failed, to _beg_ Cas to change his mind. It all fell on deaf ears.

Dean felt as though his skin was on fire from the inside. He wanted to claw at the pain in his throat and chest, to dig out the pain that was clutching at him. That was his heart breaking, he could actually _feel_ it. Cas, beautiful, sweet, kind Cas, was breaking up with him. The boy with the eyes like sapphires was telling him it was over. No. That couldn’t be. Cas was sounding drugged or something. This had to just be the pills talking. Maybe Dean could still get through to him.

“I love - “

But Cas wouldn’t let him say it. Cas told him not to say it. And then Cas was gone. Into his house and away from Dean. It was over. Dean didn’t know how long he sat in the driveway, frozen. Waiting, hoping that Cas would realize what he had done and come back out. He didn’t. Dean was too shocked to even cry. He went into auto-pilot. When he reached the parking lot of the diner where he was meeting Andrea, he didn’t even remember how he’d gotten there.

When he saw Andrea sitting by the window, he gave a little wave and tried to flash some pale imitation of a smile. He hoped she wouldn’t ask what was wrong. He didn’t know what he would say, but he suspected that the dam holding back the numbness might break and he couldn’t have that.

She didn’t seem to notice anything was wrong. They got coffee and sat making small talk until it arrived. It wasn’t until the waitress had left them with their steaming mugs that Dean realized why not. Something was wrong with _Andrea_. Her eyes were red-rimmed and haunted looking. Her smile was brittle and she was having trouble maintaining eye contact.

“Andrea, what’s going on?” He didn’t mean to sound so rough, but his nerves were frayed and he wasn’t sure he could be any comfort to anyone else. Not with his own world crumbling around him.

Her smile was a mockery of the real thing. It wavered at the edges and didn’t come near her eyes. Then she did something Dean would have said was impossible. She said words that made his heart break almost as much as getting dumped.

“Gabe and I have to move away.”

 _Oh, God, no, not Sammy too, please God, don’t make him lose Gabe. I’ve already lost Cas. Please._ It was the closest Dean had done to praying since right after his mom had died.

“What? No, Andrea, you can’t do that to Sam and Gabe.”

“Dean, I know how upset Gabe is gonna be. I told you about the cutting. You really think I would do this if it wasn’t _necessary_?” Her voice rose and she reigned in her emotions before speaking again. “Uriel is threatening us. He showed up at my job today.”

“So call the police! Have him arrested!” Dean argued it, even though he knew that fighting an Angeles in a battle of he said-she said would be unlikely to result in victory.

“Dean, no one saw him but me. He’s smart. And he...he’s threatening to really hurt Gabe if I don’t come back to him. I got him to give me a few days to think about it. But I’m scared he’s gonna kill us. I’ve got to get out of here. I’ve got a friend in Illinois who can get me a job there.”

“Andrea, please. _Please_! Look, I’ve got friends here. Adults. They can help you. We can protect you, get you a place to stay. We can get evidence on Uriel’s threats and get him arrested.”

“Dean, I _can’t_. I can’t take the chance on something happening to my son.”

“But you _are_ taking that chance, dammit!” He said it loud enough that a couple of people stared, but he didn’t care. “Andrea, like you said, Gabe’s a cutter. What do you think he’s gonna do for comfort when you rip him away from his b-best friend?! The _only_ real friend he’s ever had, you said! And it’s fucking Christmas!”

“I know how important Sam is to him! I’m his mother, you don’t think I see how much they mean to each other? You don’t think his cutting scares me to death? I’m gonna get him into therapy when I get there. They’ve got really good state insurance for low income families there. And he’ll have me and my family for a real Christmas for once. I’m doing what’s best for him. You don’t have kids of your own, you can’t understand.”

Dean was angry now. “If you don’t think I know what it’s like to have a kid you care about more than your own life, then you aren’t as smart as I always thought you were.” His voice was low and dangerous. She had touched a nerve and he was about to snap. “Why the hell do you think I am so upset right now? Sam is going to be fucking devastated and I don’t know what he might do. And you think I don’t fucking _understand_?” He tried to calm himself. He did his best to bring his voice to a more even level. “Andrea, I am telling you, you don’t have to uproot Gabe like this. We can protect you. I promise you that.”

Andrea looked sad, but Dean could tell she wasn’t changing her mind. His heart sank even further than he had thought it was possible for it to go.

“I’m sorry, Dean. We both know that’s a promise you can’t keep. Gabe and I are leaving first thing Monday. I’ve already rented the truck and started packing.”

“Andrea, no. No, please don’t do this.” The tears were threatening to spill over. He shut them down, using every last ounce of his will power. He could not let go now. Not with so much being bottled up.

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. This is happening. I’m telling Gabe when I get home.” She rubbed her temple. “Look, if you’re ok with it, Gabe can spend the weekend with Sam. And they can write and call whenever they want once we leave. There’s video chat nowadays, it won’t be so bad.”

 _You can’t kiss a fucking video chat_ , Dean thought, but couldn’t say. Instead, he told her, “It’s fine if Gabe stays the weekend. Not that it’s going to help.” He cleared his throat. “We’re supposed to go to Clayborn for dinner. Can we take Gabe with us?”

They hashed out the details and then Dean found himself back in the car, driving home. He was in a fog. It was the only thing holding him together. He had to go home and tell Sam. His insides were burning up. He didn’t want to see the look on Sammy’s face. He knew how upset the kid was going to be. He was going to be just as heartbroken and devastated as Dean had been by Cas. He was going to get angry and lash out at Dean, as the messenger. He couldn’t remember a worse holiday season since the year his mom died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So very sorry.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tells Sam about Gabe, then about Cas. Sam texts Cas to find out what's going on. Gabe comes over for their last weekend together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse before they get better.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~My Beta has just started referring to me by a host of obscenities, broken up with declarations of hating me, even though she read these chapters months ago.~~
> 
>  
> 
> **Trigger warnings: Discussion of drug abuse, brief mention of alcoholism, ~~Scarring emotional trauma from feels~~**

Dean walked into the house slowly, dreading every step that took him closer to Sammy and everything he had to tell him. He felt as though he’d swallowed a bowling ball. He was so angry with Andrea and all of the Angeles brothers and his heart was breaking for his little brother already. Sam was waiting for him just inside the living room. He looked happy and hopeful and all the things Dean knew he was about to take away. Dean felt sick.

“Hey, Dean. How was coffee with Ms. Trixton? Gabe said he was going to ask her if I could come over this weekend, but I don’t know if he did. Did she ask you about it?” Sam talked in a smiling rush for a moment before Dean’s lack of response or maybe just the expression on Dean’s face registered with him. “Dean? What’s wrong? Is it Cas? Is he ok?”

He flinched, both because Sam was worried about him and because yes, part of Dean’s problem was Cas. “Sammy, let’s go sit down on the couch. I...we gotta talk. It’s about Gabe.”

Sam’s body went rigid and his eyes tightened in worry. “What’s wrong? Is he all right? I don’t wanna sit down, Dean. Tell me what happened!” He was a bit hysterical near the end.

“Sam. _Sit_ ,” Dean said firmly. To his relief, Sam did and he followed suit. “It hasn’t happened yet, but Andrea told me tonight that...fuck!” Dean stood back up, pulling at his hair with both hands. “Sam, she’s...I’m sorry...but she told me she’s taking Gabe and moving to Illinois. They’re supposed to leave Monday.”

Sam’s eyes widened in shock and his lips quivered. Then he, too, leapt up from the couch. “What?! _NO_! No way!” Sam’s voice broke and with it Dean’s heart. “Dean, please, man, you’ve gotta talk her out of it! You’ve got to stop her! She can’t do that! Dean, she _can’t_!” His voice had gone up an octave at least, getting higher with each word.

Dean did his best to keep his voice calm as he said, “Sam, I tried, I really did. I tried the whole time I was with her after she told me. Her mind is made up, she won’t - “

“Then you have to try _HARDER_!” He was full on sobbing now and Dean wanted to be sobbing himself. He felt tears prickle behind his eyes and burn there.

“Sam, she won’t listen to me. Gabe’s step-dad Uriel has started threatening her. Threatening Gabe. I tried to tell her Ellen and Bobby and I would protect her, but she wouldn’t listen. She’s too - “

“ _Please_ , Dean, _please_!! I’m begging you, don’t let her take him!”

Sam sounded years younger than 12. He sounded like he’d sounded on so many nights when he was little and he’d asked Dean to call Dad and try to get him home. So sad and pitiful and _young_ and it was all Dean could do not to break down and bawl himself. He hated Andrea Trixton in that moment more than he had hated anyone in a long time.

“Sam, I’m so sorry. There’s nothing I can do. I know you’re hurting. I know it’s gonna hurt for a long time, but I really can’t do - “

“That’s _bull_ shit! You don’t care how I feel! You’ve got Cas, you get to keep _him_!” Dean had no time to reflect on the dagger that suddenly seemed to be sticking through his heart. “What’s it matter to _you_ if she takes Gabe away from me? You could stop her if you wanted! You just don’t care enough to stop her!”

Dean knew Sam was only lashing out because he was hurting. So he didn’t let himself get mad or even respond to the things he’d said. Instead, he just murmured, “Come here, Sammy,” and pulled Sam to him. His little brother kicked and fought, but Dean whispered, “Come on now, Sammy,” and pulled him toward his chest again. Sammy pushed him off again, all the while yelling nonsense protests. Dean just kept trying until Sam finally gave in and collapsed against him, small body wracked with sobs. Faced with the great weight of Sam’s heartbreak, Dean could not help but let his own tears fall.

He pressed kisses into Sam’s hair and stroked his back, whispering meaningless soothing sounds against his temple. He lost count of how many times he said he knew or he was sorry, how many times he rocked or stroked or squeezed his little brother. He didn’t know how long it took either of them to stop crying, but Sam continued to shake with hiccups for a long time after his shuddering sobs ended.

When he was finally calm, Dean said, “The one positive thing is that Gabe is spending the weekend with us, so you can still have your Christmas together. We’re supposed to pick him up on the way to dinner. I know it’s not much, but…” As hard as he knew this was on Sam, Dean thought about the cutting and how hard this was gonna be on that odd little sandy haired boy they had both had grown so fond of. “I’m sure he’s probably scared and hurting at least as much as you, maybe even more. Let him know you care about him. Don’t let him leave here without knowing how much he means to you.”

Sam’s voice was barely a sound, even though his mouth was right by Dean’s ear. “I love him, Dean. I love him so much.” Dean felt fresh tears and he let them fall. He didn’t try to hide his single sob from Sam, either. Sam had started to cry again himself, so Dean wasn’t even sure if he noticed.

After a few moments, when they were both calm again, Sam spoke again, only slightly louder than before. “Dean? If she takes him, he might start cutting again. What if he does and then he dies? What if I never see him again? What am I gonna do?”

Dean had no answers for him. He sent him upstairs to get ready. Then Dean’s own break-up flashed through his mind again. He realized Cas probably wouldn’t know about the Trixton departure unless he told him.

**Andrea is taking Gabe and moving to Illinois. People named Angeles sure do enjoy running away from people named Winchester, don’t they?**

He instantly regretted the second half, but there was nothing he could do.

**Sam must be devastated. I’m sorry.**

Dean’s anger flared again and he sent before he thought a second time.

**Don’t pretend to care. You had no problem devastating me.**

Dean turned off his phone and climbed the stairs to lie down on his bed until Sam was ready to go. It wasn’t long before he heard Sam’s door open and Dean called out to him so he’d know he was upstairs. He sat down on Dean’s bed without saying anything. Dean sat up and examined Sam’s face. It still bore the red puffy evidence of tears, but it looked better than it had. He assumed knowing he would see Gabe soon had calmed him some.

“How you doin’, Sammy?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know, Dean. I called Gabe while I was getting ready. He’s pretty upset, but he’s also kind of scared about Uriel making good on his threats. He doesn’t want to leave me, but he doesn’t want Uriel to do anything to him or his mom, either. So he’s super unhappy. He still wants to come over this weekend so we can see each other before he has to leave.” Sam hesitated. “I know I was a real jerk to you. Sorry.”

“You were hurting, Sam. I didn’t take it personally.”

“Can, um...Can I go to work with you Monday and Monday night, can I go with you and Cas? I don’t wanna be here alone once he’s gone, but I don’t think I’m up to seeing Ellen and Jo, either.”

Dean sighed and looked away. “I’m not gonna be seeing Cas Monday.”

“Huh? You see him every night. Plus, you were supposed to go out for Christmas, you said.”

Dean sighed again, this time to try to avoid the sob that threatened to bubble over. “We...broke up.”

“ _What_? Dean, why? When?”

“For the why, you’ll have to ask Cas. He dumped me this afternoon when I took him home, before my thing with Andrea.” He let out a chuckle without any humor in it. “I lost my boyfriend and then found out you were gonna lose yours. It’s been a spectacularly shittastic day, Sammy.”

“Dean...I’m so sorry. Especially for what - “

“Forget it, Sam, I told you.”

They were both quiet for a long moment. Finally, Sam broke the silence. “Dean?” He waited for an acknowledgement from his brother. “I swear I won’t do anything, but...could I maybe sleep in the same bed with Gabe tonight?”

“Sammy, I don’t...let me think about it.” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “You ready to go now?” Sam nodded. Dean said quietly, “I’ll take off work Monday, Sam. I won’t leave you alone.”

* * *

 

Cas was not expecting the text from Dean. He ignored the second half and just responded to the news about Gabe. He truly was sad for Sam. Dean's second text made him angry. Dean was one to talk about devastating people, wasn't he?

Cas took several minutes crafting a reply. He hit send and pretended he didn't care that he didn't get a response back. When his phone dinged from the table a few minutes later, his heart started pounding.

He retrieved it warily, afraid of what Dean might have replied. He didn't really _want_ to know why Dean had done what he did. It was bad enough just knowing he had done it. He was surprised, however, to see the text was actually from Sam.

**What the hell happened Cas? I thought you cared about my brother?**

Cas debated what to say. He liked Sam. A lot. He hated that their friendship would have to suffer as a result of his breakup with Dean. Especially with what Sam was going through right now himself.

**Sam, I'm sorry about Gabe. But this really doesn't concern you.**

The response was almost immediate and a second text came quickly after.

**Are you FUCKING kidding me?**

**You and I are supposed to be friends, Cas. You dump my brother and you say it doesn't concern me?**

Since Sam rarely swore, that he did so now was a testament to how angry he was. Cas knew Sam had a point. He considered the "you're too young to understand" argument, but it didn't really apply. Not to Sam and not to the situation.

**Sam...you're right. I'm sorry. I told Dean something in confidence. Something very private.**

Cas hesitated then added: **He told Benny.**

It took a few moments for a response this time. Several texts came in rapid succession.

**What? No Cas I don't believe it**

**Dean wouldn't do that. Loyalty is basically the most important thing to him.**

**What made you think he did that?**

Cas typed out his response, not thinking too closely about what Sam had said. He hadn't misunderstood what Benny said. And how else could he have known? No, Dean had done it, Cas was sure. Although, now that the pills had worn off, he felt less so. He couldn't dwell on it.

**Because Benny came up to me today and mentioned the thing I told Dean. Dean is the only person I ever told.**

Sam's response was quick.

**Do other people know? Besides you and Dean?**

For the first time, real doubt crept into Castiel's mind. Other people did know. His brothers and Meg knew. But it was obvious Meg hadn't told him. And his brothers...why would they have told him?

Dean was Benny's friend, he was the most likely candidate. Still, Benny did play football with his brothers. Could it have come up?

**Cas? They do. Don't they?**

Cas sighed and typed back.

**Yes Sam. Other people know.**

He felt ill. Had he just ruined the best thing that ever happened to him based on a misunderstanding?

**You didn't even tell him why, did you?**

Before Cas could answer, Sam was asking another question.

**How many pills did you have before you decided? I know you’ve been taking too many lately.**

Cas didn’t know what to say. Sam was only 12 years old, but he saw more than most adults.

**I didn’t.  I had 2 pills this afternoon.**

**Actually 3.**

After a moment, Cas conceded:

**It was too many.**

Cas tried to think back to the last time he had actually taken them for physical pain. He admitted it had been a while. He’d started taking them whenever he felt like it. The fact that the doctor had changed his prescription to a higher dosage pill the previous week hadn’t done him any favors, either. He waited to see if Sam would respond, but he didn’t.

Then he thought about the situation he was in. Had Dean really betrayed him? Or had his brothers? Truthfully, Cas knew the more likely answer. His mind had been handicapped by the pills. He hadn’t even given Dean a chance to deny it. He had just taken what he’d believed and run with it, letting fear and the pills do his thinking. The longer he thought about it, the more he thought he had screwed up. And the worse he felt. He realized that more than anything, he wanted to take it back. He didn’t know if he could take it back or not.

Given Dean’s reaction, he just might let Cas say he’d made a mistake, that it was the pills. That made Cas think about Dean’s father. How many times had he apologized for a mistake made because he’d been under the influence of something? Cas would not be the new addict in Dean’s life. As much as he wanted Dean back, he would not let himself become that. He had to get rid of the pills before he asked for another chance.

Of course, every day that passed risked Dean’s pain hardening into anger that couldn’t be overcome. And hadn’t this whole mess started because Cas hadn’t just talked to Dean about what was happening? If he had been honest, Dean could have denied the accusation, could have explained. So Cas vowed that he was going to do things differently this time.

The next text he wrote was to Dean. It took him 20 minutes to get it all typed out the way he wanted, even though it wasn’t that long when he was done. He kept adding and erasing things he wanted Dean to know. In the end, he tried to put the bare minimum of information that might actually convince Dean to call him. When he was done, he held his finger over the send button for a long moment before he chose the option to save to drafts instead.

**Dean, I screwed up. I assume you’ve read my last message and have figured out why I broke up with you. Sam has convinced me I probably jumped to the wrong conclusion. If I had been thinking clearly, my own head and heart would have told me before I made the mistake. Truth is, I’ve been taking a lot of pills lately and...well, we need to talk. Even if you don’t forgive me, please let me talk to you about this. I know I don’t deserve it. I know I didn't give you the chance to talk to me. But please just let me explain what happened and what I intend to do. Even if you don’t want to speak to me after.**

Cas threw his pills away and called to make an appointment with his therapist. He expected voicemail, but her voice came on the line after the third ring. He told her he needed an appointment. He explained that he thought he was maybe addicted to his pain pills. She asked some questions about what kind of pills and how often he was taking them and a few other things, like how he felt when he wasn’t able to take one and how long he had been overtaking them. She advised him that it was likely he did have the early stages of addiction.

“Do you still have the pills?” He told her he had tossed them before calling her. “Don’t just throw them away, flush them so you can’t get them out of the trash. When you start feeling like you need one, get yourself something sweet to eat. Buy some candy or even just desserts. It will help with the cravings. I can’t see you right now, but I can fit you in tomorrow afternoon, will that be all right? Can you get a ride?”

He assured her he had a car now and could drive himself easily. When he hung up with her, he saw he had missed a text from Sam.

**Tell him, Cas. Fix this.**

He sent Sam a text and then hit send on his draft to Dean.

**I did, Sam. I asked him to call me.**

Then he called and ordered a small pizza, a couple of 2 liters of sugary soda and three desserts. He figured he might need them all before tomorrow.

* * *

 

The ride from Gabe’s to the restaurant was somber. No one spoke much. Sam and Gabe sat in the back, clinging to each other like... _Well_ , Dean thought. _Like two kids who love each other and have to say goodbye in two days._

Dean was hurting for Sam, he was hurting for Gabe, and he was hurting for himself. Not just because of Cas, either. He liked Gabe. He’d enjoyed having a little buddy besides Sam to bond with. Who was gonna go gaga over his pies now? Whose food was he gonna squeeze maple syrup on a few times a week?

Dean felt himself choking up and he did his best to swallow it down. When they got to the restaurant it was even more obvious how sad Sam and Gabe were. Sammy didn’t even get excited by the host of available vegetables and Gabe just said he wanted a small plate of fries, even though there were about 20 different entrees with sweet gooey sauces on them.

“All right, come on, guys,” Dean said, hearing Gabe’s sad-voiced request. “Look, I know you’re both bummed out. I’m bummed out, too, believe me. But if this is gonna be the last weekend you’re gonna get to spend with each other for who knows how long, at least make the most of it. Do all the things you love to do. Like eating vegetables and sweets. _Enjoy_ the time you’ve got, ok? I mean, Sam, they have brussel sprouts. And Gabe, they have 6 kinds of pie.”

Sam and Gabe looked at each other and nodded.

“You’re right, Dean. We should try to have a good time tonight. Can I have 3 vegetables instead of just 2?” Sam’s smile was weak, but it was there.

“Can I get two desserts to go with my...sweet teriyaki chicken?” Gabe’s smirk wasn’t at full strength, but he was clearly making an effort.

“You can both have whatever you want. What you don’t eat, we’ll take home and eat tomorrow.”

After that, dinner was better. The boys did their best to joke around like they always did. Sometimes it was forced, but usually, it led to something real and Dean felt less like there was a pall hanging over the three of them. Gabe even dug into his desserts with real enthusiasm and Sammy liked his veggies almost as much.

Despite his pep talk, however, Dean found himself having to force down his own food. He felt like he might choke on the lump in his throat. But he smiled and joked and laughed along with Sam and Gabe like his heart wasn’t in a thousand burning pieces. They were losing something neither of them wanted to give up and neither had gotten a say. In Gabe’s case, he would have no one except his mom - and she was hardly going to be on his list of favorite people right now.

The boys went to use the bathroom and Dean finally turned his phone back on. When he saw he had two messages from Cas, his heart started pounding. His fingers were shaking with adrenaline as he pressed the keys to open the first one.

**You betray me to Benny, tell him about April, and you’re gonna lecture me about DEVASTATION?! FUCK YOU DEAN!!**

Dean was too confused and hurt to be angry at first. What the hell was Cas talking about? He had barely spoken to Benny in the past few weeks. He wouldn’t even tell _Sam_ about April, let alone Benny. He had never considered telling anyone else. He didn’t do that. He considered responding to that text before reading the other one, but he needed too badly to know what it said. Dean’s brain seemed to skim it for the relevant parts.

**I screwed up...Sam has convinced me I probably jumped to the wrong conclusion...I’ve been taking a lot of pills lately...we need to talk. Even if you don’t forgive me, please let me talk to you...please just let me explain...Even if you don’t want to speak to me after.**

Dean felt like his whole body was shaking apart. He wasn’t sure what the best course of action was. He just knew that his entire being was screaming at him to talk to Cas. To find out how this colossal fuck up happened and see if they could fix it. All he wanted in the world was to fix it. He wondered if maybe he should be angry. He knew ordinarily he would have been. If it were anyone else, he’d be furious and unwilling to listen to anything until he had calmed down.

But this wasn’t anyone. This was Cas. This was the guy who had heard Dean say, “I nearly killed you with my car,” and just said, “Yeah, you didn’t mean to, it’s ok.” How could Dean give Cas anything less, especially when Dean wanted him back so badly?

As Sam and Gabe sat back down, Dean typed a quick message with stumbling thumbs. It was only a few words, but he had to retype it three times.

**When? In KC rn**

He set the phone back on the table and stared at it, willing it to buzz.

“Dean? You ok?” Sam asked.

“Cas texted me. You, uh, you talked to him?”

Sam ducked his head, afraid Dean might be angry. “Yeah. I wanted to know what was going on, so I texted him.”

Dean nodded, lips pursed. “Ok, Sam. It’s...I can’t really tell you that you shouldn’t have gotten involved, since he’s your friend, too.” He drank the last half of his water down in one go. “He says he wants to talk.”

Gabe looked confused. “What’s going on?”

Sam looked startled. “Oh. I guess I forgot to tell you.” He shot Dean a look and Dean gave a short nod. He certainly didn’t wanna have to be the one to say it out loud again. “Cas broke up with Dean this afternoon.”

Gabe looked stunned. “Man...I can’t believe that.” He scratched his nose and looked uncomfortable. “I’m really sorry, Dean-O. That’s rough.”

Dean gave him a half-smile. “Thanks, kiddo. I’m gonna hit the head. Sam, if the waitress comes by, get the check?” He deliberately left his phone on the table, so he’d stop looking at it, and walked to the restrooms. He went numb as he walked through the throngs of seated patrons. When he got into the empty bathroom, though, everything threatened to overwhelm him.

He tamped it down, walking over to the urinal and relieving himself. When he was done he washed his hands and splashed water on his face. He couldn’t look at himself in the mirror. He dabbed at his wet face with paper towels and walked back out, letting the numbness engulf him again for the walk back to the table.

The waitress was just dropping off the check as he got back. He handed her his card and she was off. The boys were done with their desserts and Dean tried another bite of his. It tasted better now that he was going to talk to Cas, but not much. He dropped his napkin in his plate and pushed it away. No one had gotten anything to go, after all. Gabe said again the restaurant’s pie was no match for Dean’s and Dean decided as they sat there that he would make Gabe a going away pie.

“Your phone buzzed while you were gone,” Sam told him.

Dean snatched his phone from the table so fast he almost dropped it. He fumbled it against his stomach for a moment before he was able to turn it on and see that he had two texts from Cas.

**When will you be back?**

**Can I come over then?**

Dean thought for a moment. He knew how long it would take them to get home, but he had half decided to go to the grocery store when they got back so he could make Gabe’s pie tonight while the boys were asleep. He figured he’d make another the next day for them to split, but Gabe’s would be a surprise for Sunday when he left.

 _When he left_. Shit. Dean was hit again with how fucked up the situation was. Sam was gonna be inconsolable. He felt dread worm its way back into his spine, setting up camp for a long winter.

**You mind going to the grocery store with me? Wanna bake Gabe a pie as a surprise.**

Dean didn’t have to wait this time.

**I don’t mind.**

**...that’s a nice gesture. I know Gabby will appreciate it.**

Dean texted back a time for Cas to arrive. It was easy enough for him to find a way to bring up pies on the way home, since the boys were quiet again now that they didn’t have food to distract them. He talked to Gabe at length about his favorites to find out which one he liked the best.

“Well, I don’t know if you’ve ever had it, but my mom took me to this place once where they had fudge pie with fresh strawberries and whipped cream. It was the best thing I ever tasted.”

Dean hoped he wasn’t drooling on Baby’s interior.

“That sounds amazing.” Dean quickly worked out an ingredients list in his head. He hadn’t made a ton of fudge pies, but he’d made a few. Fresh strawberries and homemade whipped cream would set it off perfectly. He’d have to wait on the latter two until the last minute, though, to keep them fresh. Then he realized he could freeze it and Gabe could take it with him more easily.

When they passed Louisburg on their way south on 69, Dean asked Sam to call Cas and find out how close he was, since they were making better time than expected. Sam was told Cas was already waiting in the driveway. Dean’s heart suddenly sped up by 1000 beats per minute and it was really hard to breathe. After he hung up, he told Sam that he was going for a drive with Cas when they got home.

Dean didn’t mention the store, but he did ask if they needed him to pick up anything. They didn’t. He quietly parked the car when they pulled up next to Cas. He hadn’t looked at Cas yet. He just handed his keys to Sammy and walked around to the passenger side of Cas’ car. He’d never ridden with Cas aside from their driving lessons, but he didn’t trust himself to drive while they talked.

Both Sam and Gabe walked to Cas’ window to say hello. Gabe asked for a hug, since he didn’t know when he might see Cas again. Sam got one, too, but he didn’t give a reason and no one asked. Dean was still glad Sammy and Cas were friends, even if he and Cas couldn’t work this out. As the boys walked toward the house, he wished he hadn’t acknowledged that was a possibility, because now the idea was lodged in his throat, threatening to choke his breath out.

Cas didn’t move until he had watched the boys get safely inside, with the door closed behind them. Dean didn’t want to acknowledge how cool that was, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t know if Cas was going to talk, or if he was waiting for Dean to say something, but Dean still hadn’t even looked at him. It had only been a few hours, and the anger on Cas’ face when he had walked away was still too fresh in Dean’s mind. He didn’t want to know what Cas looked like right now.

The car started rolling backwards, but then Cas tapped the brakes. “Can’t you even look at me, Dean?”

Dean’s breath caught and he gave a small shake of his head, realizing just how close he was to tears, just from sitting this close and knowing they weren’t together anymore. It ached even more than he’d expected. He’d barely gotten his head around it and now they were supposed to just talk? How could he have thought this was a good idea?

Cas sighed and started rolling backwards again. “I understand, Dean. I know what I did was…” He sighed again, sounding defeated. “Let me just start at the beginning.” He took a deep breath and let it out and then said, “I’ve been taking too many pills, Dean. Let me start with that. Sam said he’d noticed, so maybe you already knew that?”

Out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw Cas’ head swing toward him, but he didn’t look. He just nodded.

“Well. I had taken 3 this afternoon, by the time we got to my house. That’s not...it isn’t an excuse, Dean. I just want you to know that I wasn’t entirely myself. You saw that, I know. You said as much…” Cas was quiet for a moment and Dean finally risked a quick look. The guy didn’t look angry anymore. He just looked...miserable.

“Why, Cas?” Dean finally broke his silence to ask, his voice broken and needy to his own ears. He elaborated, “How could you think I’d do that to you? I - ” He hesitated, but only for a moment. “I love you, Cas,” he whispered. “I’d never do that to you. I haven’t even spoken to Benny in weeks, except in the hallway to say hello.”

Cas took a shuddering breath and started to explain. “I saw Meg this afternoon right before last period. She just spoke to me out of the blue and asked how I was. It messed with me. I’m not proud of it, but...that’s why I took the second pill. I was already loopy and then after my next class, Benny was waiting for me.” Cas sounded like he was trying not to cry now and Dean snuck another look, confirming that was the case.

“He said...he said he saw Meg talking to me and asked me what I was doing talking to her, after everything that happened with April.” Cas said nothing as he allowed his words to sink in.

“What? Cas, I swear, I never told him anything about that. I didn’t even tell Sammy, why would…” Dean took a deep calming breath. “Did he say anything else?”

“No. I pretended not to know what he meant and I walked out to your car. I immediately assumed it had to be you, since you were the only one I told, even though...even though I should’ve realized all my brothers knew and they were all playing football together.”

Dean ran a hand through his hair and looked out the window, trying to process it all. “Shit, Cas,” he said finally. “Why didn’t you just talk to me? Ask me? You can’t just jump to conclusions like that, man. After everything, you really think that…” He couldn’t even finish. He was so hurt by Cas’ lack of faith in him. Once again it was he who was fighting not to cry.

“No, Dean. I don’t. Not now. I was high and I was stupid and scared and confused.” He made a frustrated noise as he turned into the grocery store parking lot. “I should’ve talked to you. You’re right. I was unbelievably stupid and I know I hurt you. I am so sorry. I...I talked to my therapist about the drugs. I’ve got an appointment tomorrow afternoon.”

Dean reached for the door handle and then paused. “I notice you haven’t asked me to take you back, Cas. Or asked me to forgive you.”

“Would you do either, even if I had asked?” Cas was staring down at his lap.

Dean wasn’t quite ready to give in yet. “I think you’d have to ask me and see, Cas.”

“Do you think...do you think that you could forgive me?” If Cas hiccuped on the last few words, Dean pretended not to notice.

“Of course I can forgive you, Cas. I wouldn’t be sitting here with you if I couldn't.” He touched Cas shoulder to get him to make eye contact. “I wouldn’t be sitting here if I didn’t want to take you back, either,” he added, with a pointed look.

Cas shook his head. “I can’t ask you to take me back, Dean. Not until I’ve got the pills out of my system and gone through whatever kind of rehab my therapist recommends.”

“So, what, you think you’re just gonna go through all that by yourself?” Dean felt a little anger start to surface at the idea of Cas choosing isolation when he didn’t have to.

“Dean, why would you want to be there for me? After what I did? How can you even think about forgiving me?”

Dean turned angrily in his seat, to fully face the driver’s side. “Cas, you're not stupid. You know how I feel about you. Do you remember how you reacted when I told you _I’d hit you with my fucking car_? Did you tell me to go fuck myself? No. You said you understood why I lied. You forgave me without even thinking about it.” He raised his hands for emphasis. “That was before we even fell in love with each other. Now I’m in love with you, and you really think I am just gonna throw all this away because I’m pissed at you? Is that how little you think of me?”

Cas’ words were hardly more than a squeak. “But I didn’t trust you. I said hateful things to you.”

Dean’s anger melted away in an instant and he turned Cas’ chin toward him, eyes full of tenderness. His voice was a caress as he asked, “Baby, when has anyone ever given you a reason to trust them before? As far as I can tell, you’ve never had anyone in your life you could believe in or trust, ever. I’m different from all of them, but I understand why you wouldn’t be able to see that.”

Castiel’s lower lip quivered and then tears began to fall. Dean drew him into his arms and held him while he cried it out. He would’ve kissed him, but he saw that there were a lot of people close by and he didn’t think it was a good idea to risk it, especially after what had happened with Zach. He pulled away, anxious to get his shopping done and get back to the house so he could have what he wanted.

“You ok now? Do you wanna stay in the car or come inside with me?”

“I’ll go in. Do I look like shit?”

Dean wiped Cas’ eyes with his thumbs. “No, you look fine. Ready?”

They made quick work of the shopping, in spite of Cas’ bad leg, since Dean insisted he use a motorized cart. They didn’t talk much, except for grocery-related exchanges. They didn’t talk on the way home, either, or while they were putting away the groceries. The boys were watching a movie and barely looked up when they came in.

When all the bags were inside, Cas looked uncomfortable and said, “I guess I should be going.”

Before he could move to leave, Dean pressed Cas back against the refrigerator and kissed him like he’d been in the desert and Cas was water.

“Stay with me tonight, Cas. Please.” It was a hoarse whisper, mouthed against Cas’ parted lips. “If you really think we should be apart until you’re...clean or whatever, ok, but I don’t wanna lose you. And tonight, I need you. Please stay.”

Cas nodded and earned himself another kiss. Dean decided he really didn’t need to bake the pie until the next day. He was exhausted. All he wanted was to curl up with Cas and hold on till he slept. He asked Cas if he wanted that, too. Castiel said he shouldn’t be tired because he’d had a nap, but that he actually was. So they decided it was time for bed.

Cas said his goodnights to Sam and Gabe and went upstairs. Dean told the boys that they could both sleep in Sam’s room, as long as they left the door open. Then he hugged them both and kissed each one on top of his head. He expected at least token protests about the kisses, but none came. Both boys had hugged back fiercely, so he supposed it wasn’t that surprising.

They brushed their teeth, but neither of them bothered with a shower. The likelihood of sex happening was low, but if it did, they could stick to using their hands. They each dressed for bed in a pair of Dean’s sweat pants and no shirt. Dean had let Cas brush his teeth first, so he was already in bed by the time Dean was finished.

As soon as Dean sat down and got ready to swing his feet up and under the covers, Cas said, “I love you, Dean. I’m sorry I didn’t say it back earlier, there was just too much happening.” He dropped his eyes and when he looked back up, he was sad. “I’m sorry I stopped you saying it this afternoon, too. I just...I couldn’t bear to hear it then, you know?”

Dean made shushing noises and dragged Cas into his arms. He stroked his hands up and down the brunet’s back and kissed his forehead. After a few moments of this, he tilted Cas’ chin up with his hand and kissed him gently. The kiss lasted for a long time before either was willing or able to break it and pull away for air.

“Cas?” Dean said, leaning back far enough to make eye contact. “I don’t want to stay broken up. Sam and Gabe, they don’t get a choice right now. They don’t get to choose whether to be together. They’re being forced apart.” He started to tear up, but he kept going. “But we have a choice, Cas. We don’t _have_ to be apart. And I don’t want to be. Do you?”

Cas looked like he might cry again. “I don’t want to be, but...Dean, you’ve told me what life with your dad’s been like. All the things he did to you because he couldn’t stop drinking, all the ways he hurt you. I don’t want to be the new addict in your life.”

“Cas,” Dean said, his voice dangerously low. “I’m only gonna ever say this once, so listen up. You are not, nor ever could you be, anything like my dad when he’s drinking.” His voice got softer as he talked. “You’re decent and kind and smart and so good to Sam...and good to me.” He grabbed Cas’ chin. “Quitting might be tough. You don’t have to go through this thing alone and I don’t want you to.”

Cas stared at him for a long time before kissing him again, softly. “Ok, Dean,” he said in a watery voice. “Let’s get back together. You’re right. I don’t want to be without you, either and...I don’t want to do this alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this fic has a happy ending, not everything is resolved before the end, hence the sequel. We've only 4 more chapters to go, lovely readers ~~that I hope are still speaking to me~~ , but there's still lots of story left. I promise good things are coming for ~~almost~~ everyone. ♥ My offer of a hug still stands for whoever needs.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very sad Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If my Beta's constant litany of "I hate you"'s is any indication, this is another very painful chapter. I'm sorry. It all gets better before this verse is done, I promise.
> 
> **Trigger warnings: Addiction**

Sam felt numb as he brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. He couldn’t wrap his head around Gabe leaving in two days. Gabe had made him promise to try to stay awake all night tonight, so he’d made them coffee after Dean had gone to bed. He climbed into bed as he waited for Gabe to finish getting ready.

He didn’t really think the coffee was that necessary. He didn’t feel like he could sleep, anyway. The numbness was starting to fade and he was torn now between a little thrill that he got to hold Gabe next to him all night - and the heartbreak that he’d only get a chance to do it twice before Gabe went away for who knew how long. He didn’t know if he’d be allowed to visit Gabe once they moved. They would be 5-6 hours away by car, so it would be a tough trip.

Then Gabe was there and climbing into bed next to him and his heart forgot for a while that this was something that he didn’t get to keep. It started pounding at triple speed and his lungs no longer seemed capable of taking in air. Gabe slid up next to him and pressed their mouths together. He didn’t deepen the kiss. Instead he just wrapped his arms around Sam and held on as tight as he could, lips still pressed firmly against Sam’s.

They lay like that for a very long time. Eventually, they pulled their lips apart and just stared at each other. Neither of them seemed to want to speak. Sam didn’t trust his voice not to break and he didn’t want to make this move any harder on Gabe than it already was. He wasn’t sure what to do to help. Did Gabe need to be told that he’d make new friends? Or that his current boyfriend would be lost without him?

One thing was for sure. It certainly didn’t feel like Christmas. They hadn’t even talked about when they were going to exchange gifts. Not that they had a lot of options now. It would either be Saturday or Sunday. After that, Gabe would be gone. Thinking that, the flood gates inside Sam broke and his body shook with a sob he couldn’t hold back.

“Promise me you won’t start cutting again, Gabe, please,” Sam begged when he could force his voice to work. “I don’t want you to go. I’m gonna miss you so much. And if you start that again...you could be gone forever and I just...I couldn’t deal with that.”

Gabe was crying, too, now, though more softly. “I won’t.” He brushed his fingertips over Sam’s lips and blinked more tears into the pillow. “I love you, Sam-O. You’re the best friend I ever had. I hate this so much,” he whispered against his hand.

“I love you, too, Gabe. And you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, too. You’ll write me, right? And we’ll call and video chat and...all of that?”

“Of course we will, Sam-O. I can’t lose you just coz I”m far away. Sucks I won’t get to kiss you, though. Or hug you.”

That started them both on a fresh wave of crying. Then they seemed to decide by unspoken mutual agreement that it was important to get in all the hugs and kisses they could right now. Sam kissed Gabe all over his face, not wanting to leave a single spot unkissed. Gabe was grinning by the end of that, his face ticklish, but Sam just kissed his grin. Then Gabe did it back and Sam saw how it felt and he ended up grinning, too.

Then they shared a real kiss for the first time since they’d gotten the news. It wasn’t sad or chaste or anything except a loving kiss between two people who needed to express that in a physical way. Sam thought he would never stop kissing Gabe, if he were given the choice. He’d do it until he fell asleep, then wake up and do it some more.

Sam finally pulled back and pressed his forehead to Gabe’s. “Promise you won’t forget me, Gabe.”

“Never, Sam-O. No way.”

* * *

 

After therapy, Castiel drove straight over to Dean’s house. They hadn’t talked about it before hand. He didn’t call him to see if it was ok. He just needed Dean and he went. When he pulled into the drive, he considered texting, but he decided he needed to see Dean’s initial reaction. Dean said he forgave him, but Castiel needed to _know_.

He knocked and Dean opened the door while talking over his shoulder to Sam, so Cas got to see the exact moment when Dean realized who was standing there. Dean was shocked, but very pleased and something inside Castiel relaxed. He beamed up at him.

“Are you going to let me in?” Castiel asked with a half smile, his head tilted slightly to one side.

“Nope,” Dean said, gathering him into a tight hug. “I’m gonna _drag_ you in,” Dean corrected, as he did just that.

The boys were sitting on the couch and Castiel waved at them. Their return smiles and waves were not full wattage, but Castiel understood.

“So, I’m making pie, you wanna come in the kitchen and watch or help or whatever?”

“That sounds good.”

They made their way into the kitchen. Castiel followed behind and admired the perfect swell of Dean’s ass and the beautiful way his bowlegs moved when he walked. The muscles that were rippling under his t-shirt were no disappointment, either. Castiel felt an overwhelming desire to grab and kiss him. When Dean turned around to face him, he did just that.

Cas had clearly caught Dean by surprise, given the wide-eyed, open-mouthed look of confused wonder on his face when they pulled apart. Cas kissed him again to make sure his point was made.

“I love you, Winchester,” he told Dean in a rough, low voice.

Confusion softened to tenderness in Dean’s eyes. “Love you, too, Cas,” Dean said, tucking a piece of Castiel’s hair behind his ear.

“All right, let’s make pie, Dean.”

Dean looked surprised again. “What’s your hurry, man?”

Castiel stepped close and whispered, “The sooner we do that, the sooner I can get you to the bedroom, right?”

Dean didn’t ask any further questions, he just grinned and dipped in to take one more loud, sucking kiss. “Ok, let’s see, if you can measure all these ingredients into that pan, I will start on the pie crusts.” He pointed Castiel to the open recipe and the gathered ingredients. There were measuring cups and spoons laid out, too.

Castiel dutifully measured and poured, according to the directions. When he was done with that, Dean asked him to cut up strawberries while Dean poured cream and sugar into a  bowl with vanilla and some sort of white powder Castiel didn’t recognize. Dean set the bowl in the fridge to chill and turned the heat on under the pan Castiel had filled.

When the pie filling was poured and the whole thing was set to bake, Dean set the timer for an hour, then grabbed Castiel by the hand and drug him toward the stairs. “Up,” he told Cas, pointing. Then Castiel heard him walk back into the living room and check to see if the boys needed anything. “Cas and I need to talk, so give us some privacy, ok?”

Castiel didn’t know if Sam and Gabe believed the excuse, but he didn’t care, either, as long as they stayed downstairs. Well, he supposed they really did need to talk, but he had other ideas in mind, too. Ideas the younger boys did not need to know anything about.

He went to Dean’s room and climbed on the bed. He thought about removing his shirt and jeans, but decided he had better do the talking first and then move on to his other ideas. Otherwise, he might forget some of the things the therapist had said and he wanted to remember to tell Dean.

“Heya, Cas,” Dean said as he finally came through the door.

“Hello, Dean.” He smiled broadly. “Is it ok if I tell you about therapy first, before I tear your clothes off and have my way with you?”

Dean leaned back as he laughed, causing Castiel to realize for the first time that a guffaw was a real thing. “Cas, we can do things in whatever order you want. Just as long as we do everything you just said,” he added with a grin.

“Ok, so the good news is, my therapist thinks, based on my lack of withdrawal symptoms, that I’m not physically addicted to the pills. That’s a really good thing. She does think, though, that I’ve become mentally and emotionally dependent on them and she has suggested that I start coming to see her again, once a week.”

“That’s really great news, Cas. I think that’s something that will help you a lot.”

“It doesn’t bother you that I’m in therapy? You know I’ll be talking to her about you sometimes.”

Dean looked contemplative for a moment, then nodded solemnly. “As long as you tell her what an awesome kisser I am.”

“Ugh, _Dean_ ,” Castiel groaned in exasperation, but he was smiling.

“Was there anything else you needed to tell me?” Dean asked in a low voice as he stepped up to where Castiel sat on the bed. “Anything else we need to talk about? Because otherwise,” he said as he leaned down to kiss Castiel’s neck. “I’d really like you to rip off my clothes and have your way with me,” he said, directly into Castiel’s ear.

Castiel turned his head and took Dean’s mouth in a hungry kiss. As his lips and tongue worked, his hands and fingers moved to get rid of Dean’s absurd amount of clothing. As he moved down the row of buttons, he pulled out of the kiss and moved his mouth downward, across Dean’s throat and the middle of his chest. He told Dean to take off his shoes and then he was removing Dean’s jeans.

Dean looked slightly vulnerable as he stood there before Castiel, clad only in a pair of dark green boxer briefs. Taking pity on him only after his eyes had drunk their fill, Castiel kissed him again, this time removing his own clothes as he did so. Every time Dean’s hands moved to touch, he swatted them away. Once he was fully undressed, he pressed Dean backward and had him lie down on his back on the bed.

For the next ten minutes, Castiel did nothing but worship Dean’s body with his mouth. He left no part untouched except Dean’s feet and the areas covered by his boxer briefs. The boxers were now distinctly raised in the middle where Dean’s erection struggled for freedom. As Castiel bent down close for another kiss, he finally touched Dean’s cock through the rough fabric, gently sliding his palm up and down over the thick shaft. Dean groaned into Castiel’s mouth at the contact.

Castiel was straddling Dean’s hips, but not touching him. Slowly, he slid his legs backwards slightly, until his briefs-bound cock was pressing against Dean’s. As he kissed Dean deeply and slid his fingers through the blond’s hair, Castiel began to roll his hips, thrusting his throbbing dick against Dean’s. They were pressed so tightly together that Castiel could feel Dean’s heartbeat and pulse in several parts of his own body. It was actually sometimes hard to tell Dean’s from his own.

He sucked and licked and kissed all over Dean’s neck and chest as they rolled together. He considered pulling back and using their hands, but he was enjoying this too much for the moment. He kept his thrusts slow and measured, not wanting either of them to lose control too fast. Finally, when he thought he was too close, he stopped the roll of his hips and drew his pelvis away.

Dean whined, but didn’t try to draw him back. Castiel rewarded him by sitting up and reaching down to remove Dean’s underwear. Dean lifted his ass off the bed to help him and then Castiel was tugging them down his long, bowed legs. Castiel made himself comfortable with his chest between Dean’s legs. Then he licked a long stripe from Dean’s balls up to the head of his dick. Dean’s head writhed against the pillow he’d grabbed to put behind him and he was biting his lip. Castiel grinned wickedly and did it again, this time taking the head into his mouth when he was finished.

“Ah, shit, Cas!” Dean whispered loudly in the quiet room. His words became incoherent grunts and whimpers as Castiel’s mouth took in more of his length and Castiel sucked his way back off again. Castiel worked up and down this way, hand stroking the base where his lips couldn’t quite reach. He worked, though, at overcoming his gag reflex and taking in as much as he could.

He felt Dean’s balls drawing up, getting higher and tighter, the skin wrinkling beneath his hands. He pulled off of Dean’s cock and licked over first one side of his balls and then the other. He suckled at each one slightly, pulling the skin up with his lips and earning pleased sounds from Dean. With his hand, he gently pressed them back down where they’d started to draw up and in. With his fingers and thumb, he held them in place as started to suck in earnest.

Castiel, conscious that the pie timer would be going off soon, finally stopped teasing and started doing his best to get Dean off. He worked Dean’s cock with his mouth and hand until Dean was gasping and moaning beneath him. Castiel sucked harder on the next upstroke and rubbed his palm against Dean’s balls. Dean’s hand came down to thread into Castiel’s hair. He didn’t tug or pull or try to direct Castiel at all. It was as if he just needed to hold on.

“So close, Cas, so...Ahhhh, _fuck_!” he cried out as Castiel swirled his tongue over the head and squeezing Dean’s balls gently. “I’m coming, I’m coming, fuck, _fuck_!” Castiel felt salty warmth hit the back of his tongue and he compulsively swallowed. He coaxed the last of Dean’s orgasm from him and then pulled off of his cock with a soft pop.

Castiel’s cock was rock hard now. Dean’s cries and sound, coupled with the taste and feel of him in Castiel’s mouth had driven Castiel’s arousal to fever pitch. He climbed up further onto the bed, freeing his cock through the flap in his briefs and started stroking himself as he looked down at Dean lying there. Face red and wrecked, sweat shining up his torso, his still wet - and partially hard - cock lying against his stomach.

Dean opened his eyes and saw him. He reached out with his hand and took over from Castiel’s fingers. His hand clutched at Castiel’s ass to pull him toward his mouth, but the extra contact was too much and Castiel came then, in hot spurts that fell all over Dean’s hand and chest.

Castiel collapsed sideways onto the bed, one leg still flung across both of Dean’s. He lay there eyes closed, unable at first to recognize the soft chuff of Dean’s laughter. He rolled his head, too tired to do much more than that. Dean’s eyes were closed and he was smiling, chest shaking occasionally with a new chuckle.

“What are you laughing at, Dean?”

“Nothing, Cas, it’s just…” His sentences were punctuated by little laughs. “You were so eager at the end, which was awesome, and that’s what got me started, but like…” He rolled toward Castiel, presumably so Cas would know he wasn’t being laughed at. “Then I was thinking about how you’ve never really taken control like that and I thought…” He reached out and took Castiel’s hand then. “I thought if that’s what breaking up and getting back together does for you, maybe we should try it once a week.”

At Castiel’s frown, Dean sobered almost instantly.

“I don’t think us breaking up is a joke, Cas. I just...I think mainly I’m just happy that today is not yesterday because yesterday just fucking sucked so bad. Yesterday, I could barely breathe it hurt so much. Yesterday, I thought I’d maybe never even get to kiss you again, and today you not only kissed me till I couldn’t see, you gave me the most amazing blowjob in the history of blowjobs, and I’m rambling and you can shut me up anytime.”

Castiel shut him up with another kiss. “I get it, Dean. You made a joke about it to try and put it behind us. I only frowned because I was thinking about the me taking control part. Because you know that’s new for me.” He smiled and stroked Dean’s cheek. “As soon as I saw you open the door and saw how happy you were to see me, everything about you was just sexy to me. I was just overwhelmed with the need to be close to you. As you said, yesterday was...well, it was really hard to breathe.”

Dean pulled Castiel in for a long hug, taking care not to press their chests together and make a bigger mess. They were shocked apart by pounding on the door.

“Dean, the pie timer went off! Should I turn off the oven?” Sam shouted through the door.

“Uh, yeah, turn it off and open the door. I’ll, uh, be right down.”

Castiel laughed out loud when he distinctly heard Sam mutter, “Talking, my ass,” as he walked away.

“Shit, uh, since you don’t have anything on you, do you mind throwing your clothes on long enough to grab me a wet rag from the bathroom?”

Cas did that and came back as quickly as he could. Dean offered him the shower and the use of his clothes, but Castiel said he would prefer to go home and get his bag.

“You don’t mind if I spend the night, right?”

Dean grinned. “You’d friggin’ better.”

* * *

 

Dean checked the pie as Castiel was leaving. It was perfect and he set to work on the second one. Once he had it in the oven, he went into the living room.

“You guys starting to get hungry? The pie has to cool before I can finish it.” Dean thought it showed just how upset Gabe was that he hadn’t even asked what kind of pie or shown any interest in the process.

Gabe looked at Sam then back to Dean and said with a shrug, “I could eat.”

“Yeah, I could probably eat something, Dean. Not anything too heavy, though, ok?”

As a matter of fact, Dean had come up with just the thing that both boys should like. Looking at the cut up strawberries had inspired him. He chopped up some pecans and then whisked together some brown sugar with some olive oil and balsamic vinegar. He added some caraway seeds and then set that aside. Next he chopped up some romaine hearts and tossed them with baby spinach leaves. He put some buttered bread into the toaster oven with a little Parmesan on top. Finally, he threw the nuts, some chopped strawberries, some blueberries, some goat cheese crumbles and some bacon bits into the bowl and tossed it around until it was thoroughly mixed. He drizzled the vinaigrette over and tossed it again.

He was just moving the salad bowl to the table when Cas came back. He let him in and then called the boys to eat. Gabe eyed the salad dubiously until he saw the berries. Then he looked at Dean with a quirked eyebrow and waited for an explanation.

“It’s a romaine and spinach salad with berries, nuts, cheese, bacon and a sweet vinaigrette.”

“I love you,” Gabe deadpanned.

Dean laughed and ruffled sandy hair. “You, too, kiddo.” He realized with a pang that he meant it. He was going to miss that little guy being around. He grabbed Gabe in a hug and kissed the top of his head, then did the same to Sam and to Cas. “And both of you, too.”

Everyone sat down to eat without commenting on Dean’s behavior, though they all knew it was out of character. These were unusual circumstances, though, so everyone excused his odd lapse. They all dug in, making pleased noises at the mix of flavors. Gabe was, of course, the loudest.

When they had all finished their salads, Dean declared the pie to be cool enough to finish. He put Sam on cleanup duty and made Cas whip the cream while he arranged strawberries, pressing some down into the fudge and arranging the others on top. Truth be told, it was still a little warmer than it probably should have been, but Dean just couldn’t wait to try the pie. When Cas was done with the cream, Dean carefully spread it on top of the berries and pie and then grabbed the pie cutter, having Sammy grab saucers and forks.

He cut everyone a generous slice and then put the pie back on the counter. When he got back to the table, Gabe was still just staring at his.

“I can’t believe you made my favorite pie. That’s...thanks, Dean.” He didn’t look up and Dean suspected he knew why.

“No problem, kiddo. Like I’d turn down the chance to make fudge pie? Please. Now shut up and eat before I take your piece.”

It had the desired effect and Gabe cut a large bite and slid it into his mouth. The look on his face was enough to confirm that Dean had done well, but he also moaned appreciatively. Dean just laughed, but when he took a bite himself, he made a similar noise.

“Oh, man,” he said around the pie he hadn’t yet swallowed. “That is good.”

They managed to eat the whole pie between the 4 of them. Dean still hadn’t told Gabe about the second pie. He went to the oven when the timer buzzed and turned the heat off. He left the oven door slightly cracked so it wouldn’t overcook. He was glad no one asked what he was still cooking.

When that was done, Dean asked if Gabe was ready to open his Christmas present from him yet or if he wanted to wait.

“Yes! Let’s do presents. Sam-O, you want yours now, too?”

As luck would have it, Castiel had kept his gifts for Sam, Dean, and Gabe all in the trunk of his car, so everyone was able to participate. Each of them got a little something that made them smile and something that made them feel loved. Dean gave Gabe a dessert cookbook and two large bottles of maple syrup. Cas had enlisted Sam’s help and created a professionally printed cover booklet with pictures of Mary WInchester for the CD of Dean’s mom singing.

Sam gave Gabe an arcade medallion, the kind that you pressed yourself in the machine, with whatever letters you wanted. It read “Sam-O & Gabe 4EVER.” It was the last present and Gabe had to leave the room after he opened it. Cas and Dean withdrew to the kitchen while Sam went after him.

The second pie was cool enough and they finished it up, then Dean put the plastic top on it and stuck it in the freezer. When that was done, he just walked over and threw his arms around Cas and held on. He didn’t want to say out loud how he was feeling, so he didn’t. He just held Cas and let himself be held back. Cas seemed to understand without the need for words.

Dean was hurting for Sam and Gabe and had no idea what to do. Tomorrow was going to be awful and he knew there was no getting around it. As soon as Gabe and Sam woke up, the knowledge that it was the last day would be on their minds. The realization that they’d have less than 12 hours left would weigh heavily on them. And there was nothing Dean could do to stop it.

“He’s gonna be so sad, Cas,” Dean finally whispered against Cas’ neck. “And there’s nothing I can do for him. I can’t make it better. This sucks.”

Cas just stroked his back and said, “He’ll be all right, Dean. They both will. It will take a while, but they will be all right."

* * *

 

Sam and Gabe stayed awake all night, alternately talking to, staring at or holding onto each other. Far too soon, Dean was knocking on the door frame to tell them breakfast was ready. Sam reached out and twirled a piece of Gabe’s hair between his fingers. Gabe slid his hand around Sam’s wrist and squeezed lightly until Sam stopped.

“Come on, Sam-O, let’s get up. We moped all night. Let’s have a kickass last day together, whaddya say?”

Seeing Gabe’s smirk firmly in place, Sam could not help but smile back and nod. They hopped out of bed and made their way downstairs.  A huge stack of blueberry pancakes sat in the center of the table, along with bottles of maple syrup, chocolate syrup, strawberry syrup, and a can of whipped cream. Gabe’s smirk became a grin and he plopped himself down at the table and started creating his masterwork stack of sugar-glazed cakes. Dean stopped him before he used all the whipped cream, but the pile of it rivaled his pancake stack for size.

He ate every bite, which both impressed and disgusted every other person at the table. Dean had also made eggs with a bunch of vegetables, which Sam and Cas ate most of, but Dean and Gabe both got a small helping, too. Gabe, naturally, coated his in strawberry syrup. Sam suspected that Dean only laughed because it kept him from gagging.

“So, what do you boys want to do today? I have an idea, but I don’t know if you’re up for it.” He took a long drink of milk as he waited for Sam and Gabe to respond.

Sam and Gabe shared a look and a nod, then Gabe spoke. “We wanna do something kickass today. Is your idea kickass?”

Dean grinned. “It is, actually. I called Bobby first thing this morning-”

“And you’re still alive?” Sam asked, incredulously.

“Bobby knows I don’t disturb his beauty sleep lightly, Sammy. Now stop interrupting.” Sam mimicked zipping his lips before Dean continued. “He’s friends with the guy who runs Hero Adventures.”

“The amusement park?” Gabe asked.

Dean nodded, sipping his milk again. “Yep. It’s technically closed for the season, but Bobby had mentioned to me a while back that if I ever wanted to go in the off season, he could get us in.”

Sam felt his mouth wanting to drop, but controlled himself. “Seriously? Dude, yes! Let’s go!” Gabe nodded vigorously in agreement.

In record time they were all dressed and out the door. Sam was surprised by the number of cars - at least two dozen - in the parking lot and mentioned it to Dean.

“They have a special families of the employees thing just before Christmas, so not only do you boys get to ride rides, but there’ll be cotton candy and crap like that, too.” Sam and Gabe both laughed when Dean waggled his eyebrows at “cotton candy”.

Sam threw himself at Dean in a big hug and Gabe followed suit. Laughing, Cas joined in as well and they stood there for a minute before awkwardly breaking apart. Dean cleared his throat and muttered, “Thank Bobby, not me,” and started heading for the gate.

It was, as Gabe had requested, a kickass day. They got to ride all the best rides, never once having to stand in line. In addition to cotton candy, there were corn dogs and funnel cakes and drinks made of nothing but sugar and food dye and fake flavorings. Sam got kissed at the top of the ferris wheel and he and Gabe got to hold hands most of the day. When it was time to call it a day, Dean got them all stupid souvenir t-shirts.

The good mood lasted until they got back to the house. Dean reluctantly reminded Gabe he needed to start packing up his stuff, then went to make another salad for dinner to help combat the junk food binge they’d all had. Sam followed Gabe up the stairs and solemnly helped him pack. It took longer than it had to, not only because they moved in no hurry, but because they kept stopping for kisses and hugs and a few tears.

Finally, they came back downstairs, Gabe’s bags in tow. They dropped them by the door and moved to the kitchen. They ate quietly, until Dean got up and walked to the freezer. He pulled out a covered pie pan and both Sam and Gabe looked at him in confusion.

“Cas and I made you one for the road,” Dean explained.

Gabe’s lip trembled for a second. Then he got up from his seat and launched himself at Dean, hugging him fiercely. Sam heard him mumble something into Dean’s neck, but he couldn’t make out what he said. Whatever it was, Dean’s eyes closed as if he was trying to fight back tears. He murmured a response that Sam also could not make out.

When dinner was over, Dean sent them into the living room to start saying their goodbyes, while he and Cas cleaned up the kitchen. Sam looked at the couch, but didn’t sit. Instead he just pulled Gabe in for a hug that turned into a kiss. They were both crying and neither wanted to say goodbye. They said nothing except exchanging tearful declarations of love. These were mostly breathed against lips and ears.

Finally they pulled apart and just sat down beside each other, holding hands and gazing at each other, saying everything they needed to with nothing but their eyes and fingers. They both startled when Andrea knocked on the door. Sam’s tears threatened to start afresh, but Gabe pulled him close and softly begged, “Please don’t cry again. I’ll never make it through this if you cry now.” So Sam held it in.

There were awkward goodbyes and then Gabe was heading toward the door. Before he reached it, he surprised them all by running back to Sam and grabbing him in a desperate kiss. Through his haze, Sam heard Andrea gasp and say she didn’t know, and heard the bright sharp anger in Dean’s voice as he replied, though he could not hear his actual words. He was too focused on the kiss to care. This might be their last kiss for a long time and Sam didn’t want it to end. Not yet. Not ever.

All too soon, however, they were being gently pulled apart, Dean’s hands on Sam’s shoulders and Andrea’s on Gabe’s.

“I love you, Sam,” Gabe said on a sob as he was dragged away.

“I love you, too, Gabe.” His own voice was a broken mess.

Then Gabe was out the door and gone, Andrea’s sympathetic look ignored by all as she closed the door behind them. Dean folded Sam into his arms and held him while he bawled his eyes out. Through his grief, he vaguely heard Cas tell Dean he was going to go. At first, he just kept crying, but then the words filtered through and Sam straightened up quickly and turned to Cas.

“No, Cas, please stay, ok? Stay with us tonight. You’re...you’re family now, too. Don’t go. I want you here.” He got up and pulled Cas into a hug, trying to make the last tremors of sobbing go away. His breath hitched as Cas’ hands stroked his back gently.

“I’ll stay, Sam. All right? I will stay.”

Dean wrapped an arm around each of them and kissed their heads. They stood there in the living room for a long time, just holding on.

* * *

 

That night, Dean and Cas just lay in bed and held each other. Sam had cried until he had no more tears left and fell asleep on Dean’s shoulder on the couch. Dean had carried him upstairs and put him to bed, heart feeling like it had been ripped out of his chest. Watching Sam in so much pain left him feeling almost as bad as when Cas had dumped him. Maybe worse. Because he could do things for himself. He couldn’t do much for Sam at all. Well, he could drive Sam out to visit Gabe sometime, maybe.

That idea perked him up. Maybe on spring break or when school was out for summer, he could drive Sam up to Illinois. Maybe even before that, for a weekend, although that would require some missed school. He also had to ok it with Andrea. He was still pissed at her, even though he knew she thought she had no other choice. Maybe she did and maybe she didn’t. They’d have protected her.

He sighed and Cas repeated his earlier reassurance. “They are both going to be ok, Dean. It’s going to hurt for a while, but they will both get through it. I promise.”

“I know, Cas, I know. I’m just so fucking tired of Sam having to get over things, you know? Like, he finally had a real friend, finally had someone in his life that wasn’t connected to me or Dad...it was good for him. And Gabe...that poor kid, man, he’s more than a little bit broken inside. He needs Sam, too.”

“What did Gabe say to you? In the kitchen?”

Dean’s voice broke as he remembered the moment and repeated it. “He said, ‘Take care of Sammy.’”

“Dean,” Cas said sympathetically, cupping his face. He stroked his cheek for a moment before he asked, “What did you say to that?”

“I told him I would and that he needed to take care of himself. And to call us if he needed anything.”

Even wrapped up in Cas, it took Dean a really long time to get to sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hugs are still available. ♥


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get through Christmas, but Andrea isn't the only family member who causes problems and tries to tear the boys apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this is the last painful chapter for this fic. 
> 
> **Trigger warnings: Violence, major character injury, homophobic slurs, discussion of alcoholism**

The next morning, Cas left right after breakfast. Cas had to be home with the Angeles clan because they were having their family Christmas a day early since they had other plans for the actual day. Sam was barely speaking, but he managed to hug Cas and wish him a Merry Christmas before he left.

Dean still hadn’t gotten an answer from Sam about whether or not they were going to go see their father for Christmas. Dean had gotten him a small gift, just in case, but he wasn’t going if Sammy wasn’t.  John was due to call tonight to find out. Dean hoped he’d have an answer by then to give him.

Dean wasn’t sure if he could deal with all the silence from Sam. As bad as Dean was with talking, he thought he might feel better about Sam if he would just say something, talk about it. Hell, even if Sam cried again, it would be better than this blankness he was giving off. Kid was depressed, and with good reason, but it wasn’t healthy. This wasn’t the way he was going to get through Gabe being gone.

“Hey, kiddo, how about we head out to La Cygnes for the day?”

“You wanna go to the lake?” Sam didn’t sound enthused, but it was the most words he’d put together at once all day, so Dean wasn’t complaining.

“Yeah, why not? Get us out of the house, and I can pack us a picnic. I mean, it’s cold, but we can bundle up and if we’re walking around, we’ll stay warm. Whaddya say?”

Sam nodded. “Ok. Need help with the food?”

So Dean enlisted Sam’s help to make sandwiches and potato salad and coleslaw. Sam was starting to come out of himself a little, right up until it came time to pack a dessert. Then he got a haunted look in his eyes and asked Dean if they could skip dessert completely. Dean readily agreed - anything to get that look off Sam’s face.

It seemed like maybe thinking about sweets had broken through the dam of depression that Sam had built up over night, though. Once they were in the car, he asked how far down the road Dean thought Gabe and Andrea might be. “You think he’s cut into his pie yet?” Sam asked with a bittersweet smile.

Dean huffed a laugh. “He probably insisted on having it for breakfast.”

Sam’s smile was a little brighter at that. “Yeah. He probably did.”

They were quiet for a while after that, letting Dean’s music fill the silence. They were almost to the lake before Sam spoke again. He was practically whispering when he did, but it startled Dean anyway, since he was lost in his own thoughts.

“It’s not puppy love or whatever you might think, Dean.”

Dean shot him an incredulous look. “Hey, Sam, come on. This is me. I know you. You don’t have to tell me.” He chewed his lip. “Look, I know I call you Sammy and kiddo and all that - coz you’re my little brother and it bugs you and it’s fun. But we both know that sometimes you’re more grown up than I am. If you say you love him, I take you at your word, man. Ok?”

That seemed to make Sam feel better. After another minute of silence, he asked, “So does that mean that it’s ok if I talk about him whenever? Like you’re not gonna tell me to get over it or anything?”

“You can talk about Gabe anytime you want. If I feel like you’re hanging onto this for an unhealthy amount of time, then we will talk about it, but at no point will you ever hear me say “Get over it”, all right?”

For the next few minutes, Sam just talked about Gabe and all the reasons why he was going to miss him so much. Dean felt like it helped Sam to be able to say all these things, so he let him talk. If he had felt like Sam was making it harder on himself, he would have stopped him, but Sam’s mood actually seemed to lift with the telling.

Sam stopped talking when they pulled into the parking lot. When Dean turned off the car, he said, “I was pretty lucky to find a friend like him, huh? Much less a boyfriend?”

Dean nodded without hesitation. “Yeah, Sam. Gabe’s a good guy. I’m gonna miss him, too.” He told Sam what he and Gabe had said to each other in the kitchen. There were tears in Sam’s eyes when he was done, but they were paired with a big smile, so Dean figured he had done the right thing by letting him know.

“Thanks for that, Dean.”

“You know, why don’t you call him while I go get our passes?”

“Yeah? You think I should?”

“I think he’d like to hear from you. That’s gotta be a pretty miserable drive, as angry and sad as he is, and they’re only probably halfway through it. It’ll probably cheer him up.”

“Yeah,” Sam said, smiling and nodding. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Dean.”

Dean went in and took care of securing their passes and bought a silly souvenir while he was at it. When he got back to the car, Sam was still on the phone and looking happier than he had since sometime the day before.

“Dean said maybe for spring break,” Sam was saying when Dean opened his car door to climb back inside. “Yeah, me, too.” He shot a glance at Dean then turned more toward his window and lowered his voice to hushed conspiratorial tones. “I love you, too, Gabe. Call me when you get there, ok?...I know... Ok. Bye.”

“Was he happy to hear from you?”

“He really was,” Sam said, unable to hide his happy smile. “I’m glad I called. I thought it would make it worse, but it was really good to hear his voice, you know?”

Sam’s mood was lighter the rest of the day. When they’d been there a couple of hours and were having their lunch, it started to snow. It was only flurries, but Sam turned into a little kid as soon as he saw them. He took some pictures and sent them to Gabe. Some were of the snow, but he also made Dean take a picture of the two of them together to send him.

After that, the snow started coming down in earnest and they packed up quickly and left. Because of the other drivers freaking out over the weather, it took them a long time to get back close to home. Dean was going to take Sam with him to Cas’ house, but Sam asked to stay home. Gabe would be calling soon and he wanted some privacy for a long talk. Dean wanted some privacy himself, so he was all for it.

He dropped Sam off and texted Cas to make sure it was a good time to come over. The snow had all but stopped now, so the drive shouldn’t be hazardous. It felt a little weird, going to Cas’ house again. The last time he’d been there, only a few days ago, had been one of the worst moments of his life. He supposed that was why a little trickle of dread wormed its way through him as he pulled up in the drive.

He knocked lightly on the French doors and Cas opened them almost immediately. He would not, however, let Dean so much as touch him until the doors were firmly closed and locked behind him. Dean looked at him quizzically, since this was not typical behavior.

“My brothers are all at home,” Cas explained. “They may even be wandering around outside.”

Dean nodded before pulling Cas to him and kissing him deeply. He hugged him afterward and just held on, sighing against his neck for a moment before pulling away.

“You have a good Christmas with your family?”

Cas snorted. “Yeah, right. Anna is the only one who bothered to get me a gift, and the only one who liked the gift I gave her. They fought with each other and taunted me the whole time and I couldn’t escape fast enough.” His shoulders sagged and he hung his head. “I hate it here so much, Dean.”

Dean gathered him in for another hug. “I know, Cas. I know you do. I’m sorry it’s like this. You’re welcome to stay with us whenever you want, though, you know that, right?”

Cas nodded against Dean’s shoulder. “Thank you, Dean. I’ll be 18 soon enough and I can leave for good.”

Dean felt panic claw at his chest and he jerked back quickly. “You won’t leave town, will you?”

Castiel’s smile was beautiful and it caught Dean’s breath. He put a hand on Dean’s cheek. “Of course not, Dean. I just meant this house.” He sobered and tilted his head, frowning. “How is Sam? I should’ve asked before.”

Dean smiled a little. “It’s fine, Cas. He’s actually ok, I think. I made him call Gabe and I think that did them both good. He was scared it would make it worse, but I really think it helped. Actually that’s why he’s not with me now. Gabe’s supposed to call him back when they get in and get settled.”

Cas nodded. “They’re both such good people. They deserve to be happy.”

Dean felt himself fall a little more in love with Cas in that moment. “Yeah, they, uh...they do. Um, I am gonna try to take Sam to visit for spring break, so that’ll be good. You wanna come with?”

“Yes! I’d love that, Dean.”

Dean started to smile, then frowned as an idea struck him. “I guess you’ll have to get permission, huh?”

Cas grinned, shaking his head. “No, I’ll be 18 long before that.”

Dean’s eyes widened at that. “Oh yeah, man, with everything going on, it slipped my mind.” Then it occurred to him. “Shit, but I don’t have you a present! Why didn’t you remind me your birthday was coming up?”

Cas shrugged. “I’ve rarely celebrated my birthday, since it’s so close to Christmas. It wasn’t like I ever had friends to invite over for parties, anyway.”

Dean squeezed his hand. “You do now, Cas. Ok? Sam and I will definitely do something for you.”

Dean enjoyed how flustered Castiel became at his words. He was blushing and fidgeting and said it wasn’t necessary.

“Yeah, Cas, it kinda is.” He pulled Cas in for another kiss. “Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. Your brothers might not have gotten you anything, but I have another little gift for you.”

“What? But you already gave me a present.”

“Yeah, but this one I didn't wanna to give you in front of Sam and Gabe.”

“Dean,” Cas said in an exasperated, half-teasing tone. “There had better not be a bow around your penis.”

Dean belly laughed at the unexpected joke. He pushed against Cas’ shoulder with a grin. “You wish, babydoll. No, here,” he said, taking a small box from his pocket and shoving it into Cas’ hand.

Cas pulled out a chain with a silver rectangle on it. It was a necklace and the pendant had five symbols engraved on both sides.

“The lady at the jewelry store said it was some dead language. Shit, I was gonna remember...it’s one of those Bible guys. Enid? Esau? Enoch! She said it was Enochian.” Dean shrugged. “I don’t know if that’s true, but it says, um.” He ducked his head to hide his blush. “It says ‘angel’ coz, you know, your last name and you’re named after one and everything.”

This time it was Castiel pulling Dean down for a kiss. They fell back on the couch and did nothing else for several long minutes. With a heavy sigh, Dean pulled back and checked his watch.

“You need to get back to Sam.”

Dean nodded without looking up.

“Thank you for my gift, Dean. I love it. Will you help me put it on?”

Dean did and when he turned Cas back around he realized the guy was laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, it’s just, you could have kept this and given it to me for my birthday. I’d have never known the difference.”

“Uh-uh, no way. Cheating people out of birthday or Christmas presents because they are too close together is _lame_ , dude. I don’t do that.” The big-eyed stare Cas was giving him made him blush and get all gooey inside. “Stop looking at me like that, man.”

“I can’t help it, Dean. I love you.”

Dean melted a little more. His voice was hushed. “Yeah, Cas. I love you, too.”

They kissed once more and then Dean said he really had to go. He stepped over and opened the French doors to leave, but on an impulse he soon regretted, he turned around and walked over to give Cas one last kiss. He didn’t close the doors when he did and Cas shoved him away as soon as their lips met. “Dean, you didn’t clo - “

The warning came too late. Zack and Raphe busted through the doors and dragged Dean away from Cas by his shoulders. Raphe was behind him and grabbed him around the throat. His spit-soaked voice shouted in Dean’s ear, “You trying to force yourself on our little brother, _faggot_?”

Dean tried to protest this accusation, but Zach merely gave a mockery of a laugh and said, “We saw him try to shove you away, you freak, so how about you just shut up and don’t make things any worse for yourself?” Since Raph’s arm had tightened around Dean’s throat, he had little choice but to obey. Then Zach’s fist was connecting with his face and he felt knuckles hit bone.

As they punched and kicked him to the floor, Dean could hear Cas screaming at them to stop, pleading with them. He thought he heard Cas on the phone, but his consciousness was starting to fade by then. He vaguely noticed when the looming figures were pulled away from him, felt other hands that were touching without hitting, but mostly everything was pain for a while and then it was just black.

* * *

 

_When Dean wakes up, he’s in a hospital room. Cas is next to him, holding his hand and looking like he’s been crying for days. His eyes widen when he sees Dean is awake and he looks around, frantically, though Dean’s not sure why._

_“We need a nurse, Dean. I’ll be - “_

_“No!” Dean says through swollen lips. His ribs ache when he breathes and trying to shout like that has left him coughing. His eyes feel as swollen as his lips and he can’t see very well beyond where Cas is. “Stay.” The word comes out sounding funny, but Dean thinks that’s medication rather than his injuries. He can’t feel any missing teeth. He just feels like he gotten hit by a truck._

_“O-ok. The nurses should know you’re awake, though.”_

_Dean sees the call button, but he’s too weak to reach for it. He says something that he hopes translates to call button, but it doesn’t sound like it to his own ears. Thankfully, it seems that Cas understands because he grabs the remote and presses on it._

_“Do you remember what happened?”_

_“Your brothers,” is the best Dean can manage._

_Cas explains how they had busted in and beaten him up. Cas had called the police and a squad car had been nearby - Dean reflects that the police were apparently around more in better areas of town. Since he was in a better area for once he was grateful for it. The cops had dragged the brothers off him and arrested them. Then the ambulance was arriving and Cas was riding with Dean to the hospital._

“I called Sam,” Cas said, making Dean realize he had been sort of dozing off. “He said he was going to get a ride from Ellen, but they haven’t gotten here yet. Dean, I’m so sorry. I knew my brothers were bad, but I never thought they’d do this.”

Dean could see Cas was crying and he did his best to reach up and brush his face, but he had a hard time lifting his hand. Cas seemed to understand the gesture, anyway because he bent down and kissed Dean’s forehead very gently.

“Get up!”

Dean didn’t recognize the harsh voice, but Cas tensed and whirled around at the sound of it.

“Michael? Why are you here?”

“The police told me where to find you. You’re coming with me. You are not to see this boy again.”

Dean tried to sit up and protest, but he didn’t have the strength and Cas’ eyes pleaded with him to stay quiet. The firm hand Cas pressed against his chest spoke the same message, as did the fingers threaded through his own.

“Michael, why are you doing this?”

“Stop talking and give me your cell phone. You are not to speak to him, either.”

“At least let me say goodbye, Michael!”

“You have 30 seconds.”

Cas leaned over Dean and whispered in his ear. “Don’t worry, Dean. I’ll see you soon. Remember what I said in my room. All of it. I love you.”

Dean’s brain was too foggy to know what Cas meant. All he could do was ask his name like a question as those fingers trailed out of his. He couldn’t even form a response confirming he loved him too before Michael was snatching Cas’ phone and dragging him away. Dean sagged against the bed, wanting to go back into the blackness he’d woken up from.

Missouri walked through the door when he was almost there again.

“Oh, honey, look at you. You poor thing. It was those nasty brothers of his, wasn’t it?”

Dean tried to nod, but wasn’t sure he succeeded. Missouri just hummed angrily as she adjusted dials and checked readings.

“The police will be here soon, baby. I’m gonna help you sit up now. The pain medicine won’t be wearing off for a while, but sitting’ll help you feel less fog-brained, all right?”

She was very gentle with him, but lifting someone who had bruised ribs was bound to cause pain and he cried out at least twice. He didn’t try to stop her, though. He did try to stop his brain from remembering that this was how he’d gotten his second first kiss from Cas, though. Cas had been taken away. He might never get to kiss him again.

Before he had time to dwell on that, though, Sam and Ellen arrived, both looking ready to murder at the sight of his face. When they got closer, he could see the worry and fear that was lying just under the anger. Missouri reached out and stroked both their arms.

“Honey, you call if you need anything, all right? You can go home soon, I promise.”

No one said anything much. Ellen and his brother probably wanted to know what was happening, but they knew the police were on their way and could no doubt see that Dean wasn’t in any shape to go through the story more than once. So Sam and Ellen sat mostly in silence until the police arrived. When the cops finally got there, Ellen sent Sam to get a soda and sit in the waiting room. Dean could see that Sam wanted to protest, but after looking at Dean and then the cops, he kept his mouth shut and did as he was told.

“Excuse me, ma’am, who are you?”

“I’m Ellen Harvelle, I’m a friend of the family.”

“We understood that the boys lived with their father. Why are you here instead of him?”

“He’s out of town for work and asked me to look after the boys - “

“We’ve been unable to reach the boy’s father because the number that was put on the paperwork this afternoon has been disconnected.” Dean could tell the officer was beyond suspicious about that, but Ellen was prepared.

“Oh, he just got a new phone, I guess Cas still had the old one. Here you can call him from my phone. He might not pick up a number he doesn’t recognize.”

She took a step back toward the bed and pulled out her phone. Dean felt panic rise up, but Ellen gave him a reassuring pat and smile. She murmured, “I should call Bobby, too, huh?” before turning back to the officer. Dean’s drug-addled mind was starting to clear and he thought she meant that was who they’d be calling.

She pulled up the contact info now and handed her phone to the closest officer to answer. He asked the expected questions and Bobby’s answers appeased him easily. He knew all John’s important information, so the basic identity verification the officer went through was a cakewalk.

“Sir, since Dean is a minor, we don’t need you to press charges in order to move forward with the assault case. Dean may be needed to testify, if they don’t plea bargain, but if that is the case, the DA’s office will contact you at the number you just gave us.”  Soon enough he was thanking “John” for his time and apologizing to Ellen for the trouble.

“All right, son, now your friend gave us his version of events and the doctor told me that you were unconscious, so your memory might be affected, but I need you to tell me exactly what you _do_ remember about what happened tonight.”

Dean sighed heavily, realizing for the first time that he could not tell the police what happened. He had to come up with something that did not involve him kissing Cas. He couldn’t do that to Cas. He knew of at least three people they went to school with who had ties in the police force. He couldn’t out the guy like that, even if he was willing to out himself.

“Uh, it’s kinda fuzzy. I was trying to leave Castiel’s room and Zach and Raph just jumped me. I don’t remember much after they started hitting me. I passed out pretty quick.”

“Did they say anything to you?”

“No, I don’t think so? Not that I remember.”

“Any reason you can think of why your friend’s brothers would suddenly want to beat you up?”

“Um, no?” Then Dean remembered what had happened at school. “Well, maybe. A week or so ago I stopped Zach from beating up this other kid. He was pretty pissed about it. That’s the only reason I can think of.”

The cop nodded, as if this made sense to him. “Your friend mentioned that, too.” Dean tried not to let his immense relief show in his face. He was grateful that his instincts and Cas’ were so similar. “Bullies don’t like people who get between them and their victims. Ok, well, it looks that’s all we need for now. If anything else comes up, we’ll be in touch.”

As he stepped back from the bed, he said, “Dean, I can’t guarantee that those boys won’t be back in school in a few days, but given their family history, I’m sure the DA is going to argue that they are a flight risk to try and keep them from getting bail. If they do get out and they try something, you call us, all right? Don’t try to handle it yourself.”

“Trust me, I won’t.”

“All right, you folks take care.” Then he was making ready to walk out the door with his partner.

As soon as they were gone and definitely out of earshot, Ellen explained that she had been concerned about something like this from the beginning. Because of that concern, she’d discussed this sort of eventuality with Bobby previously, and they had come up with a plausible story. He was John, he was out of town on a job and he’d left the boys with Ellen in the mean time. They had also gotten him a cheap, pay as you go cell phone, so he would know exactly how to answer it, if a number other than hers showed up. She had entered Bobby’s burner phone contact info in her phone so that his name showed up as John Winchester.

Dean said, “You know, you could’ve actually called Dad. It’s not like we don’t know where he is and...he knows about Cas.”

Ellen shoved her hands in her pockets and stared at the floor. “I tried to call him when Sam called me, Dean.”

Dean shot a look at Sam, and saw that his face was twisted into an angry smirk. “He was drunk,” Sam said bitterly. “Told Ellen he was glad mom hadn’t lived to see her boys grow up into ungrateful homos.”

Dean, who had thought he couldn’t feel much worse, felt his stomach fill with acid. He felt the tears burning behind his eyes, the knot in his throat and he was too tired, too damned wrung out to try to fight them. He sobbed against his chest, sick of everything going to shit. He was tired of nothing ever turning out right, of never getting what he wanted.

Ellen gathered him up close to her and let him hold on. He sobbed into her shoulder a minute before Sam joined them. Dean snatched him close with one arm, holding Ellen fast with the other. Sam was crying, too. They let it out, Ellen’s hands soothing both their backs, for an amount of time Dean couldn’t calculate. Their sobs were slowing down into hitching breath when he heard someone clear their throat.

They broke apart and Dean saw the same doctor he’d had when he’d hit his head. Ellen and Sam stepped aside so the doctor could look him over. The only part of it Dean actually paid much attention to was that he could leave as soon as the nurses came with his paperwork. He had gone a little numb and the rest of the process just went by without him really noticing. He wasn’t even sure later if he had talked to either Ellen or Sam, or Missouri when she returned to release him.

They were halfway back to Ellen’s house when his head finally started feeling clear enough to think. He realized he hadn’t told them about Cas yet. They probably thought he’d just been crying over Dad and over getting beaten up. He told them about Michael and his taking Cas’ phone.

Then he remembered what Cas had said, but his head was still too foggy to figure out what he’d been trying to tell him. He didn’t mention the whisper to Ellen, though he knew he would tell Sam later. When they got back to her house, he finally remembered to thank Ellen for what she and Bobby had done.

“Boy, you don’t have to thank me,” was her gruff reply, but she looked pleased.

He called Bobby and thanked him and got a similar response, though this time he could hear the pleasure in the gruff voice of his boss.

Dean was lying in bed that night, nearly asleep when thoughts of his time in Cas’ room started coming back to him. Not the moments when he was being beaten up, thankfully, but the time before that. He finally realized what it was Cas had been trying to say.

In one week, Cas would be 18. And when he turned 18, he was leaving his brothers for good. For the first time since Cas’ brothers had stormed in and attacked him, Dean smiled.

* * *

 

It was a very long week, especially since he didn’t work at all. He and Sam did a few things together, but it snowed a couple of days after Christmas, which limited what they could do outside the house. His healing face didn’t exactly make him crave the public eye, either. Nights were the worst, because Cas wasn’t there and Sam would spend hours on the phone with Gabe and Dean was alone. He watched a lot of movies and bad tv.

He found a project for himself, though. Cas’ birthday present was going to be as epic as he could make it. It was tricky because it was between holidays, but he enlisted the help of Bobby and Ellen and managed to get just what he needed. He couldn’t wait for New Year’s Eve. He didn’t know how soon Cas would show up after he officially turned 18, so he couldn’t count the hours, but he was certainly counting the days.

He also got to experiment with some really complicated recipes, since he had so much free time. He tried not to think too much about the bad things, like his father and Cas’ brothers. He didn’t want to think about having to testify if it came to that, either. He didn’t want to think about Andrea’s phone call and how she had used his getting beaten up as an excuse for an “I told you I had to leave” speech. He hadn’t _known_ the brothers had it in for him or he would’ve taken precautions. Bobby and Ellen had his back, just like they’d have had hers. He didn’t like thinking about any of that, and chopping vegetables and slicing or tenderizing meat really helped with that.

He did like to think about Cas, though. His smile, his kindness, the way he was with Sam. Dean missed him so much, but he knew that soon, they’d be together. He didn’t expect their lives to be easy, but for some reason, he had a lot of hope for the future. It was irrational, given all that had happened in the past week, but he believed it, anyway. He felt like, when it was him and Cas and Sam together, they were gonna find a way to make it all work. They were a good team. Even if they were missing a member now that Gabe was gone, Dean thought it was maybe all gonna finally be ok.

The day before Cas’ birthday, Dean baked a monstrous cake. He had no idea what flavors Cas preferred so he made a vanilla layer, a chocolate layer and a strawberry layer. There was a fudge filling between the vanilla and strawberry, and a lemon filling between the strawberry and chocolate. Then he covered the whole thing in cream cheese icing with coconut. On top of that, he added frozen blueberries. Sam laughed at him, but Dean knew he was just as anxious to try the cake as Dean was.

“Shut up,” Dean said. “He’s gonna love it.”

“I know, man. I know.” He patted Dean on the shoulder as he walked to the fridge. “But what are we gonna _eat_?”

“Dude, we just had lunch.”

“Uh, _dude_ , lunch was over 4 hours ago. I’m _starving_. Do you want your little brother to die of malnutrition?”

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

“How about burgers?” At Sam’s eye roll, he added, “I’ll put vegetables in them.”

Sam considered, then nodded. “Alright, but ketchup is _not_ a vegetable, just so you know.”

“Get out of my kitchen, Sammy.”

“Yes, sir!” Sam said with a mock salute and a laugh as Dean threw a dish towel at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of this fic is mainly schmoop and smut and good stuff. Happy feels. There will be a regular chapter update on Friday. Then I will post a preview for the sequel with the final chapter and epilogue on Monday. Thanks for hanging in there, lovely people. I know there have been many tears. Hugs for everyone! ♥


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of Cas' birthday and half of Dean's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you cry this time, they should be sweet, sappy tears.
> 
> **Trigger Warnings: Brief discussion of alcoholism & past violence.**

It was shortly after midnight when Dean thought he heard a car door outside. He had been watching tv, so he wasn’t entirely sure. He muted the sound, but no longer heard anything. He shrugged and started to unmute the tv when there was a knock at the door. He practically flew off the couch as he ran to answer it, checking the peephole and seeing nothing but unruly dark hair.

He flung the door open and there was Cas, whose face broke into a wide smile when their eyes met.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Happy birthday, Cas!” Dean said, yanking Cas into a bear hug. “Come on, let’s get inside where it’s warm.”

When they got inside and Dean closed the door, Cas said, “I left as soon as it officially became my birthday. Everything I own is in my car. Will it be safe outside tonight? I really don’t think I have the energy to unload it and load it back up tomorrow to take to storage.”

“First of all, I think I have a car cover we can use so no one can see that there’s stuff in there. Second, why the hell would you take it to storage?”

“Just until I find an apartment.”

“Dude, are you serious?” Dean smiled incredulously, but then his face fell as a possibility occurred to him. “Don’t you wanna stay here with me and Sam?”

Cas looked at him, wide blue eyes shocked and yet hopeful. “You mean, permanently?”

“Uh, yeah, Cas. That’s exactly what I mean.” He scratched his head uncomfortably. “Unless, you know, you’d rather live on your own or something. I mean, I get that.”

“I’ve been on my own long enough, but is- is Sam ok with it?”

“Hell yeah, I’m okay with it!” Sam said from the stairs where neither Dean nor Cas had seen him standing.

Cas looked back and forth between them, then smiled. “I’d like that very much.”

There was a chorus of “whoops” and “yips” and a variety of other excited, celebratory noises that had no name. Dean put candles in the cake and brought it out for Cas. He was really excited about his gift for Cas and couldn’t wait to show him, but he didn’t mention it yet. Cas laughed happily at the cake and swore it was perfect.

“Oh, man, Dean,” Sam said around his first mouthful. “This is awesome. Sorry I laughed.”

When Cas tasted his, he made a noise that Dean had heard from him before, but never in front of another person. Dean blushed and so did Cas and they exchanged embarrassed glances. Sam declared the two of them gross, but Dean noticed it wasn’t gross enough to dull the kid’s appetite. He really didn’t know of anything that was.

“It really is delicious, Dean.”

Cas smiled and looked just about the happiest Dean had ever seen him. Dean hoped his gift would crank that up a few more notches, though. When he finished his piece of cake, he ran upstairs to retrieve the present and then sat back down, waiting impatiently for Sam and Cas to finish their cake, too. Before he could give Cas his gift, though, Sam announced he had something for him. This was news to Dean, but it was good news. Cas looked equally surprised and pleased.

When Sam came back, he had a small bundle, wrapped in tissue paper. Sam handed it over shyly. “I hope you like it. It’s not much, but…” Sam shrugged.

“I’m sure I’ll love it, Sam.”

Cas pulled away the wrapping paper and uncovered an old book. It was the second volume of the book on bees that Cas had loaned Sam. Dean smiled, proud of his brother for the thousandth time.

“Sam! How did you find this?”

“I noticed it listed in the back of the other one. I was able to get it online. I knew you’d like it. I couldn’t get it time for Christmas like I wanted, so I decided to wait till your birthday. I didn’t know your birthday was so soon.” Sam smiled sheepishly.

“It’s wonderful. Thank you so much.”

Dean nervously ran his hand over the package that held his gift. He thrust it out at arm’s length and Cas smiled indulgently as he took it and carefully removed the wrapping from the box. Inside was a photo album and Cas looked at Dean curiously as he realized that. He hesitantly opened the front cover and Dean’s grin went from ear to ear at Castiel’s loud gasp.

“Oh my God, Dean! How did you...Oh my...Look, Sam, that’s my mother!” He had tears in his eyes when he turned the book around so Sam could see. He looked up at Dean, as happy as Dean had ever seen him, despite the tears that shimmered and made those blue eyes even brighter. “Thank you so much, Dean. This is...it’s the best thing you could ever do for me. But, how?”

Dean felt his own eyes watering now. He had to clear his throat and sniff before he could speak. “I, uh, it occurred to me that your parents were rich and, uh, you know, rich people do, like, engagement announcements and put their weddings and babies in the paper and stuff.” He shrugged. “Bobby helped me out with getting good copies. He’s also the one who mentioned yearbooks.”

In all there were twelve photos of Cas’ mother, including her senior picture from high school and one from her sorority. Not all the photos were clear, but Bobby had had his friend Frank turn the grainy newspaper photos into higher quality prints. Dean had cut the picture from her obituary, but left the obituary itself out of the album. He figured he could give him that another time.

“ _Dean_ ,” Cas breathed when he turned to the last page. The final photograph was his birth announcement. On it was a large picture of baby Castiel Angeles, in his mother’s arms. Cas pressed a hand flat against it over the plastic protective cover. When he looked at Dean this time, the tears were spilling over, but he looked happier than Dean had ever seen him and his face was shining with love.

“I thought I’d never see her face again, but Dean, you gave my mother back to me. And Sam,” he said, turning to look at the younger Winchester, “You gave me a new piece of something she loved.” He smiled even as a small sob escaped him. “I am so blessed to have you two in my life. I don’t know what I did to deserve you both, but I’m going to do my best to make both of you as happy as you’ve made me.”

Dean grabbed Cas and Sam together and the three of them piled into a group hug on the floor, every one of them crying a little. Dean loved his little family and he made a promise to himself to do everything in his power to protect it. He didn’t know if he would ever see his father again. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but he had Cas and he thought, if his dad was gone for good, it was more than an even trade to have Cas instead.

He thought about how far he and Sam had come in just a few months. They had Cas and each other. They had Ellen and Bobby and Jo. They were part of his family, too and for the first time in long time, he felt very lucky to have the life he had. He was sad that Gabe was missing - and he hoped Sam was going to find a way to be okay again soon - but he was part of their family, too, far away or not. Things were very good indeed.

“I love you guys,” he told them as he pulled out of the hug. “We got a pretty great little family here, you know?”

“Yeah, we do,” Sam said.

“Yes, Dean. A wonderful family.” Cas’ smile was maybe the most beautiful thing Dean had ever seen.

“You think we’d be here now even if I hadn’t hit you with my car?” Dean asked and then kicked himself mentally as complete silence fell over the room.

“Dean?” Sam finally asked. “What are you talking about?”

Dean scrubbed his face with his hand. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m the one who hit Cas with my car, Sam. He ended up in a coma because of me.”

Sam looked dumbfounded. He looked to Cas for a reaction, but Cas just smiled and placed a hand on his knee. “I’ve known almost the whole time, Sam. It was an accident. It was caused by my brothers, just like most of the bad things that have happened between us,” he said with a glance at Dean. “Don’t be upset with him. I’m not.”

Sam shook his head. “New family, new family rule, Dean.”

“Ok, fair enough. What’s the rule?”

“No more stupid secrets between us. When something happens, we deal with it as a family. We talk about stuff.”

“I think that’s a very good rule, Sam,” Cas said, smiling.

* * *

 

Sam felt his stomach doing flips as his computer booted up. He and Gabe were planning to video chat and he’d been looking forward to it all day. Now that the time was almost here, he was so nervous, he couldn’t sit still, though. He hadn’t seen Gabe in two weeks. They had talked on the phone nearly every day, but Gabe hadn’t gotten internet until a couple of days ago, so they couldn’t use video before now.

As soon as the computer was up and running, Sam started getting the video chat ready. He was several minutes too early for the agreed time, but he was so anxious to see Gabe’s face that he couldn’t stop himself signing on, just in case. He wasn’t disappointed. Gabe was already online when he logged in.

As the video call connected, Sam’s breath quickened. He realized he didn’t know what he was going to say or how his hair looked or anything. Why hadn’t he thought this through? He started to panic, but just then, Gabe’s face came on to his screen. As soon as he saw Gabe’s face, Sam relaxed. All the nerves disappeared and he stopped feeling sick.

“Hey, Gabe.”

“Hey, Samsam,” Gabe said with a happy smile. “It’s good to see you. Really good.”

“Yeah. I’ve missed you. A lot.”

Gabe’s smile faltered. “Same here, Sam-O. Same here.” The video lagged and skipped a bit. “-ell me about what Dean and Cas are up to. Dean’s face all healed up now?”

“Yeah, he’s almost completely back to normal. He doesn’t have to go to trial or anything, either. Zach and Raph pled guilty. Cas says because Michael wouldn’t want the scandal of publicly admitting their brother kissed another guy.” Sam shrugged.

“You heard from your dad any more?”

“Not since he drunk dialed us on New Year’s. I don’t think we will. Dean called that Kate lady and talked to her for a long time about everything that happened. She said she was gonna try to get him into rehab, but we kinda don’t care? I don’t know.” Sam shrugged. “If he actually gets sober and stays that way, maybe we’ll make up with him, but otherwise, he’s a lost cause and I think we’re both kinda done.”

“I get it, Sam-O. Don’t blame ya.”

“What about you? Did your mom find a new job yet or just that temp thing?”

“Yeah, she’s got something lined up I think. An office thing, which she says is better.” He smirked. “The new school blows. There’s no one cool there at all. Well,” he said, smirk growing. “No one else cool.”

Sam’s laugh came easily. “School here sucks without you, too, Gabe. Oh, but Dean said, if your mom is cool with it, he’s definitely going to drive me up there for Spring Break to visit!” Sam couldn’t keep the excitement out of his voice, but Gabe matched it.

“Man, that’ll be awesome! I can’t wait to see you again.” The smirk faded. “I really do miss you, Samsam. I hate it without you.”

Sam, unable to take the sadness on Gabe’s face when he couldn’t kiss it away, joked, “You just wanna get in my pants and you can’t do that long distance.”

It shocked a laugh out of Gabe and the mood stayed light the rest of the conversation. They had a visit to look forward to now and that helped a lot. Sam didn’t want to hang up, even after they’d been on the phone for 3 hours, but Dean told him he couldn’t have dinner in his room and he was starving.

“I hate to, but I really gotta go, man. I, um...I love you.” He wasn’t sure if he was still supposed to say it, now that Gabe had moved away, but he was glad he did. Gabe’s whole face lit up at the words.

“Yeah, Samsam, I love you, too.”

* * *

 

Adjusting to life with the Winchesters full time wasn’t nearly as hard as living with his actual brothers had been. He had told Sam that almost all of his and Dean’s troubles had been caused by his own brothers, but soon after, he had learned that the one thing his brothers couldn't be blamed for was Benny's knowledge of Castiel's ordeal with April.

When Dean had confronted Benny on their first day back at school after Christmas break, Benny had confessed that April had been a friend of his. She had often talked to him about Castiel and her deal with the Angeles brothers. In Benny's eyes, the whole Angeles family was to blame for April resorting to hooking up with the married man. He'd not only deliberately gone after Cas, but he'd told Zach and Raph that he thought Cas and Dean were more than friends - in retaliation for Dean choosing an Angeles over him.

While that didn’t excuse anything that his brothers had done, Castiel knew that because of Benny’s interference, the brothers had already been worked up over his possible relationship with Dean, long before they actually caught Dean kissing him. He doubted the results would have been so brutal if they had just witnessed the kiss, without any prior goading.

Castiel took to his new life easily. Mornings meant rushed but fun breakfasts and then riding to school with Dean. Afternoons and evenings meant doing homework and hanging out with Sam. Nights were for cuddling and occasionally a little something more, though he and Dean were taking things a lot slower since the pre-Christmas breakup and the post-Christmas forced separation. He wasn’t even sure why they were doing it, but it seemed to be a mutual, if unspoken,  decision.

Weekends were probably his favorite time. Sometimes he got time alone with Sam while Dean worked. Other times he and Dean got the whole weekend alone while Sam stayed with Ellen. Quite often, when all three of them were home, they took little weekend trips. He knew for the first time what it meant to have a real family, who spent quality time together because they loved each other.

Cas hadn’t told either Dean or Sam about the money he’d be getting soon. He knew he had mentioned his trust fund to Dean once, but he hadn’t brought up the fact that he was now 18 and would soon be able to access the small fortune his mother had left him. He wanted to follow the rule about not keeping secrets, but he felt like this was more of a good surprise than a secret. He had some plans for what he wanted to do with it, plans that involved both Winchesters, and he wanted to wait until the moment was right.

He was still moved every time he saw the gift Dean had given him for his birthday. He looked at pictures of his mother nearly every single day and every time he did so, he was grateful to Dean. For Dean. He wanted to do something for Dean that would mean even a fraction as much, but he wasn’t sure what he could do. Castiel thought of a few presents he’d like to get, but nothing on the scale of that photo album.

He loved Dean more every single day. He could not imagine life without him. As he thought about everything they had shared, a plan slowly began to form. It was nothing like what Dean had done for him, but it was a special thing. A thing that, for Cas, meant a level of trust and commitment, the likes of which he’d never believed himself capable. Dean had given him so much. He knew that what he was going to do would make Dean happy on many levels, both physical and emotional. He was pretty excited himself.

* * *

 

Dean couldn’t believe he was 18 now. He and Sammy had talked about the possibilities of Dean trying to become his legal guardian once he was, but now the day had actually come. He’d already spoken with a lawyer about adopting Sam. Since he was _in loco parentis_ , the lawyer said he had a chance, but it would be better if John would sign over parental rights to him. Dean had not yet made the call.

His birthday had fallen on a Thursday, so they decided to celebrate on the following Saturday, when Dean wasn’t working. Bobby actually took the day off himself because Ellen had decided to throw Dean a hell of a birthday party. There weren’t tons of people there, but nearly everyone he wanted to see was in attendance.

To his surprise, even Missouri was there. He turned to Ellen, confusion evident on his face.

“She overheard me talking about it and said she wanted to be here,” she explained.

He nodded, then walked over to say hello. They talked for a  few minutes before Bobby descended on him and dragged him off to a private part of the yard. Dean didn’t know what he could possibly want, but Bobby looked grim all the way over to the tree where they stopped.

Then his face split into a grin. “You’re 18 now, boy!” he said, clapping Dean on the shoulder hard enough to shift him on his feet.

“Yeah, I know. That’s kinda what the party’s about, Robert.”

“Don’t mean you get to sass me, boy,” Bobby replied with a threatening expression. “I don’t tolerate lip from my service advisors, you know.”

Dean started to apologize, but his voice died as Bobby’s words sank in. “What?”

Bobby mocked Dean’s raised eyebrows with his own. “I’m gonna start training you to work inside, now that you’re an adult. Once you graduate, we can talk about making that a full-time thing and maybe look at a management position.”

“But, Bobby, I don’t - “

“Dean, I’ve known you most of your life, boy. I know what you’re capable of, better’n you do. Your 18th birthday is all I been waitin’ for to get you out of the garage and into the office. Not,” he said with a raised hand, “that you’re not great in the garage or that there is anything wrong with being a mechanic. But you got a family to support now. You need a job with some growth potential. And I need a manager who knows my business inside and out.”

“Bobby, that’s...man, that’s awesome!”

“Course it is, idjit. Now hug me and then go eat cake. I gotta talk to that Cas fella a little while.”

“ _Bobby_ ,” Dean said, half pleading.

“I ain’t gonna rough him up, boy. Just wanna talk about his intentions.”

“Oh, God,” Dean groaned as he made his way back to the party area. He saw Sam standing on the fringes, talking, but not fully involved in what was going on.

“Heya, Sammy, how’s it going?”

He could see that Sam was missing Gabe. He’d finally made a new friend at school this past week, but he didn’t know him well enough to invite him to a party where his brother and his boyfriend would be holding hands and possibly kissing. Dean knew Sam wasn’t embarrassed by his relationship, he was just worried about there being a scene on Dean’s big day. At least the guy was coming over to spend the night with Sam at Ellen’s, since the kid was giving Dean and Cas the rest of the weekend together.

Sam turned a big grin on his big brother. “It’s great, Dean! You’ve got a lot of presents to open, including mine, you know.”

“You got me a present?” Dean asked, then schooled his face into a frown. “It better not be some dorky book.”

Sam just laughed at him. “You love books and you know it, Dean. Anyway, _no hints_!” He stuck out his tongue.

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

“You know, it won’t bother me if you sneak off for a little while to video chat with Gabe.”

Sam’s face lit up with hope, as Dean thought it might. “Yeah? You really wouldn’t mind?”

“Of course not. Hell, I wouldn’t mind saying hi to him myself. You go see if he’s available and I”ll be inside in just a few minutes.”

“Awesome, Dean! You’re the best!”

They hugged and then Sam practically ran inside. As Dean turned away from watching him, he immediately caught sight of Cas being dragged off by Bobby. He moved to intercept them, but before he could, his cell phone was ringing. He saw that it was Kate and his shoulders fell. He didn’t want bad news today, but he figured she’d just keep calling if he didn’t pick up.

“This is Dean,” he said gruffly into the phone.

“Dean, it’s Kate. Ellen told us your party was today and your father wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday, but he wasn’t sure if you would talk to him. I decided I’d better call and ask you.”

So that was how, two minutes later, he was talking to his father. John was sober, which was nice, but Dean didn’t want to talk about Cas or Gabe with him, lest it fuel another drunken tirade like the one before Christmas, so the conversation was awkward.

“So, wow. 18, huh? That’s, uh, a big deal. I wish I had something to give you, but I still haven't found work and I don’t wanna ask Kate for the money. I’m sorry, Dean. I know I’m letting you down again.”

In truth, Dean had long ago resigned himself to a lack of presents and presence from his father on his birthday and other such major life events. He wasn’t even upset anymore. Then he realized there was something his father could give him. Something that would mean more than all the monetary gifts in the world.

“There is something you can do, actually, Dad. Won’t cost you anything, but it’ll help me and Sam both.”

“Yeah, whatever it is, Dean, I’ll do it.”

Dean took a deep breath. “Sign over custody of Sam to me.” He felt a twinge of guilt, so he said, “Look, I’m not kicking you out of our lives, but we both know I’ve been raising Sam all this time. He’s my kid as much as yours at this point and I’ve got a chance at a new job and - “

“I said I’d do it, Dean. Just tell me how to do it, and I will.” His father didn’t sound angry or even hurt. He actually sounded like he was making a grown-up decision for once.

The conversation was easier after that and Dean let his father talk about how rehab was going. He didn’t let himself hope too much for a good outcome, but he let himself hope a little. He didn’t need his father anymore, but he kind of still wanted him, if he could get sober and stay that way. Only time would tell.

When they hung up, he went into the house to see if Sam was still on video chat with Gabe. He walked in quietly and neither of them noticed at first, so he was able to observe them. How both their faces were lit up, just talking to each other. His heart ached that they couldn't be together. They were just kids, sure, and they would probably have broken up anyway, but Dean still hated it. Sam may not love Gabe in the same way that Dean loved Cas, but he had no doubt that Sam loved him just as fiercely.

When he took a step forward, he was sort of behind Sam, so Gabe spotted him first. He heard, “Hey, Dean-O!” come out of the tinny laptop computer and he waved toward Gabe’s somewhat blurry face.

“Heya, kid. How’s it going? I’m going to assume my card got lost in the mail,” he teased with a wink.

“Well, clearly,” Gabe responded with a smirk, “someone hasn’t checked his email today.”

“Huh?” Dean was confused. He walked toward where Sam was sitting.

“Here, Dean,” his brother said, bringing up the page for his email account to the side of the screen, so they could still see Gabe.

Dean logged in. He had an email from Hallmark, announcing that Gabe had sent him an e-card. He couldn’t help the big stupid smile that his face melted into.

Gabe made a derisive noise though the speakers. “You haven’t even _opened_ it yet and you’re already sappy,” he said, but Dean noticed he was smiling and not smirking.

“It’s my party and I’ll cry - “

“Don’t, Dean. Just...don’t,” Sam begged, interrupting his song quoting.

Dean muttered as he clicked the link. The card was a silly little animated thing with annoying music, but it was signed “Love, Gabe” and that was worth another big dopey smile.

“Thanks, Gabe.” He hoped Gabe couldn’t see his wet eyes through the video camera.

“Happy birthday, Dean-O,” he replied and Dean pretended couldn’t see Gabe’s wet eyes, either.

After that, he left Sam and Gabe to their conversation, promising to let Sam know before cake and presents. When that moment arrived, he told Sam to bring the laptop with him so Gabe could be a part of it all. He looked around at all the faces, live and digital and felt a thick warmth come over him.

He was 18 now. He was going to be Sam’s legal guardian. Cas was living with them. And he had everyone he needed at his birthday party, wishing him well. He’d even heard from his father on his birthday for the first time in who knew how many years. Life was good. Life was very good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOODNESS. I cannot believe that I only have one chapter left to post. ~~Don't worry, it contains smut.~~ On Monday, I will post the final chapter of this with a short preview of the sequel "Don't Start Me Trying Now" (and I also plan to post the first chapter of same). I hope those of you who've been angrily munching snacks and cursing my name (or just calling me Satan) will be sufficiently mollified by today's and Monday's chapters. You're all beautiful and I love you. ♥♥♥♥♥♥


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Winchesters live happily ever after, after all. ~~Others not so much.~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No triggers!! Just 99% pure smut and schmoop! And then there is a preview for the sequel - now, I know I said the first chapter of the sequel was going up tonight, but unfortunately, that just can't happen because my poor beta just had too much going on. It will be up in the next couple of days, pinky swear.
> 
> ♥♥♥♥♥ SPEAKING OF WHICH: Please go give my beta [Mahbbys](http://mahbbys.tumblr.com/) some serious love, either in her ask or by reading and commenting on [her fics](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mahbbys/pseuds/mahbbys/works) because she is a TREASURE and I do not know how I would have gotten a single word of this posted if not for her. ~~Even if she spent many days cussing my name and telling me she hated me and saying vile things. She a melodramatic beast, that one.~~ **8 months** she hung with me on this, tirelessly reading, editing, encouraging and kicking my ass when I needed it. Without her concrit, this would not be half the fic it is today. ~~I'm not crying, you're crying.~~ ♥♥♥♥♥

When they got back to the house, Dean noticed Cas’ limp was a little more pronounced than it usually was. It was probably from all the standing around all afternoon. Cas was slowly getting better with the physical therapy, but it was an ongoing process. He offered to massage his boyfriend’s leg, but Cas laughed and said, “That would kind of spoil my plans for the evening.”

“Oh? And what plans were those?” Dean’s pulse sped up at the suggestive tone in Cas’ voice. His throat clicked when he tried to swallow.

“I have another birthday surprise for you. If you’re interested, that is.”

Dean thought there was nothing sexier than flirty Cas when he was teasing him. Unless it was naked Cas, of course. He had a feeling he would get to see both tonight and he couldn’t wait. He got upstairs and got all his things put away in his old room in record time. By the time he got to the big room, Cas was taking a shower.

He saw a small box on the bed which he was tempted to open, but the tag said “Don’t Touch”, so he left it alone. He wasn’t always good at following the rules, but he knew he might cost himself his surprise if he didn’t behave. So he was a good boy, if not a patient one. Cas seemed to be taking _ages_ in the shower. Dean finally decided Cas he wasn’t out in the next 3 minutes, Dean was going to join him and they would see which of them was surprised.

He heard the water shut off with another minute to spare and felt a mild disappointment. That soon went away, when Cas walked into the room completely naked. Even with the 4 inch scar on the front of one leg, Dean thought Cas’ body was absolutely flawless. “Cas,” he breathed. “You’re fucking gorgeous.”

“Then you should kiss me.”

Cas said it matter-of-factly, as though he wasn’t standing there rendering Dean’s legs useless. He smiled and somehow that got Dean moving forward. His hands were shaking as he reached for Cas’ face. He could hardly breathe and he leaned forward to press his lips to those thick pink ones in front of him, but Cas just kept smiling. Of course, he had the luxury of that. He wasn’t having to see himself naked. See how perfect he looked. Or how beautiful.

When their lips met, a small sound escaped Dean at the immediate flash of heat that went through him. The press of lip to lip finally forced the connection in his brain. Cas was naked and they were kissing. They were kissing and Cas was naked and that meant that they weren’t going to stop at kissing. They weren’t even going to stop at handjobs. They were going as far as they wanted to go. It fueled a fire in the pit of his belly and Dean deepened the kiss. He moved one of his hands down to slide against the warm, damp skin of Cas’ back, crushing Cas to him.

Dean realized that he could feel Cas’ cock and balls through his pants. Cas wasn’t even hard yet, but somehow the moist shower-warmth of it was almost just as hot as his erection would have been. He gave himself over to the kiss, willing himself not to ruin this with too much thinking. Cas helped him by starting up his usual petting. That led to Dean mimicking the action and in turn to Dean’s hand roaming from Cas’ back down over his freshly showered ass.

Dean went completely still. That was Cas’ naked ass in his hand, warm and soft and so very...naked. Dean wasn’t sure if he was so affected because of what they might do - since he had new, previously unexplored, naked body parts to touch - or because this was far more intimate than all of their prior sexual encounters. This was not a frenzied make-out session where the outcome was totally unknown and they only touched the body parts that were right in front of them. This was Cas, standing naked before him, offering Dean whatever he wanted.

Dean took a deep breath to steady himself and it was then he realized that Cas smelled like his soap. Cas smelled like his soap and his shampoo and yet still like Cas. The wave of possessiveness that flooded through him was a little frightening in its intensity. As though every blood cell were whispering _Minemineminemineminemineminemineminemine_.

“I should...I should probably shower, too,” he said against Cas neck, where he was resting his head. He didn’t think he was that in need of one. He wasn’t even just trying to reciprocate because Cas had taken one. He just needed a minute to breathe and process what was happening.

“Good,” Cas said. “When you get back, I’ll give you your massage.” Dean nearly swallowed his own tongue on his way out the door.

He didn’t rush through his shower, but he didn’t linger, either. Now that he had a moment to step back, he felt a lot better. Whatever was going to happen tonight was not a foregone conclusion. Cas of all people wouldn’t rush him into anything. This was a birthday gift. It was supposed to be fun. He was supposed to relax and enjoy it. And he was with Cas, so how could he not?

When he walked back in the bedroom, he was much more shy with his movements than Cas had been. He wasn’t sure he had ever been totally naked with someone before. Normally he still had a shirt on or his pants were only undone. He didn’t have time to worry about it, though, because seeing Cas, laid out on the bed like some lady in a French painting, took his breath and thoughts away. Cas extended a hand, palm up and crooked his finger at Dean. Dean’s feet followed without his having to tell them.

Cas sat up and knelt on the edge of the bed. He pulled Dean to him and into a kiss. The bed gave him a minor height advantage for once and his cock pressed against Dean’s stomach. It was hard this time and it was doing things to Dean. He felt his own cock harden. When his hips involuntarily jerked forward, seeking friction, they slid between Cas barely-parted thighs. He groaned into Cas’ mouth and the brunet responded by pulling his legs closer together to tighten the grip.

Then, after a too short length of time, Cas was pulling away from Dean and out of the kiss. He may have whined at the loss, but he pretended he hadn’t. Cas said, “Plenty of time for that later. Right now, it’s time for that massage I promised you.”

* * *

 

Cas had decided a couple of weeks before that sex was going to be on the agenda for Dean’s birthday. They had both been waiting, for a lot of reasons, to go further than they’d already been - they had only just gone back to going _that_ far. But Cas felt like it had been long enough since the breakup and their separation to start moving forward again. All the way forward.

Cas had been nothing but nerves for the past week. Now that the time had finally come, however, he found he was actually calm. Excited, but calm. He had done tons of research on the internet. They were going to do this right. He took a thorough shower, as per the instructions he had read. Then, while Dean took his own shower, Cas got himself prepared. He had purchased a plug on the internet for the occasion. It felt weird, but the alternative - having to have Dean either prepare him or watch him prepare - was just a little more intimacy than he was ready for.

He had big plans, but having Dean’s naked body against him, cock sliding between his legs, almost unraveled the whole scheme. It took all his willpower to pull away. He got Dean onto his stomach and took a moment to just enjoy the glorious view. He had been astounded by the view from the front, but he was a little more used to those areas. Dean’s back was perfectly toned and his ass...Fuck, his ass was perfect.

“You work so hard all week long,” Cas said to Dean as he warmed massage oil in his hands. “I just thought you could use a really nice massage to work out some of the kinks.” He reached down and placed a soft kiss against Dean’s freckled lower back. “Of course, you are being a lot more distracting than I had counted on, so it’s not going to be as long of a massage as I had planned.”

In fact, while Cas started off with the best of intentions, the slip slide of slick hands against Dean’s hot skin was too much. Cas had gotten edible massage oil, which was just as well, because he’d barely been at the rub down for 5 minutes before he felt compelled to start taking bites of the long, lean man in front of him.

The noises of satisfaction Dean made only fueled the fire. Pretty soon Cas was rubbing his cock against Dean more than his hands. He was only a little surprised when Dean grunt-growled and flipped them over. Dean trapped him in a kiss so deep, Cas briefly wondered if they might meld together. If he had to spend life fused to another human being, this was certainly the right one. His cock was aching now - how had he missed out on this feeling all those years? Right. Because he hadn’t had Dean.

His emotions threatened to overwhelm his passion, but Dean chose that moment to break the kiss and move his mouth to Cas’ neck. He knew the sucking bite was going to leave a mark, but he didn’t care. It was closer to his shoulder than his neck, so he could probably hide it easily. Even if he couldn’t, he didn’t care. Dean had made him his. He liked it. He didn’t expect Dean to do it again, harder - or for the sensation to travel straight down to his dick.

“Dean,” he gasped, knowing he wouldn’t last much longer at this rate. “Want you…” he lost his train of thought as Dean’s mouth and tongue clamped around a nipple. “Want you...inside me...I…” he stopped as Dean slowly lifted up to meet his gaze. “I got myself ready,” he said quietly. Dean’s eyes went from green to black as his pupils dilated almost completely. He stared at Cas for a long moment without speaking.

Cas felt himself pulled into another kiss, even deeper and longer lasting than the one before. It quickly went from a simple kiss into full-on making out. Sometime in the middle, Cas reached back and awkwardly removed the plug, tossing it off the bed. Dean pulled back from the kiss at the sound, with a confused look on his face, but there was not enough blood fueling his brain to even form a question about it.

Cas brought his mouth up to meet Dean’s and reached down to stroke Dean’s cock. His own was against Dean’s hip, getting plenty of friction. He wrapped his legs around Dean as he stroked him feverishly. He moved to lead him to his ass, but Dean stopped his hand. Cas let Dean take his hand and place it on his freckled chest. Then Dean asked for the lube.

“You won’t need it, I put plenty.” Dean looked unconvinced and before Cas knew it was going to happen, there was a finger probing at his entrance. He gasped when Dean’s finger slid into him. They were staring into each other’s eyes and he wondered how he could have thought he wasn’t ready for this level of intimacy. In this moment, it seemed like all he had ever wanted. Dean slid in a second finger, then both slid out and a third joined them. He moved them in and out a few times, eyes never leaving Cas’ face.

“I think we need some on me, too, Cas. I want this to be good for both of us. Don’t want to risk you getting hurt.” Cas, struck dumb by the depth of feeling in Dean’s eyes, didn’t argue.

He reached over to the bedside table without even breaking eye contact and silently placed the bottle on his chest. Dean picked it up and put some in the palm of his hand. He slid his hand once over his own cock and then, with a gleeful expression, over Cas’ cock.

“Oh, fuck, Dean!” Cas nearly came right then, but thankfully Dean stopped. Dean lubricated his own cock a little more and then leaned back down for a kiss that left them both panting.

“You ready, sweetheart?”

Cas nodded mutely, ignoring for the moment the nickname that Dean had previously reserved for his car. Then Dean slid inside him and brushed his prostate and he ignored everything else.

* * *

 

Dean couldn’t believe it when Cas said he had gotten himself ready. That meant, if Dean wanted - and oh, shit, did he ever want - he could have sex with Cas, right now. That was so fucking sexy and he bet Cas had no idea. They kissed and petted for a long time after that. Afterward, he made himself pull back, so he could make certain that Cas was truly ready. He almost sent Cas over with the lube and he wasn’t ready for that yet.

Now, here he was, poised above Cas’ slick opening, ready to move forward. He swept his gaze all over the gorgeous brunet in front of him and then locked eyes with Cas’ amazing blue ones. He hoped Cas could see through him right now. He hoped he could see straight into his mind and heart. Because the only thing there right now was Cas.

He pressed his hips forward and his head went inside Cas for the first time. He wanted to enjoy the sensation, to linger with every touch, but it was too much. It felt too good. He found himself pushing forward all the way and sinking down into Cas like he belonged there. Cas’ eyes widened and rolled back in his head.

“Dean, it feels...fuck...it feels so good…” Cas head was thrashing from side to side as Dean’s hips pumped up and down. He went as slowly as he could, but the pressure was too great. The moans and other sounds that Cas was making, the expressions on his face and the way his hands kept petting, they were all too much for Dean to handle. He started to rock his hips in earnest, thrusting in faster and harder. Cas let out a squeaking little groan as he started to come and then before he knew it was going to happen, Dean was coming, too, Cas’ name tumbling over his lips.

He collapsed on top of Cas, spent. His breath was coming in heaving shudders. Cas himself looked drugged out. As their post-orgasmic bliss slowly faded away, Dean rolled off Cas slightly, so he could look at him. Cas made eye contact again and said, “Happy birthday, Dean.”

Dean took a shaky breath and said, “Best present ever. I fucking love you, Castiel Angeles.”

* * *

 

Dean didn’t consider himself very romantic, but since Valentine’s Day was almost exactly a month and a half since they’d started living together, he figured he’d better do something special for Cas. He sent Sam to Ellen’s for the night - getting Cas to drive him because he “forgot” to ride the bus. Ellen was going to stall Cas there for at least 20 minutes. That gave Dean ample time to get dinner started, set up the candles, accept delivery of the flowers and get them arranged where he wanted them.

He had considered rose petals on the bed, but he wasn’t really gunning for Valentine’s sex. Not that he wouldn’t be thrilled if it happened, it just wasn’t the goal of the evening. The goal was to show Cas how special Dean thought he was and how much having him in his life meant to Dean. To that end, he’d written a speech. He had gotten Cas a small pre-made gift, too.

By the time he was done getting everything ready, his ability to not worry about how the night was going to go ran out. Within minutes of lighting the last candle, his hands started shaking. He was gonna give a speech? To Cas? About _feelings_? Dean Winchester didn’t do those things. He wasn’t capable of those things. He was, however, capable of hyperventilating.

And that’s why Cas found him breathing into a bag in the candlelit kitchen when he arrived home.

“Dean? What’s happening? Are you all right?”

“Cas!” Dean said, jumping to his feet. “I’m sorry, I - “

“Dean, calm down. You don’t need to apologize, just please tell me why you’re breathing into a paper sack in front of a bunch of candles.”

At the touch of Cas’ hand on his shoulder, all the nerves melted away. Dean reached up and put his hand over Cas’ hand for a moment. Then he stood up and hugged Cas. “I wanted to surprise you for Valentine’s Day, but then I got nervous. I’m better now.” He smiled and led Cas over to his seat by his hands.

“Dean, you didn’t have to do all this,” Cas said, but he was obviously touched.

Dean shrugged. “It’s not that much. I just made dinner and got you candles and flowers and a gift and kind of have a surprise and - ” He grinned sheepishly. “Ok, yeah I guess it’s a lot.”

“I have a surprise for you, too. And a present.”

Dean’s grin got wider. “Do you want to eat or open gifts first?”

“Gifts!” Cas said with a grin of his own.

“Ok, who goes first?”

“I want mine first,” Cas told him with an even bigger grin.

Dean rolled his eyes, but pulled the small box out of his pocket. “It’s not much,” he apologized.

“Dean!” His eyes were wide as he opened the jeweler’s store box and pulled out the ring. It was a simple silver band with a geometric design, but inside, Dean had engraved “ _D loves C_ ” and a heart. Cas looked up, eyes shining. “I love it.”

He wasn’t sure which finger to put it on, but Dean explained, “I measured your right ring finger to get the size. Hope that’s ok?”

“It’s perfect.” He reached into his coat pocket. “Now, here is yours. It’s not nearly as romantic, I’m afraid, but…”

Dean opened the envelope Cas handed him. It was a receipt for an online series of cooking classes, teaching gourmet techniques. “Cas, this is too much, these are expensive.” Dean knew because he’d looked at these very classes before.

“Actually, they aren’t too much and that’s as good a way as any to bring up my surprise.” Dean didn’t say anything. He was still too amazed by Cas’ present. “You knew, I think, that I was getting my trust fund when I turned 18?”

Dean looked at him in confusion. “Uh…” Then his face cleared. “Oh, you mentioned something about it, like that was why Michael raised you guys, so he could keep his or whatever?”

“Yes. Well, there were forms and legal things that had to be taken care of, but my trust fund officially became available to me yesterday. It’s...well, it’s quite a lot of money, actually. Much more than I expected.” He seemed to hesitate, maybe, Dean thought, not wanting to sound like he was gloating. He actually kind of looked like he was still in shock. “I’m not a millionaire, but...well, I’m nearly halfway there.”

Dean grinned, eyes wide. He clapped Cas on the shoulder. “That’s great, Cas! You can do whatever you want now. You don’t even have to get a job, if you don’t want to, once you get out of school. You can go to college and study bees and literature...and help people like you want and... _everything_.” Dean was smiling at Cas, truly thrilled for him. He deserved to have good things, after all he had been through.

“Well, yes, I can do all those things and I probably will, but there is something else I’d like to do first.”

“Oh, yeah? You wanna take a trip or something?”

“I want to buy a house for us, Dean. Or I want _us_ to buy a house. For the three of us.”

Dean found there was not enough oxygen in the kitchen for him to actually draw a breath. He just stared at Cas, dumbfounded. His mouth might have been open slightly, but he honestly wasn’t sure. He couldn’t move. A _house?_ Cas wanted to buya _house?_

“What I mean is, I can buy the whole thing if you want, but if you want it to be equal between us, then I can do the down payment and you can make the monthly payments or...Dean, are you upset? Do you not want this to be permanent?” Cas looked like he might cry and that got through the short-circuit in Dean’s brain.

“No - yes, I want this to be...shit. Cas, let me read you my - no, you know what, I’ll just let you read it, I don’t think I can say it out loud.”

He handed Cas the piece of paper in his scrawling handwriting. He’d written down all the good things Cas had brought into his life. It was a long, long list. He said he wanted Cas around for as long as Cas was willing to be there, that he was family and he loved him more than almost anything.

As he watched him read it, Dean could see that Cas really _was_ crying now, but it was the good kind. The kind that meant Dean had made him happy.

“Dean,” he said at last, “I love you and I want the three of us to be a family. You’re going to be Sam’s guardian soon and I want to help you with that. I want us to have a house we picked out together, with a yard and...but I know Sam doesn’t like moving, so if he says no…”

Dean shook his head. “No, Cas. He’s gonna be happy.  This will be good for him, too, not just us. This is...man, this is amazing, Cas. You’re sure this is what you want?”

“Dean, nothing in my life has ever been as good as you and Sam being a part of it. You’ve given me so much. Both of you. None of the three of us is close to perfect, we’re all a little broken, but somehow, together, we work. I almost screwed it up and then my brothers did…” Cas looked out the window for a moment.

“What I learned from that short amount of time apart is that that is the longest I want us to be apart again.” He turned the full force of that blue gaze onto Dean and Dean could see the sincerity and love in his face.

“Let’s buy a house, Cas,” Dean said with a soft smile.

* * *

 

It was their third weekend of house hunting. Sam, Dean, and Cas were all exhausted, and slightly disillusioned about finding their dream home. The realtor had shown them several totally unsuitable houses, and some that were close in some ways, but not even close in others. With every showing, things just seemed to get worse. Cas and Dean were both seriously debating hiring a new realtor if today didn’t turn up anything interesting.

They pulled up into the driveway of the third house of the day, not getting their hopes up. It looked okay from the outside, but they had learned to be cautious. It was set back from the road, with no neighbors for half a mile in either direction and that was a plus. It was two stories with four bedrooms and they liked that, too.

Once they got inside, they saw it had a huge kitchen with an island and a breakfast nook. In addition to all the bedrooms upstairs, it had 3 full bathrooms, a downstairs den, a large open living room and a yard big enough for as many barbecues as Dean could ever want to throw. Or for them to put in a pool, which Sam suggested. There was also a two car garage, so Baby would be safe.

By the time they had seen the large gardening shed out back, they were ready to tell the realtor they would take the house - though in truth they’d made their decision the instant they saw the kitchen. It was in Sam’s school district and everything. This was their house.

For the next couple of months, the three of them went shopping. Now that they weren’t house hunting on weekends, they were furniture hunting. Sam and Dean each had a few pieces they wanted to bring with them to the new house, but Cas had nothing in the way of furniture to bring. It bonded them and also made the dream more real.

Dean didn’t really care about their furniture, except for the myriad items they were buying for the kitchen. All the shopping was a welcome activity for Dean mostly because it finally brought Sam out of his post-Gabe depression and Dean was grateful for it. He knew Cas was taking special measures to get Sam engaged and sometimes he could hardly breathe for loving them both so much.

Finally, just before Dean graduated and shortly after Sam’s 13th birthday, the Winchesters and the youngest Angeles brother moved into their new home. They managed to do it quickly, mainly due to the help of Bobby, Ellen and Jo, but also because 90% of the furniture was delivered and installed by professionals. The 6 of them celebrated with a backyard barbecue, where Bobby snuck each of the 3 boys a cup of beer when Ellen wasn’t looking.

Dean stood on their back patio, holding hands with Cas and feeling like the luckiest guy in the world. They had a lot to celebrate. Dean and Cas had each other, for one thing. Dean would soon have custody of Sam - as well as Cas to help him with parental duties. Besides that, on the day they moved in, the house belonged to them and not the bank. An embarrassment of riches in Dean’s eyes, if ever there was one.

In the end, they had decided Cas would just buy it outright - though they put it in both their names - so that it could be fully theirs right away. Dean, to even things out, would pay all the bills. Some of the money he would have used for rent now went into Sam’s savings account every month instead. That kid was going to Stanford, after all.

 

* * *

  **EPILOGUE**

It was 2 years of cuddling and cozy dinners, family game nights and silly squabbles later that Dean made another romantic meal, much more elaborate than that first Valentine’s Day. He’d cooked Cas’ favorite foods and then led him to their couch to sit down and open the gift Dean had bought for him.

Cas looked a little confused as he unwrapped the book. It was an unassuming nonfiction title, about people who had been in - or remained in - extended comas. It was nothing like Cas normally read and it definitely wasn’t Dean’s taste in reading. It would seem to be a reference to the accident.

“Just open it,” Dean said, with a soft, nervous smile.

Cas flipped open the cover, to reveal a cut-out compartment. In it was a pair of velvet covered rolls, like one would find inside a ring box from a jewelry store. Nestled between them was another simple geometrically etched band, this one white gold, the inside etched with “ _Dean loves Cas forever_.”

As Cas looked up at him, Dean got down on one knee in the middle of the candlelit living room and asked Cas to be his husband forever. “Cas, I love you. I chose that book because I wanted to remind you we can get through anything. Will you please marry me? Be my husband and make me the happiest Winchester who ever lived and stay with me till the end?”

Cas looked at the ring in his hand, appearing to consider the question. "Hm...only if you promise not to hit me with your car again."

Dean rolled his eyes, but then Cas face broke into the brightest smile Dean had yet seen. “Yes, of course, Dean. Yours forever. I love you.”

A little while later, after much kissing and post-orgasmic cuddling, Dean fished his phone out of his jeans, where he’d left them on the floor. He punched the number and waited.

“He said yes, Sammy,” he said into the phone in an awed whisper.

Cas could hear Sam’s excited “Woo-hoo!” from 3 feet away.

 

* * *

 

**Preview of Angeles Part 2: Don't Start Me Trying Now**  

 

_Sam took another step as the man’s face came into view and then Sam froze in place._

_“Gabe?” Sam’s voice was disbelieving, but he was almost positive who he was looking at. He felt strange, seeing him again after so much time. He still looked the same, just a little older. He had aged, of course, but the full 9 years could not be seen on his face. He still looked closer to 12 than to the 21 Sam knew him to be._

_“Sorry, do we…” The shorter man cocked his head and squinted his whiskey eyes. “Wait...Sam? Sam Winchester? Is that you?” The sandy haired man’s face broke into a huge grin. “I’ll be damned. Look at you! I can’t believe little Sammy is now the size of the Chrysler building,” he said with a smirk and Sam felt his grin crank up a notch at the sight of it, still so familiar after all these years._

_“Ha, can’t say the same for you. Have you grown a single inch since the last time I saw you?”_

_“That hurts me, Sam-O. Truly, you have wounded me.” His grin sort of decreased the effectiveness of his words._

_“Gosh, Gabe...It’s really good to see you.”_

_“You, too, Sam. Even if I am kinda pissed at you.”_

_“Huh? What for?” Sam was genuinely upset by the thought Gabe might be upset with him._

_“Well, I mean, come on! You’re taller than me, for one. You’re even better looking than you were back then, for another. And your hair? That’s just the last straw, man.” His smirk was back and Sam ate it up like comfort food he hadn’t known he’d missed._

_Sam laughed at his old friend’s words. “You’re still a jackass,” he said affectionately._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♥♥♥And now, a thank you to everyone who has come along with me on this amazing journey. Your comments have just been so insightful and sweet and funny and amazing and I love each and every single one of you. It seems like you've enjoyed this world as much as I have and I could not be happier about that. ♥♥♥
> 
> Now, just because Sam and Gabe are the only ones in the preview, don't think they are the only ones in the sequel. Dean and Cas are a big part of the second story, too, as are a couple of other friends both old and new to this verse. Also, in addition to the sequel (which is not quite as long), there will be at least half a dozen mostly-Destiel time stamps that I will post periodically, some concurrent with the sequel and some after. Your best bet is to subscribe to the verse, if you are interested.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think, beautiful readers! ♥  
> Follow my [author Tumblr](http://jamiedeanwrites.tumblr.com//post/118453611081/the-story-of-jax-and-dylan) for boys kissing, pansexual facts, book news and general shenanigans.  
> ♥


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